Oh-ho, now this is intriguing!  I can't wait to see some more of this fic.

Edit: Wow, I know this can be annoying, but would any new commenters believe this is my FIRST time ever making the very first post like this anywhere, even outside of FiMFiction?

...I, the court scenes made it feel more like a comedy.

I know about the court scenes, and I'll probably be rewriting them later on.

rushed, this is very rushed. regardless of that I look forward to more, the premise intrigues me.

It was so fast paced, so rushed - yet the idea is just too awesome....

I'll be keeping an eye on this, me thinkies

Good, but very rushed.

I can understand wanting to get to what you really want to tell though, so I will still keep an eye on this.

Way way WAY too rushed. But I'm loving the premise. I suggest slowing things down and let the characters behave more naturally.

Seems kind of rushed, honestly. Not sure what to expect from this.

Honestly, the chapter is under 1100 words.  I didn't even need to read it to know it was going to be rushed and under-written, but holy balls.  Your setup and backstory introduction is ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE WORDS.  That's it.  The synopsis tells us more than the opening of the story does.  There's lots of stories that are in bad need of an editor, but this one is more in need of a writer.  I know writers (I'm one) who put more words into their outlines than you put in an entire chapter.  If this wasn't a fanfic, there would be absolutely no way of knowing who anyone was, and that's a perilously flimsy crutch to lean on.

"[...]mind reading spells," explained Pinkheart, Stethoscope's marefriend.

This is almost verbatim from the "How you don't introduce a character" handbook.  Why is she there?  What does she do?  In short, who the bloody hell is she?  You don't just hand out lines to any actor who queues up to be in a movie, and doing it in a story isn't any less distracting.

I'm not kidding when I say you have one of the most interesting premises I've ever seen on this site, and that should speak volumes, but the execution is just lacking.  Nothing has any emotion or weight to it—everything just happens, like we're reading the Cliff Notes version of Romeo And Juliet.

Frankly, this chapter needs another 3-4000 words to make it work—at MINIMUM, and it really shouldn't be that hard to do.  The premise is so rich that you should be able to write for days just on how Twi ended up in this situation, never mind how she tries to get out of it.

Final verdict: 2/5 Pinkies

A bit rushed, but I'm intrigued.  Please, do continue.

Was this inspiered by any other fics

i dun get it, what happened

Needs a little more exposition and fleshing out but I like the idea you have.

>>13029721302972 agreed with all of this.

Court scene seemed rushed but otherwise an interesting start.

Rushed but interesting... I'd take another look at the chapter and flesh it out a bit, if I were you. Still gonna fav this though, because this has caught my attention.

Spend some time fleshing the story out. You do have a really good idea, don't ruin it by not giving it the attention and vision it deserves.

Seems good.  Like everypony else said, seems rushed, but it's good.

the premise is strong with this story.

Let us see how it plays out. *fave*

I'm looking forward to where this is going. Take a little more time to let the events play Out, though. Thumbs up for you, sir.

This is very fast paced. Also, I think the ultimate charge and their names should be changed.

"Miss Golden Spoon and Miss Platinum Tiara are both found guilty of bullying and harassment. Suggested penalty: Expulsion from Celestia's School for Gifted and Talented Unicorns, minimum two years community service, three months in the Filly Detention Center. I agree with this. Are there any objections?"

The word "bullying" should be taken out of the charge. Kind of makes it sound less serious.

The names kind of sound unoriginal. No offense.

>>13029721302972

Well, aren't you a prick.

Revolting. I simply can`t find another word for this.

Oh dear, bullying is so bad, let`s slip in coma. What, wringing some necks is suddenly not an option? For crying out loud, WHY would Twilight even care about those two? Nah, she`ll retort with smug superiority dictated by simple logic.

Quoth the bookish student - "...A wannabe princess? I think not. It`s a hard work, being princess. But oh, you two wouldn`t know anything about work, now would you? No, certainly not. It`s not like you ever did anything worthwhile. Or learned anything worthwhile, for that matter. And it puzzles me, you know. What will you ever do when your parents are not around anymore to throw money at your troubles? It`s not like you know how to earn any. Sure know how to spend, though, so... my prediction is that you`ll run dry after a few years of willy-nilly high-rolling life you two are so fond of. And what then? Selling your flanks on the streets? Well, if that`s the vision of future you two yearn for, don`t let me stop you. There`s a frat house just over yonder, why don`t you two mosey over there and get some early practice? As things are going right now, your flanks are the only worthwhile assets you possess - might want to consider practicing in their use early and often."

