Coffee Pie

The morning air at the train station was what some would call crisp. Pinkie would call it “kinda cold but not really.” It was a typical autumn morning, just cold enough for a pony’s breath to condense into fog, but not yet uncomfortable. It felt like the perfect weather to ride a train, because it would be much warmer when everypony got off at Canterlot.

Pinkie didn’t have any business over there. Rainbow Dash had to deliver a speech at a Wonderbolts ceremony. Twilight had wanted to confer with Princess Luna for some time in person, and Rarity felt the need to catch up with her Canterlot friends, so the two of them decided to go to Canterlot as well. And with so many of her friends going to Canterlot, Pinkie decided to just tag along.

“So, Pinkie, why were you going to Canterlot again?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Because I’ve never really been to Canterlot,” Pinkie replied. “Yeah, I’ve been to places in Canterlot, but there’s a difference between going to the castle and going to Canterlot where you can just do whatever you want.”

“So you’re just gonna mess around and do random stuff?”

Pinkie giggled. “Of course! I do random stuff all the time, but I’ve never really done random stuff all through Canterlot. So I figure, hey, while you’re doing your stuff and Twilight and Rarity are doing theirs, I’ll get to know Canterlot and make some friends there.”

Rainbow Dash scratched her neck. “But aren’t you afraid you might get lost? I mean, Canterlot is way bigger than Ponyville.”

“Oh, Canterlot’s not that big. It’s not as big as Manehattan, and Manehattan didn’t scare me at all.”

Twilight Sparkle arrived, carrying a cup of coffee with her magic. It was a disposable cup, with a plastic lid to keep it warm. The thinnest wisp of steam came out of the hole in the lid, trailing behind Twilight as she walked.

“Morning, girls! I just checked on Rarity, and she’ll be ready in a bit. So don’t worry, I won’t have to delay the train this time.“

Everypony laughed. Twilight sipped her coffee.

Coffee.

Curiosity tickled Pinkie’s brain as the smell of the coffee tickled her nose. Nopony in Ponyville would ever let her come anywhere near a cup of coffee. She understood why, but it was really unfair that she’d never be able to at least know what it tasted like.

“Hey, Twilight, can I have a sip of your coffee?”

“Absolutely not,” said Twilight. “You know that we don’t want you to have any caffeine.”

“Not even one sip?”

“We can’t take that risk.”

“But it smells so gooood!”

“I’m sorry, Pinkie, but I’m not going to let you drink a drop of this. There’s no telling how you’d react.”

“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, “a plain old Pinkie Pie sugar rush is bad enough. We really don’t need to be juicing you up with coffee.”

Twilight cast a barrier spell around her coffee cup. “Hopefully this will contain the smell so it doesn’t tempt you.”

“Aw.” Pinkie frowned.

“And please don’t drink coffee in Canterlot. If you do, and something happens…” Twilight looked at Pinkie’s frown, then sighed. “Let’s not talk about that now. You aren’t going to, right?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Uh-uh. It might send me to super double mega levels of excitedness, and that’s what you’re worried about, right?”

“Exactly.” Twilight released her coffee from the barrier. “But I’d like to be alert for the train ride so I can catch up on my metaphysics. Now, where is Rarity?”

“I’m right here, everypony! Right on time, am I not?” Rarity arrived, wearing a simple dress of monochrome blue. “Do you like it? Minimalism is the latest style these days, and this is sure to impress, no?”

“Minimalism?” asked Twilight. “Wouldn’t it be better to not wear a dress at all if you wanted to be minimalist?”

Rarity gasped. “And show up the Canterlot elite with such a daring move? Never! I wish to be stylish, not ostentatious.”

“All aboard!” called the conductor. The four ponies boarded the Friendship Express, and the train set off.

The Friendship Express bumped and jostled as its wheels rolled forward. The ride was just like any other. Twilight had finished her coffee, disposing of it carefully, and was now diving eyes-first into the minutiae of magic monism. Rarity was yawning, struggling not to fall asleep. Rainbow Dash was in another car, performing a last-minute rehearsal of her speech.

