I am loving this chapter!! Especially when Spike delivers powerful counter-arguments whenever those idiot judges accuse him as a monster or a war criminal.
We'll need a warning telling us what chapters were edited by FamousLastWords, Ekhidna. Add a "edited" after the chapter title.
BTW, if you'd want to, I have free time to proofread for you. I'll take anything starting on Rise of Equestria P1, but nothing before that - this is my only condition.
So much death. So much destruction. The anguished cries of so many caribou. It is glorious! Can't wait for the next chapter. This is getting fantastic.
I don't really understand why you changed Gunne's background story for your story. In Bruised Apples, Gunne's father was particularly abusive towards Ginna. In your story, you paint Gunne's father as the exact opposite, caring and loving. I don't get why you made this change. I think it makes Gunne's character and reactions mostly unintelligible. Or do you want to insinuate that Gunne simply constantly lies about his own backstory, similar to the Joker in The Dark Knight?
Also, I think I have a relatively good understanding of how the canon version of Gunne works by now, but I really don't understand Gunne's reactions in your story. Gunne is clearly a character with many dimensions, but in your story, he seems to incongruently flip-flop between several entirely different personalities within only a few sentences.
6191803 Spike knows his story since Big Mac told him (spoiler). Gunne was just trying to save his sorry ass or at the very least save his child.
And I understand what you mean. I know in the Cannon he is not totally like the vast majority of the caribou, but still he is a male through and through, also shown in the Cannon, I just played with that aspect a little bit.
No mercy, at all for the caribou, particularly Gunne and Halbeard. Personally I like the fact that Spike didn't personally kill Halberd, but rather let him to the dozens and dozens of females that were not too happy at everything they did (and that's being somewhat nice).
Loved the heartwarming point that Spike didn't slay Ginna as well as Gunne--just aborted the foal in her that obviously some caribou, more likely Gunne (obvious incest fetish) forcibly gave to her, and otherwise just knocked her out. I wonder if she's still gonna show up in future chapters, or her fate is sealed and executed at some future point. Personally I would hope she lives--she does not be condemned to death because she is a caribou, however I can see if that does happen since all the caribou cows are pretty much kinda corrupted to the point that there may be no hope.
So happy that the other elements were able to rid themselves from the brainwash. I hope that eventually they are able to have a shot to get Luna and Celestia back, though the way they were decribed in previous chapters (particularly Celestia), they could not have much longer until the rebels would be unable to free the brainwash.
And finally, The Four Horsemen---Spike, Blueblood, Machintosh, Soarin--all together again. Not all is right in the world but at least there is a little tic in the right direction.
So, i don't get why after news spread about Spike being on trial for "crmies" against cariboo race there weren't mass riots all over Equestria. I mean, after the mass population of Equestria heard about all the clusterf*ck which was goin' in Equestria, they (population) would heroise Spike and other main figures in the resistance, worship him like a man-god (Guan Yu or Talos from TES for example) or some sh*t. Why? (Sorry for my possibly bad english, i am russian, you know)
Sad but true. While I'm not a fan of FoE fics (anti-included), I do like how this one did go to some effort to establish not all the cervids are the way they are willingly. We later meet a few defectors to talk about how things weren't always this way to help drive this point further.
Not my personally favorite wa an A-FoE story has handled it, but good in my book
At first Spike seemed to have the right of way...but I was wrong...this is...wrong. This is not true vengeance. This is hatred and genocide. This is murder, cold-blooded, pointless murder. He had a chance to make something right...and he destroyed it all. He demolished everything he could have done and turned into the same blackened, flat wasteland Ponyville now is. He could have saved Gunne and Ginna, and done something...good. Changed things. Maybe not in months or years, but maybe in decades and centuries. And do not tell me that is impossible. It was impossible to destroy the Crystal Heart. It was impossible to kill the Windigo. It was impossible to climb the mountain with only one arm. It was impossible to DEFEAT DAINN! If anything, Spike's story has done nothing but prove the impossible can become possible. You just need physical strength, and a clever mind. If he DOES go to Tartarus, he would not become the Caribou's torturer, but he would be given something ELSE he wants. To cause death in the most violent, painful way possible, but not to the Caribou. If anything, he would be forced to violently kill all those he's close to, the Pony sisters, the Mane 6, Cadance, Shining, everyone he once loved, and murder them as violently as he killed Therkin. And then do it again, and again, and again, and again, until he is nothing. He is no ordinary monster. He is a violent...freak. He does not deserve the Crystal Heart's power. HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO LEAD ANYTHING! HE DOES NOT DESERVE ANY KIND OF SYMPATHY FROM ANYONE! NOT EVEN TWILIGHT! My verdict is GUILTY, and nothing ANYONE can do or say will change my mind.
