Finale - Bloom
“Welcome, everypony, to Lily’s Homecoming Party!”
The crowd of ponies stomped and cheered as Mayor Mare posed at the podium.
Lily, standing near the temporary stage, raised an eyebrow. I don’t remember Pinkie Pie’s parties being this... formal.
“We have come here to give one of our beloved citizens a warm welcome, in the wake of her recent tragedy. Please welcome our guest of honor… Lily!”
Lily balked at the thundering crowd. She hadn’t counted on this. That does it. No more Pinkie Pie parties, ever, she thought to herself as she sheepishly made her way up to the stage to stand next to the mayor.
She waited for the mayor to say something, but to her horror the old mare was gesturing invitingly to the podium. Lily gulped, and reared up to place her forehooves on the piece.
“Um… Hello, everypony! I, uh, wanted to thank you all for coming to this- to my party. It means a lot to me, and… I hope you all have a great time!”
She hurried off the stage, cheeks burning, as the crowd cheered again. She retook her position at the front of the press, doing her best to be unnoticeable, as Mayor Mare spoke again.
“Thank you, Lily! Now I’ll turn the stage over to Pinkie Pie, who will be announcing the evening’s activities. But stick around, because in an hour I will have another announcement you won’t want to miss!”
After Pinkie Pie gave her musical presentation about the party, the crowd dispersed into small groups of friends. Lily stayed close to the stage. She wanted a word with Pinkie about public speaking.
Before Pinkie got off the stage, however, Lily was approached by Twilight and her other friends. “Hey, Lily! You made it!” Twilight said.
“Yeah, I guess I did,” Lily responded, rolling her eyes back.
“It’s great to see you out of the castle for a change. You’ve met all my friends, haven’t you?”
“All except her,” Lily said, pointing to Applejack.
“Yeah, sorry about that, sugarcube,” Applejack said, rubbing her head. “Ah meant to come meet ya like the others did, but I was too busy out here helpin’ to set all this up. Name’s Applejack. Ah’m Applebloom’s big sister.” She reached out for a hoofshake, which Lily accepted.
“Pleasure to meet you, Applejack. You have a wonderful sister.”
Applejack chuckled and winked as she turned and led the group to where the party activities were set up. “Oh, you have no idea. Just wait until y’see her present for ya.” Lily missed the warning look Twilight gave Applejack, who just shrugged in return.
“Where are those girls, anyway? They wanted me to meet them here.”
“Oh, they have special party duties they’re taking care of right now,” Pinkie Pie said, catching up to them. “You’ll definitely see them later.”
Lily sighed. “So until then I have to do this party thing with you guys?” she guessed, sounding decidedly unenthusiastic.
Twilight and her friends all nodded in affirmation. “Come on, Lily, you’ll love it!” Rainbow Dash assured her, hovering ahead a little. “Pinkie’s really pulled out all the stops for this one! Ooh! Check this game out! It’s awesome!”
And so Lily was wrangled (almost literally, Applejack came prepared) into enjoying the party. And, she had to admit, she actually did have fun. She had been to Pinkie Pie parties before, but never like this. It wasn’t the scope of this particular party that made the difference, though. Before, she had kept to herself and stayed near the refreshments, never dancing and only playing games when she was invited. She stopped enjoying them after the novelty wore off, and eventually she stopped going. But this party… it was like Twilight and her friends were inviting her to every little activity, like they wanted her around for some other reason than her old friends did. Lily didn’t like to think about what that said about her old friends, but it was definitely a refreshing change, whatever it meant.
The only thing that bothered her was that these ponies were almost dragging her into having fun with them. She didn’t mind it, really, but it did make her feel uncomfortable. All her life she had had to make the first step with making friends, so it was jarring when someone wanted to be her friend more than she wanted to be theirs. As the party progressed, however, and Lily became less reluctant to participate and just have fun, she found she liked the change.
When the mayor called everypony back together for her surprise, she surprised Lily by leading everyone off into the orchard, calling Lily and Twilight up to the front to walk beside her. Lily was very confused and asked her what was in store, but the mayor was carrying a lantern in her mouth and couldn’t answer, instead giving a look that clearly said “wait and see”. Lily looked to Twilight, but she just smiled and winked.
