- Member Since 28th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
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Dude living in Michigan. Been writing since middle school. I love games and playing piano. Married to a lovely artist.
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Joined 28th Oct, 2014 ·
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You sir, how have you gotten this many chapters an no nothing?
5199683 I kept it to myself for a long time. Finally decided to release it to you guys.
I don't actually give a flying feather wheather or not an Oc is an Alicorn.
So long as the story's good!
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Even if he is mortal and just a pegasicorn.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. x2
Nuff said.
Wow. These points exclude each other. You want to make your story look like it is a sequel to original FoE? Write in original FoEverse.
You know, FoEverse has its own rules. And you know, you are violating them. Why the hell do you need FoEverse in this? Make your own postapocalyptic verse and do whatever you want.
The text is, surprisingly, good enough, but still.
5200706
Doesn't that kind of invalidate all of those "nopes" earlier?
And I'm aware that FoE has rules. This does follow them. You don't know my reasons for making my name the same as the protagonist, but this isn't some kind of self-insert story. If you're willing to admit that the text is good, I would invite you to humor me and see what I do with it. Then you would have better grounds to criticize.
5200806
Nope. The quality of text isn't the same as quality of story. You can write well, but you can come up with OOCs, Mary Sues and other kind of trouble. All written in a text that is nice to read and doesn't make eyes bleed.
Really? No, it doesn't.
Alicorn/pegasicorn as a son of earthpony and unicorn? Unbelievable. I don't have anything against alicorns... as long they are within the verse. I won't give anything against your character if his parents were alicorns (the ones that from Marypony, not others made up for something), I won't give anything against him if he had powers like teleportation or invisiblity like normal alicorns in FoE do. But no, you had to come up with something that fits only your headcanon.
The verse is given you as a basis to make your own story - or rather to tell a story, that is - but not for making excuses to put something only you like.
Really? Right now it looks like one. I can see most of tropes of such self-insert stories: unique hero, cool stuff that makes him even more unique (sword. Like, swords are so typical for FoE. And this sword is even gifted to protagonist by nopony else but Calamity!), close realtions with canon (and you specifically show it! You could just put a small sentence "I am a friends with Calamity" or something, but no.) - I really hope that you asked Kkat before taking her characters.
I am willing to say what I don't like and what I like in story.
My better ground would be another people with serious attitude who would say same things as I have said.
Oh, and you killed Ditzy. Wow. Can you come up with something better than this? Can I kill Blackjack in my fanfic, people?
I have no idea why this story has so many dislikes, I personally find it a good read!
5205321
What is this?
5205317
UQUERILSYA shtole SOOQA?
5205344
DoSaR:
the Day of Sunshine and Rainbows, meaning the end of the original FoE. After that day, the cloud cover was no more. Make of that what you will.
5205428
Oh, thanks a lot. I don't know a lot of terms, after all, I am used to slightly different.
It's not all that bad, but there are a few things about the look of the story you should change. I bet Spike's mustache that those are the main reason for the dislikes you get:
- first and foremost:
Spacing.
You don't do it, but you should, for obvious reasons.
Reading a story on a monitor is exhausting enough,
There's no need to save paper by not doing space-lines between paragraphs. And not doing it to make it "look like a real book" isn't going to work out well either. You haven't got pages here, you've got one single page, so you have to give the readers' eyes something to cling on.
In short: just do space lines in between your paragraphs.
- the amount of chapters and words you uploaded at once is... massive. But massive isn't always good. Throwing that many words at a readers will most likely scare them off rather than suck him or her in. It's like your teacher/professor/overman gives you a manual or something with thousands of pages. You will be pissed because he wants you to read all that stuff at once.
Try to upload chapter by chapter in the future to give people time to digest what you wrote.
The comprehension-questions at the end of each chapter...
Well, they're not technically wrong, but they seem a bit... cocky. Like writing down "Hey, why don't you talk with me about how awesome and well written my characters are!"
Not technically wrong, but I wouldn't recommend doing that.
Alicorn as a son of earth pony and unicorn?
Yeah... no.
Look, I'm noone who criticizes the usage of weird pony genetics to get a pegasus into the wasteland or a stable or an unicorn into the Enclave, but it was never ever shown that alicorns are born that way. If so, why wouldn't there be more of them running around in the wasteland? Be consequent with what you set up.
Apart from that you need all three races'... genes? Will? I honestly don't know, but two parts (earth pony and unicorn) shouldn't be enough to form an alicorn. Where would the wings come from?
I've nothing against alicorn OCs either, but again consequence is the whole deal. As 5200912 said, build up a believable way, because if you don't it seems like this is just a self-insert protagonist. And those are often disliked.
Have the alicorns breed (since this is apparently past Sunshine and Rainbows) or (if you have to) try introducing some way to connect Ebonmane's lineage to that of ancient alicorns like Celestia.
As I said, from what I read it's not really bad, but - again - due to the lack of spacing and in-your-face amount of chapters, I wasn't able to do much reading.
5226372 For some context.
The story is spaced like that because when I wrote it, I didn't want to have to scroll through 400 pages instead of 200. It's how novels are formatted, and this is novel length. It's pretty whatever.
