Ponyville confessions

by Lunaexcelsior

Colgate A.K.A. Minuette

So I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in comes one of my most intense customers, Colgate.

Now, Colgate’s real name is Minuette, but she does not like to be called that. Trust me when I say this, do not call her Minuette! I made that mistake once… My face is still recovering from that hoof kick.

Luckily, she did not knock any of my teeth out. It’ll take a lot more than that to knock these chompers out haha.

So, as she walks in I can easily see she is decently pissed off. I mean, it’s nothing too special, especially considering the pony in question, but it was still noticeable.

“So, Ms. Colgate, I see you decided to drop by my neck of the woods”, I said to her.

“Yeah, well I heard you have some great booze around here, so I decided to check it out”, she said smugly.

“Very well madam”, I nodded to her, “What’ll you have?”

“Give me the hardest, most gut busting drink you have. And don’t be stingy! I had to deal with cheapskates and whiny babies all day”, she yelled out to me.

“One helping of Devil Springs Vodka coming right up”, I said and poured in her drink.

She downed the entire thing in one gulp. I began to count down.

“three, two, one”, I whispered under my breath.

As the count ended her eyes bulged out and she unleashed a horrid scream.

“Fuck!” she yelled “That ain’t no rosy water I can tell you that” she laughed.

“Only the harshest for Ponyville’s harshest”, I joked.

“HA HA!” she laughed “How’s about you give me another one, barskey!”

“I have an even better idea”, I said with a devilish grin.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Would you be interested in a friendly wager?” I asked her.

“What did you have in mind?” she asked, more and more curious.

“Here’s the thing”, I began, “you and I have both had some popular customers come into our workplace. They have told me some interesting secrets and you have found out some annoying stuff about them.”

“I guess you’re right”, she said, “but what about it?”

“Well here’s my proposal: I will tell you three of my most interesting confessions and you will tell me three of your own confessions. Whoever
makes the other one more disgusted, wins”, I explained.

“Sounds tempting”, Colgate replied, “but what’s in it for me?”

“I’m glad you asked”, I continued, “If you win, I will give you three bottles of Devils Spring Vodka, two bottles of Absinthe and a bottle of Everclear.”

“What the fuck is Everclear?” she asked confusedly.

“It is only one of the strongest alcoholic substances in the human world”, I explained, showing off my prized bottle of clear liquid, “This baby here is 190 proof, meaning it contains 95% of pure alcohol in it. One sip and those whiny babies wouldn’t bother you ever again.”

I could easily see her eyes lighting up at the mere mention of it. Suddenly she became skeptical.

“What’s in it for you Moustachio Magnet?” she asked me.

“You’ll give me free checkups and fix ups whenever I like”, I replied.

“Why would you need them for? Don’t you have your restaurant dentist or something?” she asked.

“We did, but turns out he was an unqualified one and that his ordination doubled as a torture room”, I shivered slightly.

“Yeah, I can see that happening”, she nodded her head and extended my hoof

“So do we have a deal?” I asked her

“Sure thing”, she replied and shook my hoof.

“Since this whole bet was your idea, how about you go first, barskey?” she asked me.

“Very well madam”, I began, “Do you know who Iron Will is?”

“Of course I know of that ugly manure eating beefcake”, she gritted through her teeth, “Did you know he actually once tried to pay me in self
help lessons?! SELF. HELP. LESSONS! Like I need more of that nonsense.”

“Charming”, I said, “Well you will be happy to know that he cam in through that door once, with fire crabs.”

Her eyes bulged out.

“Fire crabs?” she said, barely holding in her laughter, “but don’t only dragons get those?”

“Yup”, I said. Well that was it; she completely lost her self control.

“HAHAHA!” she laughed, “So, iron Will used to be some dragonette’s sex toy?! That is priceless.”

“Yeah”, I said, “but that’s nowhere near as weird as what he got himself into now. He is, as of recently, Octavia’s first class doormat. She whipped that guy so hard that he can’t even get out of it. Even if he wanted to.”

Colgate was barely holding her sides, laughing so hard.