Pinkie had taken this trip a few times before, and she knew that the breakfast cart would be coming by soon. She’d brought quite a few bits with her onto the train, and she was planning to splurge on a few pastries. They weren’t quite as good as the ones Sugarcube Corner made, but maybe she could steal--er, borrow--an idea or two.

Rainbow Dash barged in. “Girls, you’ve gotta see this!”

“What is it?” asked Twilight..

“The way this mist is catching the sunlight--it’s so awesome! I can’t explain it, you just have to come. You too, Rarity and Pinkie.”

“I’d love to,” said Pinkie, “but I’m really hungry and I don’t want to miss the breakfast cart.”

“Aw, c’mon! Oh, whatever. C’mon you two, before you miss it.”

Rainbow hurried back to the next car over, and Rarity and Twilight followed. Pinkie stayed behind, waiting.

Soon enough, just like it always had, the breakfast cart arrived.

“Hello there, Pinkie!” The vendor greeted Pinkie with a smile. “What’ll it be today? She leaned closer to Pinkie and whispered. “Now, I haven’t had any myself, but I hear that the raspberry tarts are a-ma-zing.”

“Ooh, that sounds pretty good! And I’ll have a donut like usual. And, um…”

Pinkie looked at the selection on offer. Donuts, muffins, bagels, that one really nasty vacuum-packed hay bacon thing--all of them were familiar, and none of them stood out. But one particular item caught her eye, and Pinkie grinned.

“Wait, you sell coffee?”

Three ponies crossed from one train car into another, talking about the weather.

“My, my, Rainbow Dash, that was a breathtaking view,” said Rarity, smiling. “I never knew you had such a honed aesthetic taste.”

“Psh, of course I do. How else could my flying be that awesome?”

“Well, those are two different kinds of beauty,” said Twilight. “Oh, looks like Pinkie has--”

“Has what, darling?” asked Rarity.

The three looked over at Pinkie. The pink pony was cradling a cup of coffee in her hooves, a toothy grin on her face.

“Hi!” she chirped.

“Pinkie! What on earth--” Rarity was cut off by Twilight.

“Put the coffee down before anypony gets hurt.”

Pinkie shrugged, then chugged the entire cup in one gulp. She cringed. “Huh, so that’s what it tastes like. It’s not as good as it smells.“

Everypony froze. The train car was silent. Pinkie didn’t budge from her seat. Instead, she slowly turned to face her friends. Minutes passed, and nothing happened.

“So...is it safe?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Twilight stared straight at Pinkie. “It takes a little while for a pony’s body to absorb caffeine. So I wouldn’t expect the effects to kick in just yet.”

Just as Twilight predicted, Pinkie Pie wasn’t currently any more energetic than usual. In fact, she was still. Very still.

“What’s going on?” Rarity whispered.

“I...I don’t know.” Twilight kept her eyes trained on Pinkie.

The corners of Pinkie’s mouth crept up, advancing into a smile, which became a stiff, twitchy rictus. She stared right back at Twilight. The alicorn flinched.

Pinkie then glanced into Rarity’s eyes. Rarity promptly swooned.

Pinkie then turned to Rainbow Dash.

“Pinkie, what are you doing?”

Pinkie kept smiling. A faint titter escaped her mouth as she got out of her seat. She walked towards Dash. stepping slowly and deliberately. Rainbow Dash gulped. Pinkie drew closer, leaning right into Dash’s face. Dash yelped.

Pinkie Pie looked Rainbow Dash straight in the eye and stage whispered.

“It’s decaf!”

Pinkie fell over in a fit of giggles. “Hee hee, you should have seen the look on your face, Dashie. You too, Twi! And Rarity, you were only pretending to faint. Isn’t that right?”

“Well, yes, Pinkie,” Rarity replied. “It seemed to have worked at diverting your attention. But, more importantly, that joke wasn’t very funny.”

“Are you kidding, Rares?” Dash laughed. “That was amazing!”

“That was a pretty clever prank you pulled.” Twilight smiled. “I’m impressed!”

