- Member Since 17th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen 19 hours ago
Wolfsalvo
If you want to see more of my work, look me up on Fanfiction.net, I have many stories already finished there that may interest you if you enjoy what I post here.
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Very good I love basically every Human X Luna you write and I hope you continue
Haven't read the story yet the story, but I'm sure I could turn off the mature filter and read mature stories before I made an account. That was over a year ago though things might have changed.
This a one shot or a another chapter might appear at some point?
More?
i only had read the first part, and i would like to read something like that, again, only not just as a one-shot, a longer version of it, but the romance/sex more slow paced.
i didn´t managed to read it in one go, but i continue later, i just don´t have the time now, but it is pretty good.
For a story that took nearly 2(?) years till it finally got put into public eye, I have to say it felt really good. The characters were likeable and the steady development of their infatuation led to a good payoff in the end (and some therapy for our poor dear Celestia). Nice work on this story, your work is an excellent example of good writing for many to see and/or be inspired by.
Best of luck with any future endeavors you have with writing. I'm interested in seeing what else you have in store for us viewers.
This was a very lovely story, and I enjoyed the romantics immensely. I liked the personality of Theo, and Luna was also very enjoyably. I liked all the effort that went into this; shame that others don't put as much thought into stories. I am looking at you every fanfic that gives this site a bad name.
Now moving on, I think Celestia is going to need some brain bleach, or a bottle of hard cider after witnessing the act of her sister and lover.
I hope to see other great things you write in the future, and I wish you a good day.
Quick, enjoyable, sweet and a decent lenght... exactly how I like it.
2 years is quite a long time... but the result is worth it.
Thanks for sharing it with us
Please. Apostrophe. Please.
You kinda..well, really butchered the 'olde english/old equestrian' style of speech. It was kinda cringeworthy, to be honest.
Loved it. Thank you so much for writing it.
The amount of times the word ''yet'' was used was just over the top. You even used it when you didn't need it and made sentences have no sense.
We need to see the morning after. Like at the Breakfast/Dinner table.
Fluffy romance smut is best smut, imo.
Loved it. My original MLP fanfic started off with the idea of a human and Luna having a relationship. So looking at this I can really feel connected between me and Theo. Though it seems Celestia needs a friendship letter from Twi to help get the nights events out of her mind.
Reminds me of a few other "Human/Luna" stories
Not bad, I found it quite enjoyable
WHAT!? ....... WHAT!?
I can't help myself from laughing its hilarious
GIVE US MOARRRRR
please...
You could not have butchered the old-style language any harder if you were the CMC with a head wound.
No way I can read this thing through that writing trainwreck.
Your story's title is missing an apostrophe. It should be: The Night's Friend
6230283 i.imgur.com/0h62Hqv.jpg
6230283
Yeah Abyss is right in that. I have made the same mistake in the past easily done.
Here ya go, Celestia
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/myimmortal/images/b/b0/Brain_bleach.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20100925193245
Now about that breakfast...
Yeah, pretty sure most authors on here haven't fucked a horse nor a living show-esque pony, so you're good there.
6231380
Besides that,
Am I the only one who notices A-circumflexes, Euros and Trademarks?
i.imgur.com/PM7X0Xv.png
Celestia is probably thinking about the fact that he managed to please an alicorn.
Two main critisisms and they both revolve around a word:
First, you use "yet" way too damn much. It was getting to the point where you really start to notice it. You can write around "yet" and sparingly use "however"
Second is pussy. Pussy, pussy, pussy and more pussy. Pussy? Pussy. So much pussy, and although I love a lot of pussy in real life, you need to get more words in the story.
Pussy, vagina, sex, heated/soaked sex, marehood, heated/soaking/winking/etc marehood, cunt, cunny, wet lips, nether lips, naughty bits, heat, warmth, arousal.
There are so many words you can use apart from pussy. It takes away from the action.
Apart from that good story.
6233994 Exactly that and never use pussy or vagina in a clop and if you do use it very very sparingly.
One of the best luna x human Fanfic i have ever read thank you for this my dog died today and this made me feel better
I would like a side story which the focus of is more on Celestia and what she did during the course of this story, for example: what did go through her mind when she left Luna's chamber after seeing the two in the middle of a make out session?
Just food for thought
6234249
6233994
Ctrl + F then search for a particular word.
i.imgur.com/MzD9FXi.png
i.imgur.com/QrjCjVl.png
Revise ludicrous overuse of 'yet', please.
6234865 Holy shit I didn't think that "yet" was used that much.
Yeah get over using "yet". Goddamn.
6233994
Honestly, I find if off-putting when it feels as though I'm reading a thesaurus rather than a story. Some variety in word use doesn't hurt, but when an author goes out of their way to use every ridiculously obscure word or phrase for a sex organ imaginable it completely kills the mood.