“Oh man”, she laughed, while wiping her tears off, “That was awesome! I see you’re pulling out the big guns right away”, she said with a smirk.

“I was never planning on making it easy for you”, I said.

“Good”, she replied, “I like a challenge!”

She pondered on for a minute or so, before a sly grin appeared on her face.

“I think this one will suffice”, she said.

“Well begin then”, I told her.

“Okay, well you know Fluttershy, right?” she asked.

“Of course”, I said, “She’s one of the sweetest ponies around here.”

“One of the sweetest ponies, my blue ass”, Colgate said bitterly, “She’s a cheapskate without her priorities straight. She always skims over my bills and refuses to pay them. Well, that is until I finally did something”, she smiled evilly.

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Well I made a very serious threat to her”, she said and tapped her chin with her hoof, “Now my memory isn’t as good as it should be, but I believe I said something along the lines of ‘ breaking into her house and sacrificing that little piece of uncooked rabbit roast to the gods of dentistry’”, she said and crossed her hooves smugly.

I have to admit I was quite impressed by her actions. She noticed it and laughed.

“Try to top hat, you salt licker”, she smiled smugly.

“Oh I do have more in my arsenal. Now let’s see”, I said and caressed my moustache, “Ah got it!”

“Well then spit out! I want to get my drinks soon enough”, she continued.

“Have you heard of the Changeling Queen, Chrysalis?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I heard about her”, she replied, “What about it?”

“Well, it might interest you that, due to Celestia’s new policy on villains- -“

“Which is almost as bad as her dental plan”, Colgate interjected.

“Yeah, okay”, I said slightly irritated, “She actually got a job as the Cakes’ babysitter.”

“No way!” Colgate gasped “She’s the one taking care of those two demons?”

“You know about them?” I asked her.

“Yeah”, she sighed, “They are almost as bad as Pinkie Pie. I cannot get them to stay still and not to mention their magical abilities are driving me off the fucking walls!”

“Well, you’ll be happy to know that Chrysalis is actually using her cocoon to make them fall asleep.”
Colgate was a bit surprised.

“Isn’t that like- -“, she suggested.

“Magical asphyxiation? Indeed”, I nodded my head.

“Wow”, she said, “never knew Chrysie had it in her. That’ll be a tough one to beat”, she joked, “Oh I have one.”

“Do tell”, I said and gave her a sign to proceed.

“You are aware of how awful Celestia’s insurrance is, right?” she said.

“Yeah”, I replied, “As I heard she almost never pays up, right?”

“You’re damn right she doesn’t!” Colgate slammed her hooves on the table “Well, one of her loyal users was Princess Twilight sparkle. And she was the second most irritating user of it. Well, one day, I managed to finally get compensation from her”, she said with a pleased grin.

“Well, how did you do that?” I asked her.

“Well, you see”, she began, “I have all of my customers sign a special agreement. The agreement states that, if they don’t pay up, I am allowed to do whatever I please to them. And, well, you can see where this is going down”, she winked at me.

I was a bit shocked.

“So you and Twilight- -“, I said in surprise.

“And Amethyst Star and Sea Swirl”, Colgate stated proudly.

“Wow”, I said, “but how does it, you know, come together?” I hinted.

“Hey anything is possible with good friends behind you”, she said.

We both gave a hearty laugh at that.

“Alright, I have to admit that was a powerful one”, I said, acknowledging her confession, “But I saved my best for last”, I smirked.

“Well let’s hear it. Don’t keep me waiting!” she said.

“You asked for it”, I claimed with a smirk, “You know Filthy Rich?”

“Of course”, she said, “He always has a lot of mula and leaves a hefty tip behind.”

“Right, I would assume so”, I nodded my head, “but do you know how he amassed such wealth?”

“How?” she leaned n closer.

“Three words”, I whispered to her, “Forced. Foal. Labor.”

“Shut up!” she slapped me and covered her mouth with her front hoof.

“I am not even kidding”, I replied, “It got out and now he is forced to live with the Apples on their farm, hiding away from the angry worker. Apparently 70 percent of his factories got shut down once the word got out”, I said.

