I wanted a computer that could shoot crystals onto the page. Needless to say, I got screwed. Instead, I use my imagination to pull my viewers into a state of total awe.
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Set in the backdrop of 50's noir Hell's Bakery, Los Pegasus. These gripping crime thrillers stars Serendipity Eggstrum Ponetti. An unforgettable story of loss and redemption as our anti-hero tries to get rich quick. In a city with four million stories, this is only one of them.
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I got to say i enjoyed the story keep up the good work.
Not quite what I was expecting, a few spelling mistakes here and there, but definitely good.
My advice: First get some cover art, people are attracted to it and more likely to read the story. Two: make this a multi-chapter story, you've created a great character and a good set up for a story, so why not write it as one?
This is great!
It is good, I can't remember the last time I was actually interested in an OC, but you made it great.
The story itself is very fresh and kept me reading more and more, the only fault I see with this is that near the end it felt a bit rushed and it's way too short, you should probably expand it or make it a short multi-chapter story.
Edit: Also, find a proper cover art, it will attract more people to it, a cover art acts sort of like a "serious story here" kind of mark.
Good job. This was a good read. Keep up the good work.
I can tell you a new writer. It's not bad, not really good, but not bad. Better then most beginners. You should look for an editor just in case. At least your doing well. While I didn't take interest in the story, others seemed to have so your getting a feel of it.
Not bad I like it
Saw a few spelling errors but not many, to be honest its not my kinda story, I prefer action adventure and fantasy types like the one I'm writing.
But this was well written, though I wasn't really sure what was going on.
I hope you do well in your next story as well.
~Urimas Ebonheart~
Strangle, I hope you mean. But, overall, this was a really good story. I really liked the mystery around the main character, as it is one of the driving points of the story. That, and what the Butterfly was and how the guy got it. However, there are a lot of things exposed here that can progress the story as a singular story, instead of going on and making other stories. I have a strong feeling you can pull off a novel with this idea, as you definitely have the means of doing so. Also, it's a little more convenient for the readers to hop to chapters than other stories. But, if you want it to be a more or less "random adventures" series, I can see where you're coming from.
But, again, this is a really good story that you can flesh out a little more, a minor disappointment since the series is to continue. There are some structural and spelling errors you might want to read backwards to, but these are minor as well. Keep up the good work!
(Also, I may read your other stories; you might gain a follower after that. :D)
Allllllrighty. Overall the premise is solid.
There were a few issues with tense and improper word usage. I feel like this needs more substance. Where did he get the necklace? Who is her husband? Why did he steal it? But for the length that it is, it's not bad.
My advice would be to head over to the Writers Group and look around for a proofreader. Sometimes it helps to bounce ideas and other thoughts off of another person. Other than that, keep practicing. You're on the right track.
5113115
Ah, seems I wasn't the only one to get that message.
Not bad, I like it.
There were some grammar and spelling issues that I noticed, but I think most of the previous commentators already brought it up. I mostly read romance, very rarely do I read anything that didn't have a romance tag.
That aside though, not a bad read, I thoroughly enjoyed the feel of this fic, I think it flowed rather nicely, it had a kind of noir-esque feel to it (which is a plus), though I think it would've felt even more noir-ish if you described the setting before you introduced/described Mrs. Rose.
Alright. Let's get down to business, shall we? First off are the facts. You have a few spelling errors and wonky sentences, but overall it's cleanly wrote. Now for my opinion.
The story idea is alright, it needs to be refined a bit, but definitely show s potential
I give it a 7/10
OK. You like my story. But, you've got to admit yours is better!
I am so serious, I ended that sentance with PHOTO FINISH! This is a great story!
Hello, my good sir! Remember me?
Okay, so you asked me to give your story a read, and I have done. So, here is my review.
Ahem.
First of all, the setting seems pretty good. The description could say a little more about what exactly this story is going to be about.
I agree with some of the other comments that there are a few fixes needed in your story to polish it up, but ignoring them for now the story looks like it is written well. The ending took me by surprise, since if the necklace was that valuable I thought he would went ahead and sold it, so when I read that part about throwing it into the river, I was taken aback. All that effort just to throw it away? His character may have more to him than I initially thought. Be sure not to break the personality you've set for him. This strange behavior has me personally interested, though I don't know how other people here feel about him.
And I also agree that you should get some cover art. It will help make your story stand out more when you come to update future chapters.
You kept to a decent pace in your writing. You didn't make the whole meeting too clear to me until I actually read further into the story. I didn't know why the mare was acting like she was around this, Mt Ponetti was his name? So, I was compelled to read further on until I started to understand why she was so agitated and hostile towards this character. You also stayed focused on the primary subject which was the conversation between the two characters, whereupon some new writers would break away sometimes to write about the scenery going on around the main focus as an excuse to write more words then are needed, to provide unnecessary filler.
