• Member Since 26th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 22nd, 2023

Waterpear


Sky, earth, and in between / Come watch with me as our world burns

E
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Pinkie Pie wakes up to find that she has become an alicorn. Using her newfound power, she, of course, throws a party.

Approved by Twilight's Library!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 16 )

Hmmm it send incomplete


MORE

3386151

I don't plan to write a sequel for this. Sorry.

Ha ha! That was humorous.

Ha! Very good! Though I don't know whether it was just me or the writing, but the time jumps in the story seemed kind of sudden. (e.g. the jump from Pinkie's musing to Fluttershy at the party). It would help if they were marked with returns and a little symbol: e.g.

* * *

It had been a long night and a great party, and a certain blonde pegasus was finally returning to her cosy home in Cloudsdale. Lazily she wandered over to the kitchen for one of her favourite baked delicacies and some milk before finally tucking herself into her bed of clouds.
Before drifting off, she was jerked alert by a tingling sensation. Sitting up, she sneezed, sharply releasing a single piece of confetti.
:derpyderp1:

(That was not relevant, I just really wanted to.)

3386685

I used the horizontal rule tag for section breaks. Is that too subtle?

And thanks for the little fanfic-of-a-fanfic!

3386408

Glad you enjoyed it.

:pinkiegasp: : ALICORN PPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me : Whers your party cannon ??????????
:pinkiehappy: : don't need one . I have magic
my-little-alicorn.deviantart.com/art/Alicorn-Princess-Pinkamena-294268462
the world is ending
images.wikia.com/cardfight/images/8/83/Earth_Exploding.jpg

Comment posted by Hoovester deleted Oct 23rd, 2013

3387113

Ok, that alicorn is way too thin and angular to be Pinkie Pie. At least, not how I imagine Pinkiecorn.

3389948

Glad you liked it!

This is Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, reviewing for the WRITE group. I was offered this story and I accepted and that’s why I’m here. Hello. Enough with the introductions; moving on.

This is a decent one-shot, a weird yet interesting story and a more than adequate execution for the most part. The fic itself is quite alluring, and the idea of having Pinkie Pie as an alicorn… I’m sure it’s been tried before, but I like what you did here. The reason why Pinkie wakes up transformed is never mentioned, but considering the style of the story and concept you’re working on, I guess I’ll give it a pass. By the looks of the story, she remains as an alicorn at the end. Plot-wise, the story’s worth reading.

The narration comes as a bit too informal for my usual taste, but it certainly fits with the style of the story, so I’m not going to complain about it. I’m still having trouble with the idea of using ellipses during narration, however. Ellipses indicate the speaker’s trailing off, as if they momentarily forgot what they were talking about. Which is the reason why it’s not used in omniscient third person narration (the one you’re using right now). However, it would be acceptable if the narration was in first person, as we have an actual “person” telling us what happens.

There’s certainly room for improvement, though. One of the things that actually called my attention was the common use of “--”. I can tell you that ALT+0151 in the numpad is the command that makes the emdash (this — thingie). I’m sure there are different methods of typing that character, but that’s the one I use.

"Spike--" Twilight began, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. "--could you get that?"

In this case, yes, the — should replace the “--“, but the second “—“ isn’t necessary. You can simply have “Could you get that?” Emdashes represent sudden halting of the conversation (like here, where Pinkie’s door-knocking interrupts Twilight’s line). Ellipses, however, are used when a character is trailing off (as in, you’re talking, but you get distracted or just don’t remember a word or expression you need at the moment). An ellipsis, thus, might work for the second use of “--” you have there.

An, uh--a unicorn with wings!

In this case, an ellipsis works better because of what I mentioned before: Pinkie’s trying to think of the correct word, but doesn’t come to mind.

I don't have time for--whatever it is you're trying to pull."

Same thing here.

"T-T-T-Twilight! Pinkie is.."

