- Member Since 26th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Yesterday
Corejo
A good story isn't measured by how long it is, but by how long it stays with you.
Corejo
Joined 26th Jan, 2012 ·
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>20,000 words
Man, Luna must be really, really pissed in this story. I'll give it a read here soon.
This story ended up being quite the pleasant surprise.
Pipsqueak is also absolutely adorable.
img1.derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/6/25/20451.gif
That is all.
Holy shit, that is an illustrious list of prereaders.
Luna is the hype!
I liked it up until the last scene. I was hoping for more interesting maneuver. I thought the point would be that to change anything is such a bureaucratic nightmare that Luna didn't need to do anything. Hence Celestia being so blaise about it.
I know the random tag is in effect but everything to that point had been played pretty straight. So I am asking why Peabody didn't ask how underage foals could legally form a party and have it mean anything?
Other than that it was funny with an engaging style and turn of phrase.
I enjoyed this but I do have a couple of criticisms. 1. I don't think this deserved the random tag, comedy yes but not Random. 2. Pea Body ran a bakery which was selling cakes/cookies/cupcakes etc. I think it would have been more amusing if Luna not only got the children involved but used Pea Body's occupation against her, after all she's dealing in sweets. Also, even if Celestia didn't see it as bribery, that doesn't mean that Luna can't accuse her and have Celestia get tied up in the scandal it would cause. Yes the story would be longer but it'd be a better thought out comedy.
5483215 I assume you meant to add this video with your comment?
5485570
And now his comment makes so much sense all of a sudden.
How long did it take you to come up with the title
5487039
A few seconds. It actually came out of nowhere in my head one day, and I couldn't resist writing something about it.
I dare someone to say the title 10 times fast
I have to say that this was quite a enjoyable read. No noticable errors, a rather smoothe fow. And the actual story itselff was spectacular and full of rather funny moments. If the stories you pointed out are half as enjoyable to read as this one was I'll need to read them soon.
Seems legit.
5500438
It adds the author's notes to that total.
I bet this guy would give the SPCCPANA a fit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfe+585,_Senior
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c7/Wolfe%2B585.jpg
Yes, that is all one name.
Also, Bangkok.
Ouch. Boy does that line bring back some memories.
Because you forgot how to Modern English
5488625 I am the troll.
5500949 Is legit.
5501734
Rhetorical Rhetoric would surely die of cardiac arrest.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
Holy crap, that's deep. It sounds like a friendship lesson straight out of the show! Nice work!
5522117
Glad you enjoyed it.
A great story, keep this good work up ^^
This is easily one of the most entertaining, funniest stories I've ever read. I say this having read many a humorous tale.
Luna is Best Princess.
Well this turned out to be quite a great read. Thank you for that
I think this was overall a very well-written story with an intriguing, as well as pretty relevant premise. It overall gets a thumbs up, except for one thing that really just bugs me about it, that being the character Peabody and her role as an antagonist to Luna.
I actually see this quite a lot in stories about the Princesses, particularly Luna ones, and their roles in governing Equestria. To create a conflict, often a strawman is introduce to oppose/antagonize them, the most common being an obviously evil noble/aristocrat. This kind of character is often used, as I see it, to make Luna and/or Celestia look better, as well as encourage the readers to be on the Princess' side. It's really common in various forms of media and I can't say I'm a huge fan of it.
Peabody here definitely feels like a strawman, someone for Luna to beat/prove wrong. It's not like I'm against strawmen as a rule of thumb, but Peabody here comes off a touch too over-the-top in her antagonism towards Luna to the point where it makes her look Too Dumb To Live. Regardless whether she likes her or not, Luna is the official co-ruler Princess of Equestria and the sheer open display of rudeness and disrespect Peabody shows her (down to outright insulting her) realistically would not be tolerated. And even then, this is an Alicorn Princesses who she knows full well was Nightmare Moon. She may not like her, but you'd think she'd have plenty reason to still fear her as well like Ponyville did. I feel like reaching in and whispering to Peabody, "Uh, you realize that she can obliterate you with just a thought, right?"
