- Member Since 11th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
wonderkid125
The next best thing to a typewriting monkey. Most of the time.
wonderkid125
Joined 11th Dec, 2012 ·
Offline
Sequels4
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wonderkid125 · 5.7k words · 11 3 · 339 views
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wonderkid125 · 267k words · 20 9 · 864 views
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wonderkid125 · 68k words · 490 views
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wonderkid125 · 471k words · 20 5 · 303 views
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I loved the story and hope you write more in the future I just hope you eventually get around to naming the chapters!
Just started. I am immediately reminded of Kingdom Hearts.
Love this story
6005527 Why thank you
I'm glad you like it.
i just start reading and God i like it.i think i will have finish this by the end of the week
6029743
Many thanks. I plan on updating every Monday assuming nothing happens of course.
Told you id finish it before the end of the week.
i loved every minutes of it.
Keep on the good work
oh twilight,why do you always get in trouble.
good chapter as always
6203607 Thanks, I appreciate that you took the time to check it out. I hope you enjoy it all the way through and it doesn't go downhill later on :)
Okay. So, a mix of Danny Phantom, and David from the Last Dragon Chronicles, with maybe a little Eragon. Sounds like a fun character.
6252371 Never heard of the last dragon chronicles. I did take some inspiration from Danny Phantom, but I didn't draw from Eragon... at least not intentionally.
Witcher????
well shit.
SICK!!!
A new chapter for one of my favorite story,during my BIRTHDAY!!!!
i'm going to read the shit out of it
6491229
Happy birthday!
6491671 thank you kindly
I'm wondering what will happen next :S
i hope there will not be a lot of casualties.
...You know, I could've sworn that this story has a sequel. Does it have a sequel?
6681296
Not as of yet. I do plan on making future stories though. Is there a story similar to this one or something?
the only thing i can compare these monsters to is the water douches from Amnesia The Dark Descent
i was starting to get a little salty that Tom was getting wrecked so much but he finally fought back :D
6681555 I don't think so. It just sounds familiar to me.
Started this story a while ago, but I lost it for a bit when I changed phones. Had to start over again because I couldn't mange heads or tails one I resumed where I left off. But what I remember I recall being really good.
Respectfully, Titan
6919838
Thanks for checking it out. Even if you had to do it twice, I appreciate it.
Why doesn't this story have a dark tag?
7051674 I figured that the horror and gore tags were enough to convey what the story was generally about. I try not to delve too far into grimdark territory though.
Tip for writing in the future: If you can't imagine the character saying something in their voice, then the reader probably can't either. Frankly this seems almost like Rarity talking. 'Certainly' for example is not a word Rainbow Dash would use in casual conversation. Compare that, with this...
"I really hope so, nothing exciting's happened in the last three whole days... And that was just a runaway storm cloud!"
7202215 Thanks for the tip. I'm not that good at making dialogue and moving the plot forward elegantly. I'll keep this in mind when I come back and clean up some of the earlier chapters a bit.
Look out! Here comes Tom!
7202380 Yeah... I made his character before watching that episode. I'm a little bit upset... not that I would have changed his name or anything. I would have made a joke about that if I knew beforehand.
Why the hell did they forget a hospital was a thing that existed?
.... ... .... Did you forget who you were writing, here? This is Twilight. Sparkle.
She never gets tired of reading.
... Also I know this is an Alternate Universe, but in baseline MLP, the school is an old-fashion one roomed schoolhouse complete with bell on top of it.
Ah. I see the ponies are being nerfed into uselessness to emphasize the importance of the 'real' main character, and build drama.
... Honestly? I'd be half tempted to have the critter that climbed out of that blood puddle look a lot like a certain small filly.
How very 'silent hill'
... ... Why the hell didn't they have that thing on in the first place?
Another good question: They only need four candles to seal off a room as long as it's placed in a square. They could have taken two with them, since they found six.