They were following what looked like a freshly-made road, lined by a new fence hung with lanterns. I guess this explains all the building materials I saw being delivered, Lily thought as she studied the construction.
Before long Lily began to make out a dark mass ahead, among the trees. She squinted to get a better look, and was startled by a hoof blocking her way. She looked to the mayor, and saw her step a few feet away, where she began waving her lantern over her head.
“SURPRISE!” came a shout from ahead, and numerous little lights suddenly illuminated the dark shape.
Built around a large apple tree, with three familiar grinning fillies standing on the front porch, was a beautiful two-story house.
Lily stepped towards it, her jaw hanging slack. The lanternlight gave it an unearthly, magical feel, and Lily almost didn’t believe what she was seeing.
“You… you built me a house?” Lily asked, turning to the mayor.
The mayor chuckled. “Me? Oh no, dear. I only helped. Applebloom built you a house.”
Lily’s head whipped back to her incredible gift, and Applebloom waved at her. “What?”
Twilight stepped forward and explained. “After the storm, Applebloom came to us with an idea to rebuild the Crusaders’ clubhouse into a house for you to live in. We thought it was an excellent idea, and we gave her all the support she needed, which didn’t turn out to be much. She came up with the blueprints herself, with some help from an architect, and she went around town recruiting volunteers and soliciting donations for materials.” She smirked humorously. “Sometimes it felt like half the town was out here working on it.”
Lily looked behind Twilight to see the crowd of ponies all grinning at her.
“There was something else we wanted to give you,” Twilight's voice brought her attention back to her, “as a token of our friendship and our appreciation for who you are.”
Twilight’s horn lit up, and so did the latch of her saddlebag. A small, ornate wooden box floated out and onto the ground in front of Lily.
Lily opened it with a hoof to reveal a golden flower resting on a bed of soft red velvet.
She took it out of its case and held it up to a hoof to examine it more closely.
A lily.
She looked to Twilight with moist eyes, and saw that she had been joined by her five friends, who were all smiling sweetly at her. “We want you to know that it’s not what you can do or who you are that make you special, It’s having friends who think you are. Will you please be our friend?” Twilight asked hopefully.
Blinking back tears, Lily nodded. “Yes. Yes, of course I will! Thank you all so much!”
“Go thank the one who deserve it most, sugarcube,” Applejack prompted, gesturing with a hoof.
Lily turned and galloped to her new home, stopping in front of the porch. “Did you really do all this for me?” Lily asked in wonder.
“We sure did!” Applebloom answered excitedly. “What d’ya think?”
“This is amazing!” Lily said, eyeing the construction. “You must be really good at this!”
A sudden curiosity made Lily lean to one side to get a better look. A wide grin opened up on her face.
“Better than you ever thought you were, I would say,” she said, pointing at Applebloom’s flank.
“Looks like we might have an opening for a second Cutie Mark Crusader Counselor.”
THE END
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Sequel?
5318983 Well, there are still some other Crusaders who need attention... but not yet. I really want to start writing Embassy. Someday. They'll likely be even shorter, though.
Great first story and great OC. I really liked the idea of an albino pony not being able to see their cutie mark, that was very creative. I look forward to your next story and I like the idea of you focusing on one tag in each story. Thanks for the good read.
Though a bit short, still a sweet story.
An OC pony similar to my own huh? I'll have to check this out for sure.
I'm curious how you handle and explain the albinism.
In a way, it is kinda sad to see that Gilded Lily has been completed, because this is a beautifully written work. And the ending... PERFECTION!!!
Good story, but are you going to make a sequel?
5319121 Someday. Probably a shorter story (or two) or a one-shot. Christmas special?
This was a wonderful story, and the ending? Very heartwarming.
Oh I hope that wasn't too spoilery.