Pinkie leapt up off the floor. “I know! I knew you were all super scared of me having coffee for some reason, so when I saw the breakfast cart sold decaf coffee, I just had to get some! And I figured, hey, if it’s decaf, I can pull an amazing prank! Plus, now I know I don’t really like coffee, so you don’t have to worry about that ever again! Isn’t that great?”

Rarity smiled, if only a little. “I do have to admit that was well-played.”

Everypony laughed as the Friendship Express kept its course to Canterlot.

Author's Note:

Blame Deverer.

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Comments ( 26 )

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Majin Syeekoh

Moderator

Majin Syeekoh #1 · Feb 16th, 2015 · 2 · ·

That was amazing.

Waterpear

Waterpear #2 · Feb 16th, 2015 · · ·

5632529

Thanks!

Pankrazius

Pankrazius #3 · Feb 16th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Nice prank indeed.

PegaSeraph

PegaSeraph #4 · Feb 17th, 2015 · 3 · ·

But decaf also contians a little caffeine?...
Still have a like

Rainedash

Rainedash #5 · Feb 17th, 2015 · 13 · ·

derpicdn.net/img/2014/4/20/605165/large.jpeg

IceQB

IceQB #6 · Feb 17th, 2015 · · ·

Well played.

Hurgusburgus

Hurgusburgus #7 · Feb 17th, 2015 · 4 · ·

derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/8/30/414582__safe_solo_pinkie+pie_animated_comic_upvotes+galore_coffee_vibrating_xk-dash-class+end-dash-of-dash-the-dash-world+scenario_artist-colon-whatsapokemon.gif

SeventhBrony

SeventhBrony #8 · Feb 17th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Borderline horror story saved at the last minute

1234

1234 #9 · Feb 18th, 2015 · · ·

There needs to be more stories like this.

Good job, Waterpear.

Replicant

Replicant #10 · Feb 18th, 2015 · 1 · ·

This is excellent. I could effortlessly hear each thing the characters said in their own voices! And there's nothing extraneous at all; it reads so smoothly.

Derpator

Derpator #11 · Feb 18th, 2015 · 4 · ·

Pfft, like Twilight is one to talk.

33.media.tumblr.com/d8efa8e598ddcfb250a814c2186c25d3/tumblr_mgjomqNZ891qzkiifo1_r1_500.gif

StarChaser01

StarChaser01 #12 · Feb 18th, 2015 · · ·

Damn it! I was hoping that she would have actually had regular coffee!

Christs Disciple

Christs Disciple #13 · Feb 18th, 2015 · 2 · ·

I wanted to see what would happen when she drinks regular coffee. Besides, regular is better than decaf.

Waterpear

Waterpear #14 · Feb 19th, 2015 · 1 · ·

5641584
5641945

"Coffee has strange effects on Pinkie Pie" is a pretty obvious/common bit of fanon. That's fine, and it's common for a good reason, but I think it's also fun to mess around with common fanon like this.

Which gives me an idea...

5640312

Thanks! I was afraid that this story was too minimalist, but judging from the reception it's gotten, that isn't the case at all.

Replicant

Replicant #15 · Feb 19th, 2015 · · ·

5642393 Well, one of the big rules in good writing is to say a lot with as little as possible, so. Y'done good.

Jack Kellar

Jack Kellar #16 · Feb 19th, 2015 · 2 · ·

I don't get decaf. The good part of coffee is exactly the caffeine, there's no point on drinking the black and bitter if you don't get a rush from it.

Also this:

“Morning, girls! I just checked on Rarity, and she’ll be ready in a bit. So don’t worry, I won’t have to delay the train this time.“

Delay a whole train which several other ponies depend on to get to their destinations or receive/send goods on time, for just one frilly diva without a sense of punctuality. Frivolous use of royal influence much?

superfun

superfun #17 · Feb 19th, 2015 · · ·

5644359 I don't drink coffee myself, but I think the reasoning is that sometimes people want to have the taste of coffee, but don't want to risk being too hyper or staying up too late.

LayTheBlackToRest