Currently going under HEAVY editing, one might even call it a rewrite. Huge shout out to Cander for the help. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Adalson. He isn't a brony, he isn't an anti-brony either. But he is tired. Tired of strife, and pain. Humans aren't horrible... it's just they aren't great either. Then, he stumbles across a game. A different game. A game, where you don't need to be mean, and rewards you for being nice, but for most players, being nice is it's own reward. So, he bought a bundle item (by accident) with a game, and a "never officially released" accessory. And that, is how his life got interesting.
Looking to be added to Humans Aren't B******
Chapters (6)
would be neat if that game was real XD
6880273
... You havn't read "friendship is optimal"... Have you?
6963003 yes
I've read this story but i can't seem to find out why there are so many dislikes. the only thing i can find wrong is that there isn't more story to read, so please don't mind the dislikes and keep giving it your best!
I can see why there are so many dislikes.
Sounds like CelestAI decided to send him an engineering model.
This feels very rushed. It needs an editor with how many typos are in there. The story has potential but fails to live up to it. There is a complete lack of any conflict and character development is shallow and near instant when it does occur. This comes across as just a simple wish fulfillment story.
Let me know if you want help with this. I have been writing stories for over 20 years and have even won some writing contests.
7706749
if I could ask, why? I'd love to know to improve for the future, make my writing great "again" (if it ever was), that sort of thing.
7707273
ding ding ding! we have a WINNER! (just wish I was more clear on that...)
7707326
thanks for the criticism, and about my stories falling short: they usually do that. My guess why is that I don't have anyone to consult about them. I'd love some help with this, since you offered.
7707689 as you found out, Cander explained it best. I do proofreading though.
7707693 ok I will PM you my email so we can go over the story. FiO is one of my favorite settings so I hate to see a story set there wind up not doing well.
Never, isn't it?
This was short and sweet. I just wish it was "Incomplete" instead of "On Hiatus", but you still get a like.
Really? Don't write so damn defensively. Young human characters in the story might think the world is out to get them and that they are bad people for being interested in cotton candy colored ponies, but Celestia does not make judgments and trying to get persons to judge themselves better than the people judging them is still a judgment – worse, if it backfires the person in question, and in this case he sounds like a teenager, might quit the game right then and never come back. That would be an obvious failure toward everyone involved.
News anchors are paid to sound neutral, even though english speaking news networks are obscenely bias, the anchors themselves must sound neutral. This could still happen, but then the internet would explode talking about “that fired news anchor” and the following day, there would be a public apology from the network.
When you rewrite this story, if it is roughly the same length, please post it as a one chapter short story. Chapters should be 3k to 5k words or involve a major shift from the previous scene. Since everything in this story follows the one character, there was no need to split it up. Also, it is bad form to litter a story with author's notes. They are distracting and should only go at the end of a story unless there is something the readers need to know that can't be told by the story itself, then they should go at the very beginning.
This Adalson is a pony with good taste!
Psh, an abomination? T'was art.