Simple, clear, but just needs those few mistakes polishing up.
So, overall, I reckon this is a good start. I'm no great writer myself, so I don't know how valuable my input is to you, but I've given you my honest opinions and so I hope this is useful enough.
I like this story. Find a good cover art or make your own up, and this story might be able to go somewhere.
You receive a bro-hoof from me for your effort, good sir.
- UniqueSKD
I thank you all for reading. I get a great feeling whenever I write something that other people liked. I appreciate all you comments and I will work on advancing my writing skills. I consider all of you my friends, as I'm fairly new (2 months). Again, thank you for all the constructive criticisms.
A billion bits to all of you,
M.D
All you need is an editor. Very nice story! I can give you a more detailed breakdown when I get home from work.
I love noir! Yes, I'll read this! Let's do this! Also, here's a few relevant wiki pages:
Noir Genre
The Main Character
An Essential Quality (Check out the quotes page)
The Woman
Alright, you're clearly opening with a monologue (plus or minus the private eye part), and that's perfect. However, it doesn't roll of the mental tongue the way it should. It's almost there. When I read it, I knew I was reading a noir story, but I kept tripping over complex sentences and 3+ syllable words.
Remember, the main character of a noir tale is highly intelligent, but poorly educated. His words are simple and colloquial (for the 50's), brusque even. His sentences are short and avoid commas like the plague, often containing only a single clause. It there are multiple clauses, introductory clauses are rarely longer or shorter than 2-4 words. Where his intelligence is shown is in how he speaks. The noir lead will think in metaphors and similies (primarily the former), use alliteration, dabble in parallelism, flourish double meanings, and toy with extended metaphors.
Here's a parody of the noir genre demonstrating exactly what I'm talking about.
Notice first that the scene and atmosphere is set before anything happens. In particular, it opens with a discussion of the weather, a classic technique, but that is optional. In your story, you jump first into describing the woman (not a femme fetal, yet she bares many of the qualities of one; it works here, but you could consider making her more competant). You only then go on to describe the lead and the circumstances. It could work this way, but in any noir piece, you really have to pull people into the atmosphere/mood with your first paragraph or it all falls apart.
Speaking of the atmosphere, good work overall, although perhaps a bit too middle class for our lead if I read it right. He really should be somewhere further downtown, especially in a place like Los Pegasus (I didn't get a feel for if this was supposed to be Los Angeles [extended canon] or Las Vegas [intended canon]).
Now as the narration goes on, at its heart, everything said is great. But you keep hitting the same problems as the opening monologue with how it is said. You have to be very careful with word choice in noir pieces.
Right, so dialogue. The first few lines are very clunky. For instance,
I can't do anything with that. At first, it sort of sounds like she's trying to work her wiles on Ponetti (wouldn't this be a female name?) like a femme fetal would, but then she turns out to speak the words like they were a poison. And later she buckles under the pressure very quickly. Her words are in alignment with your earlier descriptions of her, but I expected a femme fetale, so I got a strong sense of disconnection when I read her second line.
Also, our narrator wouldn't just say "she said" or "I said" with these kinds of lines. This is the point when you queue her eyelashes to start batting and such. The noir lead is observant and reads people like a book. He knows what people are really thinking.
As the story goes on, the dialogue gets better, but remember, in written noir, the real dialogue is in the narration. Don't let talking in the story break the flow of the lead talking to the reader.
Now that I get to it, here's an example of a revision.
First off, don't use all caps. Capslock is not cruise control for cool. A simple exclaimation marks is sufficient, or perhaps bold text if her voice is magically amplified beyond the physically possible. Next, put a period after that she said, and strike out that obviously. It just doesn't work like this. Try something to the effect of:
Notice the double meaning of green eyes. Her eyes are green, and we associate green with money. That is the kind of stuff a noir lead does without even noticing it. The sentences are also short and to the point.
And now we come to the ending. I liked the direction you took it, but it needs some expanding. You introduced a 'they' that we know nothing about. This is fine, but put the mysterious 'they' at the beginning of the story so it doesn't appear abruptly at the very end and disappear just as quickly. I especially enjoyed that Ponetti threw the necklace away (and his justification for why he performed the con), but I didn't get a very solid sense of why he did it. I can grasp at straws, but I can't quite put together the details into something that I consider the 'definately right' answer.
Overall, a solid story that was reasonably well executed. Take the time to polish it until it shines, and you'll have something great.
I would be lying if I said I didn't care if this made the feature page or not. I would love to have more people see it. I thank all of my loyal readers. If you could suggest this to others, then I'd be grateful. Please Like and Comment below.
