Four Ponies & A Time Machine

by SkelePone

Chapter XXIII: Vivat Magnos

“Study the past if you would define the future.”
― Confucius

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"So why tha bloody 'ell so ya want tha time machine fer? No way ya could learn ta drive it. Only the Doc can do tha'."

"No fear, Bridlish one. We have our ways."

"Yeah but what couldja want with a blue carriage? Cause that's 'bout all it is to ya."

"Traveler, think. If we control time itself, we control everything. EVERYTHING."

The hungry way that the red hooded mare had said that set off alarms all over Carnegie's tiny brain. The little secret society he had stumbled upon suddenly seemed a lot less harmless. This was a collection of the greediest, most power-hungry ponies in all of Equestria. Or in all of the world. Carnegie was about to draw up a brilliant plan of escape, which involved a bottle of gin and a really big moshpit, when he heard commotion coming from the door behind him. He turned just in time to see Time Turner, Roseluck, and the TROTIS come into view.

"CARNS!"
"ROSE!"

The couple reunited in a powerful embrace, and after a long kiss, Carnegie looked back and counted. One time machine. One pony. Two ponies. There was Time Turner and then there was Roseluck. The gears in his head whirred away as he realized that Derpy was missing. He looked to Time Turner quizzically, cocking his head. The Doctor met his gaze, and looked back in confusion. Carnegie gestured towards the TROTIS. Time Turner's face morphed into one of shock. He looked straight at Carnegie and Carnegie mouthed, where's Derpy?

Time Turner gazed about in alarm, looking for the missing pegasus. She was nowhere to be found. The red robed mare addressed Time Turner directly.

"Welcome. We are the Order of Illumarenati. You are now our prisoner, Time Travelers."
"Aw Celestia, Porter, what did you tell them?"
"Nothin'! I swear! They already know abou-"
"Silence!" The leader hissed before turning towards the Doctor. "You. You are the pilot of the blue machine, correct?"
"Umm... maybe?" He answered warily.
"Whatsittoya!" Carnegie spat, immediately a guard came along and clobbered Carnegie over the head with a club. The tan stallion hit the ground hard. Roseluck let out a shriek of rage and launched herself at the heavy-set unicorn guard. Second later, she too fell to the dirt, unconscious.

"Let's try that again. You are the pilot, am I or am I not correct."
"You are... incorrect."
"What."
"You heard me, I'm not the pilot."
"The drunk one says you are."
"Yeah, well, he's drunk, isn't he."

The red robed mare seemed to fight with herself for a moment. She turned her covered face, looking to every member of the vast congregation. Time Turner didn't have to be a genius to see she was making a fool of herself.

"Well, then. If you aren't the pilot, then it is also probable that the drunk is not the pilot. Could it be the red-maned mare?"
"Nnnope!"
"Then it must be the pegasus!"

The leader looked about excitedly. Then she realized something horrible.

"WHERE IS THE PEGASUS?!"

---

Derpy hovered before the Fillydelphia sign. She was intently studying the symbol on it. She had seen that symbol before, not only on the hooded ponies' robes, but in the future. Her raving uncle, Crazy Hooves, was obsessed with the symbol.

"Derpy, do you know what this here symbol means?"
"No, Unky Cwazy."
"Then, listen, my child. Your life may depend on it."
"Otay."
"This is the symbol of the Illumarenati. They are the most evil, most vile, most fearsome secret society to ever plague Equestria."
"What's a secwet society, Unky?"
"A secret society is a group of very bad ponies, who try their best to completely control the world. They are not to be trusted, and since you never know who is in a secret society, you never know who you can really trust. YOU could be in the Illumarenati, for all I know."
"Unky that's silly!"

Derpy had never guessed that her uncle the loopy conspiracy theorist could have been right all along. There was an evil secret society called the Illumarenati. And they had just kidnapped the TROTIS and the Doctor. She had to find a way into the Illumarenati base. Derpy scruncher her face in concentration as she recalled everything Uncle Crazy Hooves had told her about the Illumarenati.

