• Member Since 11th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2019

Twilicorn


I'm a lazy writer who loves what I do, but is too lazy to write half the time. If you have an idea for a story, shoot it at me though. I just might take it♥

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The idea is from TheVulpineHero1's "If Life Gives You Apples"-I suggest you read it!- and instead of 100 word shorts, it shall be 200 words. It won't follow the poetic-ness of "If Life Gives You Apples", though I hope it deserves a few thumbs!

Image from ~NewtieNewt on DA.

I love crit and help, so offer it away!

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 14 )

I like this idea a lot, the whole snippets of story is really cute and leaves for a lot of imagination! A big change of pace from full blown stories, but the way you pulled it off made me like it :pinkiehappy:

Great job!! Will be watching :twilightsmile:

So we're reading the outline of a story? Looks good, like to see it made into a full fanfic though. :pinkiesmile:

Aww...Y'know, I wrote you a big, long critique just now, but then I went to look at the story and used the wrong tab, and lost it. Now I can't be bothered to type out all of it again, so I'm just going to rattle off the major points.
:rainbowhuh: It's interesting to see a drouble collection in which all the droubles are connected chronologically. The norm is that all the chapters wouldn't link to each other, and would instead try and tell a story/event by themselves as a standalone piece of work.
:ajsleepy: Not sure how well that works, however; you don't have enough space to describe both events and feelings caused by them, so it feels a little jerky to go from sleepover to love confessions in 1,200 words. It's an inherent limit with the word, I'm afraid.
:twistnerd: Number one tip- learn which events you want to focus on, and which ones you can just infer. Writing a drabble or drouble relies, in part, on leading the reader to fill in the gaps. An example- you spend a sentence to tell us that the movie ends at 11pm as the clock bell rings. However, if the next thing they do after the movie is sleep, we can infer that it's late in the evening anyway, so we don't need to be told the exact time. Little stuff like that can really help you preserve words and pack a lot of meaning into a tight space.
:moustache: Here's an example piece I cooked up in fifteen minutes or so, which pars down the major events of your first three chapters into 100 words.

The Sleepover
'By the glow of her magic's light, Rarity watched Applejack as she slept, splay-legged, ridiculous, her hay-coloured mane spreading behind her like a fan. The unicorn looked back through the day; saw Applejack, glowing with vitality, streaked with mud, unrefined but vivacious; saw her freshly showered and pristine, standing at her door; saw candlelight dance in her eyes over dinner. She remembered the nervous embrace in the shadows of the movie theatre; felt it slacken into something softer, warmer.
She looked at her strange, beautiful, uncultured friend, and snorted. It was not until morning that she realised she loved her.'

Changed the movie to being in a cinema to avoid ripping you off completely, and used the title metafictionally to inform the readers of the situation being a sleepover, both of which are fair game. All it is is the major events, recounted at one sitting, and with a few emotive words thrown in. You can see how much shortening you can potentially do.
:twilightsmile: Other than the inherent limits of the form, your story is pretty good. You might want to change the part in chapter 2 where the words artfully and art appear in two consecutive sentences, but other than that you're fine. It's always hard to work with a new format and form, but keep at it- I'm sure you can do it! :rainbowdetermined2:

Eli

Great story, my absolutely favorite ship,just as the comment above I cannot wait for a full fanfic based on these outlines. Probably the only thing that didn't sit well with me was this: "letting her fall from her chair. She was a fillyfooler"  it feels odd and a little bit rushed, and from what I've gathered she's not into mares but one mare (Applejack). This kind of revelations should take time for a person (or a pony,lol) to digest and later come in terms with their sexuality . :rainbowkiss:

Can't wait for more.

Finally!
Some people are commenting
Awesome story so far man

This is probably the best feedback I've gotten on any of my stories. Based on Vulpine's advice, I think I'll do this-
Finish the story as is (besides the artfully and art xD)
Make the last four chapters a bit more emotional and realistic
Add a final chapter or two as this in a fleshed out story. Then it'll be much more emotion packed and time spaced.

Now, in response to each of Vulpine's points-
1. Thanks. I wanted it to be a story, not ten xD
2. I might put another chapter of just flashback emotions in. Maybe. Otherwise, I see what you mean. I wrote these all in about an hour and a half, so they're not edited or anything (besides getting them to the proper number of words)
3. The clock was a reference to a story I read a while ago xD It really holds no meaning, and I see what you mean. This is why I failed out story outlines in 6th grade :rainbowlaugh:
4. ...I feel quite unaccomplished now. You summed up 600 words into 100. 30 minutes cut in half. But I now strive to write more stories like this, so I can make them like that. Sum up everything and actually plot out stuff instead of writing as I go. I have reason now. You are my muse! *evilcackle*

And thanks to all your comments also guys! You don't know how happy I am to get this feedback. Honest.