As for upload length, most of the pony fanfiction I've written was done about a year ago with no intention to be uploaded ever. I'm only now deciding which stuff to upload at all. If people feel overwhelmed, that is also whatever.
I'm going to nitpick and say that the questions are for "analysis" not "comprehension." There's a lot of layering and subtlety in this story, and even though I'm not going to stand atop my own little ramparts and defend every aspect about this story's quality, knowing full well it's not great writing, it is good and the questions are meant to get people to dig a little deeper.
As for the only criticism actually dealing with the narrative itself, there is a reason the protagonist is an alicorn, and that reason is central to the plot of the story. It kind of sounds like you haven't read that far yet, and I suspect that when you get there you'd still be calling mary sue, but let me posit the idea that "mary sue" and "bad character" are not synonymous.
Beyond that, there are lots of valid criticisms for this story. Protagonist is really angsty. There's too much reflection and not enough action. My worldbuilding isn't nearly as complete or vivid as K-Kat's. The story lacks a lot of the video-gamey feel that the original had in sacrifice to my storytelling methods. These are all things that warrant fixing. Saying "I don't like the protagonist's race" is not constructive criticism because if I changed it, there wouldn't be a story in the first place.
5226444
That's the problem I'm talking about. This isn't a novel in book-format. We've got no pages that gives our eyes orientation. YOu need to space stuff out, because the readers' eyes grow tired very quickly with a format like this, that doesn't allow for simple orientation via paragraph-end-spaces. And further more, a wall of text like this will scare many readers off.
And who profits when fewer people read your story? That's right, nobody at all.
But I can't do more than pointing those things out. The reaction is up to you.
5199735 when do you think the next up date will be?? kinda harsh to leave this story as is
5428785
Half of it is when I get around to it. I'm attempting to work on a real-ass serious novel, and I doubt I'll work on this until I get that finished. Hopefully it'll be done in January, but no guarantees.
The other half all depends on reader interest. I didn't plan on updating it unless someone, whether they be online readers or people I know in real life, said I should. Either way, your comment alone does let me know that at least someone would like me to finish it, and that's enough for me!
5429015 a lot of readers are just waiting for an update and i was seeing that all the chapters where posted in one day and its not complete?? this is where you lose readers... as just coming into the FoE world it self you did an exalt job of writing this story and all the haters in FoE can go fuck them selves
the story does not appear too enticing on a first look: conrtaddiction in the header\tag, random alicorn, and the characther appear to be a self-insert. reading set most thing right, but those fact cause more often than not passing over from possible readers. but at least the cover is good to go
the end chapter analisis are terrible, they do not make readers think about the interations, they taunt them with a "did you realize what I did there?" effect. downloading the stuff on a e-reader spared me until I came back to check today, but those things would have stopped me at the 3th chapter at best othervise. the stofy flows perfectly without any external need
the story itself is good, and while not too fast paced, it keeps going somewhere. but it already separated itself from canon by moving the SPP central hub fron Neightvarro to the tower in the Everfree, so I would modify the description.
this said, I like how the stor is comin togeder and I wait for more updates
5845664 You know, now that I'm looking back on this a few months later, you're right. End chapter descriptions were just a bad idea, so I'll be taking them out. I'm not sure what I was thinking.
As for Ebonmane being a self-insert, he is and he isn't. When I first designed him, he was intended to simply be a ponysona without any plans to include him in fanfiction. The only reason I made him an alicorn is because I couldn't decide between pegasus and unicorn and I thought it wouldn't matter.
But when I got the idea for this story, I knew the protagonist would have to be an alicorn, and he fit the bill. By the time I started writing it, though, his personality was too distant from me to really identify with him. While some aspects of him are certainly very mary sue-ish, I'm okay with there being some mistakes like that. After all, it's only fanfiction.
As for the placement of the SPP, I may have simply screwed up. I haven't read the original FoE since I finished it, so some details are a bit hazy. I may go back and fix it.
But that won't be for a while, because I've still got school and am working to complete a real-ass, serious novel (devoid of any mary sues). This will remain on hiatus until those are no longer obstacles. Thanks for your patience and feedback though. Hope this clarified some things.
I'm reading this because I'm curious as to why you have so many downvotes. It looks like it's mainly because you did everything you could to make it look like you're writing a crappy, self-insert mary-sure of a character that borders on troll fic even though it's actually entirely serious and not half-bad. Why in the world though are the main character from Fallout Equestria friends with him though? I mean, they're essentially celebrities now, but they're just hanging around, doing average pony stuff and becoming old friends with an alicorn that nobody knows how, or wants to know even, happened.
Did this pony, who's essentially an aunt to and loves Ebonmane, actually suspect Ebonmane to rape/beat Silver Bell?
Why didn't Calamity give her the good guns? Also, if Ditzy's business became so successful, why couldn't she afford to hire an armed contingent of guards to accompany her?
yes.
Can't believe it it's alive it's allllliiiiiivvveeee
Don't give up on your story it's really good
10336903
I'm on a roll and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.
Please let him find a baby foal on road and they decide to take care of it together