"Now they are said to have started in Fillydelphia, keeping a giant underground cavern to use as their headquarters."

Well, she knew they were in Fillydelphia. And she had just seen them shove her friends into a magic hole leading underground. So she would very likely have to find a way to get there.

"Every FIllydelphian member of the Illumarenati had a secret tunnel to the caverns, where they would go to discuss future plots and evil schemes of world domination. Now, nopony alive knows who was in the Fillydelphian Illumarenati. But we do know that the occasional member would usually let slip of his secret activities in the many bars of the town."

She could go to a bar and wait for an Illumarenati member to get drunk! Then she would be able to sneak into the member's house and shimmy down the tunnel to save her friends and get to the TROTIS!

In an excited rush, she flew into the nearest bar, blasting through the door. Few ponies inside the musky shack took notice of her. She calmly slunk over to a corner, sitting herself in a small booth. A unicorn mare immediately trotted over, checking out the wall-eyed pegasus.

"What can I getcha, hon?"
"Oh um... a water will do fine for now. I'm just waiting for somepony."

The waitress stalked away, grumbling about cheapskates and not needing bits. Derpy ignored her and returned to scanning the bar's various patrons.
"You never know who you can really trust..."
Derpy started to get angsty. There were so many ponies! Any of them could be in the Illumarenati! The rickety old mare sitting at the bar. The group of thickset Earth pony goons whispering in the corner. The grouchy waitress, who returned with a sloshing glass of water. Derpy was just about to feel herself losing hope when luck struck.

"No lemme tell you sommin about meself," a drunk stallion slurred, "I am one of the members *burp* of the Illumarenati!"
"Oh shuddup, Sand Castle. Drink your mead."
"No no no no no! I'm serious! I ain't lyin'! I am a member of the Illumarenati."
"Sandy, the Illumarenati is just an old mare's tale. No offense, Ol' Betty."
The elderly mare at the bar saluted.
"Bu-bu-but..."
"Okay, Sandy. Maybe you've had enough to drink. Let's get you home."
A blue pegasus got up to help the wasted yellow unicorn out of his seat. Together, they stumbled out the bar door and out into the street. Derpy followed casually, pretending to be off to her own home. She took to the skies, and entered the clouds to watch the stallions stumbke down the street towards the shoddily built houses not too far from the town square.

They walked up into a small brown house, one that looked bland. Derpy swooped down from the sky and carefully landed on the roof. The roof and walls were so thin she could hear every word the stallions said.

"Thanks, Stormy. *hic* Means a lot."
"No problem, Sandy, that's what friends are for. And also, you might want to hush up on the Illumarenati nonsense. Some crackpot might actually take you seriously."
"Oh crap, I'm so sorry, Stormchaser! Please don't tell High Priestess what I said!"
"Don't worry," the sober stallion said, comforting the drunk, "I promise I won't."
Suddenly they went quiet. Derpy's heart stopped. Had they heard her? She heard a smacking sound. Lips. She dared to stick her head down, peering over the edge of the roof and into the window.

THE STALLIONS WERE KISSING.

She bolted back upright, blushing furiously. Out of all of the Illumarenati houses she could have found, she found the one with the gay couple in it. The next few words made Derpy's blood run cold.

"How about we take this to the bedroom, Stormsy?"
"Sure thing, babe."

She swooped down through the open window as they trotted into a separate room. The door closed and Derpy immediately heard slapping sounds and moans. She blushed furiously. Her mind was saying no, but her body was saying YES. At the fireplace, she noticed a lever. After pulling it, a hole silently opened up in the floor. The gay lovers in the next room started to howl in pleasure.

Before her cheeks started to spontaneously combust, Derpy leapt down the hole. It sealed behind her, leaving her in pitch-black darkness and blessed silence.