- Member Since 6th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen January 5th
Remedyfortheheart
My name is Remedy. Call me Remi. I've recently come into the fandom and have always had a secret passion and natural knack for writing and reading. So now with that said I'm setting it to the test.
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Whatever that is in the description, that isn't Scootaloo.
5783169 Let me fix it up a bit then. This entry was meant for a contest so I didn't really put much research into Scoots. Also your depiction of Scootaloo and mine will be different. I'm sorry I didn't capture her essence. Also keep in mind how much older she is now. And it's a different universe. She would have had to grew up differently.
Gonna be blunt about this.
The dialogue was terrible and seemed EXTREMELY rushed.
Everything else was phenomenal. Aside from a few grammatical errors here and there and the mentioned dialogue this story was perfect in my opinion. Love the way you portrayed Scoots and gave life to her thoughts throughtout the story. Your descriptions of the characters and their intentions were very relatable while still leaving something for the imagination. This story has the potential to have alot more thrown into mixing (meaning there are alot of ways that you could expand on and better this story). Which brings me to my next point...
I would absolutely LOVE another chapter for this story or maybe even an entirely new story using the same characters and feel.
Seeing a love struck, lusty, girly Scoots is a very refreshing change from he common tom-boyish attitude.
10/10 story and easily a favorite for me.
5783518 Thank you! I love these kind of critiques. It allows me to get better on different points of my writing skills. I'll work on that small error. I'm still proofreading it by the way. Honestly I felt like I didn't have much room for proper dialogue due to word limitations for the contest this Story has entered in. Normally I would just let the conversation flow out but that would take up more space in the contest's limitations. I'm happy you enjoyed it so much. The feedback has been nothing but fantastic! So I may just make a squeal to this little story here.
Haven't even read it yet, and I can spot a problem. Your paragraphs are way, way too big. This is called a "wall of text" and can make reading difficult.
5783567 Details are a bad thing? Also without the spacing wouldn't everything be a "wall of text"? I don't see how placing effort into something like that is bad...
5783655 I didn't say anything about details, and I'm not being mean. I was simple pointing out the problem with your paragraphing. After reading the first few paragraphs, though, I could see this is a really good story, just with a lot of grammar issues. In fact, I thought I'd do you a little favor. I C&P'd it to Word and fixed a few things. I didn't change the story, or any of the actual content, I just spaced out paragraphs and fixed a few formatting errors. I'll send it to you via PM, if you'd like. Granted, my grammar isn't the best, so there's likely some things I've missed.
Things to remember about dialogue;
"Italics in quotations is emphasized speech" like yelling (when paired with !)
Italics without quotes denotes thought
Single quotes are for 'concepts and metaphors'
This is so people know when someone is speaking or not.
5783839 Well good to see some tips for my site work. Normally I just use "-" or "(" to separate thoughts form speech. Seeing as there are certain trends on this site I'm still adapting. Not bad for a new writer on site with only a month and a half on his belt of writing stories.
5783864 Not bad at all. There is a great story here, much better than my first; Click me
Of course, I improved a lot; Remake
5783911 This is me with minimal effort. I had to make it fit the contest I was entering it in. I hate word limitations. I recommend "The Colt Inside" for you. It's purely pony but actually shows what I can do in a story.
5783928 Holy crap, that is you
. I already follow that, and "Love is Chaotic, Chaos is Lovable". Well, I might as well follow you.
5783939 Lol a fan and you didn't even know it.
5783560
>word limitations for the contest
This explains alot. As I said earlier I felt like the whole thing was rushed and could have easily been stretched out into 10k+ words and multiple chapters. Given the creative restrain you were placed under this is sorta understandable now.
This only makes me want to see a "unlimited" story by you even more now. I may be checking out the Chaos is Love story btw.
5784506 I hope you do. My most unrestrained stories are actually "The Colt Inside." My very first story on site and for the fandom ever. And "Clop to Me". Please enjoy! They're my top two stories as of right now.
Can probably drop 'another' from the description. It makes it sound like Scootaloo is a guy here, because 'another' would suggest a boy other than Scootaloo.
This bit is odd. Is he going too quick, or oh so slowly? Same paragraph, no indication that he changed speed mid paragraph, but two very different speeds.
5784641 You are completely right another would refer to Scoots having experience with another boy. I'll fix that. As for the second comment. Preening takes time. Going through each and every feather. This includes adjusting feathers for optimal flight, straightening each feather to allow it to catch wind, and cleaning it of any and all possible derby to to make flying smoother for said bird. Preening takes time and Rainbow was ignoring spots and feathers. Choosing to tease Scoots rather than do a proper job. Ever had a gentle caress of your earlobes? Where your girl or guy would lightly touch your ear in a sensual tease? Think about it that way as Rainbow in this story was more along the lines of teasing Scoots rather than doing his job right.
frig, i wish this story didn't end, its so good! >_> i think im gonna read it again...
gud story, personally, adding to my favorites without a doubt!