Not great, but not horrible. It has enough strengths to warrant an upvote. Wouldn't mind seeing a sequel, if only to see the other crusaders get there marks and have Twilight realize she can probably use magic to help Lilly discover what her cutie mark is. I mean, if she can transform the mane6 into breezies, a complete species change, then you'd think she'd be able to modify the spell to change a albino into a regular pony temporarily, like, long enough to look at their newly in-color butt. She's suppose to be a wiz at magic, so it shouldn't be out of the realm of possibility.
Alright. I enjoyed this. It was a pretty good story.
If I had to make a criticism of it, I took some issue with the pacing. While I did find this epilogue to be extremely well written and even heartwarming, I do wish there had been more build up before hand.
Lily didn't really get to know the main characters or the townspeople that well. And while them all giving an outpouring of support to her like that was touching, it would have been even more touching if we'd been given chapters showing her making a connection with those people and with the main characters.
In fact, the townspeople had previously been depicted as extremely gossipy about her. And not all of it was positive, thus their immense charity felt a little out of the blue.
I guess, it just would have been nice to see a steady change over a few chapters of the townspeople getting to know her better. Then... BAM! you lay the tear-jerking heartwarming goodness on.
That said. This was pretty good. I've read worse. like, far worse. Like, you have no goddamn idea how worse.
Apparently this was also the first story you've written since your childhood as well? If so, you're off to a good start. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on what you put out in the future.
Wee prob. ^^;
Didn't Lilly meet Applejack when they were sorting through letters in the last chapter?
5320994 No, that was Applebloom, the little yellow one with the bow instead of the hat.
5321039
Ah, okay
Any more chapters, like how she discovers her cutie mark ?
5324482 I know that. I was just being random and saying it because it came up and they were saying it.
5327352 Son of a bitch. You win.
5320644 I dunno, I've read some pretty bad stories here. I might have some idea of what you've read that's worse.
5327377 Well, I know I have. Your use of "might" worries me.
5320644 Those were my exact problems with it as well. I was wondering when someone would call me out on it. Once I got the story outline finished, I pretty much let the story write itself, so I ended up getting to the end really quickly, a lot more quickly than I imagined. Anything I added in after that would've felt filler-y and wouldn't have flowed as well (if the narrative and dialogue flow at all, I can't judge my own writing like that).
I was also getting really excited about my next big story at the time, so that might have been a factor in my hasty writing.
5329789
Yeah, I suppose I missed that, which is odd since I'm usually good about that kind of thing. Anyway, yes, I was honestly expecting her to not have a Cutie Mark. Especially with that teacher's whole "I have failed her," spiel, makes a lot less sense when you realize there's literally nothing she could have done, it's just genetics.
In order to understand why this bugs me you should probably see where I'm coming from. One of the major things in canon that never fails to bother me are the travails of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I see them, determined to see their quest through till the end, yet largely unsupported by adults around them and it just bugs the heck outta me. And whenever they so much as try and ask for some adult help it's always the same dang thing "It'll come in time," or "just keep trying," such advice isn't worth the words wasted on it. And what happens when they express genuine concern that it might never happen? They get brushed off, every. Single. Time. You know, for having already learned this moral once in Lesson Zero, the Mane Six sure forgot it just as quickly!
It all comes down to the fact that nothing in life is certain, there are no guarantees. In fact, from what I've seen the Crusaders actually practice their true talents quite a bit; athletics and daredevil stunts for Scootaloo, singing for Sweetie Belle, and engineering for Apple Bloom, and yet they still have yet to receive their marks (though that isn't to say they don't have talents beyond those things, I like to think that Cutie Marks are at least somewhat flexible and self-determined). Perhaps their worries are more than a little justified. I personally feel that it would be a powerful lesson for the Mane Six to learn that sometimes the fears of children are far from groundless, and that we should all perhaps be just a bit more sympathetic.
All I really want to see is a responsible adult to sit the Crusaders down, explain in simple, uncomplicated, down-to-earth terms what Cutie Marks are, what they do, how you get them, and perhaps offer some genuine advice and counselling. Is that so much to ask? Sometimes I feel as if I'm asking for the Moon instead of basic child rearing.
