When one girl turns into a pegasus at school, how will things turn out when everybody knows? Will she be able to cope? Will others think differently of her? As Emma struggles with this sudden change, she does have a friend who will stick besides her at all times, and all of a sudden, some guy instantly is attracted to her. Will her life take a turn for the worse? Or can this be the start of something grand? Probably the former.
Defiantly the former.
Ok, so if you're new to this story, then this was created, and the first 8 chapters were written by Vinyl Skull king... or is it "Vinyl DJ" now... I don't know. He changes it too much. But anyway, he gave it to me, and now I'm carrying on the quest.
Editor needed
Chapters (21)
omg this is awesome and i cant stop
5325681 Cant stop what? lol :D
laughing
5325693 I know :p
5325693 But whats so funny? trololol
5325696 you my friend are awesome
5325703 Why thanks!! :D
5325701 turn in to a pony in front of the class and that guy that is funny
5325710 I know that must have sucked. And yes I threw that dude in for the heck of it. :D
5325710 by the way my profile pic is thunder-star one of my oc's which is what I used for this story. Its the only cool oc I have out of the 4 i came up with.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This fic is bad.
The main character is a generic teenage Mary-Sue.
-Random superhot guy falls in love with main character for no reason, main character shyly denies him after inadvertently admitting he's hot.
-Random "black guys" fall in love with main character for no reason and sexually harass her.
-"uuuggghhh class is soooo booorrring" mentality.
-OC's appearance just screams Mary Sue. Would you see this pony appear in the show?
Unrealistic reactions to the sudden transformation of human-to-pony
-Aforementioned hot guy falls in love with pony. r u srs m8
-Aforementioned black guys fall in love with main character and sexually harass her
-Class, teacher, friend and main character act as if it's a simple embarrassing inconvenience.
-Main character worries more about social, class issues than the clearly much more pressing issue
-Society looks at the oddly-colored bipedal pony as if she's wearing clothes that don't match
In general, everyone underreacts. How would you REALLY react to becoming a PONY?
Overwritten transformation scene that has no explanation; potential plot hole if you never explain, and nobody likes plot holes.
Cringe-worthy grammar mistakes.
PASSIVE VOOOIIIICCCEEE
And some other things I missed. I prescribe thorough reading of Ezn's writing guide, one of the hundreds of people on this site that would be happy to help you improve your writing, and a heavy dose of "rewrite or scrap this fic." I'm serious about the rewrite or scrap this fic. There is no fixing this without a total rewrite or deletion.
YOU FRICKING FRICKS
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Er... Yeah, I'm not sure how to reply to this story.
First off, the reaction to it all is WAY TOO MELLOW. Just like you said in your other story on the other site, Humans are naturally terrified of change, even more so when the change is happening to them. But that is multiplied by the power of 10 when it's a transformation like this. Do you honestly expect a teacher would carry on a class like that when one of their students up and turns into a colorful farm animal? Heck no! And even if they did, I honestly think the person who was transformed would run out of there as quickly as possible without a second thought, maybe or maybe not screaming the whole way. One of the onlookers in the classroom could even be some devil-fearing guy who cries out, "DEVIL! DEVIL!" when he sees a girl suddenly sprout horse ears.
What I'm trying to say is that you have to remember not everyone is the same, and not everyone thinks like you. While you are more used to the idea of someone transforming into a pony, your characters are not... unless they are into that sort of thing. Anyways, the single thing that could make this story better is thinking what would REALLY happen.
But overall, your description of the transformation was awesome, and the general direction was original, but a bit uneventful. "Oh, somebody turned into a pony? Okay.... a bit weird, but.... meh, got school to do."
I can't wait to see another story from you, though! With more experience comes even more awesome stories!
5326413
um, I would be mellow if I was changed.
Plus panicking gets you nowhere.
5326595
Uh huh, that's true. But again I say, not all people are like you. It's hard to think what would happen in another person's shoes, so much so that I can't always tell what would actually happen. All I'm trying to say is that all the people in that classroom reacting the same exact way isn't all that likely to happen. Some may be 'mellow' while others may panic.
I'm not hating on the story. I'm TRYING to help the author find new things that could help in their writing.
5326276 Wow. I never looked at it like that!!
5326595 Yeah she didn't panic. She was about to but kept her cool.
5326413 I know what you mean about about being mellow. But it's different with everybody. If this were to happen to me I'd be like wtf? wtf? just wtf? I'd mot likely just sit there trying to get my brain to believe this is what just happened. but yes I can do better
At least I have more likes than dislikes :D
Just remember when writing characters: Characters do what characters do, and that doesn't always mean what YOU want them to do.
5327189 Okay
The under reaction
I'll give you a like and a fave
5327583 What doth thou mean by under rection?
5327590
As people were saying earlier... The students and teacher reacted like this was like she ripped her pants or spilled something on herself, not a species change
I can't wait to see the next chapter!
Though, there could be some fixes here and there...
Other than that, I can't really tell you how much i love this story, and how much i can't wait to see what's next.
With love-
~Eclair
And now I have a silly idea myself
5328067 nice
5327851 thanks!! :D
5328285 you're welcome
5329588 This story does need some tweeking. should I leave it like this as a oneshot or should I keep going?
5329594 Oh, no keep going! It's lovely, but you need an editor and a pre-reader dear. I know a few people who could help you if you want.
5329742 How would you even add people?
5329760 well... i can be the pre-reader and i know a good editor. the way you do it is you PM the link to the unpublished chapter to them, or copy and paste to the PM
5329773 ok
5329773 you should read my other story to see what you think of that.
5329790 i will
5329910 thx :D you will like that one better
First impulse upon turning into a pony, take a selfie...
5347499 well she didnt take a selfie she looked at herself in the camera. :D
So.... She turns into an anthro?
i bucking love this
5419673 well bucking thank you
5419680 i fuck bucks bucking fucking bucks
OMG, The Hook and it's horrible pain! Somebody give another "chapter pills", ASAP.
5419957 hahah lolz
So was the random mention of being jumped in the alley by a lady with a glowing green syringe just a red herring or is she going to start looking for a solution sometime?
5432519 im not sure