(As of 4/3/2016, this story has been Good HiE List Approved!)
A garage sale mirror was purchased, cleaned and polished, yet some dark shape seemed to block the light. Jess tried to clean it off, only to find her hand going through the mirror itself! This dark form became more solid on the other side, and actively blocked her path home. Now she'll need to figure out more than just how to walk on four legs as a pony, she'll need to learn how to use magic and find out what is preventing her from leaving. What will she do once she finds out why the 'shadow' blocks her path, and what can she do to return home?
(This story takes place in tandem with "Trapped in the Mirror of Worlds" by my good friend, Silver_Wing. Our characters intersect at many points, and you will enjoy the nuances of each character's perspective of events).
Note1: This story has divergence from the partnered story due to differences with the other side, including on direction of certain events. It may have similarities if continued, but is no longer collaborated.
Note2: this story has a sequel the author has moved forward to Soldier and Hope for the forseeable future. Bear in mind this will contain spoilers for this story and potentially for Trapped in MoW if the commonalities remain.
Bravo!
.
While the long description was a little longer than standard, the story was pretty good.
One up from me
This is interesting. Next chapter, then.
Oh, and btw: FIRST!
6304080 6304022 I assure you both, this is only the beginning. Just waiting to coordinate with Silver Wing to see what our mutual reactions would be for later that first full day.
6304080
Nope, I was the first to comment, you can never beat someone like me who promises a friend to be one of the firsts to read.
But you can be the first to comment on second chapter comments part.
AND WHY THAT LIKE BUTTON ISN'T WORKING?!
I think it's because you at least need two votes.
watching this going to wait till you have more chapter to read but excited to do so
Wonder why Twilight was scarred by magic kindergarten now
A new chapter! YAY
but I have a serious recommendation to you, double space the paragraphs like the other chapters, it makes the story look much better.
and also: never stop a quote with a said, answered, asked, whispered, shouted or anything like these with a full stop, use comma instead
or use a action tag, like this:
6315698 Formatting corrected. I'd also appreciate knowing if there was anything you enjoyed about this chapter, I felt the most energized writing much of this, for reasons I'll not get into yet (potential spoiler territory)
I've been enjoying this story, and watching Dawn with the kids is fun. Her interaction with Dusk is neat too. Luna yelling at them to rest and not study cracked me up.
But I think you're using filly wrong. Fillies are you female horses, not young horses as a sum. Foals would be better. Granted, horse terminology is a bit awkward to carry over into a society.
6321437 Corrected. Sadly some of those nuances escape me, but I, like dawn in the story, struggle with societal stuff until it's taught.
6321504 Nah, that's fine. It was a minor thing. Didn't really detract from the story. I did think it was an all girl's school up to this point though
6321509 Then you missed the little boy asking about the cutie mark near the beginning. maybe an exception or the like, but yeah, not intended to be any specific gender school.
So you want to know how you're doing? You have done most well and I only have finished reading the first chapter. Most wonderful execution of an OC character in my opinion. I loved reading through every moment of this chapter. I love when characters make me delve right in and watch it through like it was its own movie.
What I am surprised with however is the lack of rating this story is receiving for your good writing. This site sometimes disappoints me of what is held as great sometimes. But to not stray away from the point, wonderful chapter. I do believe you can become that novelist you hope to be.
6323636 Thank you very much for your comment. I realize you still have 3 more chapters to go, not counting the 5th one I'm already writing. I'm glad to hear you feel I'm doing well, even if it's 'mostly' well. (suddenly in a princess bride reference day... I've had two of them in ch5 and now I made another one with the 'mostly' dead similarity... anyway)
This style was chosen partly for that effect, as well as for writing practice. Admittedly I feel I'm better at the 3rd person limited perspective, but this is turning out nicely, and I've gotten extremely worked up over a few points and realizations of my character. It also doesn't help I pour plenty of myself into this character, but a lot of fledgling authors do.
The ratings don't worry me terribly. I figure as I go along and write more, it'll become more recognized and get the ratings it deserves. I have a few different possible endings figured out, and all of them have epic scenes in mind, including a few possible twists if I feel it gets too cliche'd. Naturally, stay tuned and keep reading to figure out what's going to happen to Meadow Dawn, and once my friend catches up, watch for Silver_Wing and his perspective. It's just as entertaining and will take some winding up, but will also have it's own momentum.
Send me a Pm reminding me to tell you what I thought
6334901 ok. So first chapter opinions...
I feel like the explanation of Dawn's arrival was badly structured. I mean it felt like it was written on the spot, and trying to explain it afterwards. Other than that, the writing perspective could use some work. It seems a bit off to me...