A beautiful moral, my friend. *nods head respectfully*
5330142 The children's fears thing would make for a great episode. The problem with what you're asking for (which I found out writing this story) is that it kinda ruins the CMC from then on. In Lily they got boring (at least in my opinion) after meeting Lily, and I couldn't imagine writing anything else after the end (I couldn't even give specifics like what I thought her new mark looked like). If they finally understood the pointlessness of Crusading (at least in the intent of finding Cutie Marks), then what would there be left for them to do? It makes for a satisfying ending, but as far as the Crusaders are concerned, it would be the end of their story.
5329803
In regards to your concerns about the dialogue, I thought it sounded fine. You captured the characters voices well enough, and the OC's sounded natural, so I think you're okay there.
Looking forward to this next story of yours. Best of luck writing it!
Me gusta
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5335076 Holy freak. Thanks!
5330534
PenStroke (in Past Sins) added Twist to the CMC saying that the Crusaders help each other discover their talents even after they find their own. RealityCheck took that idea and fleshed it out in his sequels. However my favorite, awesomest story about what happens next for the CMC is Three Hundred and Fifty!
5343531 Sure, but it's the idea that Crusading works that gives them their motivation. Take that away (either by convincing them it doesn't, or maybe shaking their faith in ever getting them in the first place), and they lose a lot of their fun. Of course they would keep going after one of them succeeds, probably with that member's help, but if they decided Crusading isn't productive, why would they want to help someone else do it?
5579972 Or they didn't, until Snape told them (on page 394!). I already knew it. Makes sense for "Equiwolf" to become "Echowolf", doesn't it? Sounds stupid, but makes sense.
Good day, fellow writer. I'm LAE, here on behalf of WRITE, from whom you requested a review for this story. I don't really have much use for preamble, so I'll just get into the reason I'm here. As always with me, remember that these are just largely my opinions and thoughts on the craft of writing. I have a tendency to be blunt, but hopefully you can take what I have to say as the advice it is. No one is forcing you to take what I say as gospel—I just offer it as good, first-hand experience that I feel can help you out.
Mechanics:
Really, there's almost nothing to say here. Admittedly, I wasn't exactly going over this with my finest-toothed editor's comb, but I didn't notice anything really wrong. No real typos or glaring mechanical errors. Certainly nothing that would distract a reader from the story. One could always get into arguments over whether or not ellipses are valid to use in dialogue, but frankly, I couldn't care less. You did well here.
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Characterizations:
Boiled down to its essence, this is a classic "OC Meets the Mane 6 and They All Become BFFs" storyline. This has its own issues (more on that later), but because of that, this story thrives on its portrayals of canon characters that we all already know. In this, I feel like there's a bit of a gulf between the story and the show. Some of this is due to the writing style (again, later), but most of the characters just felt sort of interchangeable to me. Like it wasn't Pinkie or Twilight in the story, but other ponies acting the parts of these characters. You captured some of the actions and reactions that make these characters, but the dialogue in a lot of places just felt generic and forced. As far as improving this goes, really get into the essence of your characters. Don't think about how the story needs them to react and respond to things, think about how they would respond.
Style and Craft:
Okay, here's where we get into some meaty issues. First off, this story is trying WAY too hard. There's an extremely disconcerting amount of needless specificity in this story (and in quite a few fanfics I've read recently, come to think of it...), and in some cases, it actually hurts the flow of the story. For instance, take Pinkie's little dentistry escapades. Even just assuming that Pinkie has dentistry tools "Because Pinkie Pie", why does she need to ask for a #23 whatever? It would be so much more in character for her to have an unexplained set of tools and have almost no idea what they are. "Pass me the hooky thing, with the hook!" sounds much more like something she would say. Also, why are your chapters titled like they are? I get that you're going for a "flowers" motif, but it has nothing to do with your story. Even the idea of flowers themselves is completely irrelevant. You'd have been better off just giving the chapters a number and not drawing attention to them. You're distracting the reader from the story itself, which is kind of the point of getting someone to read it.