Its okay overall.
Repetitive word use (yet yet pussy overuse) is distracting.
It goes too fast. And it feels kinda desperate (as a relationship) due to their total social isolation and how quick it escalate to the clop.
Their characterization need more meat on the bones. Loner phase is okay, friendship phase is mostly skipped (wich is why it feels rushed). Then clop.
Plus you could have played with her dream walking to build something up between them.
I think it would work much better if its was longer (or more chapters) and you spend more time fleshing out their relationship/interaction from loners, to friend, to lovers.
Celestia scene at the end:
media0.giphy.com/media/jUwpNzg9IcyrK/giphy.gif
6235342 yeah but there is a difference between doing the crazy amount of variation and saying pussy 28 times (or whatever that one giy showed)
Plus there is tone when using alternate words. Passionate vs Crazy Hot Sex
6232861 I dream of it every single day.
Bow the fun part is to see what I was referring to, the horse pussy or the show pony pussy.
Just kidding, the answer is yes.
Quite enjoyable and overall a good story.
A few criticisms though, the first half is a bit of a rough read due to the choppy writing, it got better as the story progressed though so that's good.
Second thing I saw was that there were a couple words/phrases you used too often making them sound rather redundant, (Yet, smirk, heart flutter, and pussy) were the ones I noticed most. Try to use a bit more variety so that way it doesn't sound so bland. That said there's such a thing as going overboard so don't try to use every single version of the phrase just for variety's sake like some do. But a few deviations such as instead of "I smirked" you could say "I fostered a small grin" or "A smile crept across my face".
Last thing I noticed was that there were a few parts you tried to elaborate on a bit too much. There's a point where embellishment stops adding to the story and starts detracting from the main focus. I'm sure you can figure it out though :)
Like I said, overall a great story, great descriptions/character development, setting and plot were well thought out and engaging too
6236752 Openly revealing mature words are we now.
6233994 I know this is a mature fiction and all but it would be wise to cover those words in the comment section no?
Good Story! Liked The Clop As Well!
6237725 No, because fuck you that's why.
You aren't the Naughty Word Police, especially on a site where we view a variety of ponies getting fucked by everything and anything.
If naughty words are so upsetting in a volunarily viewed comment section, then maybe you shouldn't view erotica.
Bruh
6239354 Nice polite comment you have there. *sigh*
6237699
Not sure what you mean by "revealing mature words are we now?"
Ehhh... okay, it's something. While the length is wonderful (and I do mean it), the writing itself was a bit choppy on some parts, though most of it is grammatically accurate... it feels too... verbose-y. Needlessly so, becoming very bland and tasteless at about the 1/3rd mark ( that or my infatuation with your incorrectly placed sad tag {more on that later} made me neglect the writing on the 1st/3rd). Your insistence on repeating some words are very unsettling to me. Please don't. It's not only like what others before me described, regarding a few words "yet" "pussy" "tongue", etc. I'm complaining about your damned repetition of whole sentences. No, they aren't exactly duplicates, but your writing tends to be very repetitive. Methinks you need a wider repertoire, otherwise it's all oh so very redundant.
However, I'm not here to pass too much judgment on the writing, no. My major bone to pick regards Theo, The Bland. There's absolutely nothing in the text that makes me feel anything for/against him. He's your staple Human In Equestria #67012; nothing particularly worthy of interest. Even his "gloom" is poorly developed, sounding way more over-dramatic than what you probably intended to.
Besides this, there's the little piece you wrote about him being an eye-candy for Luna and other mares as he walked shirtless through the Castle. While I will concede that he probably was an eye-candy for her, given her infactuation with him. After all, she does admit that he's exotic. While that's all fine and good; why would other mares, who have never seen a human before (let alone a shirtless one), be aroused by him? Irregardless of his rhabdomyocyte-to-adypocyte ratio; he's still an alien: in all fairness, they'd find him disgusting (after all, similar likes similar). This honestly feels like a bad attempt to paint us the mental image of Theo being "an really cool guy" [sic] which backfired, prompting me to look at my mental image of your identity sternly and ask: "Really? No, really?"
The major turndown for me was the presence of the sad tag. Why is it there? While I do see that both Theo and Luna are suffering at the start of the fic (Theo's suffering being criticized on the 1st paragraph), the story isn't sad. Sadness isn't a major theme in this. I was expecting something heartbreaking for the last couple o' thousand words or so.
Clop, although not my preferred delicacy, still plays a major role in this story. So much that it allows me to criticize it as well. It's as bland as the overly-descriptive, telling-and-not-showing "filler text". If clop wasn't the purpose of your story, then you should altogether omit it or make an en passant remark about it. Alternatively, if you're like me and you give zero fucks about inserting pornography into an otherwise "clean" story, then don't end it right after the act if the porn isn't the purpose of it! If, however, clop was the purpose of your story, then you need to devote a few more hours of your day to study the dark arts of cartoon pony nether regions and their practical approach.
