“I may not look like it but I’m just as strong, if not stronger than any minotaur, earth pony…..or caribou, except for yourself, of course, my king,” he then presented his claws. “My claws are like swords,” then his tail. “My tail a whip,” next he rose up a leg, showing his feet and his talons. “My feet can crush almost anything like hammers,” then he bared his fangs. “My fangs razor sharp spears!” he said excitedly. “My fire scourging like the fires of Tartarus itself!”
You forgot to mention you armor being like tenfold shields oh mighty Smaug
well it's true most dragons couldn't beat an alicorn the lack of wings still says spike is a moutain dragon. there must be a hoard large enough to grant him power, or perhaps something else? spike never really got a look into dragon culture, perhaps there is some entity within there culture who could give spike the power he needs. i find it funny the caribouh seem to have avoided the dragons.
Dude, aside from some punctuation mistakes and run-on sentences, you're good, and this hurts to read probably in a way that satisfies you for getting such a reaction out of your readers.
But I've gotta scream this at you: STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND GET TO THE SLAUGHTER ALREADY!! I can't stand more than two chapters further than this!
5511021 Thanks, punctuation and run-on sentences are my Bane, not, scratch that, they're my Mr. Freeze when writting, for the former I have actually gotten better, but for the later? I can't even distinguish them most of the time! Any tips on how to notice and avoid them?
Also, are you psychic? Cause we are 2 chapters away from the bloodbath, well, it begins in chapter 5 but it doesn't REALLY kick in until chapter 6.
PS: This chapter almost made me break my keyboard a couple of times. It was really hard to write the you-know-what part, glad you enjoyed it!
5511222 Read, out loud, an official text such as a book excerpt. Pay attention to the tone of your voice and the length of the pause on each punctuation sign. You'll see how only the shortest ones earn a comma, while in periods your voice pitches down as you finish the sentence. If it's a longer pause without the pitch lowering, it's a semicolon, and if you're about to number or explain things, a colon. Then read what you wrote, also out loud. See how it flows. If something doesn't fit, correct it according to these rules.
One basic rule of punctuation is that it must divide clauses and sentences in a way that you don't get out of breath if reading it out loud. If your lungs fail you, then it's excessively long and needs a readjustment.
As for the overuse of "as", here's the thing: it can substitute "since" or "while", but if you're using it instead of "since", it MUST be preceded by a comma if it's not at the very start of a sentence, and it can NEVER replace "and". So, replace whenever you feel like using "as", resist the impulse and first try to substitute it for "while". If it works, you can alternate between "as" and "while". If it doesn't work, try "since", and if it fits, same thing: alternate between the two. Now, if neither of these work, then DO NOT use it, as it's an "and"-exclusive spot.
Now I wonder what Dainn is doing to give himself Alicorn like abilitys? And it seems the court (who I still am trying to figure out how they can put on trial when there own citizens were enslaved, threatened, or did nothing) is beginning to show sympathy towards him. Which is a problem if there supposed to be impartial. The funny thing is there pointing out how Alicorns are stronger than dragons. I wonder how many would be needed to match one?
5518049 it could be being surrounded by their horns, it could be Discord, or it could be he's naturally that why. Why not have him as high above regular Caribou as Celestia and Luna are to regular ponies?
I can honestly say I hate this so much but I'm reading just for THE FUCKING SLAUGHTER AND REVENGE this is painful especially the celestia part killed me
Oh man.....Spike's broken from the brainwash a chapter ago. Finally seeing what's really happened to his poor town...
He's gotten a prime chance to wipe out Dainn, and to his horror Dainn knows his relationship with Celestia (Tia's his mother, she cared for him since Twilight was much too young to care for a hatching), but instead of calling Spike a traitor and probably marked for death, he has really warped poor Spike's psyche, including incest with his dear mother and aunt (10 times and twice, respectively).
Man, even if they untimately succeed in taking Equestria back from the caribou, there is so much fallout and suffering...I can't seen Equestria ever recovering from something like this, even when that country's biggest chapion and a Prince in his own right, is on trial and more than likely be found guilty and executed. (Martyred, in my opinion---I take it someone's have to take the fall, and it appears that Spike actually volunteered to be the martyr for all the death and destruction--not to mention outright extinction--of the caribou race regardless of how in the right it was)
6251194 I have the same feeling. But I must read this. I have to bring this storyline to an end in my head or I'll always wonder how it ended. Oh and not to mention that even though it's a bloody, gory, story filled with sex, it's amazingly written and makes my heart bleed.
Damn, how is he going to take down Dainn? Is he going to strike the center of his strength, that is good groin? Since that part of him seems to be mostly unprotected.