“Three hundred and seventy six!” he declared before using his tail to pierce the heart of one stag that tried to crawl away without both arms, his scream of absolute pain followed by his pathetic whimpers made the dragon feel giddy with joy. “Seventy seven!” Spike sang again before stomping on the heads of another two, uncaring of adding more guts, brains, blood or whatever other disgusting substance onto him. “Eighty one!” he then snarled before breathing out a stream of orange fire onto three stags before kneeling down and grabbing the last two survivors by their antlers and dragged them out of the house they were hiding and onto the ongoing battle outside.
Just something interesting I saw, is all. Also, usually when writing numbers like 76 and 77 in word-form, you have a hyphen. Looks like “seventy-six.” And another thing, (at least in Wisconsin) as long as the number is 10 or above, we just write it in number-form rather than bothering to write the words. ‘Saves time. I don’t know which way is the official way, but that’s how I do it. Word of advice, it’s called a bubbler, not a water fountain. Only heathens call bubblers water fountains. I mean, come on. A water fountain? As opposed to a lava fountain?
“And I hope you will thank me in a few hours,” Spike replied letting a unicorn rebel pick the group he had stopped up with his magic and take them away.
Tiny nugget of knowledge- I used to be unsure of how to use the phrase “pick up” properly, but now that I’m in high school and I’ve read some meaty books I can definitely say that this sentence would read, “... pick up the group he had stopped with his magic and take them away.” If I were an editor, I would suggest you simply move the word “up” to the other side of that sentence.
“If you don’t then I’ll break this barrier down and I will kill you all,” Spike liked his lips slowly. “Please, go on, make my day all the better.”
I’ve seen this typo maybe 5 times now. Autocorrect must hate characters licking their lips or something. I’d go as far as saying a third of all misspellings in this (which are few and far between) are with licking or liking lips.
... Oh yeah, you may want to add a space after “triple dots.” I’m not a professional- like I said, I’m in high school- but there’s usually a space.
Bowing to reconstruct the town one day, he closed his eyes for a few moments. Then he re-opened them, the white light replaced by a intense blue flow while the lines between his scales started shining with the same intensity. The light emerged from his body uncontrollably for almost an entire minute then, to the surprise of everyone, Spike started to levitate two or three meters above the ground while the blue light was slowly being replaced by green flames.
Ya gotta remember, when the word after “a” starts with a vowel, change it to “an.”
After almost two minutes of concentration, grunting and snarling finally it all ended with a roar so powerful it made all the presents cover their ears.
I’ve never heard of this phrase before. ‘Can’t tell if “all the presents” is correct or not. Either way, I know you’re talking about all who were present.
Spike, now clean from the guts and blood of battle, watched from the top balcony of the fortress all the activity down below. The sheer number of it had put the entire secluded area into full capacity; especially after he had freed the thousands of Enslaved and Corrupted, at least the ones that could be saved. The rest, less than two thousand counting females and males, were given a quick, painless death. Meanwhile the caribou males remained in tight vigilance in the farthest part of the cave and only the top ranking captured officers were being interrogated.
Sheer number of what? From context I can figure out what you’re talking about, but I’d change “it” to something more clear.
- On many computers you can use the command “Ctrl + f” to type in certain phrases in order to find them faster. Think of it like a bookmark and the google search bar had a baby. -
“Better,” she flexed her wings twice. “It feels so good to be rid of those damn wing-sheats,”
Sheaths.
“Well, for starters, fuck you too. Secondly, I didn’t betray you. I was your slave and later I became a spy, sort to speak, for the rebel forces. Thirdly, and most importantly, fuck Dainn and all his stinking race to Tartarus, back and to Tartarus again.”
So to speak.
“Not for long, asshole,” another caribou said. “You will pay for your treason and your insolence, we will switch you and then we will fuck you to death! Just like we will to all these fucking sluts and future cocksuking bitches.”
Cocksucking.
“But, as fortune has it, one of you was part of said convoy, wouldn’t you say agree,” Spike turned to see a white caribou with brown spots on his chest kneeling beside Harald. “Therkin? Or should I say, Sergeant Therkin?”
I don’t really see why this phrase is here. Firstly, I think it should either be “wouldn’t you say” or “wouldn’t you agree,” but even then it seems out of place if he’s speaking to the prisoners.
“Where your joints are, where is…. hurts,”
It.
Spike paused for a moment seeing the heart in his hand, then he forced Therkin to see his own heart beating a few times in his hand before the crushed it in a single mighty motion.
Before he crushed it.
