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Luna Is The Best Pony4,630 stories ·7,265 members
The New Lunar Republic767 stories ·1,789 members
This story is a sequel to Solar Eclipse: The Messenger
After the events in Solar Eclipse: The Messenger, Blackbird sets off on his directive for the New Lunar Rebellion. Blackbird's mission is simple: take pictures of the Canterlot Castle ground, but simple and easy are two very different concepts.
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Not quite sure what to say about this intro, it seems a bit rushed and unpolished. So allow me to give some constructive criticism. (Because I care,
)
I only really found two things wrong that bugged me personally, so I am just going to point those out now.
First, I believe you could have went into more detail about what he was doing. I have to admit, you left it as vague here as you did in the last story. I know it is pretty obvious that he is spying on Celestia's troops, but the specifics are pretty much left in the dark. Although this can be somewhat of a good thing, it can also be a bad thing depending on what you plan on doing with it. I believe it is fine leaving details vague in order to make them more interesting and mysterious as the plot develops. However, if this is as detailed as it is going to get, it completely makes the whole thing pointless and boring. (--->
Apple Jack is sleepy due to lack of mystery! Give us at least some hints that all of this is bigger than just a scout mission.)
Second, we know absolutely nothing about Blackbird. Now, before you point out that this is just an intro and there is not really any chance for character development yet, allow me to point something out.
) The character just comes off as typically boring. Sorry for having to be this brutally honest. 
)
So far, there is Absolutely Nothing about Blackbird that strikes my interest, no sort of mystery or emotion to him that is identifiable. Even in a intro, a writer should give at least a demo version of their main character, allowing the readers a sense of their personality and maybe some indirect history, but there was none of that.
I literally cannot find anything that made him stick out of the crowd in this intro, no sort of mystery to him, no personality as far as I can see, and pretty much matches the description of a bad OC. All I see is a pegasus named Blackbird who: is a spy, knows how to remain undetected at high altitudes, and just got his wing nearly blown off by some asshole royal guard for taking a few pictures. (Guess they don't like tourists...
(Don't take any of this personally, I am sure the character is well thought out, you just didn't show any of it here, and that is the problem. Consider it tough love from someone who cares. If you need any help in finding a way to fix this character problem, I can help you. Just pm me.
Those were my observations, if you can fix those, it will definitely improve the intro and attract reader's attention. Other than that, keep up your glorious works.
PS: Don't you dare give up on this one, or I will have to hunt you down...
Don't worry, the intent was to focus on breaking blackbird into a situation where he does not know how to react to the situation (eg getting left to die on the top of a mountain) The interest will pick up, but I felt a need to establish a setting, urgency, motive, and rather unoriginal character for the story to work out later on. It definitely picks up in later chapters, but for now Blackbird is boring, because what he was doing was boring to him. For now you are going to have to take my word for it, but it will get better, I promise.
5212773 Alright, I trust you, but what I am really trying to say is that others might not. Unless your readers are REALLY analytical or at least VERY imaginative, they will take one look at this and lose interest due to nothing really going on with the character or the story itself. Hell, If I didn't personally know you are a very good writer, I would have likely just passed this one up and never looked back to even think about what it could have been (unless of course, I felt like exercising my inner critic
).
To me, and perhaps other readers, the intro just doesn't feel complete and doesn't gain and keep the reader's attention like it should.
5214949 I gotchya, but right now, revising the intro is not my number one priority at the moment. (I just started NaNoWrimo and all of my free time is now gone) But I plan to redo the intro in the future.