I can certainly appreciate portraying her at the end as being well-intentioned beneath the attitude, however; I just wish the story looked at that side of her more, as opposed to being a gratingly obnoxious opponent the readers are eagerly looking forward to seeing Luna put in her place.
Again, rest assured, I don't think this was a bad story, not at all. It's written very well; humorous; I wanted to know what was going to happen in the end and the kids at the end were hilariously adorable of course. I just really find characters like Peapody annoying, and not just because I'm supposedto find them annoying.
5484071
Hmm, that is an interesting take and would have worked well. But then again, it probably wouldn't have the same catharsis as the current ending does.
5591702
I actually had more planned for her side of the story--as I do agree she is a 'strawman' as you put it--but I couldn't really find any good places to wedge it in. The water cooler scene was crammed to the breaking point as it is, and adding an additional scene I felt would have detracted from the pacing, not to mention have been an abrupt shift in direction. I did my best with the bushel brow office scene and the water cooler scene, but if that wasn't enough in your book then I'm not sure what more I should have done.
Thanks for the input, though! Always like criticism like this.
5595860 Thank you for replying to my comments.
I can totally understand, sure, and in fact, I can conceded she was indeed allowed to make some points for her case.
I suppose really the main thing that put me off was, like I said, the character's over antagonism towards Luna. It's less that I'm a big fan of Luna (I think she's okay), but I have a problem imagining most ponies realistically getting away with (or having the guts, especially when it's Luna, i.e. formerly Nightmare Moon) being so outright rude and disrespectful towards one of the demigod co-rulers of Equestria, regardless if she personally likes her or not. (Like the whole "Where the REAL Princess?" bit, I felt like asking, "I'm sorry, do she WANT to get thrown out of that castle?").
I dunno, maybe it's just me and I'm making a mountain of a molehill; it's just felt like her attitude was made overtly spiteful just so Luna could look better by standing against her, and it kinda put me off. But again, maybe that's just my problem.
There's not a doubt in my mind you are a good writer -- this story itself was very well-written -- it's just this story might not be in my taste. However, that does not mean I'm put off from checking out your other works -- Reading Rainbow and Sprinkles look pretty interesting.
5591702 I too would think Peabody was a strawman... if not for my knowledge of the arrogant and absurd bloviating by PETA members.
They ARE that obnoxious and clueless in real life.
You should have heard the one going off in a restaurant about how cruel it was to eat chicken eggs, blathering on and on about killing potential baby chicks and so forth.
The idiot didn't even know that eggs sold in stores are unfertilized and cannot hatch.
Break. This. Up. Seriously, this is a 20k word story. You should have broken it into chapters. This would make it easier to read, and easier to critique.
Here are my thoughts on the actual fic.
It's a lot longer than it needs it to be. The pacing is just way too slow, and the story doesn't get past exposition until a third of the way through. The first part with Pip could have been cut entirely, since Luna explains how she learned about the whole protest against Nightmare Night. The talk with Celestia just goes on and on, explaining various pieces of strange bureaucracy in what I think was an attempt to be funny. It's not funny because it drags so much, and the jokes don't start from anywhere logical, making them pointlessly random.
When the plot finally got started, I was not impressed. Luna acts completely idiotic, her thought process showing no critical thinking skills. She is told how the SPCCPANA is protesting the PBWAYFC because of the long name, but then she seems to forget this when they actually meet with Bushel Brow.
Also, for an organization intent on making names concise, the SPCCPANA... well, you get the picture.
I digress. Luna doesn't think things through, and I found myself completely apathetic towards her plight. Let me reiterate: I felt apathetic towards Princess Luna.
Honestly, about half way way through, I became apathetic towards everyone. Pea Body never got any power, and combined with her incompetence she was too pathetic to find funny. No one else really does anything to show their personalities, so I found myself unable to care at all. What even happens in the latter half anyway? The first petitioning scene was only necessary because of the nonsensical bureaucratic rules, and everything else can be summed up as "Luna holds Pea Body hostage to make her stop trying to destroy Nightmare Night". The end, story over. I mean, the scene with the foals swarming was a little amusing, but I had to slog through too much to get to it.
