- Member Since 7th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen 15 hours ago
TheWraithWriter
Commissions are open, feel free to DM. Also maybe donate to my Ko-Fi https://ko-fi.com/thewraithwriter
TheWraithWriter
Joined 7th Mar, 2013 ·
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Well, that certainly wasn't what I expected. Redbook never said we couldn't have Gleaming turn into Shining, did he?
Now.. Continue this!
5412594 I shall!
5412960 Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!
"Trigger Words"
Dude, we're not on tumblr.
5412638 Rarely do we readers get such a response. So don't lead us on.
5414669 Already plotting a dragon encounter for the sequel.
Odd that Gleaming isn't pissed over Eris raping h(im)er.
5414764 Nymphomaniac.
5414775 Gleaming?
5412202 Completely forgot to post 'this day we fight'.
pbs.twimg.com/media/BmZitnpCUAAbMIu.jpg:medium
5414779 Yes. She decided to finish masturbating while there was someone at her door.
Now she fights dragons.
5414787 I don't think that's what Nymphomaniac means...
Oh, we're both using art by divided-s for the cover art too?
5414830 It appears so. That's funny.
5414860 I am aware.
derpicdn.net/img/2014/11/13/763564/large.png
5414791 Nope, sorry. Dragons are now a part of the definition of nymphomaniac.
5414865 Shouldn't that be Reptymphomaniac?
derpicdn.net/img/2014/10/9/739344/large.png
5414860 Mine was inspired by the pic I used, was yours?
5414873 I'd fuck it.
5414881 It was not. I was simply browsing around for a fitting enough story image and this one fit the bill.
5414941 derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/7/17/677071__safe_solo_oc_monochrome_oc+only_floppy+ears_original+species_artist-colon-jessy_plane+ponies_a-dash-10+thunderbolt+ii.png
5415736 Indeed.
5415974 Then write it :3
Well then. Genderbending, implied CelestCord, and magic-type stuff. I approve. Continue on this, please.
Whelp, I'll be needin Noah tails ah gleaming armour an hea penis ah Powah nahow.
Thoroughly enjoyed. Tell me, are you planning on continuing this story line? It would be quite interesting, to say the least.
I loved this story it was a awesome read I hope there will be a sequel. I can't wait to see what happens next like she makes a herd.that would be awesome
Greetings, TheWraithWriter. I am here by thy request to review thy story, “Gleaming Armour”. Of the three stories thou hast presented for review, I chose this one on account of my lack of experience in "erotic fiction". Do note that, as thou hast submitted thine own work to me, I hold it to a higher standard than if it had otherwise come to mine attention.
Without further ado, let us begin with thine opening line:
I find this to be a bit sudden of an opening. Nay, ‘tis not that I oppose active openers—in fact, I adore them. However, there needeth be at least some distinction between this line and all the others in the story. Mayhaps use just a bit more narrative around the dialogue to hint to the reader that she is in fact right at the start.
I further note that the language in this first scene cometh across as a bit too telly. Again, I wish not to give thee the idea that I object to revealing a character's thought process, but there existeth a fine line between “just enough” and “too much”.
Take heart, author, for I look forward to the rest of this review. Thy prose is clean and floweth well, something that maketh my job all the easier.
In this opening scene, a messenger delivereth a scroll to Celestia informing her that Eris hath gone all the way out to... well, out to somewhere. However, since Celestia herself cannot attend to the matter, she sendeth for Knight Armour. Very well, I can accept this.
The scene shifteth to the very same Knight Gleaming Armour (thy gender-bent Shining Armour), who layeth in bed with a dirty novel in her one hand (what occupieth the other hand I need not explain) and carnal thoughts on her mind. I will admit that I find thy prose a little too purple for my tastes, but one line in particular sticketh out like a sore thumb:
By Celestia’s curly black back-hair, that line maketh me cringe.
Anyway, as Gleaming Armour approacheth climax, a knock ringeth loudly from outside her room and the messenger from scene one summoneth her through the door. Gleaming is appropriately mortified at the situation she is caught in and attempteth to compose herself. However, the part I find odd is when she decideth on a whim to conclude the dalliance with her fingers. Perhaps ‘tis just mine own perspective, but if somepony were to knock on my door at such a time, I would choose one of three options:
1. Pretend to be either absent or otherwise unaware of their absence
2. Attempt to make them leave
3. Simply attend to their reason for interrupting
Note that nowhere in that list wilt thou see any form of “finish up first”.
