Hi, my name is John White, and I am stuck in Equestria, in the form your favorite princess, Luna.
Nothing special about me really, I'm pretty much just a regular guy who happens to be a brony. I got a few friends here and there, pretty good ones at that, satisfied lifestyle, and quite the creativity.
Apparently that didn't stop the universe from being a butthole and decide to throw me into another universe entirely, in the most subtle way possible (in my point of view). And it just had to be the world every brony fantasizes to be in, the world of My Little Pony.
Now when I said "subtle", I mean that I was just sleeping peacefully in my bed one night, drifting in my own thoughts, and when I woke up, BOOM I'm everybody's favorite alicorn, Luna.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my messed up story.
Author's Note:
This story is pretty much something I'm doing for my own pleasure. Don't like it? Fine. I'll stop if you want. I just don't want the comments to get too salty so to say with this thing. If this story does well, if just a little bit, maybe I'll do a little more. Also, if I do continue this, I'll probably edit the tags along the way.
I'm too lazy to read this now so I'll pop back in soon. By soon I mean mid-afternoon.
I can't really say I like or dislike it....There aren't enough information for me to judge...
6307275 This was something that I was thinking about when I was about to post this, I was thinking "maybe I should share some info on them.", but then I thought to myself that John's friends aren't gonna be mentioned again for a long time, not directly anyway, maybe as an off-hand comment or something. So, I figured that I don't go into thorough detail on them, but that's just me. Do you think I should have put them in?
The picture of princes looks like a muppet to me for some reason.
cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-Beaker-Muppets-meme.jpg
and here
portlandmercury.com/binary/e7e6/1331672731-sad-kermit.jpg
Alright, I can dig this. Let's see how John handles the situation.
6308298 I guess I should edit it, thank you for your thoughts.
so the big question is, where is the actual Luna?
The writing was a tad hard to read, but it is only the first chapter. So far my impressions of the story are a bit iffy, but its an interesting concept that I'm willing to come back to later if more chapters get added.
6308587 I'll be explaining that in a chapter or two.
6308872 By "hard to read", do you mean I'm gonna have to work on grammar? Or what?
Other than that, I'm glad you're interested in this.
6308996 It is a bit of grammar issues, everything seems to move a bit too fast without enough detail, like trying to watch a movie directed by a novice director who's obsessed with shaky-cam. I do like the concept, just a bit more detail fleshing out the paragraphs would make it a bit better
6309197 Well, I just did some stuff with the characters a little bit. I think it's good right now, but I think I'm gonna need some help actually editing it.
6309301 ok, I'll be honest.
This is really badly written
I feel like the scene involving the MC's friends was, at best, badly planned, at worst, completely unnecessary.
Firstly, while it's good that you introduced the guy's friends in an organised manner, I feel like you gave out too much information about them. And the result is that you lose the readers interest. The added info just weighs the story down. I'm not saying you shouldn't have some details, but if you had structured it right you could've gotten away with some of it.
Also, why is this day even described? Unless his friends are going to be used in a major way very soon, that whole description is useless.
I also noticed some awkward wording, and you missed some opportunities to properly structure and link together your writing.
Honestly, I'm just disappointed.
6313389 Okay, I'll admit that I did a little too much info for John's friends, I just didn't know how to like sum them up so to say that doesn't make them a pointless addition to the story.
As for why the day was described, it was kind of my idea to show that nothing warranted John's sudden transportation to Equestria and that there was no reason what so ever for him being there, yet he got sent there anyway through unknown means.
Now for the "awkward wording", I'm gonna need help fleshing this out. If a lot of other writers can get editors for their stories, so can I.
Despite what I said about this being for pleasure, I still want it to be good so to say.
6316036 so I will admit I was a little bit harsh. But that doesn't make me wrong.
Alright, I have a couple suggestions. First, I need to ask, are his friends going to be major characters down the line? If the answer is no, then they don't need any descriptions beyond "a couple of my other friends". Since they're essentially background ponies. Er, humans.
I still stand by what I said about the day before. It's unnecessary. Keeping in the format you have here, it would be better if you simply had the narrator say so at the start. Do something along the line of, John is re telling the story, have a foreword where says things (as if it's after the fact) then describes the transfer. Ugh. I explained that so bad.
If you're intent on keeping this scene, consider rearranging things and omitting others. For example, when John and Mason have their duel, that would be a perfect time to mention their competitive streak.
If you want to introduce all of them, I would suggest a "sitcoms intro". That means you do something similar to what you see on the first episode of any sitcom. You go round the group and focus the camera on each one, they say a few words, the narrator says a couple (read: A COUPLE) of things a bout them, move on.
I would offer my own services as an editor, but I'm crushed by schoolwork.
hehe I am glad to see an update to this!
update!!!! and i still think Luna looks like a Muppet.Still cute and funny looking though.
Wow in most fics Tia would have overreacted, im liking where this is going and i hope we get to see "Luna" mess with blueballs.
7057237 Ooooohhh, I'll take that into consideration in my later chapters. >:)
At least we now know for certain that John hasn't replaced Luna.
Let the trolling ensue! (two Lunas pranking Llueballs that there is some pinkie pie level fun)
I don't think Celestia would look like a mix of surprise and fear.
7059548 She was kind of afraid of what is going to happen now that John and Luna are in the same room, if that makes sense to you.
This is.. interesting, i hope to see more of this in the future.
p.s i didn't see that coming another human?!
7060822 this is one of John's friends if you recall
I pretty much expected his entire crew to drop in.
7061157 So...when will Celestia and Cadence double appear?
7061852 Not really planning anything with those two, but you never know
7062080 when there is two, there is more. usually....but i don't think too many will work well...HiE don't really favor too many humans
7062106 I'll take note of that.
The fun has truly been doubled.
Yea, I like your story. Please continue.
Mane six, here we come.
More i need more of teh chapters
Oh, hey... Wow. Some of you guys are really liking this story. I'm still working on the next chapter, I just went through a bit of writer's block a while back. I'm getting back into it, so expect an update soon.
Hmmmm,,,Carry on.
Boy this is going to get crazy if we keep up the pace with these new pony/humans, i mean how many human/ponies can the author make?
7545653 I thought I explained it in the Author's Notes?
Huh, Celly seems rather... accepting of what should be grounds for a trip to the Funny Farm... Either that, or a swift attempt at Horse Exorcism...
THIS IS PRETTY COOL
I LIKE THIS
Yeah, I am actually liking this.
Hmm still good. And and good timing of great humor to boot, awesome.
I see magical mishaps in the future for these clowns. Both on the Alicorn scale of 'oops. My bad.', and at least one at rainboom speed.
This story is a mess.
But I can't stop reading it! Help me!
8061219 I like that I'm somehow keeping you in here, but what problems are you finding here?
I like this idea, bam! "Oh, looky am pony nows....WAIT WHAT!?"
so going off the padern established then the rest of the main 6 will gain doubles along with celestia
I can totally see where this is going. The group of friends turn into the main cast. You even kinda explained them in a way that was like the main cast, but still unike and different enough to through me off. I like the way you did the brothers thing though. Totally didnt see this story coming.
Soooo... dead or alive?
I am really on the fence here... for one the MC response to everything and the first chapter as a whole are bad but on the other side you didn't go with the stupid "I have yo hide everything because reasons" thing...
Who's next to show up? I can hardly wait!