It's Nightmare Night once again, and Diamond Tiara is feeling mischievous. She remembers an old story about this abandoned train station that was closed down due to a massive accident long ago.
She finds the mysterious station and the tunnel leading up to it, and persuades the Cutie Mark Crusaders to join her on her journey into the pony-made cavern.
This story was inspired by the urban legend simply known as the Silverpilen Ghost Train. It supposedly haunts the Metro stations of Stockholm, Sweden, appearing late at night. A very interesting tale, if I do say so myself.
The cover art in particular is a picture of the abandoned Kymlinge station. The station is linked to the legendary train's story as being where the passengers of Silverpilen "get off".
Needs a continuation!
Sorry, but I can see a lot of things that don't work in this story.
The biggest problem is Diamond Tiara's behavior. The reason why she was going to that train station in the first place was because she wanted to scare Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, but this didn't work as they refused to enter the tunnel.
So why was she going into it? She never intended that and she even said that by herself.
Another thing I would suggest to you is that you shouldn't put Diamond Tiara in the victim role.
It is tragic what happened to her, but the tragicness can't really enfold itself because of her attitude to constantly bully Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle in a cruel way.
You just can't feel so much for her, the constantly cruel bully, and that Diamond Tiara was walking into that train and got taken away from it is more provoking glee than anything else.
One of the Cutie Mark Crusaders would have better worked as the victim (as much as I hate it to say that; but story-wise it would be the best way to go) if you want to go for a tragedy.
5211736 First of all, thanks for the constructive criticism. This was the first comment I actually received of this kind on one of my stories, and these should help me progress as a writer.
Secondly, I originally had placed one of the CMC as the main victim(s) of the story, but later on decided to change that to give the bully what she had coming to her, but in a bit more intense of a way than necessary. I figured it would be more logical for them to be scared off by her story rather than to tag along.
The main tragedy of the story was to be Silver Spoon's reaction to what happened to her friend. I understand Diamond Tiara's role in the story made her very unlikeable, up to the point of the reader possibly rejoicing at the ending, but Silver Spoon was still a very loyal friend to her, and to see what happened to her would break her heart.
In response to why she went in the tunnel even after the CMC left, curiosity got the better of her. She hadn't originally expected to do it, but after hearing the story and remembering its significance to her, she decided to enter the abandoned station anyway, even with the only source of light being the sun.
Perhaps I should have worded things a bit clearer in the story, I will work on that in the future.
Thanks for commenting
Good Halloween story.