Alright guys, to put it in a nutshell, the last two chapters suck :fluttershyouch: I'm sorry. But I'm hoping the fleshed out story will be more complete, and less... facehoof worthy. The filled version will have more of their adventure, so stay tuned! I'm hoping to start on it now or tomorrow, but either way, I need your guys' help D: Give me anything you can to make this better. Even if it involves insulting me. I can take it!

559843
Don't feel bad about the whole condensing your work down thing. Remember that I've had a lot of practice.
(That said, though, I did actually weaponise drabbles once. A long while ago, I got a review cussing me out and just generally smack talking me for no reason other than that I was writing for a different pairing than the guy liked; it was a signed review, so I ended up going back to his profile and reading the stories he'd posted. Picked one at random, which was about 1,400 words, condensed it into 100 [it was really quite a poorly written story] and posted that as a review. When I checked the reviews a week later, somebody had left one saying that mine was better. I giggled. I wouldn't do it today, but it was fun at the time. It's one of my two big literary tricks- where other people use puns and anagrams to demonstrate mastery of the written word, I either use drabbles or just talk in haiku. It is so much fun, you wouldn't believe...I'm still waiting to see a story where Zecora's long lost sister walks out of the jungle and speaks entirely in haiku. It'd be awesome.)

I'll take a peek at the next couple chapters once I'm done cleaning house on my notifications. Until then~

"Give me anything you can to make this better. Even if it involves insulting me. I can take it!" Welp, I'm taking that as a sign for general crit, so here goes.

First point: characterisation. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on the intricacies of AJ's character, and even less so about Rarity's, but they both feel a little woolly. So far as I've seen from both the show and different interpetations of her, Rarity has a very romantic idea of love, and that idea is very important to her. She's also meticulous and arguably a bit of a perfectionist. Given that, the far more likely scenario in this case is that, instead of rushing something that's so important to her, Rarity would take great pains to set up her confessions, dates, etc. in a way that's 'just so', as close to her perfect ideal as possible. For me, it just doesn't fit her character to go rushing in without some prep time. The same applies to the kiss- it seems very carnal and ill-thought out for a pony like Rarity, who seems to place more value on the esoteric trappings of romance. Maybe if AJ were the initiator, it would work, but I somehow don't see it when Rarity's the first to move.
As for AJ, her characterisation is a bit more solid, but a couple of moments still stick out, mainly in the last chapter. Unless I missed something (thoroughly possible, since I've only seen about half of season 2), AJ wouldn't be particularly thrilled at going to Manehattan- she's already been there, lived there, grew disillusioned with it and then went back to her family, in the moment that established her cutie mark. It seems to me as though there'd be a little emotional residue left from the whole thing. You could justify that she's happy to visit her family, but it probably bears mentioning that she's got a history with the place. Apart from that, AJ's last line seems a little bit flowery for her; potentially could work, given some sort of context behind it (AJ making an honest effort to treat Rarity according to the romantic mode of love), but without context it just seems a little OOC.

Umm...let's see. Other random stuff: in Now What?, you have a moment where you use the word friend/friends twice in consecutive sentences. Also, you had Rarity run all the way home and throw herself on the couch in Rushing Things (very melodramatic, which does fit Rarity's character), but in the next chapter she wonders why she isn't at her own house- did you mean to imply that Applejack, who you mentioned falling asleep on her own bed, got up early, dragged Rarity out of her house and then took her home to Apple household?

Good news is, all of these things are pretty obvious, which means they can be fixed relatively easily. It's far harder to rewrite more esoteric stuff like pacing and flow, which you can't measure objectively. If I come up with anything else, I'll let you know. :twilightsmile:

Thank you xD Yeah the last few chapters fell apart, but I'm proud of the story otherwise. About Rarity not sure about being in her own house, I meant bed. She fell asleep on her couch :rainbowlaugh:

Oh my Celestia, that was too cute! :rainbowkiss: You've got to update! As soon as possible! PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU ALL MY MUSTACHES!
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:
... Is that ok? PLEASE SAY IT IS :pinkiecrazy: I NEED MORE RARIJACK FEELS

So far so good!! This is my 2nd favorite (apart from TwiDash, clearly) couple!!! I am really liking this story, keep up the good work! :ajsmug: :heart: :raritywink:

Comment posted by happy user deleted May 11th, 2021
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