Another thing. FIRE. If you can't make light, make fire. Yeesh. The hospital's almost empty *anyway*. Oh and while we're at characters being useless for the sake of tension, Twilight can teleport across freaking TOWN, and make multiple smaller jumps with no apparent stress whatsoever. Why the hell didn't she just teleport back to the lobby? Or better yet, out into the daylight? So much nonsense.
7204038 I realize I made a lot of mistakes with inconsistencies and making characters less powerful than they were in the show. I wrote most of this story without having watched many episodes of the show. Still, I don't really have an excuse for making so many cringe worthy moments.
This is my first time writing anything on such a large scale like this, and I figured that I would be fine if some people could look past the glaring mistakes to get some enjoyment out of it, which a lot of people have. You've gotten fairly far into the story, so I assume you must like it to some extent. Thank you for still reading and pointing out the many flaws I overlooked. I promise I will try my best to avoid these problems with future stories.
Although, could you be a bit more gentle with applying logic to my story? I know it's bad... pointing it out so much just hurts my feelings T_T Just kidding... kind of.
... Where the hell did they make all that junk in 24-36 hours?
EDIT: Ah.
7204156 I do enjoy it actually, but I also realize that it's unpolished and that its author has the potential to make it far better than it is. Still, I'll be kinder in my criticisms.
...Meh, it's angel bunny. The fandom would rejoice if that little blighter died.
In the future, due try to remember your characters have wings, and they aren't stupid video game 'limited time flight' wings either. Your readers certainly will. Suspension of belief is a fragile thing, and it won't survive constantly having your characters forget they can fly. Especially ones that fly more than they walk like Rainbow. Still, it's OK to do that sometimes.
Muuuuch better this chapter than last.
...Hospital.
Seriously. They aren't just for creepy situations, silly. They are pretty good about the whole blood loss bleeding to death thing. Also, not every gash will bleed out rapidly, especially when bandaged and pressure is applied, though you will certainly lose more blood than is healthy. Also if they can get from the bookstore to the library, they should be able to make it to the hospital.
7205451 Well, to be fair Peppermint is a trained medic.
At some point you just have to say "Know what? Screw it" and set the Everfree Forest on fire.
... ... Tom seems like an intelligent young man from somewhat modern times. I sincerely hope that he's considered recreating or reintroducing a firearm, even if just a basic blunderbuss, to the ponies. I mean even a single load rifle is lethal, and it's remarkable how easily taken care of most of the antagonists would have been with a bullet instead of a sword. I mean it's one thing to decide against introducing arguably the greater evil, and it's completely another to not even consider it.
Another thing to consider that most fanfic authors just... don't. Ever.
Do you know how many pounds of torque it takes to break someone's neck? Not very much. Do you know what spell almost all unicorns know innately? Telekinesis. Do you know what a pony with telekinesis can do? They can reach out, grab another pony's head, and twist.
Some fanfics try to nerf this and say that ponies can't grab onto other ponies with their telekinesis, or just parts of them but... we see that happening in the show fairly often. It's just they don't do that because it's a kid's show. So unless there's something to actively counter magic, Twilight could feasibly have grabbed Raincloud's head and given it a sharp twist, and that problem would be over, at the cost of Twilight's 'innocence'. Same for Dust Kicker.
Generally speaking, if you run into situations like that, don't just try to ignore it and hope nobody notices. Address it and explain why the character didn't. Anything from fear to being unwilling to use something they were taught existed to help others to take a life.
7205648 I never even really thought of that. But if I had, I would have just written an explanation that Twilight would never do that. Perhaps I can explore pushing her to do something like that in a later story.
And as far as the gun situation goes, I considered giving Tom a revolver that he brought with him to Equestria, but decided against it. He couldn't exactly teach the others how to make one either. I plan on explaining something in another story that pertains to this indirectly, but Tom doesn't know how to assemble a gun, even a basic one. He does however know how to shoot one, minus experience of course.