16 year old Aussie nerd. Fan of MLP, Pokemon, HTTYD and a heap of other things. Mainly write Trixie stories and Scootaloo stories, because those characters are adorable >w<
Scootaloo has had a nasty scooter crash, and has been taken to hospital – but that’s not the worst part. The doctors discovered that she has a disability, and will never be able to fly. Scoots is devastated by the news, but it just so happens she’s in the same room as Derpy, who tells Scootaloo her own story of dealing with being different to cheer her up.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A good first effort. The few minor punctuation errors here and there didn't really detract from the humor and feels in the story at all. My biggest complaint is that I wanted more of Scootaloo's emotions to play out. It seems a tad rushed. And I should know, pacing is probably my biggest problem as a writer as well.
Also, your avatar looks... childish. It could push some readers away. There are better pics of Quilava out there, I'm sure.
I agree with 6274342 , this is a good first effort, burdened primarily by unusual pacing. Frequent scene breaks can work for some stories, but I feel like they deprive this one of room to breathe. With that said, I liked the action near the beginning, as well as your characterization of Derpy.
I feel like you have potential as a writer. I hope you will keep writing more horsewords for our enjoyment. Therefore I will nit-pick a few things:
I feel it is good form to give the chapter a title, even if you just re-use your story title. There is also a group devoted to this practice.
Who's saying the "oh no"? (I get that this is probably for dramatic effect, but it's more effective to have someone actually go through the reaction you're giving us.)
Pleas do not tell me the room is boring; use an interesting description that leads me to draw my own conclusion about the room.
6274342 The avatar has been changed now :P Yeah I do see what you mean, I had this nagging feeling that something was missing from Derpy's recount but I just couldn't figure what it was, and it was giving Scootaloo a chance to react. Thanks for the feedback!
Also yay someone knows what Quilava is! :D
6274737 Thanks, I'll definitely write more because I did say I would if people wanted it. I'm not sure exactly when though because of school and such, but yeah there will be more coming eventually. My ideas tend to look better in my head than they turn out but I guess that will improve with practice?
6285515 Idea-wrangling is always one of the hardest things about writing.
This is... cute, but lacjs the substance of a really good story. You're skipping over the important scenes as if they should be obvious. I'll just go ahead and drop this little bomb on your tent, your readers WANT to read those obvious scenes, regardless is it's obvious or unoriginal. I was hoping for a cute, bonding fic... instead I get the teaser trailer to something that seems canceled half-way through production.
I say with all the disappointment and encouragement I can, so, Try Harder.