When Spike, Ponyville's residential baby dragon starts hearing something in his head that he cant explain, something happens to his mind something he thought that he would never go through: the revelation of who and what he truly is
This is my first fan fic so please leave some constructive criticism
on hiatus until an editor is found
Warning contain: mentions of rape but no clop scenes and Grusome depictions of the consumption of live animals and of murder
Takes place after s4 finaly
thanks for cover art go to onxyprince on deviantart
editor:scalor barracuda cyborg
Chapters (6)
Never heard of a "frist" fan fic, but ok
Grammar and spelling could use a lot of work. But I'm curious where you go with this.
You are missing so many piriods. An I by itself is upercase. And the first leter of a sentence is uppercase.
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Thank you all for your feedback I plan to re-edit the first two chapters after writing and uploading chapter 3 awakened
interesting, but word of advice, check your grammar and your punctuation please.
I haven't read anything yet, but I did notice that *Grammar Nazi-ism ways incoming* Capitalize those that need it. i.e Names, I, places, the works. Seems like a promising story though. Expect more feedback.
NOOOO DON'T LET HIM GET THE CMC.
Ok other than that I hope you continue this story and continue it well.
4579607 oh I he will get them but its not assault rape more along the lines of mind control but he does capture the heart of one them by non-magical means and I will only give you this hint "the chicken offers its virgin blood to the beast of instinct" ok that's a pretty obvious hint and yes it did feel weird to write that
Aww man, thats even worse. And I can only assume that Spike will have to die someway or another in the end. Is this gonna be one of those fics where he likes sweetie bell. Dang it didn't work. Yes I did it!
4579707 1.no this story is not going to have a happy ending but no spoilers
2. Mostly harem but I gave the hint for the head mare
Oh. Well this is going in a different direction than I thought it would. I'll still read it though.
4580583 yeah I sorta changeing it by adding a romance tag but I plan to make a dark romance with elements of downward spiral of insanity
Other than the grammar and spelling could use a lot of work I'm curious as to where you go with this. I find that copying and pasting your work to microsoft works helps cuts down on spelling and grammar mistakes.
4632464 thanks for that im actually am doing that except with Google docs the reason the grammar is not so good is because im new at this and becaus its hard to edit on a tablet
4634016 Google Docs is not something you should use in that situation. It's a lot worse than MW. And do it on a computer or PC. It makes things way easier.
Nice so far. Please continue.
4636254 thanks
I smell rape for some reason
Well since you asked for a little constructive criticism, it could use a little proof reading, some more punctuation, and just one question
Is this her thought, or did she say that out loud? I can't tell.
In any case, nice story, keep it up.
4727657 thank you for your feedback and your praise fellow thestral
4727657
Spike is going to rip Rumble a new one.
4727657 oh and that was her thoughts my bad forgot to answer your question
4728113 thats a good choice but I think this fits the chapter mood a bit better mainly because I was listening to this when I was writing it [url]Audiomachine - Requiem Of The Night (Helios)(EPIC…: http://youtu.be/zIFO8PyI37U[/url]
4730054 How about this song?
Actually thats a pretty good fit
4731794 Why thank you.
Grammer could use some work but I'm really looking forward to what you have in store with this story.
4735688 thanks and trust me the plans I have are going to be very
fun very indeed
The Fall of Equestria as come at last.
4735871 the raibow of friendship shall be engulfed by the return of the shadow drakes
Awesome!
Thanks I do try my best
4736376 And the fools that once thought that their kind rule will be know who the true masters are.
4745303 when the slave becomes the master the elements will burn in his shadow
4747532 And the false rule of prey will fall to the true rule of the Predator.
4747591 dude how to come up with this stuff so fast
4748355 It's not that easily and I thought was fun back and forth we we're doing, Also I been doing a lot of Elder Scrolls stuff and every thing always as a cool name , title and prophesy that gives me great ideas.
This story is very exciting, it has a lot of energy in it however the grammer could use a little help however your story is looking good.
4760139 why thank you im still at this and chapter 5 was my first time writing a fight scene so what are your thoughts on the rest of the story I really want critiques to improve my writing
4751276 hey darkspike17 is it ok if use some of these lines in a future chapter ill credit you in the a/n
4767602 Dude that would make be happy beyond any belief to see this in future chapters do what ever you want and if you need some more lines I'm free and willing to help.
4768507 thanks
First off, I would like to take the time to read this, but it is rather... unpromising if the summary is anything to go off of. Sorry, but I'm being straight to the point so this will go faster.
First, commas are your friends. Notice how I've already use a couple so far? That's to show examples of where they should go. As for why they should go in certain places is simple. If you are speaking to someone, for example, a comma can be used to separate parts of a sentence to indicate a pause, though a very brief one. They might also be used for playing around with sentence structure. Like so.
"All I ever wanted, my dear, is your hand in marriage," could also be "Your hand in marriage, my dear, is all I ever wanted," or "My dear, your hand in marriage is all I ever wanted."
Another thing to keep in mind is words per paragraph. A good goal for writers to start with is a minimum of X amount of words per chapter. As an average of course. Say you aim for one thousand per chapter. That means a few can go under the minimum as long as the average doesn't.
But after having read a few of the comments, your best option at this point would be to ask for an editor. I'd volunteer myself as I am quite capable, but I am too busy lately to do much writing, and I have no examples of my work to give yet.
All in all, I hope this helps.
4793288 thank you for pointing that out to me kinda bad at noticing things like a missing coma, so thanks for that
Woah, have you ever heard of spellcheck? It's really fantastic.
While the concept presented in the summary is certainly interesting, I don't know if I can force myself to even start reading this. Generally, I've found that the attention a writer pays to grammar and spelling tends to say a lot about how much care they have for the story itself. While this isn't always true, I know that I'm not the only one who judges stories at first glance by this ideal.
Also, I swear that your username is extremely familiar to me, somehow. It's killing me because I feel like the memory is dancing just around the corners of my mind, just barely out of reach.
4797062 yeah I know im planning on getting an editor soon. Did you read one of the forum threads I created on straight shippings the rule 63 folder, the transformers crossover folder or are you a fan of alchemigree latest story unlikely but possible which I helped create by not only supplying two ocs but also proof read the first chapter
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Sorry, I haven't seen either of those. In the case of the second it would be due to the fact that I turned off the "View Mature" option. I'm sick and tired of seeing pages filled with stories from wannabee clop writers who wouldn't know proper grammar if it smacked them upside the head with a dictionary.
Also, I remember you now. Is it spelled Brodie or Brody? I can never remember.
4797176 how do you know my real name,
And its spelled brodie