Regardless, she dresseth herself and finally openeth the door, then accompanieth the messenger to answer dear Celestia’s summons.
Gleaming Armour, thou art off to hold audience with thy princess. Methinks thou hast the two minutes necessary to make thyself presentable for such a thing. Run thyself down with water, apply a bit of perfume—at the very least, wipe thy loins clean.
Thou hast only thyself to blame for this.
Anyway, author, thou proceedest to provide adequate, if a bit purple, descriptions of my sister and the throne-room in which she resideth. Celestia explaineth that Eris, the female equivalent of Discord, hath escaped from the castle, despite only being a guest in the first place, and hath absconded to the Everfree Forest for reasons unknown. Gleaming’s quest is to retrieve Eris as quickly and discretely as possible. I would also like to point out this line:
Which hand doth Celestia take, author? Which hand?! I pray for Celestia’s sake ‘twas the left one. Unless Gleaming is left-handed, in which case—nay, I must remain optimistic.
Celestia then discovereth what Gleaming had been doing prior to being summoned, and I find her response a bit too forgiving.
Acceptance of something meaneth not approval of it in all situations. Methinks Celestia would caution Gleaming to be more careful when meeting with other ponies, especially her sovereign ruler. I would have likely let her off the hook with a mild shouting.
The scene changeth to the Everfree Forest, where Gleaming choppeth through the undergrowth. However, she falleth prey to a vine-trap which leaveth her hanging in mid-air. Eris, who thou describest visually almost as another Discord, appeareth and exhibiteth displeasure at having caught a mare, rather than an attractive stallion. This ringeth a bit strangely in mine ears, but mayhaps ‘tis nothing.
Gleaming putteth up a token fight, but ‘tis to no avail against Eris’s chaotic abilities. She is disarmed, disrobed, and at last thrown to the ground, kissed, and groped. Methinks she complieth too fully with Eris’s advances, considering how they have just met each other and thou hast shown very little in the way of chemistry between them. ‘Tis as though the prospect of sex robbeth her of all reason, but thou hast not portrayed her as someone with such tendencies.
So Eris abruptly moveth away, and Gleaming noticeth that something about her hath changed. She hath grown a penis and lost her breasts. Author, I must applaud thee for this—a reversal-Rule 63 amuseth me greatly. As is only reasonable in this situation, Gleaming demandeth that Eris changeth her (him?) back, but Eris refuseth. What followeth is a short chase-scene that endeth (predictably) with Gleaming and Eris “doing the do”.
If ‘twas thy desire to portray their sex as dirty and animalistic, then thou hast succeeded. Some of thine analogies and language roll a bit awkwardly off the tongue, but in general, ‘twas serviceable writing. I will note that thou continuest to use the words “she” and “her” in reference to Gleaming, despite the gender change. ‘Tis mine opinion that changing those to masculine pronouns would improve the flow of this scene, as ‘twould be far easier to differentiate between Eris and Gleaming.
Anyway, Eris maketh to change Gleaming back to normal, but something goeth awry, leaving the poor mare with a mostly female body, save for a penis. I find myself highly suspicious.
‘Twould not surprise me to learn that Eris was making this up.
After they journey back to Canterlot, they report to Celestia everything that happened. Everything. She sendeth Eris away in order to have a private conversation with Gleaming. What resulteth seemeth a bit odd.
Apparently, Eris was not pretending to have lost her magic. Celestia affirmeth this and presenteth Gleaming with a book which detaileth some prophecy of a legendary warrior—a prophecy that Gleaming had fulfilled unknowingly when she penetrated Eris, thus stealing her magic. I wonder if the prophecy ever made mention of the penis-bearing warrior mare. Methinks the answer is no.
So Celestia awardeth Gleaming for being an irresponsible guard by promoting her to captain, with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities involved therein, and yadda yadda yadda. I know not why thou hast seen fit to delve into this little plot development. The thrust of the story, if thou wilt excuse the innuendo, hath been thus far focused on sexual acceptance and gratification, with a smidgeon of motherly concern tossed in for good measure. The fic endeth on an odd note, which indicateth that the story shall continue. However, the world feeleth not strong enough, nor the characterizations impactful enough, to merit a proper sequel, unless thou planst a series of sexcapades thinly disguised as more serious fiction.