This story is agonizingly boring to the point of being exhausting. The jokes don't work, and it's too convoluted, nonsensical, and slow for me to enjoy the plot. It drags on like a bad standup routine. There's nothing which I could care about here.
Wait... I read this already. Somehow only the prologue was checked off.
6187695
Same here.
It looks like the author took the advice of the commenter previous to yours and broke the story up into chapters. Since there was, presumably, only one chapter before he did so, the first chapter is the only one still marked as "read".
6187695
6187986
Yep.
6187695
6187986
6188303
Oh well. Was worth reading again. :)
6188303 You confused me! Which gave me a NIGHTMARE!! Which became a bajillion times stronger and escaped into Ponyville and... then kinda vanished into mist cuz it didn't know it had no substance outside of a dream... huh...
(Anticlimactic alternate ending to latest episode)
Well, with what information we were given, that could've happened... it would've been like that one ST:TNG episode where the holographic mobsters left the Holodec and disappeared.
6194671
Hey. Yea, the biggest thing the new episode borked about this fic is the very first line, fittingly enough. I did love the freakin Spirit of the Forest from Princess Mononoke goin on with the nightmare at the end, and how Luna moved from dream to dream, though.
6195054 I still am left scratching my head that Luna created this monster, which came to 'life' on its own, and yet was still tethered to her power... was this a repeat of how NMM happened?
It would have been nice to get some clarification on that notion. Instead, we're just left wondering, "Did Luna really think making a mind monster AGAIN to guilt trip her forever was a good idea? Geez, and we thought Celestia's plans could be convoluted and insensible sometimes!"
6202834
Heh. I don't see anything wrong/weird about her creating this entity, or its coming into sapience, or even its tethering to Luna's guilt. I think it's all pretty cool stuff. Just real sad it killed the little detail I loved most about this fic.
I've had a few thoughts as to fanfic material based off the Tantibus, but it feels weird brainstorming them due to how much it'd contradict what I've already done in this story here. Canon is allowed to break fanon, but self-breaking your own fanon, despite conforming to new canon, just feels like the literary equivalent of kicking yourself in the groin. Maybe it's just cause I haven't written enough to have enough of those bones crunching underfoot?
But to your comment on Celestia's plans... at least her's work.
6203253 There's not anything 'wrong' with it, per se; but we're given so little information with regard to how she does it, or why she is able to know exactly how powerful it can become when she's seemingly never made one before.
Luna exhibits knowledge of something she can't possibly forsee, unless this WAS how NMM came to be... but that's something that would have had to come out in the episode, as it'd be so directly related to the plot. But then, if she already knew the Tantabus could escape her control and gain the power to not only escape but become powerful enough to turn all of Equestria into a nightmare world (which I think was rather a stretch. We're led to believe this thing could become Discord-level powerful?). It would have been fine for Luna to simply say, "There's no way to know what it could do if it manages to escape into the waking world, but we cannot take such a risk." Then we're not left with irreconcilable questions.
Something tells me that Celestia makes a game of letting silly ponies think that they are bribing her and enjoying the fruits whilst plotting their defeat and humiliation in a way that cannot be tracked back to her. I suspect that the way Tia 'handled' Luna in this chapter indicates that directing her sister's ire in a certain direction was part of her counter-strategy.
I thought those lunatics were a bunch of grammer-Nazis! Equestria is, in its own way, even crazier than the human world!
One day, I think a certain piebald earth pony stallion will be renowned as the greatest paladin in the history of the Night Guard. He will do it for duty but also, I think, out of love.
What you did there.
I see it.
Well done. I loved this tale and how it was written. I only wish I could prove my craft to flow as well. Oh well, loved Luna in his and this last chaper made me laugh just imagining all those kids and pipsqueak hehe.
6463218
Glad you liked it!