Mr. Author, let me start by saying this is an absolutely fantastic story idea. There's so much promise in it that I really want to read it. However, the short chapter length set me off. Rarely does that work out, especially for a story with as rich and deep a plotline as this one.

So I took a look at the comments to see what was up, to see if it was rushed or if you knew how to use shorter chapters properly. And after a look (especially at this guy's comment: >>13029721302972), it looks like you are guilty of the former.

So, Mr. Author, I would humbly request that you take a step back and evaluate your pacing. Did you leave important things out? Did you properly expand upon Twilight's situation? If it appears your pacing is off, I strongly advise a rewrite. And if you do end up rewriting, I would like to know. This is such a promising concept that if you do it right, I will be more than eager to jump right in.

Rushed like hell... mostly this happened and the that happened and then this and that... Just... Ugh And you were doing so well with the plot! But seriously, add some actual feelings to it. Throw in some time chillingly detailed paragraphs of how each pony reacted or... Something. This could have been better, much better, but it wasn't. It was just too quick. I love the mental idea, but hate the pacing, not to mention all the typos, grammar confusion, and flow of words. Never the less, I will track this and await further chapters in which I prey you stretch more fluently, rather than jumping all over the damn walls with it!

I kid you not, I had the same idea not too long ago. Looks like you beat me to the punch, though.

>>13026301302630 Agreed. Having the bullies stand trial mere moments after insulting Twilight? Yeah, I think I'll pass on this one.

I really want to be positive and think that your rushing is to be funny but the tags say otherwise. In otherwords, I am confuse.

>>13025741302574

Image: https://encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS39MpGPDFeEwnGZKCrO0Z349dNE_jOHHXCSNSmdNET21Xe7Fns

>>13038821303882

Boy, are you in the wrong place if you don't like even constructive criticism.

Everyone says it's rushed, so... yeah, it's probably rushed.

But I faved it.

>>13040041304004 I agree. Constructive criticism is well deserved on this rushed, grammar malfunction of a story.

Good, but very rushed. Bullying can be an extremely serious thing and I have a feeling that Twilight has a strong possibility of being a bullying victim in general. I think the premise could have been worked upon a bit though. It seemed random how she suddenly collapsed. It needed to be a bit more gradual, actually showing her mind slipping. It just seemed like she got a little upset and fainted.

Image: http://c1cleantechnicacom.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/files/2009/09/solar.jpg

My mind

The court scene was very out of place. Very much unlike Celestia, unrealistically harsh and swift. Trials do not have to be held within an hour of the crime...

Interesting storyline, poor first chapter.

Ahh, insane Twilight. Or sane Twilight in an insane world, or whatever variant thereof. In this case, it's just crazy Twilight, apparently. Still interesting enough to follow, but, poor Twilight.

Not the first time I've seen crazy Twilight...

Expand! You have a balloon of a story but it needs to be filled with the air of details.

The cake is solid and recipe well read but the icing need be applied in thicker coatings.

So yeah, more details and what not. Love the idea.

Honestly, it's not that rushed, is it? It's a little too fast during the trial, and perhaps it would have been a good idea to put Twilight's movements at the end of the chapter rather than at the beginning. (makes for a good cliffhanger and makes the beginning a little less of a weird sudden drop into the story). But otherwise, the pacing was quite fine. This has the clear layout of a prologue chapter and the story is marked 'incomplete', so why this be too fast for a chapter of that kind?

I think, like many have said, that the premise for this is absolutely brilliant. It's also very well written, I love how you changed the POV perfectly which normally is very had to do correctly.

You have left me so: And therefore I will watch this with curiosity

Can't wait to know what happens next!

>>13038821303882

Well, at least he's not you.

*not even gonna waste my time with giving this a review, as all that needs to be said has been said*

>>13041061304106 Acidic! How you doing buddy?!

>>13041131304113

...And this is a classic case of catching the wrong damn fish.

Mostly fine. Hoping to relax a bit by irritating people, and wasting 30 minutes online. Y tu?

>>13041401304140Haha, classic behavior as always. Nice seeing you again. Really though, I was just reading the comments as always, and I see yours! You know, we're like Vegita and Goku! You're Vegita and I'm Goku. You don't wish to be friends, but I persist that we are friends, while you deny it all the way! Stay in touch. I'm gonna go check out that Flash Fog story now. See yah!

