Jingle
Joined 21st Sep, 2013 ·
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Whoa. I've actually never read a clop story like this. And that's a good thing!
Just about every other clop story this length is filled with nothing but sex for a reason. It's hard to make convincing and passionate clop in few words. Yet somehow, you delay the sex in this fic to what, three-quarters of the way through? And it STILL turns out alright! The exposition really seems to help it here.
I do, however, have a few issues with the story, if you wouldn't mind me voicing them
.
That's . . . awfully quick for a confession scene. You write about Fluttershy's vantage on Rarity's arousal, but nothing about Rarity's actual emotional connection with Fluttershy in the first place. The confession seems too genuine to be attributed solely to alcohol. A peek into Rarity's inner thoughts or a little explanation into her emotions would really help here.
Second, I want to direct you to my favorite line in this fic:
I don't think I've read that "tail spreading scent" bit before in any other clop fic that I can recall. It's these little unique descriptive bits here that contribute to the atmosphere of clop and enhance the passion in it. I really wish you'd have elaborated on this bit more. What's Rarity's response? How does Fluttershy use this turn-on mid-coitus? Does she keep doing it? Y'know, stuff like that!
All in all, despite my comments, I did enjoy this fic. Two thousand word clop fics really make me cautious about their content, but you pull this one off quite well!
5222310
Thank you so much for all the comments and advice! About your point on that bit of dialogue, I completely agree. I was really struggling to keep their conversation going, so I just sort of through that in there, and frankly I'm glad you pointed that out. I will definetly edit that at some point when I have time.
Once again, thanks for the comments!
Hey, just a head's up, I did a reading of this story. I'm sending it over to someone at the moment to make the video (it's a cross-collab thing) and I'll link it to you as soon as it's up.
Have fun.
For now, this is the kind of stuff you should expect:
5230899 That's awesome! I've never had anyone make reading for me. I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Have fun.
5270437 Thanks so much for making that! It turned out really well.
Well-paced and I do like how Rarity stopped pouring. She didn’t want alcohol do the talking for her which makes the confession of love that much more heart felt.
Rarity is a creature of elegance and etiquette. One scene that seemed off to me is Rarity carrying her sewing basket in her mouth. I can’t see her ever doing that since she is a master of levitation. Still the same effect could be had with her loosing concentration on seeing Fluttershy that the magic falters and the basket still ends up on the floor. Being a pony of etiquette she may use her magic to pour and serve, but she would hoof the drink to her lips the same way Fluttershy would.
The bedroom scene was tastefully done. Enough information to let the reader know what is happening with enough left out for the reader’s imagination to take hold and fill in the blanks.
And I also found the tail flicking the scent to be a brilliant piece of writing.
5397340 Thank you so much for your advice and comments! It means a lot to me.