His maniacal laughter full of cold mirt and dreadful joy.
Mirth.
“But my dear judge, Silveria is it?” the minotauress glared him harder. “You did brought up an excellent point.
Bring.
Still, Dainn stepped forward uncaring that the heads of his late subjects and caribou brothers looked directly at him in silent dead.
In a petrified blue funk, perhaps?
They do had a condition, they want to send you on some missions if the situation calls for it.”
Have.
They want tah see yah,if yah can.”
Needs a space.
“Rainbow Dash,” Soarin began looking at her. “I know I’ve said this said so before but...I’m….I’m sorry, for everything I--”
Normally what is written as dialogue isn’t a problem, since characters- much like people- don’t really adhere to the rules of writing when talking, but in this case I would definitely say you should have Soarin say just one of those two things. Either “I know I’ve said this” or “I know I’ve said so.” Not both. ‘Seems to be a common theme here; almost as if while editing you select the words to replace them with something new as you type, but instead of the selected words being replaced you end up doubling up.
Just out curiosity, what was your message?” Blueblood asked making the mares look at Spike questioningly.
Just out of curiosity.
“I have no idea, all I know is that I have to master this power and I’ll need a lot of practise dummies,” Spike snarled excitedly. “Everyone deserves their chance to take revenge and justice on the caribou. I’ll be sure to give them that chance, but Dainn? Dainn is mine,” light began to emerge from his chest. “I was a brute and a sex starved idiot for over a year raping everything that had a hole and breasts. We all lost love ones and what’s worse, we even saw many fall to their corruption.
Practice. Sex-starved, perhaps? Loved ones.
-
A little bit after 20 minutes of reading the chapter I decided to start proofreading. It’s just such a great chapter. In my personal opinion I wish Spike was more civilized in front of the Council, but at the same time I do so love dramatics. Spike’s tubthumping was at times very nice, particularly in his long paragraphs like the one about honor, yet I can’t see why he would go to such great lengths to be- dare I say- slightly annoying. I mean, dude! This is being broadcasted to probably all of Equestria! Why would you refer to your dick as a dragon? Just tell them you gotta go to the bathroom and go, don’t be crude. Gah... whatever. This is the best incarnation of Dainn on all of FimFiction. Normally Mr. Wave Of Pain fizzles out like a god damned Wizard 101 spell when a Gary Stu arrives to take him out. And usually Dainn is just a lucky bastard that also turns out to be a bitch boy. Oh, but uniquely, however, here I can actually feel for him. He is a monster, that much is obvious to us based on the general rules that nearly all citizens in modern society follow, but he’s not outright going “let’s fuck the planet because we can!” No, the reasons for this go back centuries and everything has another layer to it. There are no big loopholes from what I can tell, and there’s the building of all characters that are normally as dull as the history of yarn. It’s really just so much easier to slap a Greek God hot bod on lucky-number 1-8-3-0-2 and slap the king silly, you know? This story draws things out, and it makes for a nice adventure to follow. Good night. Thanks for writing. Oh, and I’m not a professional or anything, and I don’t know where I fall in comparison to the average Joe, so I may be wrong about a lot or even all that I’m saying.
I am loving this chapter!! Especially when Spike delivers powerful counter-arguments whenever those idiot judges accuse him as a monster or a war criminal.
We'll need a warning telling us what chapters were edited by FamousLastWords, Ekhidna. Add a "edited" after the chapter title.
BTW, if you'd want to, I have free time to proofread for you. I'll take anything starting on Rise of Equestria P1, but nothing before that - this is my only condition.
Love the story. LOVE IT
Have a moustache
So much death. So much destruction. The anguished cries of so many caribou. It is glorious! Can't wait for the next chapter. This is getting fantastic.
6187173 Indeed, its already been said, but he's putting all of the races that didnt help them on trial.
The hell is a comboy?
Convoy.
6188906 Can't believe I messed that up. Thanks.
6188920 De nada. Btw, I have my hands full with other editing jobs and actual work, so while I'd love to be your editor...sorry.
I love this
I don't really understand why you changed Gunne's background story for your story. In Bruised Apples, Gunne's father was particularly abusive towards Ginna. In your story, you paint Gunne's father as the exact opposite, caring and loving. I don't get why you made this change. I think it makes Gunne's character and reactions mostly unintelligible. Or do you want to insinuate that Gunne simply constantly lies about his own backstory, similar to the Joker in The Dark Knight?
Also, I think I have a relatively good understanding of how the canon version of Gunne works by now, but I really don't understand Gunne's reactions in your story. Gunne is clearly a character with many dimensions, but in your story, he seems to incongruently flip-flop between several entirely different personalities within only a few sentences.
