Four Ponies & A Time Machine

by SkelePone

Chapter II: Time Is Bits

“It's against reason," said Filby.
"What reason?" said the Time Traveller.”
― H.G. Wells, The Time Machine

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Time Turner groaned in equal parts pain and exhaustion.

His head was pounding. He tried opening his eyes, but the dim lights of the small chamber seared across his retinas, almost blinding him due to his photo-sensitivity. He squinted, barely making out the three sleeping ponies beside him. Behind them, a large pile of various bottles, flasks, and more. There was food, too. Mostly cakes and crackers, snack foods. Party foods.

Time Turner rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

Then he let out a gasp as he realized where they were.

"Great Scott! I must've been drunk last night! What happened...? All I remember is Porter saying..." The puzzled look of worry on his face was replaced by one of rage.

"PORTER!" Time Turner shouted at the sleeping tan-colored stallion. Porter twitched and slowly opened a bloodshot eye, looking up at the infuriated Time Turner, The lighter-colored stallion grumbled and then sat up. The drunkard's eyes weren't even fully open before he took a swig from a flask labelled 'Malt Whiskey - Casked 15 yrs.' Time Turner was washed over by the stench of alcohol.

"Mornin' sunshine. Great night, huh? So when's breakfast?" Carnegie Porter yawned with a grin, sending another wave of the reeking whiskey in the Doctor's direction.

"Do you see where we are?" Time Turner demanded.
Porter looked about the roomy chamber, then at the two sleeping mares. His eyes widened in shock as he saw them.
"Did we... did we get LAID?" He looked to Time Turner with a face full of glee.
Time Turner facehoofed.

"No! We're in my TIME MACHINE!"
"Oh blimey, yer righ'... the TWATIS or whatever you called it."
"It's TROTIS! And do you know what that MEANS?"
"Ummm..." Carnegie Porter looked down at his now empty flask, then looked up sheepishly, shaking it slightly in his hoof, "that I should get another drink?"
Time Turner snarled, and smacked the steel flask from Porter's hoof. Porter gasped in shock and scrambled over to retrieve it..
"Tha' was a perfectly good flask, Doc! Look, ya put a dent in it."
"That doesn't matter. Because now we're somewhere else... sometime else, I should say. All because of your damn mead."

Carnegie Porter stopped whining about his dented flask and looked to the Doctor with wide eyes.

"Wai-wai-waitaminute. What does that mean?"
"Based on what the readings on the dash say, we've been travelling. In time."
Carnegie looked from the angry Time Turner to the dashboard whirring away, to his empty dented flask. He shook his head, his scruffy mane wobbling.

"I'm not anywhere near drunk 'nough for this."

---

Roseluck and Derpy Hooves had woken soon after.
And following a similar treatment from Time Turner, they sat by Carnegie Porter, moping. Carnegie was downing his third shot of vodka, and was now taking the sudden plunge into the unknown unsurprisingly well.

"I say," Porter shouted at the very hungover Doctor, who still had a migraine, "that we all jus' go outside and fight somefin'. But that's jus' me."
"If you want to leave the door and potentially die in an exotic and unfit environment, be my guest, Porter. Meanwhile I will be wondering how to get us back to the present. No thanks to you."
"Hey, it wasn' MY fault. I just provided the alcohol."
"Your point?"
"Well, Applejack and that Shudderbones fella provided the grain for the alcohol. So blame them."
"Just go outside already. I'm tired of hearing your nonsense."

Porter looked at his companions, Derpy and Roseluck were curling back asleep and the Doc was busy making adjustments to the controls dashboard.

Nopony wanted to join him in some most likely awesome adventures? Fine. Carnegie Porter grabbed a bottle of rum, chugging it while he shoved oven the door and stepped outside.
And immediately fell flat on his face, shattering his bottle on the rocky ground. He muttered a string of profanities, rubbing his already tender nose.

