Sweet Fang

Sweetie Bell has been bitten. By a vampire. But it was the Chimeras fault. She now has to live with these new abilities and drawbacks.

Cover Art- http://bakuel.deviantart.com/art/The-Melancholy-of-Vampire-Sweetie-Belle-323545770
By Bakuel

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

totallynotabrony

totallynotabrony #1 · Oct 8th, 2015 · 2 · · Problems ·

Try to show more and tell less. Describe things instead of just saying they happened. Sweetie Belle is walking in the woods, gets attacked, gets saved, presumeably gets vampire'd, goes to bed, gets up, spots Rarity and Derpy talking, goes to school, and goes to Fluttershy's house. That's at least four scenes involving seven named characters and you go through them in 1300 words.

Also, the swearing. Definitely out of character for Sweetie.

OnyxFang

OnyxFang #2 · Oct 8th, 2015 · · · Problems ·

6504115 I will try to do that in the future for this story. If you look at my newest story I have myself included more description. Also about the swearing thing, when I create stories I do tend to use coarse language as I myself have come accustomed to swearing on a daily basis so that do tend to use that language in my stories, this story was rejected at first because I had to change it to a teen rating. So if you don't like coarse language, remember this was rated teen.