He is a lonely man, always walking, running, or fighting. He was taught how to fight by his father who was once one of the greatest boxers to date. He is homeless, on the road, and always looking for something to eat. But that will all change in a matter of minutes as he is brought into a world where food is plentiful and pain, even more so...
Note: I will be going through these chapters and editing them heavily. I apologize for this story making it to the feature bar for I know it is not good enough to reach such a place. However, my full intentions are that one day, it may be able to do so, justified.
Chapters (4)
CONGRATULATIONS!
Your story has a theme song!
(Courtesy of Columbia Records, by arrangement with Sony Music Licensing)
6482594 Wow... wow... you know, that is the very song that inspired this story!
I love 1 v equestria stories. Keep going pls. Also you going to keep it in 3rd person omniscient?
I eagerly await the next chapter
I think I'll follow this story, see where it goes.
6483146 I am going to switch between 1st and 3rd person perspectives.
And thank you! I also like 1 v Equestria stories, that is why I write them!
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6483388
Thank you both!
I was interested in this at first. And honestly, it began well enough. But then the grammar and spelling began to degrade, the writing began to get stranger and stranger, and it became painfully obvious that the author was attempting to write in a more eloquent format, but was trying much too hard at points, which in combination with the other two faults led to quite cringe-worthy moments.
The main character himself goes with the cliche, "Oh woe is me, I'm so sad and alone, but I'm so dead within/hardened by the real world that I don't care anymore." Which could work, if more effort was put into the story. The ponies too, were annoying, especially with the whole, "we should get the guard! But where are they?!" [immediately insert guard squadron (insert corny thing about fate here)] "Oh! there they are!" [run over]. Well, that was boring, and practically bordering deus ex machina.
......... I'm being hard on this story(not as hard as I can be). And I'm sorry for that. But this caught my eye, was something I would have liked to have kept reading, and then I was let-down. Which upsets me, because I can see potential, and then I have to see it get mired down by all of these other problems. My advice is to read over and edit your work, get an editor to do so as well, and get a co-writer and/or some damn good pre-readers. You've got a general outline, now you need to work on the details or find someone else to do that for you.
Good luck, and hopefully you'll improve.
6485058 I know my grammar isn't the best, far from it. But I am improving (however slowly it may be.) and when I started to finish the chapter I knew it wasn't going to be the best. I knew it was going down but I kept it, why? because I like it and enjoyed writing this story. I am sorry I disappointed you but that's the way it goes and this is the way I want my story, just like this isn't the way you want my story to go. But we all have our own opinions and we all make mistakes, for we are all Human.
But do tell me, for I am just curious, what would you have wanted out of my story?
6485202
You're misunderstanding. It's not that you did something story-wise that I didn't approve of, there was just a lot of bad writing.
You're very quick on dialogue, the ponies immediately found the guards (that whole scene did not have a lot of breadth to it), you try to use more sophisticated words alongside more common ones and combined with the bad spelling and grammar makes the story quite jarring and hard to read, breaking whatever immersion there might have been. I literally cannot become engrossed in the story.
Along with the main character being some 2edgy4u emo type, I just could not care for him. These are glaring faults in my eyes, so that is why I will not continue reading. What you had right was an interesting theme/setting, the general story of some guy having to deal with prejudice and violence to survive was what drew me. As I said before, you have an outline, but you don't have the details, and the ones you do have are too cliched, corny, or nonsensical.
In the end though, my say doesn't matter. People will still read your story so don't get so broken up over one person stating his opinion. Just keep in mind this isn't anything to write home about, you need improvement, and hopefully this story will let you do so. Hopefully one day you'll look back at this, blush and try to wonder as to what you were thinking. And I feel the best way to do that is to point out the flaws of the story. It might be dickish of me, but if you just have people complementing you, you will never try to work harder and hone your skills. Although, if this all for fun, it doesn't really matter, does it?
6485298 Lol. my friend, you can be a dick all you want, in my opinion you aren't being one, your just saying what you see. I thank you for this, it is hard to find people who will be straight forward with you anymore and it looks like I just found one. And if your worried about me getting hurt over your comment, just shove that worry away, it is very hard to offend me and I am very proud of myself for that.
But as for my story, I know it needs some work, and that is why I write, to improve myself and to Hopefully bring some Joy to people. And again, I thank you.
Cheers!
Those two ponies are the biggest dicks you can find in Equestria. (With the exception of Gilda of course.) They are like "UMG ITS A MUNSTER BECAUSE IT IS NOT A PONY LETTS JUST BURN HIM AND CALL THE GUARDS BECAUSE WE ARE SPECIESIST LEL" I hope they get imprisoned for that.
Wait, is this anthro? I didn't think it was. The 'boxer'
. Is this just a mistake, or am I reading too much into this? It does say ponies later on though...
Good story by the way! Can't wait for more!
6498758 opps, I'm sorry, that is an error. I shall correct that immediately! Thanks bud!
"where they would then lock it up until a higher authority comes along"
For what crime?
I am finding this story interesting. There typos I noticed, but the premise is interesting. I am looking forward to more.
They way you tell the story is weird. It's like an omniscient narrative with first person weaved in. It kinda reminds me of an old story that gets passed down from generation to generation. It is kinda jarring to going from perspectives like that though. So I would suggest keeping omniscient.
Side note: I would suggest keeping dialogue to a minimum, and only have talking during crucial parts or if he encounters someone whose not hostile. It increases the effect of the theme that is the belligerence of people/ponies.
yay!
YES!
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I'm glad you folks dig it.
Mighty kind of you to inform us.
oof
9397682 That's an intimidating three letter word mate, what does it mean?
9400120
O just that this was last updated in 2017 and its 2019 now and that the update was to let us know you were updating it and were going to post it on Friday
9400266
so big oof
9400266 Fair enough mate. I always have planned to continue my stories, but I never do. I'm not sure what will become of this.
Thanks for giving it a shot anyway, I really appreciate it.
9400304
Np, good luck trying to complete it tho i do hope to see and up date.
I know this story is in pure limbo maybe forever but could you give us an idea what you were planning with the rest of the story