A billion bits to you (and one for me),
M.D
A great noir story of extortion and deceit. Well done
Keep it up
Better.
I deleted my message to all of you. I have opened a blog in case anyone is interested. I'll try to update it daily and I'm sorry for the misconception.
A billion million trillion bits to all of you,
Matthew DePointe
P.S I love French names!
Yes, as said so many times in the past, this story has its shares of bad grammar. Even so, I enjoyed reading this story! Keep it up, pal
You asked me to read the story and I loved it. Truth be told, the only noir-esque shows I ever seen were from the cartoons like Tom and Jerry which had episodes set in that genre. However, I do feel like you were spot on with the writing, but a little more context at the start would be good.
This chapter needs a little polishing, mainly just to fix up a few errors in grammar.
I've listed a few, but you might still need to read over the chapter to get the others that I've missed.
Replace 'have' with 'of'
I think you meant 'strangle'
Don't worry, this type of error is easy to make and miss
Add another 'she' between 'knew' and 'was'
Overall, I liked the story, and would be happy to keep track of it. Only 2 months of fanfic writing experience? I got to say I'm really impressed. Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll get to the feature box.
Excellent! But I did find something that needs to be attended to:
The word inside the brackets should be 'tuition'
Intuition is a feeling you get in your gut.
I'm loving this story, but don't rush yourself trying to keep an update schedule. Refined gems are more valuable than raw ones.
Interesting story you have going here. Definitely a few errors in spelling and grammar but an intriguing plot. Keep it up, I'm interested to see where this will go.
I think it was clever to use your OC in a story like this because it shows creativity and originality with the character's background, worldview, and personality. In most of my stories they are based off of characters I have created and even sometimes my OC. I think it was very good for a first story/author. Keep up the good work!
Well, you asked me to take a look at this, and I'm sorry this took so long, but here's my thoughts:
I enjoyed it. It's not my usual thing, so I can't really critique it as well as I like, but I enjoyed the noir atmosphere. If you want to improve, the only advice I can really give is keep writing and figure things out.
Awesome! And kill Clockwork! Kill him! Kill him! BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm getting a Film Noir feeling to this. I liked it!
Much netter than the last chapter I must say. Though you need to work on character to character dialogue. The narrative is exemplary. Very nior feel to it and is quite good. I can't wait for more. Have a moustache
I think it is good so far, but there are some places that can be fixed with better interpretation that make it more detailed.
Such as...
Instead, put it to this...
I think that will do some good, but I am not an expert. This is my opinion my friend. But so far so good.
A fairly captivating story. I feel like your chapters don't actually involve much. One thing happens really, with some small details about prior events.
But perhaps that's just the way it's meant to be. I've never been much into noir fiction before, not really my genre. But it's well written and concise, and flows fairly well. Can't see too many grammatical errors.
Yet another great chapter but for some reason it didn't show up in my favourites
I enjoyed the story a lot. I hope you continue writing this stuff, as this website is lacking in noire. Good Job.
I'm not really the kind of person this story would probably appeal to to begin with, so take everything I'm going to say with a grain of salt.
I thought the story was okay. I just didn't find myself caring too much about what was going on; one issue was the fact I didn't find the protagonist likable. So, he steals something valuable, makes them buy it back, and gives them back a fake? Despite some attempts to make the victim unlikable, that hardly endears me to the protagonist. Maybe I'm not supposed to like him, but it does mean I'm hardly anchored to what's going on. And the "minimalist" style leaves me sort of confused sometimes as to what's going on. Though admittedly, maybe that's because not that much has happened in regards to the new plot so far.
I don't know. Didn't really have many thoughts one way or the other on this one. All I can say is that a story that isn't the sort of story that would appeal to me... doesn't appeal to me. Sorry for letting you down after you requested a review, but I couldn't think of that much to say about it.
One thing that did seem odd to me is the comedy tag. I really didn't see much comedy in the story at all.
Hi there, this is the one, the only, and the SURPRISINGLY average, Scarlett Haze from WRITE. If other writers that I've reviewed will tell you, they would say that I'm... eccentric with what I note down. Either that or they'll tell you that I'm some guy with a gimmick of madness, but really that's up for interpretation.
I commend the all OC cast choice, though I'm curious as to why this isn't marked as Alt Universe, unless this is taking place in the same existence of the MLP:FiM show that I'm unaware of. I've got a few questions coming in and hopefully can have them answered and then given more questions to ask myself as I move on.
A minor error that I had noticed. The sentence should be “Her green eyes with curly eyelashes had a glare like she couldn't believe that she was going to succumb to a lowlife like me.”
Continuing on, I've found other minor errors as I read, but they are usually consistent with either missing or misspelled wording.
