A long time has passed since Cloud left Equestria behind. Now the time for the return is growing near, but what mental scars does the lost paragon carry? And can a romance shattered by foolishness regrow its roots?
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
1,021 users online
2,444,807 hits today, 2,064,738 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
It...is...better than some...encouraging...right?
6180481 Not sure what you mean by that, but eh. Next chapter is back to things I'm more familiar with so expect it soon.
6181050 Talking about the clop scene....While it is better than writting something like X jump Y bone and done or illogical clops...It is not exactly what I would consider high quality.
It is not the high quality ones that I've read, but it is better than the ones that I considered Bad.
6181058 Aight, I'll take a passing grade for a first try and return to stuff that I'm more familiar with.
For a first time at clop, that wasn't that bad. Still room for improvement, but not bad.
I was half expecting some of Cloud's guests to arrive during that or shortly after. Give them both a little embarrassment.
6183116 who is to say they still wont walk in on them.
This is a decent read. I can't believe I hadn't read this story sooner after I finished reading the premiere/prequel a few months prior. The song lyrics (and snippets of philosophies) at the beginning of each chapter are a very nice touch. It's something I don't see often in other stories. A tad unique. I like it.
In terms of narrative, there are a ton of issues with grammar (most are minor), some words are missing, and sentence structure could use a bit more work. Although it does little to impede on my ability to read, I suggest spending more time to self-edit or find someone else to proofread for feedback. I'll only offer a few corrections below for this chapter (perhaps more later on) because I want to keep this short, and laziness is definitely not the reason why. Nope. Get that thought out of your head.
"She" should be in lowercase.
Missing a comma after "Well". Replace the period with a comma and lowercase the "She".
There should be a comma after "we", and replace "are" with "were".
(Hit Ctrl+F to find the quotes)
The story flows well, but pacing for certain parts needs more work (less time skipping), and more slice of life-esque moments would be appreciated (but that's totally up to you). Dialogue is entertaining and speakers are easily identified. However, don't be afraid to use additional action tags. I find that simple hand/hoof gestures, basically changes in body language, are great alternatives to those pesky, repetitive said tags. As a final word of advice, these are just my thoughts, so take everything I said with a grain of salt.
TL;DR. Awesome story. I want more.
6188465 Woah, wall of text with constructive criticism? Damn... I appreciate it.