After finishing the story, I find myself slightly conflicted. I genuinely enjoyed it for what it was—an excuse to write zany sex in bizarre situations—but disliked the clumsy attempts to shoehorn in a plot-thread that belongeth in a more serious setting. In my humble opinion, ‘twould be a far better conclusion to reveal that Eris had, in fact, lied about losing her magic, and just left poor Gleaming’s wood be in the hopes of future “booty calls”. This would alloweth thee to end the story on a humorous note (much more in line with the first three-fourths of the fic), as well as settle on a final mental state in which to leave Gleaming (furious at being lied to, but perhaps just slightly looking forward to future dalliances with Eris). The current ending leaveth a number of plot-threads untied—a state most unsatisfying as far as I am concerned.
I also must put forth my thoughts on the general attitude towards sex in thy version of Equestria. This assumeth, of course, that the messenger and Celestia’s outlooks are representative of the average Equestrian’s.
The narrative indicateth that the messenger is fully aware that Gleaming had just masturbated before leaving to meet with Celestia. However, rather than showing even the slightest bit of disapproval at such irresponsible behavior, he instead exhibiteth apathy. Celestia even encourageth it! I would not deign to judge Gleaming merely for enjoying herself in the privacy of her own room—far from it—but at the same time, sexual urges must be tempered against consideration for thy peers, thine underlings, and thy rulers. I would find it highly disrespectful if a guard appeared before me stinking of sex, when it taketh such a small amount of effort to make one’s self even marginally presentable.
Thou shalt note, author, that these criticisms are quite abstract and unarguably subjective. Thy technical chops are nigh impeccable. That is not to say that I did not spot an error hither and yon, but methinks those can be attributed to the nature of the fic—when writing steamy fiction, it is not unreasonable to believe that the author might have more difficulty than usual in focusing. If thou wouldst read through the work again, I am sure that the typos and small errors would make themselves readily visible to thee.
I had also initially questioned thy choice to invent the character, Eris. After all, thou hadst gender-swapped Shining Armor, so wherefore wouldst thou not do the same with Discord? However, after reading, I note differences between their characters, enough so that I believe either would work.
I can think of no further commentary nor criticisms to level thy way, author. Aside from some overly-purple prose, the out-of-place ending, the belief-stretching acceptance of sexual “deviance”, and the sometimes-heavy narrative during sexual scenes, this is a strong fic that accomplisheth what it setteth out to do. I wish thee the best of luck in thy future writing endeavors.
5707473
2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZpSBf-IvocM/U9_dg6uvuqI/AAAAAAAANRU/JQXLFQs3TF4/s1600/Exactly.gif
You... didn't hate it?
Many thanks for the review.
On the subject of the pronouns, I was basing it off the idea that Gleaming's mental state was unchanged, but after reading another fic involving Mare-to-Stallion transformation and this I am thinking I should go through the story and change it.
And I am working on a sequel, the process being as slow and agonizing as most of my work tends to be.
But it will contain a naked dragon fight.
Like Skyrim. Only naked.
I think I read the best rendition of this story.
In a more serious light though, damn good job!
5723340 Where did you find the beautiful thing?
5723726
I gizzoogled up your story. More specifically, I clicked the 'download' button on the story, went to Gizoogle.net, went into gizoogle translate, plopped down the link and witnessed the gangsta lyrics unfold.
I ain't talking 'bout no chickens or gravy, biiiatch.
5723740 I may have had an orgasm.
Stay posted.
*Comment*
Second one. I'm close.
As enjoyable as this was, I'm afraid we're not looking for gratuitous porn in the Goodfic Bin, so I'll be rejecting your story from submissions.
5860277 th06.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/021/3/b/sad_applejack_by_helgih-d4n6xhi.png
5860396 If it helps, I liked it. And I can tell a whole lot of effort went in there. It's just not what we're looking for.
I think you've already got a pretty impressive audience for it, though!
5861008
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/122/6/3/_wip_happy_applejack_by_themidgetgoat-d63patg.png
Did you invent this word? I thought the female version of "draconequus" should be "draconequusess". Or better yet, by Greek rules: "draconequa".
"...Miss Armour," Celestia said slowly. "Have you been... entertaining yourself?"
Gleaming froze for an instant before turning a very bright shade of pink and began sputtering an excuse.
Celestia silenced her with a gentle finger on the lips. "Shh," she said softly. "There's no shame in that, Miss Armour. Everypony does it now and then." Celestia leaned down so they were at eye-level. "Everypony," she repeated with a wink.
media3.giphy.com/media/48YKCwrp4Kt8I/200w_s.gif
I can totally see this happening in my mind.
Nice story
8876397
Thank you.
8876408
Also you can do much more with this theme