And a final tidbit of trivia that most people don't know: when a female squirts, they are urinating. Sure, when a woman is aroused, she may drip at best, but there are no "leaks" in vaginal fluids enough to make the mess you described. So you inadvertently wrote a watersports story! Nice.
But overall, 6/10. Enjoyable at times. Eye roll inducing at many others.
I hope this gives you something to ponder about regarding your writing. Always strive for perfection.
TL;DR:
)
+ Good story length
- Repetition
- Needs more actual romance.
- Repetition
- Needs better plot development
- Repetition
- Needs better plot handling (hehehehe, I swear I'm like a 12 y/o at times
- Repetition
- Bland main character
- Repetition
- Trying-too-hard descriptions of said main character's appeal on others
- Repetition
6244113 He was trying to be smart. Didn't work out.
6245850 the length of the comment! I will say when I got on to finally reply to all of the comments, I saw your comment, and jaw drop moment. Now, for the first part of your review, I must say I thank you, as while others (as you noted), it seems I am repetitive, enough that at times even I notice it, and that is why I write with a thesaurus at my side... though at times it doesn't help my writing. What I didn't know, was my sentences were repetitive, and for that, I apologize but also thank you. I will look through the story again and try to see it how you do...
The second part... I understand, though I have no idea how to elaborate on his gloom, especially without leaving the main part of the story (the word escapes me at the moment).
I didn't know what to use the Sad tag for... I will remove it now.
The hell! God, I may have undertaken a story idea I wasn't truly prepared for. I don't really delve into those dark arts how most people really do that actually write good clop, but then you add that trivia... -_-
Any tips as to how I can generally improve my story writing as a whole, as well as going back and rewriting this story to possibly improve its overall quality? I'm not disheartened about my lack of skill for what I attempted to write... I can write romance and other categories nicely, but as a 'professional' author, I still have too much to learn for what skill I assume I have at times.
6225601
6225204 It did almost take 2 years, yes, but it seems length in time didn't exactly do me any real favors, other than to over ferment a good story with potential, as I admit, most parts are repetitive.
6225664 finished.
6225696 I normally attempt to keep good use of old speech, but that wasn't needed in this story, so yes, it was butchered without any care. Yes, butchered is correct, yet it was meant to be for a short use, no more use for much longer than the beginning part of the story.
6230145 I'm entirely ok with that, even considering it wasn't used much after the first part of the story...
6232861 That was a sarcastic and rude as hell comment...
6233994 sorry...
6246381 If you took my comment as sarcastic or rude, then you are very much mistaken.
pre14.deviantart.net/8264/th/pre/i/2012/126/1/1/cloud_chaser_by_prozenconns-d4ypz45.png
6246332 Your ability to remain cool about getting criticism is wonderful and you should always cherish it.
Okay, first things first. I'm not a big fan of revisiting my older works. When I try to edit older stories of mine I often become increasingly frustrated by looking at my mistakes (plot-wise); I want to correct them, but it would create a different story altogether. So I advise you to only rewrite the stories you really cherish. Otherwise, don't even bother to correct simple grammatical errors. You should, however, give them a re-read every now and then and try to see if you can spot some mistakes of yours and ponder on how to correct them; how you'd write a passage differently; how you'd handle the plot if you were to write it today.
The key to mastering the art of writing is more writing and reading. Read some popular stories (or, if the featured box sucks, as is often the case, try to search for a story to your liking written in a way you find enjoyable and well enough written). Pay attention to how the authors handle emotion and how they balance the descriptions with the story pacing and overall story plot. A honest reviewer and pre-reader will also do you very good. Only go for editors if English isn't your mother language; otherwise, try to do all the editing yourself. It's hard work, but if you really invest your time, sweat and blood on it, you'll only improve.
Don't be afraid to publish stories. Try genres that are not your cuppa' tea, just to test yourself and see how you fare. Write as you please and invite criticism, though you should keep an open mind about those and not treat them as the universal truth. Dismiss useless comments such as "moar
" or "plz stop writing and die in a fire", since they are both equally meaningless. Try to read others' stories and give a honest criticism on what you thought of it (this is a very important exercise most authors forget). Don't dwell so much on pony fanfiction; although it offers a good base, since you have the show canon to back you up, making some character presentations and descriptions somewhat unnecessary, it tends to limit your creative freedom.
But, as always, take my words with a grain of salt. I'm no expert. I only saw potential in you and decided to give you my 2 cents. And don't feel bad about mine or others' criticisms. You have skill; you just need to always strive to perfect it.
6246887 Your nickname and your comment. Please look at those.
Stop.
6247187 Want some popcorn with that salt, mate?