This was just such an amazing story. I really really enjoyed reading it. Especially because there's R63 and I love reading stories that have R63 in them.
That looks more like an E621 Cover Pic than anything else.
Good. Lord. This was magnificent. Favourite and a like dear Sir.
OK, after reading this line, I immediately thought of this:
(Oddball is best Tanker!)
5786026 it does, hehe
5786538 IKR? Shit, man. Whoever made that needs to alter it some to fit the standards (some aesthetic things like a wardrobe change and view angle) and send it in.
I WANT MORE! PLEASE GIVE ME MORE!
5786026 Have no idea what that is. Truth be told. My story failed moderation due to it's original pic being "NSFW" Had to find another anthro pic of scoots. So trust me when I say it's not easy trying to find a good one with google.
5786985 Well this story has been getting a lot of love. So I'm thinking of a squeal sometime in the future. For now read my other stuff.
She just answered her own query.
5787156 ...Oh my God... Dude, type in e621.net , and your crotch will thank us both. It's that fantastic. Every single fetish on the internet, all in one place. It's glorious. When I first saw it, I wondered where it was all my life.
I would not object to a sequel or another chapter.
5787156
https://www.derpibooru.org/ search for the words " scootaloo, anthro " without quotes. Derpibooru tends to be the e621 specifically for ponies. If its been drawn, and its mlp related, its on there with a plethora of tags to make finding similar content a breeze. Ranges from SFW to NSFW. You need a free account to see anything that's labeled more than questionable though.
Did you know this is featured?
5788462 Yes actually. And i could't be any happier! That officially makes 50% of all my stories having been featured on the site. The other featured stories of mine are "Clop to Me", "Love is Chaotic, Chaos is Lovable", and "The Colt Inside." I'm still new to fimfiction so is that a good number?
5788145 thank you! I'll be sure to give it a try. This will help my future work.
the sex just kinda seems to come out of literally nowhere.
I read this and had to read it again to be sure I hadn't missed any details. We go from Rainbow being nervous to instant sex. The transition is literally Rainbow preening Scoots - Scoots sitting up - Rainbow deciding to fuck her brains out for a reason I can't find. The rest was great but this broke the story for me.
5788568 Word limitations. I had to kinda scrunch what I can normally do. This story is my entry for a contest. I have already come close to the limitations of 5,000 words. Anymore and I could be disqualified.
Keep in mind we're reading from Scoots's perspective. She doesn't know what Blitz is thinking about or what he may do. All we know on our side and her's is that she is trying her best to seduce Rainbow. Everything from attire to her small movements. Leading up to the single point she wanted.
Second point is we don't know what Blitz is thinking about or how effective her seduction was on him. So try to think about how you would feel seeing someone dressed up all sexy like that begging to be touched. Perking her round tight butt up against you and practically drooling at seeing you barely dressed. All in all I had to lessen on all the details I wanted to put in to make way for the contest and I pretty much had thought it would have been obvious.
Third point. If you want to see more romance more detailing in a story please refer to my other stories. Where I write unrestrained with all the detail I could muster. I'm sure you'll enjoy them.
5788491 Yes. Only three of mine have been featured; "Chaotic Harmony" (still don't know how. The grammar is atrocious), "Into the Black: A Mare's Tale", and "Dawn Shield".
5788644 Wow....the one thing I didn't look over and proofread. I have failed everyone! -commits seppuku- COUGH!......GASP! I missed my vital spots.....OH GOD!.....Fine I'll get on it........MEDIC!
5788650 All those birds around during a medical procedure is quite unsanitary. Where did you get your medical license?
5789384 I gave it to him, I'll give you one too. All it takes is three easy payments of 9 bits.
5789384
You know, he has no medical license after an incident involving this particular medic and a patient woken up with his skeleton missing;
Is this why I constantly taste bird after the procedure doctor? It's not even chicken flavor. It's more like....bird smell.
5788650
It needs second chapter! XD
5791192 Or a squeal?
5791402 Sequel I think you meant, but yes! Something more! XD
I don't often see a ScootalooxRainbow Blitz pairing. I like it.
5791402 In my personal opinion, it needs a non-rule 63 version, and a full rule 63 version.
Ahhh! things have finally calmed down for the hot little story I had right here. Let's see. The numbers look grand indeed! Alright. I'll be making a new story from this at a future date. Please look forward to it.
The pairing alone makes this likeable. Plus funtimes, and this is a favorite.