This first chapter is like you stated in your Author's Notes - a bit confusing. But, by saying that, I am intrigued as to the following -
1. Why exactly did this Mr. Ponetti throw a very expensive piece of jewelry away into the river, despite even stating that he was in a run-down part of town and he wanted more?
2. Who exactly is Mr. Ponetti's 'associate'?
3. Because of the swap, will the Roses' figure out that they have the fake?
All fascinating questions, but none of my original questions were really answered either. I'm just assuming that there are no ties between this story and the story of MLP:FiM.
And as I entered the smoke-filled room, I made my way towards the next chapter.
Chapter 2 felt short, but for what it needed to do (being as it sets up the next 'job') it was actually pretty good. I'm still not to sure about the boundaries on Mr. Ponetti, but I can somewhat see how he got to where he was. Clawing and scraping at everything to just get some kind of foothold in life. To be honest, this entire chapter almost felt like a GTA kind of cutscene. Character comes in and holds a little conversation with the main character and then the mission goes underway.
I was about to ask what was going on at the start of Chapter 3, but the amnesia part cleared that mess up. As a reader, all I know is that Mr. Ponetti was going for someone named Midnight.
The mad dash as Ponetti struggles to get around is frustrating, which in my mind is actually a good thing. He doesn't have his wallet when he reaches the taxi, but after being ran off by a cop and a random-passerby, finding it on his personage kind of accents this level of confusion and frustration.
I guess there's not much else to talk about this chapter either, as its only job was to introduce Midnight Dawning (which I'm assuming is her name) and her connection to Ponetti.
Overall Thoughts:
This is not meant to be the heartwarming 'Good man in a bad town' story. This is a Survival story; not in the traditional sense, mind you. It's either you make your money and live with your guilt, or you gain nothing and retain your morals. It's a dark place, and its either you or the town that's going to break, and believe you me, that town is a tough girl. Much like the town, this story is occasionally flawed, but nothing a little touch up and a careful eye couldn't fix. There's something in here, and I only think I've touched upon the start of something much more.
I don't touch upon Noire very often, but each story of its kind is unique in that there is always something deeper running within. I want to get there, but this is were the road ends for me until the next clue or path guides me to it. Matthew, you got something in here. Just push on and I'm sure that there'll be others that will see your efforts too.
This story gets a 8/10. For holding interest and making me ask questions that will forever linger as the life of Mr. Ponetti continues, you have something good. The small errors will deter others, but a watchful eye by an editor can easily cover many issues. This is a tough town to make it in, Matthew. But I think what you got IT. See you around town, kid.
Finished reviewing story for the Goodfic Bin. Whilst this is the most enjoyable story from you by far, I feel I have to reject it from the goodfic bin due to uncomfortable writing. Details are here.
Just finished reading the story. I really enjoyed it. The only thing I would have done differently was try to connect the last chapter with the butterfly.
Still I really enjoyed it.
I wrote a review of this story!
It can be found here.
6260885 Thank you for your review. I admit that I could have done a lot of things different, specifically when it comes to prose. My style of writing can be quite difficult to comprehend; it's something I need to work on. Nevertheless, thank you again for a very fair review and I will make adjustments to my story in the future.
6284527
You're welcome. Good luck!
Okay, where to start...where to start...First of, the noire style was a treat. I feel too often people focus on the action of things, or dialog, but the thoughts of the character, who remained nameless until this chapter, were quite interesting. I enjoyed that his thoughts were so entertaining, and drew me in to see the world the same way that he did, that I didn't even care that I didn't know his name. What could I say about him after all this? He's an opportunist who is smart, yet a bit of a drunkard. He does have some sort of moral code, though. It reminds me of what one of the characters in Fallout Equestria said, summed up it was 'It's what I hold on to. I my be all these things, but at least I'm not this.'
The atmosphere was top notch. I could see the the darkened bar room, that had a certain charm, yet on the scuzzy side with raptures full of wispy smoke from burning cigarettes. I can almost smell them, and the alcohol that would be served. This really did win my heart with your descriptive style.
What happened at the end? Did he do the deed or did he walk away? I must say this is the part I loved the most, because we don't know. It leaves you thinking, imagining what he would do if he did, yet feeling like he wouldn't. But after all is said and done, no one could truly say what he did. I wrote a story with a similar ending, Reflection, and it chilled people because they started questioning what reality the story took place in. This does the same thing. Which reality are we going to finish this story in? The reality where he delivers the rapist to a vengeful father, or the other where he walks away and keeps blood off his hooves?
This was a real treat to read. I'm going to totally review this in my next episode of L.O.V. Review.
Finished a review for you from the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group. Link here.
That pony was a poop pony. <.< That was a poop pony in this story just now.
Huh, that doesn't really feel like an ending. I mean, I like how his moral arc resolved, but then the story just stops.