This chapter was...... Heavy?.... Yes Heavy. While I can't say that the Celestia scene effected me. I'm not angry, sad or even upset. And I don’t know why. However the scene where that fucker smacked the taste (teeth) out of that mares mouth, the Lunacord (Side note how the fuck did they brainwash Discord? I mean he's the fucking god of Chaos and manipulation), and the rape scene with Applejack (last chapter). Yeah that. And, the whole court scenario is the only thing that really irks me in this story. I would probably be more upset if I read the defeat of the Alicorns and Equestria. The Celestia and Luna scene this chapter would have had more of an impact for me that way. That's my one problem with these types of fics. It’s always after the fall, never really focusing on why or how it happened just that it happened. I mean part of me is really siting here like. You couldn't drop the moon on them Luna, no death beams from the sun Tia, no love lasers Cadence, and twilight you are literally the princess of magic I mean you couldn't throw a shield spell together or blast them with friendship? Really? Really? I mean you didn't even notice the army gathering outside your borders? For fucks sakes. And even if there magic armor blocked or repelled a blast from the sun the heat would still kill them. In fact you know what that's the only thing that really pisses me off. You would think after the changeling invasion they would pay attention to there borders and provinces but no, they fucking don't. It's almost like they where begging to be invaded again. On a whole nother side note though....... Does any one else wonder what Molly (The Queen of rape and molestation herself Molestia ) would do in this world. A part of me is thinking that she'd be cool with everything besides her horn getting sawed off.... Oh and the death of her ponies too. But yeah man Chapter was a solid read. I just really want to know how Tia and them was beat, and that's it. That's the only complaint. Ohhh fuck me am I a heartless fuck, for not being effected by the Tia scene. The only problem I have is that Spike was crying because it was against his will, and that's it. It would be much much different if Tia was like Luna and aware of you know the shit she's in. I'm not saying it's alright because she's brainwashed or anything like that. I'm just saying that if he cried or tried to push her off, or fight back in any form or shape it would've had a better/more reslistic affect on me like the Aj scene. Also it's sad that Spike can't handle the touch of females anymore, but you know I get it. It makes sense I just hope he's at peace when this all over at the end. Spike has earned the rest.
You forgot to mention you armor being like tenfold shields oh mighty Smaug
5505438 XD You got the reference
5505675 But of course XD Smaug was the first in my brood of favorite wyrms.
well it's true most dragons couldn't beat an alicorn the lack of wings still says spike is a moutain dragon. there must be a hoard large enough to grant him power, or perhaps something else? spike never really got a look into dragon culture, perhaps there is some entity within there culture who could give spike the power he needs. i find it funny the caribouh seem to have avoided the dragons.
makeameme.org/media/created/U-WOT-M8.jpg
Dude, aside from some punctuation mistakes and run-on sentences, you're good, and this hurts to read probably in a way that satisfies you for getting such a reaction out of your readers.
But I've gotta scream this at you:
STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND GET TO THE SLAUGHTER ALREADY!! I can't stand more than two chapters further than this!
5511021 Thanks, punctuation and run-on sentences are my Bane, not, scratch that, they're my Mr. Freeze when writting, for the former I have actually gotten better, but for the later? I can't even distinguish them most of the time! Any tips on how to notice and avoid them?
Also, are you psychic? Cause we are 2 chapters away from the bloodbath, well, it begins in chapter 5 but it doesn't REALLY kick in until chapter 6.
PS: This chapter almost made me break my keyboard a couple of times. It was really hard to write the you-know-what part, glad you enjoyed it!
5511222 Read, out loud, an official text such as a book excerpt. Pay attention to the tone of your voice and the length of the pause on each punctuation sign. You'll see how only the shortest ones earn a comma, while in periods your voice pitches down as you finish the sentence. If it's a longer pause without the pitch lowering, it's a semicolon, and if you're about to number or explain things, a colon. Then read what you wrote, also out loud. See how it flows. If something doesn't fit, correct it according to these rules.
One basic rule of punctuation is that it must divide clauses and sentences in a way that you don't get out of breath if reading it out loud. If your lungs fail you, then it's excessively long and needs a readjustment.
As for the overuse of "as", here's the thing: it can substitute "since" or "while", but if you're using it instead of "since", it MUST be preceded by a comma if it's not at the very start of a sentence, and it can NEVER replace "and".
So, replace whenever you feel like using "as", resist the impulse and first try to substitute it for "while". If it works, you can alternate between "as" and "while". If it doesn't work, try "since", and if it fits, same thing: alternate between the two. Now, if neither of these work, then DO NOT use it, as it's an "and"-exclusive spot.