"Aw bollocks, dropped me drink. Oye, Turner! Toss me a new bottle o' rum!"
Time Turner did not reply.
Carnegie Porter cursed the grouchy stallion under his breath.

Carnegie grunted to himself as he dragged back up onto his hooves, and stood unsteadily for a moment or two. Then he looked around. They were underground, in a cave, the mouth leading to a bright outside only meters away. Without any worry whatsoever, Porter trotted out the cave, wishing he still had his bottle of rum.

---

The screams were what jolted the mares back awake and brought Time Turner's attention to the missing stallion.

"Celestia damn that insubordinate fool!" Time Turner shouted. He galloped full speed out the door, leaping smoothly onto the ground, following Porter's screams. Derpy flapped after him. Roseluck sniffed in disdain, but trotted off the platform and onto the cave floor anyways.

Together, the three burst from the cave, into a bright sunny meadow. And there, on the other side of the meadow, was Carnegie Porter. Being chased by some angry farmer Earth ponies, wielding hoes and pitchforks.

"Oye! Chill out, ya testy bastards! I was just borrowin' some o' that buckwheat!"
"PORTER! WHAT DID YOU DO NOW!?"
"I was jus' borrowin' some buckwheat," Carnegie wheezed as he came to a stop, hiding behind the Doctor, "tha' was the perfect seed for brewing! Never seen anything like it before!"
"But did you have to STEAL it?"
"No, bu' the farmers are scary an' mean so HELP ME!"

Doctor Time Turner shook his head in frustration, then turned and smiled meekly at the approaching farmers. The first thing to meet Time Turner, however, was the smell. Dirt, sweat, and piss. Trying not to gag, he greeted them.

"Hello! I am Time Turner, and I apologize for the rude actions of my... associate, Carnegie Porter."
"Oh ye? Well why dontcha make 'im pay fer that there buckwheat 'e stole?"
"Fine," Time Turner sighed, shooting a look at the cowering Carnegie, "what do I owe you?"
"I'd say t'ree 'undred gol' bits."
"THREE HUNDRED?! Porter, how much did you steal?!"
"Only a hoofful of grains! I only wanted to make a few drops to test!"

Time Turner rounded on the smirking Earth ponies. Two large stallions and a rather buff mare. The three could easily beat the four of them without breaking a sweat. Even though they were already sweaty. For a moment his mind wandered, wondering if they knew what a bath was.

"Why in Tartarus are you charging me that much for a hoofful of grain that's worth not even a single bit."

"Times are 'ard." The biggest stallion said with a shrug.

Time Turner gave a reluctant sigh as he waved over Derpy.
"Go back to the machine. Grab the blue trunk in the back. Bring it here." She nodded eagerly and flew off into the cave.

They sat in hushed silence, glaring at each other as they waited for the ditzy pegasus.

"I like your overalls," Roseluck said sweetly to the Earth pony mare, "very rustic."
"Mah overalls aren't rusty. They're made outta cloth."
"That's not what I - forget it. I said nothing."

Derpy eventually returned, struggling to carry a large blue chest. She plopped it before the Doctor, panting heavily. He smiled in thanks and popped it open. Time Turner grabbed a sack with his teeth. He tossed it to the farmers' hooves. Then he tossed another. Then a third.

"There. Three hundred."

The farmers nodded in approval at the jingling bags. They quickly left, carrying off Time Turner's hard-earned bits.

"You owe me big-time." He hissed to Carnegie Porter as they returned to the cave. Porter smiled sheepishly.

Comments

[ItsAPony]

I really enjoy this story and look forward to seeing more.

[soapcookies]

Oh my God. This is amazing. I almost wanna kiss whoever wrote this.... even if they're a girl.

[Marisher]

In the words of Carnegie Porter, whose name makes me of the Steel Emperor Andrew Carnegie out at sea drinking it up on a ship somewhere:

"I'm not anywhere near drunk 'nough for this."