A Nice Gesture.

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Celestia is a busy mare. I mean she has a kingdom to run after all. Thus the white alicorn gets under a lot of stress. So, Luna decides to take her out on a Friday night fun night. And what does she take her sister to do? Well what Celestia loves the best: being pampered.

Just a random idea I got.

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Cavenerd20

Cavenerd20 #1 · Jul 16th, 2014 · 2 · ·

Alright, first of all, I really do like this story. However, I recommend you find a pre-reader or two. There are a few little things that detract from the story, which is a real shame; it's a good story, it really is.

In the meantime, I suggest you do two things; firstly, read some Shakespeare plays and see if you can figure out the language a bit better. I'm fairly certain that "Wouldst thou pleaseth waiteth hither until I return from mineth talk with Princess Twilight Sparkle" is not correct. The suffix "-eth" is an old way of forming the third-person singular present tense of a verb. In other words, "waiteth" means "waits," not "wait," and "pleaseth" and "mineth" have probably never been real words. It's not a huge problem; just read some Shakespearean plays, and look at how the language is used, and you'll probably have it down in no time. Try this link for a good place to start: [link].

For the second thing, take a look at this video:[link]
It shows you a lot of common mistakes, some of which you have made in this story; using "too" instead of "two." He goes a little fast, but it's good advice. Fair warning, though, it's about ten minutes long, so make sure you have the time. It's definitely worth the time to watch it.

I hope I don't seem too critical, because honestly, my intention was and is to help you improve this story and any others you write. I am trying my hand at fanfiction as well, so I feel the need to help if I can. I really do like your story, but I feel like it could be better with help from a few pre-readers (and eagle-eyed viewers like myself).

deleted account DNB

deleted account DNB #2 · Jul 16th, 2014 · · ·

4700204
Thank you for the tips. I do have proofreaders for my main story and are trying to find one for my side project. This one I just wrote today for fun, and that line "Wouldst thou pleaseth waiteth hither until I return from mineth talk with Princess Twilight Sparkle" was like that because it was supposed to be part of the joke afterwords with Spike.

Cavenerd20