Everypony in the courtroom turned tot hem

lolwut

Hmmm... as truly as intriguing as this story is at its current state, I wish you had filled it out a bit!  Flesh the story out, and the constant switching from Celestia's first person to third person can be confusing at times.  But regardless, I can tell effort has been put forth to make this good, so I shall keep tabs on this~

>>13040521304052

The three mares from the opening shot of the first Episode, most like. But that's a guess, as I have not, nor do I plan to read this. The basic premise just puts me off I'd call it GrimDark, but I'll actually read Grimdark stories. Just chalk it up to the subject matter in this case.

Continue, my good sir.

I find the idea interesting...continue

So, criminally charging bullies? Really? That's kinda stupid.

Hmmm, you have my attention, which is quite hard to get.

ANOTHA ONE O' THEM CRAZIES HAS SPAWNED!

>>13042551304255

Stupid? No.

About rutting time? HELLS YES!

>>13042851304285 Hey now, that's an insult to bullies everywhere!

Sorry to be critical, but I'll first say that I am absolutely in love with the concept and want to see more. But. the entire story seems unbelievably rushed. I hope you'll be able to find time to sit down with someone and try to possibly flesh it out a bit. Everything seems to just happen at once. Maybe some backstory on the bullying, some build-up/explanation, not just the summary of the story and one act of bullying. Maybe more about the press coverage over the event of the unicorn picked to be Celestia's student going into a coma. Perhaps more build up to her awakening from the coma. Something.

Hope my input is at least a little bit constructive/helpful. Like I said, I really really really like the idea.

*Sigh* After reading several posts, I give up. I'll track this for now. I'll read it after the author does a rewrite and expansion of chapter one, as the consensus is that it needs one.

I await the next chapter.

>>13042931304293

Considering that I was picked on, pushed around, and basically had my formative years turned into a living Hell? Yeah, I WISH I could have pressed criminal charges back then.

>>13043671304367 Speaking from the other side, even though most of you didn't deserve it, it was damn fun pretending to be Batman and hanging someone out a second story window. Come to think of it, I actually probably should've at least been suspended for that little stunt. Holy shit, the system's broken! Let's wear Guy Fawkes masks and burn the White House!

good idea, but like every one else said, very rushed. also personally i would just flat out delete the court scene

still has great potential , but needs serious work. good luck

Who is Pinkheart? Who are Golden Spoon and Platinum Tiera? What do they look like? You really need to slow down and take the time to discribe things. The taunt that pushed Twilight over the edge is weak, really weak. A taunt alone can't push ones mind over the edge. Something mind breaking needs to happen as well. I'm not going to like or rate this yet.

There is little I can say that has not been said already. But I'll just point out what bugged me in particular anyway

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

-Needs moar characterization. We don't read anything about who these ponies are, or why they are there. Is Twilight a victim of serial bullying, or just that thin-skinned? Who are these random ponies we meet in the hospital? It goes on. Pretend we know nothing of this world or its inhabitants.

-Needs moar details. Where are they, what are they doing. For most of the story your characters are pretty much just floating names in a sea of words, and things just keep happening without context or setting. Slow down for a moment and make sure we know where we are standing before you make us run.

-OOC moments for Celestia. Wowee wow. This is the Celestia that Twilight thinks is going to banish her and then imprison her where she was banished. Unless this is a Tyrantlestia story(it's seems more of a Momestia), Celestial rage is a thing to handle carefully. And even if she is going to go Mama Bear on a pones flank, at least make sure she determines her Baby Bear is safe first. This Celestia just abandons Twilight to go lock up her bullies. Now she could just say "Throw them in a dungeon!" to any nearby guard for later punishment in a fit of rage, but her primary concern would be making certain her student will be fine and not enact swift and long-term justice.

So yeah, you rushed this. The premise is a keeper, though. You need to seriously rework the story to make sure it measures up to the plot though.

read later....nuff said

>>13022231302223

Just be sure to add actual content to your post, because "FIRST"ing is a bannable offense.

>>13043861304386

I also may have neglected to mention the years of verbal abuse that, over the course of K-12, slowly eroded my once outgoing nature and self worth, and left me with an unhealthy disgust of humanity in general, and other people in particular.

...and my family wonders why I've latched onto this show as strongly as I have...

The premise seems nice. Congradulations on getting featured as well.

Anyways, I just have to second what's been said before. It feels rushed, the lack of backstory just hurts things, and details are badly needed. Also, the flip-flopping of perspective is intriguing but needs work.