6191803 Spike knows his story since Big Mac told him (spoiler). Gunne was just trying to save his sorry ass or at the very least save his child.
And I understand what you mean. I know in the Cannon he is not totally like the vast majority of the caribou, but still he is a male through and through, also shown in the Cannon, I just played with that aspect a little bit.
May the Equestrians die a glorious death and may the carribo burn in tartarus for their cowardess, trespasses.
6188850 they won't kill spike he is the crystal heart he will outlive the alicorn race.
No mercy, at all for the caribou, particularly Gunne and Halbeard. Personally I like the fact that Spike didn't personally kill Halberd, but rather let him to the dozens and dozens of females that were not too happy at everything they did (and that's being somewhat nice).
Loved the heartwarming point that Spike didn't slay Ginna as well as Gunne--just aborted the foal in her that obviously some caribou, more likely Gunne (obvious incest fetish) forcibly gave to her, and otherwise just knocked her out. I wonder if she's still gonna show up in future chapters, or her fate is sealed and executed at some future point. Personally I would hope she lives--she does not be condemned to death because she is a caribou, however I can see if that does happen since all the caribou cows are pretty much kinda corrupted to the point that there may be no hope.
So happy that the other elements were able to rid themselves from the brainwash. I hope that eventually they are able to have a shot to get Luna and Celestia back, though the way they were decribed in previous chapters (particularly Celestia), they could not have much longer until the rebels would be unable to free the brainwash.
And finally, The Four Horsemen---Spike, Blueblood, Machintosh, Soarin--all together again. Not all is right in the world but at least there is a little tic in the right direction.
So, i don't get why after news spread about Spike being on trial for "crmies" against cariboo race there weren't mass riots all over Equestria. I mean, after the mass population of Equestria heard about all the clusterf*ck which was goin' in Equestria, they (population) would heroise Spike and other main figures in the resistance, worship him like a man-god (Guan Yu or Talos from TES for example) or some sh*t. Why? (Sorry for my possibly bad english, i am russian, you know)
6230552 Because it was a deal Spike made. Check the beginning of Chapter 6 P1
6234742 Oh, now i get it. Great job by the way.
i read this chapter three times and I didn't get bored
I think there's some songs that would suit for spike in this situation
YOU LIKE HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS! XD
6251194 Endure it, for the reward is...rejoycing, or so I'm told.
Given how much the Caribou robotically all act exactly the same, I imagine they were all under the same brainwashing magic as the poor pony stallions.
6299487
In-story it's pretty well stated that this is the case; abet it was only stated late into the story and was easy to miss.
6387561
Which means they were just innocent victims of the Caribou King too.
-_- The first people any tyrant enslaves is their own.
6387603
Sad but true. While I'm not a fan of FoE fics (anti-included), I do like how this one did go to some effort to establish not all the cervids are the way they are willingly. We later meet a few defectors to talk about how things weren't always this way to help drive this point further.
Not my personally favorite wa an A-FoE story has handled it, but good in my book
Been a while, any chance of a update?
At first Spike seemed to have the right of way...but I was wrong...this is...wrong. This is not true vengeance. This is hatred and genocide. This is murder, cold-blooded, pointless murder. He had a chance to make something right...and he destroyed it all. He demolished everything he could have done and turned into the same blackened, flat wasteland Ponyville now is. He could have saved Gunne and Ginna, and done something...good. Changed things. Maybe not in months or years, but maybe in decades and centuries. And do not tell me that is impossible. It was impossible to destroy the Crystal Heart. It was impossible to kill the Windigo. It was impossible to climb the mountain with only one arm. It was impossible to DEFEAT DAINN! If anything, Spike's story has done nothing but prove the impossible can become possible. You just need physical strength, and a clever mind. If he DOES go to Tartarus, he would not become the Caribou's torturer, but he would be given something ELSE he wants. To cause death in the most violent, painful way possible, but not to the Caribou. If anything, he would be forced to violently kill all those he's close to, the Pony sisters, the Mane 6, Cadance, Shining, everyone he once loved, and murder them as violently as he killed Therkin. And then do it again, and again, and again, and again, until he is nothing. He is no ordinary monster. He is a violent...freak. He does not deserve the Crystal Heart's power. HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO LEAD ANYTHING! HE DOES NOT DESERVE ANY KIND OF SYMPATHY FROM ANYONE! NOT EVEN TWILIGHT! My verdict is GUILTY, and nothing ANYONE can do or say will change my mind.
I just marathon read this entire story and it is Epic.
kill all the caribou yes yes yes hahahahah
Insane spike is good Spike everybody loves insane Spike I mean he does the world good it's just utterly amazing
Well, shit, this is gonna be epic.
