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Everypony is scared of something. But what's little Woona scared of?
Being the big sister, Tia is automatically in charge when Luna becomes plagued with nightmares. And a big sister has to do what a big sister has to do, especially when it comes to putting Luna to bed.
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says complete, that's an error right? Oh and rum is better!!!!
5689410 It's almost complete, I'm not gonna have time to finish editing the second part today but its essentially one short story in two parts
This looks good. Watching for the next part.
Missed capitalization.
Misery parody, hilarious.
Extra space.
Extra space.
The dramatic irony in this story is palpable.
Because the author wrote himself into a corner then decided to start hanging lampshades all over the place.
Extra space.
I am a little confused. Was there a set amount of time, or was it like a curfew? Like could she only spend three hours and forty-five minutes in there or risk being stuck in her brain? Or, could she spend as much time as she wanted in there, like go in at two in the afternoon, but have to be out by midnight because that was when brains closed up?
The Author's Note is blank.
This was cute and I look forward to the conclusion.
~KBO.
Extra space.
That was an interesting and heartwarming ending. Kind of bittersweet as well. The only bad thing was that it was over too soon.
~KBO.
5800063 I've both read the book and seen the movie multiple times, though I opted for the sledgehammer because the axe seemed like a bit much for a pony version. The sledge I suppose was the lesser of two evils.
As I recall she only took off his foot to feed it to him in a cake
Felt rush but cute short story.
So I take it you're a Stephen King fan too, ei? The misery reference is quite nice (and rather dark at how far you went lol) and the Celesti and Luna interactions as fillies was just adowable
There is just something about their sisterly caring that I adore and this sets it up really nicely. What happens next?
Ouch! Right in the heart! This was extremely interesting and the exploration of Luna's deepest fears was nicely done. Listening to a 'Lullaby for a princess' while reading this is like a double whammy right at the core of my soul. Seriously the things that happened here paired up witht he events that later on happen are just powerful...
Well played my friend. Well played
I didn't understand the beginning at all but I loved the rest of the story
Awww.
There's a disconnect between the description, the first chapter, and the second chapter. Or, rather, that the description and the first chapter set up an expectation that isn't met in the second chapter. Luna is supposed to be plagued with 'unspeakable nightmares' and it's coming right off of watching a scary movie. But her fear is simply that she won't be able to see her sister and have too much responsibility for her age? What's the connection here? The setup fell flat because of that.
I was expecting Luna to spend a week or so having nightmares about someone coming to kill her, and Celestia trying to figure out why her sister was acting that way. A story doesn't have to be long to be emotional, but I just could't get into this one because the conflict was over in a flash. There was no real time to get emotionally invested.
Grammar and spelling wise this was solid. A few little errors here and there, but the plot wasn't very fulfilling.
I was in a bit of a rush when I left my first comment. Now that I have some more time I want to add to my initial impression.
Luna being scared of losing her sister makes sense as a little kid fear. I'm not knocking that, but the description and the first chapter just don't fit that being the case. "Unspeakable nightmares" doesn't really come to mind when just seeing their mother telling her she can't see her sister anymore. Now, to a child I suppose that would be something unspeakable, but the "S" at the end of nightmares implies this was something that's been ongoing.
And that's mainly where the story falls flat. You set up one plot, with Luna watching a scary movie, Celestia thinking that dark forces are keeping her from waking up from her nightmare. It all looks like it's going to be a horror show. But when we get down to it it's something completely mundane.
In my opinion, what could have made this story better would be to just switch things around a little. The nightmare we see from Luna should have come at the start. It clues us in on her mental state before Celestia finds out. She watches a scary movie, where someone's wings are hit with a sledgehammer, and this time when Luna is dreaming the movie is still on her mind, and their mother is attacking Celestia in much the same way as the griffon in the movie. Seeing their own mother brutally attacking her sister would definitely qualify as an unspeakable nightmare for any child.
It would fix the main issues with the story, namely plot inconsistency and instant conflict resolution.
To elaborate on the second part, Celestia sees her sister is afraid of losing her, then she immediately leaves the dreamscape and tells Luna she won't ever leave her. The climax and resolution are done in like three paragraphs. A good short story needs sufficient build-up to make you care about the characters. Here, I blinked and it was over.
I think you have the potential to do better. You have a good grasp of the basics of good storytelling. Good luck in your future writing endeavors.
You can has review!