5512744 Many thanks =D
5512758 Just apply this knowledge to the future chapters, and I'll consider myself thanked.
Now I wonder what Dainn is doing to give himself Alicorn like abilitys? And it seems the court (who I still am trying to figure out how they can put on trial when there own citizens were enslaved, threatened, or did nothing) is beginning to show sympathy towards him. Which is a problem if there supposed to be impartial. The funny thing is there pointing out how Alicorns are stronger than dragons. I wonder how many would be needed to match one?
5518049
it could be being surrounded by their horns, it could be Discord, or it could be he's naturally that why. Why not have him as high above regular Caribou as Celestia and Luna are to regular ponies?
I can honestly say I hate this so much but I'm reading just for THE FUCKING SLAUGHTER AND REVENGE this is painful especially the celestia part killed me
Oh man.....Spike's broken from the brainwash a chapter ago. Finally seeing what's really happened to his poor town...
He's gotten a prime chance to wipe out Dainn, and to his horror Dainn knows his relationship with Celestia (Tia's his mother, she cared for him since Twilight was much too young to care for a hatching), but instead of calling Spike a traitor and probably marked for death, he has really warped poor Spike's psyche, including incest with his dear mother and aunt (10 times and twice, respectively).
Man, even if they untimately succeed in taking Equestria back from the caribou, there is so much fallout and suffering...I can't seen Equestria ever recovering from something like this, even when that country's biggest chapion and a Prince in his own right, is on trial and more than likely be found guilty and executed. (Martyred, in my opinion---I take it someone's have to take the fall, and it appears that Spike actually volunteered to be the martyr for all the death and destruction--not to mention outright extinction--of the caribou race regardless of how in the right it was)
I can't read this anymore I feel dead inside my heart feels like I have been shanked 20 times and this is only chapter 3
.......,. This is just going to give me a heart attack if I continue
6251194 I have the same feeling. But I must read this. I have to bring this storyline to an end in my head or I'll always wonder how it ended. Oh and not to mention that even though it's a bloody, gory, story filled with sex, it's amazingly written and makes my heart bleed.
Damn, how is he going to take down Dainn? Is he going to strike the center of his strength, that is good groin? Since that part of him seems to be mostly unprotected.
Oh man.... that part with Celestia broke my heart, so terrible to see such a mare gets reduced to such a state of mind
This chapter was...... Heavy?.... Yes Heavy. While I can't say that the Celestia scene effected me. I'm not angry, sad or even upset. And I don’t know why. However the scene where that fucker smacked the taste (teeth) out of that mares mouth, the Lunacord (Side note how the fuck did they brainwash Discord? I mean he's the fucking god of Chaos and manipulation), and the rape scene with Applejack (last chapter). Yeah that. And, the whole court scenario is the only thing that really irks me in this story. I would probably be more upset if I read the defeat of the Alicorns and Equestria. The Celestia and Luna scene this chapter would have had more of an impact for me that way. That's my one problem with these types of fics. It’s always after the fall, never really focusing on why or how it happened just that it happened. I mean part of me is really siting here like. You couldn't drop the moon on them Luna, no death beams from the sun Tia, no love lasers Cadence, and twilight you are literally the princess of magic I mean you couldn't throw a shield spell together or blast them with friendship? Really? Really? I mean you didn't even notice the army gathering outside your borders? For fucks sakes. And even if there magic armor blocked or repelled a blast from the sun the heat would still kill them. In fact you know what that's the only thing that really pisses me off. You would think after the changeling invasion they would pay attention to there borders and provinces but no, they fucking don't. It's almost like they where begging to be invaded again. On a whole nother side note though....... Does any one else wonder what Molly (The Queen of rape and molestation herself Molestia ) would do in this world. A part of me is thinking that she'd be cool with everything besides her horn getting sawed off.... Oh and the death of her ponies too. But yeah man Chapter was a solid read. I just really want to know how Tia and them was beat, and that's it. That's the only complaint. Ohhh fuck me am I a heartless fuck, for not being effected by the Tia scene. The only problem I have is that Spike was crying because it was against his will, and that's it. It would be much much different if Tia was like Luna and aware of you know the shit she's in. I'm not saying it's alright because she's brainwashed or anything like that. I'm just saying that if he cried or tried to push her off, or fight back in any form or shape it would've had a better/more reslistic affect on me like the Aj scene. Also it's sad that Spike can't handle the touch of females anymore, but you know I get it. It makes sense I just hope he's at peace when this all over at the end. Spike has earned the rest.
Totally....