I think you should revise the start at least, in favour of something akin to a flashback as Dawn explains to Celestia.
6307646 Whelp, we're now up to chapter 6 now, and chapter 7 is where the adventure truly begins. Is 30k+ words enough for you to get reading, especially since I've been trying to update weekly?
Nice chapter. This chapter was written good with a few mistakes here and there. Sadly of wish at this point in time do not have time to fiddle out each one. The story again filling me with excitement for the reading of the next chapter as continue to which both Meadow Dawn and Silver Light develop.
6368735 thank you. I presume you've read up to chapter six and not chapter two like this post indicates. Im trying to post no less often than every Tuesday. Soon silver wing and dawn will go their separate ways, but while that will be explained, more questions will arise. I wonder who will see it coming...
amazing.
So much shipping potential in your stories...
Starlight's knowledge remains ever worrying.
It seem's Dawn's human name is Jess. Finally now to collect their last names.
6454212 Wait till you see the next part of chapter 7 that comes after. I just got a rough idea sorted out with Silver and we're sitting at 4k words, and I don't think I'm quite to the halfway point. Ch7 is going to have a lot of things going on, but bigger reveals are yet to come.
... Ok, I slightly lied, nothing's really larger than where Starlight is getting his knowledge, or how he has it in general, but that's still several chapters to go. Settle for the still reasonably big reveals coming up in chapter 7 once everything's solidified with Silver for now!
6321504 And here I thought, you used "fillies" as term to indicate a matriachialitisc society, like in the Xenoverse.
6457136 Well, I won't deny, I do wonder if that universe is matriarcal in general, but I try not to focus on that part of things.
6455906 Not necessarily... the reason I say that is in the updated ch7 (added about 4k words to it, and it's halfway done). Beyond slightly complicated/heavy things discussed in this chapter 7, why the interest in their human names? after all, you're going to need starlight's
6466565 0.0 oh, that's gonna be hard to get.
In the second half the writing uses first person and third person for both Dawn and Silver. This is quite confusing.
Whoa, calm down there James Bond.
I'm glad that I've finally found the time to read this. I've been meaning to do so for a while.
6563303 I'm glad you have as well. It wasn't meant to be a James Bond reference. The intent was Dawn was a more natural name from before, so she said what she remembered of her new name or nickname, then that helped her realize her full name, so she said it. This also doubles up as a way of setting up politely for others to understand how she'd like to be addressed.
You have a lot to look forward to, if that first chapter is the only one you've read. I put a link in the most recent blog regarding the progress of chapter 8, as it's been a month since I updated.
6563067 Interesting. I thought I had caught that, but It would appear I had not. Thank you for pointing this out to me and I will re-read and address as soon as my chapter 8 focus is done.
Admittedly when working with silver, what we've found works best is for us to write from the 3rd person and translate that into 1st in editing. Clearly, this chapter suffered the worst from that translation, and I will do my best to correct as time (and energy) allows.
Edit: I ran a search under Dawn and Silver, and only found 3 errors. I made the changes immediately and will still reread, but a quick skim seems to suggest that was an abnormality, not something consistent. Keep in mind Starlight is getting some more visibility now as well as Stalwart, so that could be part of the issue perhaps?
There's some third person here.
.....
6563067
6564137
Oh. You're already on that.
6564131
I understand entirely, it's just... That's iconic James Bond right there. Can't help it.
I have enjoyed this read, and I'm looking forward to more.
6564694 And talks have been more or less completed with one of the mods of the "Good HiE List" and what would be needed to have silver's and my stories in their good list, provided they pass inspection. It looks like we both may need to hit 100 votes each in order to qualify, as they will be viewing these two stories as one from two perspectives. On the plus side, that means better likelihood of approval because of our more unique 'in tandem' storytelling, as well as other aspects, but on the other hoof, means that if one of us fails, we both fail until things are fixed or are better. If I were totally honest, my side would likely be the weaker of the two. So, what you pointed out, along with 6563067 tells me I definitely need to revisit what I've done and ensure the consistency/quality that I like to get that colorful feather in our caps.
Also, progress report: We're both more than halfway done fixing our combined document into our mutual perspectives. My hope is that after we review each other's sides, that we'll post tonight. I make no definite promises, but it's my hope.
6569918
It would certainly be something great if you two were to get on that list, and I've got my fin-*looks at hooves* ...Well, you're certainly got my support on that one.
Any time a new chapter is up is a good time, really. One can always hope that things go according to schedule, but that's not always how things are gonna go.
Things are getting interesting
I for one approve of the slow burn in their relationship. But I still ship them. I ship them hard. Luxury shipping. They are just so adorable together. Even more than Silver and Sky. I'm looking forward to when she sings for him.