So, keep at it!

Okay, this is really fucking weird.

If this had two more numbers on the end, it would be my security license number.

I would gladly help you rewrite this story, Golden. This has an amazing concept, one of the best I've seen in a while.

But, after reading it, and reading the comments, I can say that I agree- the story does look rushed, and is rushed.

Not to advertise, but it is difficult to make a story a bit over 1,000 words and still be decent. I have managed to pull it off before, with Crystal, my debut story, but that was really more of an emotive piece than a planned story. It is incredibly difficult.

And that's why I want to help. I love this story- it's idea, at least. And the title- it drags me in like a squid with extra-sticky suction cups.

EXCELLENT concept, I suggest you take your time with the next chapter, and really flesh out what is going on. This first part was a frenzy where we had ZERO time to scan what was going on. Slow down, breathe, explore. This is a psychodrama, let it breathe before you truck forward.

I've had some very very ugly experiences with bullying, let me tell you. Not personally (one of the perks of being the biggest around), but friends and family; I've known a girl who got beat up repeatedly by both girls and boys in groups (!), and that's just the tip of the iceberg. So, maybe I've become a little desensitised as a result, but...

Falling into a coma because of this?

""There goes, like, little miss wanna-be Princess!" teased one, giggling with her friend.

"Yeah, like, little miss wanna-be," snickered the bully's yes-pony. Finally, Twilight snapped."

That's it? Really? For this, they are expelled, get community service, and jail? Really?

It's not even about the "lying to the court" part. No, it's explicitly about the bullying. What the ever loving heck? Even Celestia feels a pang of regret. Newflash Celly: That's your conscience, telling you to shut up and listen to it for once! I have to ask: Did you try and find some way to get back at the canon characters you don't like?

I very much expect the other ponies involved in this incident will play no role in the story going forward. Even though their lives were ruined as well. They have every reason in the world to hate Twilight, Celestia, and every single member of this kangaroo court. Right now, with as little about the situation as we know, that's horrible, horrible injustice. And, for me at least, that's very distracting from the actual main part of the story.

>>13032791303279 Allow me to explain: This is an 'what if' kind of story. twilight has been bullied a LOT, in this story and in the actual show, and in this story all the negaive stuff all those bullies told her drove her to insanity. In other words: her imaginanal world is the show as we know it.

Did that explain something? I hope it did.

>>13046521304652 Shut up and enjoy the story. I mean, it's not called fiction for nothing!

>>13045131304513

<-  Victim of harassment, racism, random acts of assault over the course of ... three years?  Something.  Bad foster homes, uncaring caretakers and teachers, and a system that is designed to move children through it rather than care for them.

But seriously, bullying as a crime?  No.  Assault, sure.  Harassment, yes.  But these are already crimes.  Really, bullying is made of three things: the first two crimes and hateful gossip.  That's really it.  Trying to criminalize a social syndrome of a larger problem will not solve that problem and will only create new ones.  Find out the root source of the problem (kids in bad homes that lash out, parents that should never have bred caring for unwanted children) and solve those and the problem goes away.  When a kid bullies, there is something wrong in their life that needs addressing.  Whether that is lack of supervision or overbearing and abusive parents it doesn't matter.  Remove them from those they bully and then work at figuring out/fixing what's wrong in their life.  Suddenly, productive member of society.

EDIT: Whoops, forgot the story.  Yeah, felt rushed.  Needs more build-up to Twilight's mental break, needs more build-up to the trial (and some limits on Celestia's power) ... after that though, it was aight I guess.  The nurse OC, unless she's going to play a major role in getting Twilight back on her feet hooves or will help the doctor deal with the urgency of this case, doesn't need that 'marefriend' description.  Probably doesn't need a name unless it's spoken.  The rush at the end works because of the urgency but elsewhere it was ... rushed.  Also, needs more drama and all-consuming self-hatred on Twi's part, not just the bullying.  Remove her support network, isolate her.  Then heep on the social troubles.  It'll work.

Excellent concept, but way too rushed.

Oh, and congrats on making featured.

>>13047021304702

>>13047121304712

Great. So why didn't the story tell us that? Instead we have "Haha, you smell! /falls into coma /kids get sent to jail". Where in the story is Twilight "bullied a LOT"? This is even what's in the description:

"The filly was perfectly fine, until one last taunt pushed her over the edge"

There's 'one last taunt'. There's also 'the filly was perfectly fine', right before that. Where's all that bullying you claim?