“Wow”, Colgate let out a sigh.

I was all ready to glorify my victory, but then she got a vicious smirk.

“Well, Angelo”, she began. I was quite taken that she used my actual name, instead of some made up nickname of hers.

“It was really fun and that last story got me a little worried. I mean how can I possibly top forced foal labor?” she said, faking shock, “but then I remembered Flash Sentry. Now I am certain you will lose it!”

“You mean Bland Yawnfest?” I said and gave off a slight chuckle “What can that joke of a pony possibly do to top Filthy’s?”

“It’s not what he did”, she said mysteriously, “but what I did to him.”

“Oh”, I was taken back.

“Yeah, check this out”, Colgate began, “You know how Celestia’s dental plan does next to jack and shit for me?”

“Yeah”, I said in anticipation.

“Well this whiny little twat trotted in my office one day and he immediately got on my nerves. He began to whine and moan about my methods, like I needed more of that, and to bitch about his woes with Twilight. I was fed up with that, but I let it slide. However the fact that he wasn’t able to pay up with that stupid TiaCare plan”, she gritted her teeth in anger, “Suffice to say I was more than pissed off. So I gagged and bounded the guy and threatened not to give him back until I was fully compensated.”

“You kidnapped a Royal Guard?!” I said with surprise.

“Hey, I want my money. I have bills to pay after all”, she exclaimed. I agreed with her.

“So anyway, I demanded to be fully compensated from Twilight, but she paid only half.”

“So you cut Flash in half?” I exclaimed.

“Well that was my first idea”, she said, “but I only cut off one of his wings. I figured they wouldn’t pay me for his dead body. Then Celestia intervened, but she only partially paid as well, so another wing went off and was mailed to her.”

I just stood there in shock.

“In the end I got my payment, so I gave Flash back. Last I heard, he was working on Maud’s rock farm and was still bitching about Twilight”, she said smugly.

I looked at her for a few moments in silence. After that I extended my hoof.

“Colgate, you win”, I said, handing over her the bottles, “You truly have completely and utterly shocked and disgusted me. Congratulations!”

“Thank you”, she said, taking the alcohol, “It wasn’t easy. You’re one tough guy, barskey. We should do this again sometimes. And tell ya what?
Next time you have a 10 percent discount on your root channel operation”, she winked at me.

“Thank you. And we will do something like this once again. Just let me restock”, I said jokingly.

We both gave off a hearty laughter as she left.

You see a lot of weird things as a bartender. You see a lot of weird things at the Hay Palace. So, I see a lot of weird things as a bartender at the Hay Palace. And that’s no lie. Swear on me mum.

Author's Note:

Special thanks to the user StormLuna, whose interpertation of Colgate's character is what I used in this story. If you want to know what the hay is Colgate talking about here, check it out here:Colgate's Rants. If you are a fan of Ponyville's confessions you will love Colgate's rants, I can tell you that much.

This was the longest confessions so far, in celebration of having more than 2000 total reads, as of writing this. It is my most popular story here and this was my small thank you to all of my readers and commentors out there. You made me reach this goal and you're what keeps the confessions going along. So from the bottom of my heart thank you and I will see you back at the Hay Palace. Cheers!

Comments

[StormLuna]

I loved this and you're welcome. I do think my version of Colgate is WAY BETTER than the one of her in the show and you nailed my version of her perfectly! Good job. So far I'm enjoying this story and given the way it is going, I know I'll continue to enjoy it! An upvote, a fave AND a follow!

[Lunaexcelsior]

6291501 Luckily he survived

[Lunaexcelsior]

6291741 Thank you so much for your kind words. I completely agree that your version is superior, considering that she is a super fan in the show (I was actually worried that it would turn out the only reason she likes Twi now was because she's a princess and she is trying to mooch off her royalty), and I really enjoyed your rant series so i thought to pit her against Ponyville's most knowledgable pony. Glad you enjoyed the series

[StormLuna]

6292551 Given that you like my more brash version of Colgate, you should check out my Colgate's Practice trilogy. It is my brash version of her mixed with a good serving of gore if you are into that kind of stuff.