Huh... I just realized there are a lot of 'S' names in his story.
Anyway, I can understand both Boer's stance and Dawn's outsider view of what's what in Equestia. But that final note from the princesses on good and evil magic really has me wondering about Starlight's teacher...
In a way... Dawn's story is the less impressive of the two. No, not from the story writing point of view, I mean in-verse and in-setting. Sure, she's managed to repair and ancient artifact that enables earth ponies to use basic unicorn magic, but that's a largely academic achievement that only a few will truly appreciate, and even some of those who would directly benefit don't appreciate, such as Boers. Silver on the other hand has placed in a sizable race, beat an instructor and is getting popular for his fighting style, and now even has a princess eager for a public demonstration... perhaps an underlying reason for her snappiness?
Final note: I do so hope Starlight gets to be his own pony. We might not see a whole lot of the guy, but I like him.
6574827 You as a reader certainly have the right to ship whomever you wish in our story for your own headcannon. We certainly have our own plans in mind, but we enjoy hearing what our readers hope for or see and why. Not entirely sure why you call it Luxury shipping however.
Hm, S names... I didn't realize that. Either way, I'm sure it's coincidental, and most certainly has nothing to do with some sort of plan... just like how Dawn is coincidentally one of the few ponies in history that can repair a relic successfully! ... hm. I think I may not have thought that through.
Indeed. Starlight's teacher is an interesting individual. Shame his name never comes up.
At first I was worried when you said it was less impressive, then I realized you meant in recognition in that world we're writing. As far as an underlying reason for snappiness, let's just say I get really really touchy when called a liar, or doubted for what I say... It's a character flaw in both of us.
Hm... I'm afraid I can't comment on Starlight at this moment. After all, the fate of anypony should stay a finale topic.
6574934 Well, express shipping makes it sound like I'm rushing them
That's why I was quick to add a bit more clarity to the statement
I fully appreciate the awesomeness of being able to fix an ancient artifact. It's like finding an old school flip phone and repairing it just from some old text books. But still.
Nah, I'm fine without spoilers. I prefer to be surprised when my ideas are proven or disproven. It's why I decided against taking a peak at your doc with the ideas. I don't mind spoilers, per say, but I'd still rather not have them
I kept forgetting to comment in earlier chapters about how I thought that the pony helping Starlight is Starswirl, but... now I'm not entirely certain.
6575933 Yes, hm... shame about that name thing... not to mention that slight difference in the starswirl design. Makes one wonder.
6576668 In before plot twist that Starswirl used to be human and the same thing happened to him that did Dawn, but his alter ego was actually Discord.
6578278 Yeah, definitely not. If discord ever made an appearance in our story (no intent to, but he's discord so possiblue) I fully know my I and my character both would get an incredulous "Q!?" call out, he liked would reply with "Hm? Nopony here should know me by that name" reply, and my character would be constantly fearing for her state of existence....
6578340 XD, the Discord part was a joke, but it still seems plausable that SS could've been through the same experience as Meadow, it would explain the similar CM on the bracelet unless I read it wrong. And it was said that he travelled different worlds.
Fun Fact: "Lost in the Mirror World" is a reference (Accidental or no.) to the second Alice in Wonderland. "Alice in the Mirror World."
6600302 Unintentional, but beyond trying to fit correlation while ignoring the distinctive 'of' in the title, what did you think of the story?
After "The Shadow in the mirror"
Hand, truly? Well, character could've been mistaken, but still...
I guess it should be capitalized, her name at least.
Authoritative Luna is authoritative, I guess. It's not a mistake per se, but double authority per four paragraphs. Doesn't sound very good if you ask me.
Overall it seems a little bit bland, but ok to consume, even if the "other-self" of main heroine didn't get a bite to eat. Also, I hardly believe that you can go on only with a sandwich and an apple, but, hey, maybe it's super effective ot something.
After "The First Full Day in Equestria"
Okay...It seems tha pace is a little but faster here. Shy guard is an obvious romantic interest, albeit one-sided for nw. Good. A couple of typos. though not anything too bad. Overall, well... there is not-so-good pacing in both this and the fist chapter, but I guess it will change further in the text.
So Dawn's magic has yet to stabilize at it's proper levels, huh? That's pretty cool. I'm not sure if I should be worried about Dawn and Starlight bonding though. I'm still in the 'get him his own body' camp.
The down side of their education (all three of them) is that the author's of the books assume the readers already know the common knowledge facts. Magic can make you tired, pegasi control weather and such. Makes for interesting gaps in their understanding like the two we found in this chapter.