I can't be the only one who thinks all of the above is seriously hampering suspension of disbelief. And that's important if you want your readers to enjoy your story.

Addendum:

>>13048281304828

>>13045131304513

I feel for you, I really do.

It's also an incredibly outlook you've got, Minalkra. But I think you're right. This girl I knew, who needed years to get over this crap? Her classmate's parents were IN on the bullying. They were encouraging it. Specifically targetting her, because "she thinks she's so much smarter than my kid!" (she got better grades). Things ony stopped when one singular teacher finally stepped up, and threatened everyone with expulsion who continued harrasing her, whether on school grounds or not.

THAT finally worked.

But those parents who were encouraging things promptly turned around and beat their own kids for making the school do this. It was disgusting.

MOAR

>>13048391304839 Okay, point for you. But not every story is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. And this probably also isn't your kind of story.

I want you to know I read all of these comments. And am totally not hyperventilating because Swiper posted here. Anyways.

It is rushed. Rereading it, I can see it plain as day. So I am rewriting this. In fact, by the time someone reads this, I'll be rewriting it. I'll leave this chapter up for now, but I swear by the end of the week this will be three thousand words at least, and I will flesh it out painfully. And a lot of questions are to be answered later on, but I like to see Platinum and Golden as older sisters.

>>13048791304879

Of course! My initial comment also was a little heated; I might have gotten too emotional, but please believe me, I wasn't actually trying to insult anyone. Not even with the question about wanting to hurt characters the author doesn't like, because I've seen a lot of authors simply admit to that quite freely and candidly before.

Interesting, but you've kind of spoiled it. There could've been a great deal more suspense if we saw the dream world breaking down around Twilight without yet knowing why. Still, it should be interesting to see where you go with this. Looking forward to more.

>>13049551304955 No problem. I just hate haters and i sometimes make conclusions without thinking.

I am not amused that I was considering taking one of my writings in this direction and now, not only is it done extremely well, but now it will simply feel like im copying.

>>13050601305060

Sorry about that. Honestly, I've had this idea for only about a week. It was when I was thinking about how each of her friends almost represents her. Laughter and joy, kindness and shyness, etc.

>>13050841305084Yup that figures. I had this idea weeks ago, but due to a malevolent being attacking my computer, my drafts of the story were deleted. Oh well, you did this better than I ever would. My complements on not pissing off eldrich abominations who have access to your computer. Oh and your writing too.

Why do I feel like this is going to be like the "Ash Ketchum Comatose Theory Creepy Pasta thingy"? Not that it's a bad thing though. Still, the way you set it up reminds me of it.

>>13050971305097

Thanks. Even as I rewrite this chapter, I've hit one thousand words explaining what I did in the first hundred. I need to slow down xD

>>13051061305106

This seemed to pass by way too fast.  So many scene changes in such a short time make it almost seem like comedy as said earlier.

Very rushed and a small number of typos near the beginning, but very very interesting. I will be watching.

>>13047591304759

Please don't make this a "My life sucks worse than yours" contest. I know I cam from a loving and supportive household. I over shared because KingTiger666 egged me on, and I was pointing out that the worst of what I got was not physical. That doesn't help the poor guy who ended his own life before Sixth Grade, though.

Edit: Having reread your post, can we rephrase my previous stance as criminalizing hateful gossip?

So, do you think one thousand, five hundred words is enough to sum up the beginning of Twilight's comeback to the real world?

the pacing was way to fast and the thing with the bullies driving her to insanity was more comidic than anything

>>13043861304386

...oh, and that reminds me... You got away with it because teachers rarely ever see who throws the first punch. X times out of N, it is the bully's victim that gets in trouble, and the bully him/herself gets off Scott Free.

i didn't like the court scene, felt very cut and dry. otherwise; great first chapter!

>>13049151304915

Woohoo!

This story has a metric fuckton of potential.  I'm glad you're taking criticism to heart.

Even as I rewrite this chapter, I've hit one thousand words explaining what I did in the first hundred. I need to slow down xD

This is a very very good sign.

Liked and fave'd for the idea, though the execution seems a tad... rushed. I'll trust that you'll take care of that as it goes on, however, as I'm sure others have mentioned it as well at this point. I'm VERY much looking forward to seeing where this goes!

>>13038821303882

Nope.

It's an interesting premise, but the pacing is VERY rushed, and the characterization is clumsy.

Gonna put it on my Read Later list and check back when it's got more chapters.