Hi! I've been part of the My Little Pony fandom for a long time. I've been a user on here since mid 2012.
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Sunset Shimmer finds it hard to leave her friends in Canterlot High to restart a life in Equestria. As she prepares for the new adventure she takes on, she realizes that if it weren't for Twilight Sparkle and the lessons she learned, Equestria and the human world would be in a state of unhappiness. Sunset becomes Twilight's new pupil in hopes of discovering her own destiny... no matter what she faces.
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I see potential in this. Keep it up!
You're a pretty good writer
I have to admit that EQG fanfics are probably my favorite, can't wait till Sunset and Celestia meet.
You're pretty good at writing Pinkie Pie. So far just the few things she said seem exactly like the script writers for the show.
5693579 Thanks!
5693582 Thank you very much! Sunset and Celestia will meet in the next chapter (though you probably guessed that
)
5693596 Thank you!
That was my intention, to make it seem like something that Megan McCarthy or another popular MLP writer would write, but not so close to something in EqG or MLP that is actually existant (yet?)
Hmm, I'm interested...
Please continue!
Stopped a couple a paragraphs in...
Had to saw AWESOME!!!! Yer writin' really shimmers. An' ah'm predictin' this story to blow mah ribbon off.
*gets comfortable*
Mm... *hums*
Second half felt rushed. But it's harmless.
*peaks at next chapter*
*squinty face*
It's alrighttttttttttt. Um. Ah'm sure yer writin' skills will only improve.
*waves* Bai-!!!
Ooh, Sunset's cutie mark story? I look forward to your interpretation of it.
5726062 Haha, it's gonna be really fun to write :D
OH!
I CAN'T WAIT!!!
KEEP UP THE AWESOME WORK!!!
5733740 Thanks!
I really appreciate the support on this story! I think this may be my highest rated story (likes ratio of 25 to 0)
Pretty good so far I hope this really happens in season 5 I hope Sunset Shimmer comes back to Equestria
For one, the "4 hours" thing. Write out the four. It's only three extra spaces and looks more professional. Also, you've got a bit of talking heads going on here and there, as well as having too many conjoined actions: the "they laugh" thing going on too often. It could be more descriptive, as well as events in the story standing to be more detailed at this point.
Whoa, the mind boggles.
OOOOH!!! LIKE THIS!!!
You're doing great, and I wait to see how it ends!!!
Wait..
That rhymed!!! lol!
Awesome. Can't wait for the next chapter
nah there is no way celestia is going to forgive her like that... she hates her guts the mare almost ruin the nigthmare moon comeback by going insane whit power and then stole one of the elements of harmony to make a revolution. shes not going to say "oh i forgive u sunset lets drink tea! " that dosnt make sence thus trowing me off the story. theres no enough drama going on.
5989563 Are you a troll? You can't possibly be serious XD
But if you are being serious, let me tell you-- How was Discord's reform taken by Celestia? She immediately forgave him, right? Now, how about Sunset Shimmer's backstory? Celestia, full of concern for Sunset, asked Twilight if Sunset was alright. And in the comics, even after Sunset betrayed her, Celestia ordered the guards to put the mirror in a safe place in case she ever wanted a safe return. That tells you that Celestia is ready to move on if Sunset proves she's not trying to steal another Element of Harmony.
And before you say that I can't do that, I'm the author of this fanfiction. I can do whatever I want ;D
This feels very rushed as stories go. You should try to slow the pace down a bit. For instance, Sunset could have had the bulk of that conversation somewhere other than immediately in front of the portal. Also, Celestia asked Twilight to ask Sunset Shimmer to visit her as soon as possible, she wasn't commanding Twilight to drag Sunset there immediately. That letter really could have a bit longer and less strange sounding. Sunset isn't 'looking for a home', she's returning to Equestria and apparently already has some kind of agreement with Twilight. Really, finding her a place to stay should probably be Twilight's responsibility.
I would expect Applejack (EQG) to say 'like us', not 'human-like'. It just doesn't sound like something they'd say as is. Further it's a bit tacky for each of three different characters to start a sentence with 'Make sure'. Why would Sunset teleport into Twilight's face basically and I would think magic would be a bit more work for her than she's used to.
Um, really? Why the giggling? Hugging doesn't exactly seem like a reasonable and sensible thing for ponies to do. After all, their four-legged creatures, not bipedal humanoids with hands.
---
In any case, so far so good.
As with the last chapter this one could use some work. The writing is okay, but could use work (phrasing, etc) and the story doesn't quite seem plausible. Royalty should generally be serious and there isn't a good reason for Celestia to blow that off and being snobby is simply taking advantages of all one's privileges, even when it would be impolite/rude/obnoxious/etc to do so. Not 'standing on ceremony' is really what Celestia is hoping for. The formalities are important, but unnecessary in the present context. Also, it seems out of character for Sunset to run up to Celestia like that without an invitation. They had a pretty substantial falling out, so a little more nervousness/anxiety seems appropriate. It seems rather presumptive and hasty for Celestia o have already had a stained glass window made.
I really don't think Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle are that similar. Yes, they have some common interests/feelings and the actions of Twilight (which Celestia pushed on her) made a difference in her own life, but their not the same pony. They have different personalities and , as far as canon goes, Twilight doesn't come across as having expected to be made a princess whereas Sunset Shimmer had that goal in mind most of the time. In other words, they had different expectations of what being Celestia's student meant. What Twilight is doing is also not really in Celestia's footsteps, since it's clear that Celestia meant more for Twilight than just having some friends and she presumably taught her more than some set of steps for making friends. It also seems rather unlikely that this 'new course of study' will lead to Sunset becoming a princess.
Again, still kind of rushed. It reads as a mad dash through the castle followed by the sudden surprise appearance of the mane six (of Equestria) capped off by a frantic race to a picnic. You could use to take a little more time and fill in some details rather than rushing from one event to the next.
6290428 I really appreciate your time to type out the responses, and I am sorry for not responding sooner (I was on a loooong long long hiatus
) I have gathered more writing knowledge ever since March (when this story was last updated) and I am now working on a new chapter, and this chapter will hopefully be better!
6001219
Admittedly the story does start out in a fairly shallow fashion. However loving Celestia might be, Sunset's actions in the past technically constitute treason. While Twilight and Celestia certainly could forgive her, Twilight actually has some experience to base such an action on. Celestia, on the other hand, has only her past experience and Twilight's word to rely on (and it's not clear that there was any direct communication between them). I don't know about Celestia "hating her guts", but Sunset has every reason to be under some considerable distress and uncertainty about going to see Celestia in person. A bit more drama would probably not be out place and might make more sense, at least initially. If Sunset were that nervous (as implied before leaving Canterlot High), she would probably be holding back on interacting directly with Celestia or trying to apologize. That is, she would be unlikely to just chat up Celestia like they were old friends. Reconciliation is generally not just a snap of the fingers kind of thing. It may be show like, but in a lot of cases the show script is utterly implausible and screams that there's like another hour or two worth details/content that ought to be there.
I would call Discord being so readily forgiven an aberration (the show is kinda so-so writing in some ways imho) and the best plausible explanation is that Discord's actions are significantly tamer than Celestia's experience. In other words, there is a huge difference in behavior and, at least initially, the mane six are quite capable (at least in theory) of just returning him to being a statue if he starts acting up.
6513958
It really has been quite a while hasn't it....(29 weeks = 7 months and change) -- Nice one on the username there, even if every fandom site probably ought to prevent anyone from having those sorts of usernames.