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You know, when I was younger, my dad used to tell me stories. Stories of a happier time. A time when there was only one pony nation on Equus. A nation that lived in peace and harmony. Where the land itself seemed to exude happiness. Where the great sisters ruled together to keep their ponies happy and safe. Where the only thing dividing ponies where horns or wings. But I suppose thats all they were. Just stories.
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Yes.
There is a lot of potential here.
This looks good!
Change the comma to a semicolon or period
Remove the comma after "large" and add an apostrophe in "walls"
I would change "This" to "It" or remove the first two words altogether
Past these mighty walls
so much attention
Keep with your current tense- clashed with
Remove had
You're (And- d'aawwwwww)
Aren't
Father's
When you end dialogue, you need to punctuate it, even if it's not an exclamation or question mark.
too young
Ah, see here, you actually want the period inside the quotes, not outside, don't ask me why, idk.
You don't want a period after the quotes
Extra space, and you want full quotes for this, not apostrophes
There were more pressing matters
that story
can't
I didn't actually cover all the mistakes, but you should be able to work out things with this.
like that) didn't detract from the overall reading, and it flowed nice and well. I'll get to the other chapter tomorrow, and do all the comment-y stuff.
Overall, I'm quite liking this so far! The grammar mistakes, while they bugged me (but I'm
Keep up the good work! (And I have to ask, please tell me RD is Lunar Republic in this like the title image!)
4903473 You have the making of a potential editor
Thanks for catching those! Also, yes RD is backing the Lunar Republic.
Awesome pics!
Nice! I'll have a list of grammar sins for you tomorrow at some point.
And I have to ask, why do the female guards have excessively long manes and less armor? Not trying to nitpick, but they don't really seem battle ready, they look more like optimistic recruits with less armor and a thing for impracticality- like, what's with the frills? I'm not military, but that seems like something a real military wouldn't do: concept of uniforms being uniform and practical and all that.
Nonetheless! I'm enjoying this so far, and am quite eager to see relations between Solar and Lunar~
4960265 I know right?
4961020 I'm didnt draw the pics, so I wouldnt be able to tell you. Though I know the ones who have a mane similar to Luna's are captains.
5012586 Ah, that makes more sense.
Now I feel all awful for ranting at you.
Meh
I guess I'll go hunt the internet for half decent NLR armor
Solars look like Nazis. Let them burn onthe sun.
4961020 Short hair as a military thing is only to make the head fit the helmet. But as ponies have holes for their manes it becomes unrevelant....
5038805 Ever heard of grabbing hair?
And the maintenance that goes into long hair- if for some reason I had to join a military I would completely see the reasoning behind a short hair policy.
There would be nothing wrong with long-ish manes and tails; but the Fluttershy styling is completely impractical. I have long hair, I tie it up in the day so that I don't spend all of my time brushing it out of my face, now imagine if that happened in the middle of a fight to the death.
Beside, who in their right minds would have a hole in a damn helmet!? It's supposed to protect your head, not look fashionable! And then there's the fact that these pictures have less armor on the mares. If you're going to send soldiers into battle (or even have soldiers) you want to give them as much protection as is practical for their role, not to mention a proper military would armor its soldiers equally without regard to what was between their legs.
/rant off
And Ik writer didn't actually draw the pictures themself, so I assume that in the actual story it'd be different.
5039899 We're speaking abaut real combat where longer battles are extremely rare and most of the victory is the first hit that kils or eliminates the wounded from further combat. And grabbing in the world with magic isn't related to hair in any way. So that argument isn't important.
Who cares? Soldiers are mostly drity or spend hours in preparing their thing, so one way or another 20 minutes of mane/beard isn't going to save them...
And they serve in helmets that keep the hair back 'n in place. Duh.
1. The hole is too small for arrow.
2. Magical projectiles make dermage which propably is gonna ignore the armour so good luck.
3. If the projectile is fire or fire-magical - the ponies propably got some magical counter-measures.
Mayby it's only gala armour. It looks that way.
That is sure.
5044496 I'll concede the point and agree that it looks mainly like ceremonial armor.
However, you seem to have no idea of the maintenance required for long hair. Trust me, it'd be hell in the field. And honestly? Hair that reaches the ground it's just asking to be stepped on or something else.
You can defend it all you want, but the truth is long hair (especially of that length) is just a liability in a military situation. It'll snag in everything, get in the eyes, etc...
And just because a helmet doesn't have holes where a arrow could easily make it through does not mean it's a good idea. Why not have them cut their hair, make the helmets easier to make without there being a big hole, increase the structural integrity of the helmet,and require less personal maintenance/hygiene simultaneously?
Of course if it's ceremonial armor, this is all irrelevant.
5045097 So we agree that is only ceremonial armour and burry the subject.
I don't say it's good - I say that it isn't that bad. I think that they keep their long manes during peace, where practicly nothing happens and jump to shorts in time of war.
5048772 That seems perfectly reasonable to me.
5048773 Was there ever any doubt that I find the answear?
5049095 Unfortunately, yes.
And the way I saw it you were defending Fluttershy's hairstyle for a military campaign.
I confess my relief 'twas not the case.
5049582 Yea. I can't realy disagree here.
I wasn't defending Fluttershy's mane, wtf? I was defending long manes. Long and in any form. And speaking of Fluttershy - I hate her, so don't even start.
5051147 Great minds think alike, it would seem, on Fluttershy that is.
And just to clear things up, I wasn't implying you were defending her mane- what I said was I had the false impression that you were defending the hairstyle of the mares in the picture for a military campaign. Long hair is great otherwise for the most part (though I could see some jobs necessitating shorter hair... "Help! My hair's caught in the gears!").
Again, miscommunication. Long hair good for ceremonial guard, bad for your front line troops.
Sound like a reasonable conclusion? Because that's what I meant.
5051265 Hej, I wanted to say that!
Fluttershy even in combat would never be a trooper - rather a priest, champlain and medic. The rope on the cover even suits that role. Or eventually would be an support officer commanding healer forces somewhere in the tent on the backlines...
5058552 And thanks goes to Fimfiction for not telling me about a response
Ayep. Fluttershy isn't a fighter. She'd be the Desmond Doss of whatever group she was in.
5076200 There were some updares lately.
Heh.
5077099 I blame teh Knighty in buggy armor.
5077772 Good one.
I'll admit, when I first read about Luna's uniform it looked like a mess in my mind. Then I saw the picture below and my heart skipped a beat. She looks BEAUTIFUL in that uniform! Not that she wasn't already beautiful, it's just... Um... Well, this feels awkward now...
Wow I love it it is one of the best storys I hve ever read
This is actually a really good idea.