Missing a period to get the ellipsis. Also, that’s a bit too much stuttering. More than two stutters is considered masturbation. No, wait… ah, nevermind, you catch my drift.

One of the things about the story that might startle me(and slightly annoy) is that Celestia doesn’t believe Twilight, her faithful student and now princess of… something in progress, I guess. Twilight is not a prankster, and Celestia thinking of her as such is quite unfitting for her character. Yes, you want to try and avoid having Celestia’s powers out of the question, but considering how little Twilight actually asks Celestia for advice (I can only remember how much she forgot about warning Celestia about the upcoming apocalypse in “About Time” and… well, the only times Celestia and Twilight actually are in the same room is when Celestia summons her for whatever reason. And yes, it’s all for the punchline at the end, but still… eesh.

You use acronyms about books they’re reading but, to be fair, I don’t think any reader can remember what the acronym stands for due to the name of the books being mentioned only once in the story.

You see, produce-confetti was originally a modified produce-garbage spell."

… Okay, I really need you as the author to tell me, from a logical point of view, how in the Nine Realms the original spell was a good idea to anyone. Sure, if it were a “summon unused condom“ spell, I’m sure it would be the spell every single unicorn would learn before finishing their senior high school year, but… produce garbage? Unless a unicorn held a super grudge against Equestria’s sanitary serviceponies, the very idea of imagining one saying “Hmmm this world needs a spell to create filth and litter out of thin air!” is laughable at best. While you’re reading the story, you don’t notice this event (or you even overlook it), but once you reread it, a wave of what-the-fuck slaps you in the face.

(Though nopony noticed, Spike had sneezed, catching a pile of confetti in his flame.)

Ninja narration! No, seriously, this is still narration; you don’t need the brackets.

"But that's a simple matter of spellcraft. More importantly, it'll banish the enchanted object from Ponyville.

This is extremely weird. I mean, just think about it. First we have the skill to basically alter a spell so it can become another kind of spell. Basically you’re telling me that I can alter a spell so I can summon self-duplicating Twinkies so I can have Twinkies forever? That’s the most amazing thing ever! But then I have also a spell that makes those Twinkies disappear. Not only that, but I won’t be able to eat a Twinkie in my town for the rest of my life? That’s cruel! Anyways, I’m sure Pinkie should be able to make parties in a different city. Because, for some reason, the spell only affects Ponyville. The reason is never explained, but we have to assume it’s the way it is.

Overall, I must say I like the story, though part of the plot, while decent, goes a bit crazy at the end. When trying to make up some magibabble (the magic equivalent of technobabble) logic takes a short break and calls it a day while saying “Do you even KNOW Pinkie Pie? Be glad I didn’t make her summon a chocolate and gingerbread replica of Ponyville and eat it whole!”


I wish you luck with the story, and keep writing.

Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, WRITE’s Manly Reviewers of Manly Fics

3766108

Excellent. Thank you for the review. The punctuation stuff should be easy to fix, and that seems to be a good chunk of your critique.

… Okay, I really need you as the author to tell me, from a logical point of view, how in the Nine Realms the original spell was a good idea to anyone.

I dunno, for pranks I guess. Dumping heaps of paper into someones closet for laughs is as good a prank as any. I suppose that produce-litter would be a better name for what I was thinking of, though. A pile of confetti on the street would, after all, be litter, not garbage like banana peels and apple cores.

but once you reread it, a wave of what-the-fuck slaps you in the face.

This phrase is amazing and you should feel amazing for writing it.

uis

Partycorn? Interesting...

uis

Pinkie had gotten pretty good at a dozen spells or so, and it only took a day of practice. Her favorite was produce-confetti, because it made temporary confetti. Imagine! Confetti you didn't have to clean up! Pinkie had always hated the cleanup. That was the only thing that had stopped her from spraying tons of confetti for literally no reason.

It didn't stop EqG Pinkie Pie from doing so

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