After a long boring day of basically nothing happening, Luna challenges Celestia to a game of chess. However Celestia proposes a different way of playing it.
Cover Art by Oak Sabletwist
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 25th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen April 14th
CreatureofTheNight
An internet reviewer and lover of MLP. That's all I got to say Creature of the Night out
CreatureofTheNight
Joined 25th Sep, 2014 ·
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In absolute honesty, I enjoyed this, but a lot of the time I found myself thinking, "Why in Gods name are the doing this?".
Still, I did like this story.
Do want me to do some cover art for this? Because I can if you want
6019813
I would love you too :D
6020410 Just beware- I do take a little while, as I'm moving house and we have lots of work to do, but hopefully I will have it done by Sunday!
6020635
That's perfectly fine...I won't look a gift horse in the mouth
In answering your summons, I have come.
Hmm. Two gods playing chess, very well. Let's look at this then. In this, umm... "review" I suppose you could call it, I'm going to flat out and edit every little detail where you went wrong. To do that successfully, I would rather have a GDoc of this. And a few free hours to do so. I can give you examples of some, but I'm going to be looking at the big things here.
Right now, just from looking at the first paragraph, your overall style is very... well, basic. Not that there is a problem with that, but in being basic, you also open yourself up to using cliche lines. Your opening sentence actually reminds me of the narrator from Dragon Ball Z abridged when everyone lands on Namek, just with heavy modifications. Cliche lines are like a double edged sword with a lot more tendency to come back and bit you in the ass. The way the intro to this reminds me of the phrase "It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and <insert event of main character>". It's also very flat and dry, which can be changed by expanding your word choices.
The point of view (POV) in this story is also all over the place. It begins as being possibly from some narrator who has third person omnipresence state here, but then dives into a POV that could only be described as Celestia's, then smacking down into Luna. You also need to find a way to separate thoughts from events in the story, such as italicizing the thoughts and putting them into their own paragraph.
Also, why does Luna need to be awake for Twilight to be showing them around "her" (which is this Twilight or Luna's?) castle? Isn't it also Celestia's? Don't the Princesses have better things to do? Luna is staying awake for Twilight and her friends, and then suddenly decides to stay awake and find something to do? Interesting, maybe it's because I'm getting old, but I would have just gone back to bed. Wondering why I was needed in the first place if I wasn't doing anything to begin with.
I'm not going to touch on punctuation, but you need a lot of it in here.
Personally, I would consider Luna and Celestia out of character in this. I don't think Tia would be so casual in addressing her sister during the waking hours, and I question if Luna would want to phrase "playing" like that. Your terminology is also off in here with the chess pieces, and you don't have enough pieces. Chess is played with a total of 16 pieces per side, 8 pawns, 8 royal pieces. You have 5 on each side. I'm not sure where the pawns are at in the beginning of this, and later on it sounds like the pawns are behind everypony.
There are no Castles, those are Rooks.
There are no wizards, those are Bishops.
White moves first, game rule, drop the age thing.
You can still use the correct terminology of chess when it comes to Equestria. If someone is offended over the use of the word "bishop" and believes that you are implying religion of some sort, they are reading too deep into this. If you honestly had no idea those where the actual names of the pieces, or grew up believing those where the names, I would recommend looking into your subject terminology for confirmation before doing so again.
I sort of scanned through everything else. The names just got repetitive and it hurt to read. The movement was also very hard to figure out and map out in my head. I don;t understand why they needed the Mane 6 and the CMC to do this when they had the guards. They were in Canterlot, and the Mane 6 at least have been there before, so I don't know why they needed a tour. Then I am also at a lost to why Luna was needed for that tour, where she did nothing. Seemed like no one was doing anything that day, and getting those guards could have been a productive thing.
Congradulations on stepping out of your comfort zone, and I encourage you to keep going. If you want to improve, it's very easy.
1: Get an editor (the fix it all button)- I don't know why, but this seems like a taboo phrase. I have yet to know anyone I have mentioned this to actually do it. Just give a "oh, thanks for the feedback" and proceed to do nothing. It seems to be a reach out of the comfort zone for many to seek a editor or a proof reader for assistance on a story. People want their stories to do the best, but seem unwilling to utilize all of the tools at their disposal, editors being on of them. (Sorry, I ranted)
2: Keep reading books - I notice that if I have been reading for a while, that my grammar and word usage has a tendency to improve. I'm not talking about reading the good old pony fics from here, I'm talking about the actual, honest to God books that libraries and book stores have, the ones that have made it through a publishing company (which has legions of editors, btw). You get a sense of how dialogue, punctuation, and story flow can look like and need to look like by reading various stories.
3: Keep going - Don't get discourage or think bad of your work. Take pride in that you had the courage to put your work out on display for the world to see. Yeah, some will like it, some will hate it, some will praise it, and others shall scoff at it. But you did it. You posted a story, something a lot of critics themselves have a hard time doing. Now is the time to take what you have learned and apply it to your writings and make your future stories even better.
TL;DR Get an editor.
Excited would fit a little better.
punctuation.
Correction:
As Celestia was rolling down memory lane, Luna walked into the throne room. Celestia looked up and said, "Oh, Luna, hey, I was just thinking about you."
Smiling Luna said, "I pray it is not a dark thought." Celestia shook her head no and Luna said, "Listen, I know we're grown mares now and...it seems a bit silly but...you wanna play a game like we used to do when we were fillies? I'm kinda bored."
Same thing.
Correction:
Celestia paused as similar memories came back and she smiled. "I would love to beat you again!" She teased as Luna slightly glared. "But how about we make this more interesting?"
The sudden change of scenery is a bit abrupt. Putting an "hr" tag would be nice. (hr enclosed in [ ])
ex:
"What did you have in mind?" Luna said with a slight smirk of her own. She is not going to lose to Celestia again. She's got a promise to keep after all.
In Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Appledash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell, and Applebloom
I will come back and say more on this chapter tomorrow after school. I must be getting to bed. Night