Even laying that aside, one of the largest issues (and the number one way I know you're trying too hard as a writer) is the overwhelming presence of the dreaded Said Bookisms. Given what you titled your story, and the fact that you even explicitly called out the inherent meaning in the phrase in your story, it's deeply and worryingly ironic that you made your writing so very, very flowery. Your dialogue should need very few tags to help it along, and in about 80% of the cases where it is needed, "said" and "asked" should be used to cover it. If you're feeling the need to use something like "begged", "concluded", or similar, you'd better be pairing that with some sort of physical action that compliments the verb. Relying on Said Bookisms is hack writing stuff, and it really takes all the air out of your story, because when you're trying to draw attention to EVERY sentence, then nothing stands out at all. Said Bookisms, like profanity, alliteration, and most other writing tropes are largely used to make certain portions of a text stand out more, to draw the audience's attention. The more sparingly you utilize them, the more impact they have. The Bard said it best: "Brevity is the soul of wit."
Having gotten past that, though, there's still the issue of the story as a whole to delve into. I will give you upstanding, enthusiastic, mad props for largely avoiding the Mary Sue. There's several points that could be waved to as Sue markers in Lily's character, but I don't really think she fell into that hole. The plot, though, is almost archetypical of the Mary-Sue-character-driven story, and you made at least one of the major problems these stories often display: There's no conflict whatsoever.
Conflict IS story. That's almost a universal trait of storytelling, especially in the Western storytelling tradition. Your main character was largely absent throughout the story (I'm just labeling your OC as the main character, even though it's actually almost impossible to tell just who this story is actually about), did almost nothing, and didn't directly affect the plot in any meaningful way. Stuff just sort of happened to and around her. While this can occasionally be done well (the Hunger Games series actually handled this extremely effectively for the first two books), at some point your protagonist has to, you know, do something to affect the plot, otherwise there's just no reason for them to be there. A character who merely reacts is not a compelling character, and it's not interesting to read. To make this story/character combo compelling, I'd recommend something along the lines of following Lily through answering the letters. I can't think of a better framing device for flashbacks than that, as we can see how Lily's past and her overcoming obstacles and prejudices gave her the wisdom she needs to answer the letters, but frankly, we don't even get that she has that much in this version. In fact, she all but outright says that she doesn't actually care about the letters, and that she's just BS-ing all of her advice to needy ponies. That's borderline cruel.
Final Verdict:
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The Scores, Explained
Closing Remarks:
Kurt Vonnegut is an amazingly talented writer, and while I don't agree with several things he says about fiction, his 8 Basics of Creativity are a pretty decent starting point for writers to evaluate their own work. Unfortunately, in this case, they stand as a mirror to show where this story needs help. The two points I would leave you with are:
- "Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water." In your story, there's no knowing Lily. We don't get anything about her, aside of a few odd glimpses of apathy, antipathy towards others, and a general angst about a condition whose effects are largely lost on the reader. These do not a good character make.
- "Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted." This is the first rule for a very good reason, and sadly, this is where I have to draw the line on Gilded Lily. After reaching the end, I was left with absolutely no feelings whatsoever. The story meant nothing to me, and I just felt like my time wasn't spent well.
Bear in mind, this is not to say this story is hopeless, or that you're not a decent writer, because you have the tools you need, and you write pretty well overall. You just need practice and—above all else—focus. The next time you start a story, I'd highly suggest that you really sit down, think about what your story is about and what you're trying to say with it, and then try to make everything you do with that story help foster that creative ideal.
- LastAmongEquals, WRITE's Prodigal Son
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5591432 Thank you so much! That was the most helpful review I've gotten so far. Much more so than the EqD one I got. I recognized most of these things after I wrote them, and I really lost interest about halfway through. I've spent the past two months planning out my next story, and it's still nowhere near being published yet. I hope I've learned some things since my first one.
Thank you for reading through till the end. This was the first story I've written since about fifth grade, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Boy, I know that feeling. I had stopped writing fora t least 3 years before I discovered Fim. This was an amazingly cute story. I do have to wonder about the fandom's fascination with giving Apple Bloom that particular mark all the time, instead of finding something new. But I guess it makes sense. Thank you for the nice read.
6169303 Did I really do that? That's what I get for
rightingwriting in the middle of the night.6252402 Someday I will majorly rewrite this whole thing, and that may end up being more important.
Have a up vote.
Oh and a fav.