KILL THEM ALL SPIKE!!!! The leader is one thing...but a god? Yeah....that won't go down easy...at all....buck is this going to be fun.
You know, if you get this version of Spike, and the Doom Slayer (2016) on the same team... goddammit, they would be unstoppable! Lol
I have to ask.
*Dramatic Announcer Voice* Where's Derpy???
Go get 'em Spike...
►Best of ELECTRO SWING Mix July 2018◄ ~( ̄▽ ̄)~
Just something interesting I saw, is all. Also, usually when writing numbers like 76 and 77 in word-form, you have a hyphen. Looks like “seventy-six.” And another thing, (at least in Wisconsin) as long as the number is 10 or above, we just write it in number-form rather than bothering to write the words. ‘Saves time. I don’t know which way is the official way, but that’s how I do it. Word of advice, it’s called a bubbler, not a water fountain. Only heathens call bubblers water fountains. I mean, come on. A water fountain? As opposed to a lava fountain?
Tiny nugget of knowledge- I used to be unsure of how to use the phrase “pick up” properly, but now that I’m in high school and I’ve read some meaty books I can definitely say that this sentence would read, “... pick up the group he had stopped with his magic and take them away.” If I were an editor, I would suggest you simply move the word “up” to the other side of that sentence.
I’ve seen this typo maybe 5 times now. Autocorrect must hate characters licking their lips or something. I’d go as far as saying a third of all misspellings in this (which are few and far between) are with licking or liking lips.
... Oh yeah, you may want to add a space after “triple dots.” I’m not a professional- like I said, I’m in high school- but there’s usually a space.
Ya gotta remember, when the word after “a” starts with a vowel, change it to “an.”
I’ve never heard of this phrase before. ‘Can’t tell if “all the presents” is correct or not. Either way, I know you’re talking about all who were present.
Sheer number of what? From context I can figure out what you’re talking about, but I’d change “it” to something more clear.
-
On many computers you can use the command “Ctrl + f” to type in certain phrases in order to find them faster. Think of it like a bookmark and the google search bar had a baby.
-
Sheaths.
So to speak.
Cocksucking.
I don’t really see why this phrase is here. Firstly, I think it should either be “wouldn’t you say” or “wouldn’t you agree,” but even then it seems out of place if he’s speaking to the prisoners.
It.
Before he crushed it.
Mirth.
Bring.
In a petrified blue funk, perhaps?
Have.
Needs a space.
Normally what is written as dialogue isn’t a problem, since characters- much like people- don’t really adhere to the rules of writing when talking, but in this case I would definitely say you should have Soarin say just one of those two things. Either “I know I’ve said this” or “I know I’ve said so.” Not both. ‘Seems to be a common theme here; almost as if while editing you select the words to replace them with something new as you type, but instead of the selected words being replaced you end up doubling up.
Just out of curiosity.
Practice.
Sex-starved, perhaps?
Loved ones.
-
A little bit after 20 minutes of reading the chapter I decided to start proofreading. It’s just such a great chapter. In my personal opinion I wish Spike was more civilized in front of the Council, but at the same time I do so love dramatics. Spike’s tubthumping was at times very nice, particularly in his long paragraphs like the one about honor, yet I can’t see why he would go to such great lengths to be- dare I say- slightly annoying. I mean, dude! This is being broadcasted to probably all of Equestria! Why would you refer to your dick as a dragon? Just tell them you gotta go to the bathroom and go, don’t be crude. Gah... whatever.
This is the best incarnation of Dainn on all of FimFiction. Normally Mr. Wave Of Pain fizzles out like a god damned Wizard 101 spell when a Gary Stu arrives to take him out. And usually Dainn is just a lucky bastard that also turns out to be a bitch boy. Oh, but uniquely, however, here I can actually feel for him. He is a monster, that much is obvious to us based on the general rules that nearly all citizens in modern society follow, but he’s not outright going “let’s fuck the planet because we can!” No, the reasons for this go back centuries and everything has another layer to it. There are no big loopholes from what I can tell, and there’s the building of all characters that are normally as dull as the history of yarn. It’s really just so much easier to slap a Greek God hot bod on lucky-number 1-8-3-0-2 and slap the king silly, you know?
This story draws things out, and it makes for a nice adventure to follow. Good night. Thanks for writing.
Oh, and I’m not a professional or anything, and I don’t know where I fall in comparison to the average Joe, so I may be wrong about a lot or even all that I’m saying.
They [the caribou] are rapists, cruel and without mercy.
But Spike will be worse.
[Doom 2016] Rip and Tear until it is done!