In an attempt to get away from home and see a different world, I moved to Equestria. A lot of humans have recently, so it's not unusual for me to be here. While I'm still getting used to talking horses, I never thought about dating one. I'm still not totally on board for the whole cross species thing, but it's not uncommon anymore so I don't worry about it too much. My closest friend, a Unicorn called Twilight Sparkle, has been kind enough to let me stay at her library while I search for a home here myself. Her boyfriend, who's actually a human too, and I don't get along too well, but for her sake, I don't say anything too bad about him in front of her. But I just didn't expect things to escalate between us like they did.
*This story takes place when Twilight doesn't have wings and isn't a Princess.*
Based on the positive ratings on your other stories I think Ill give this a read
“ In America, or as they call it here Amare,”
Instant head canon.
4744814 Thanks. I wanted to try a different type of story, so we'll see how this goes. I really don't know how it'll turn out. Hopefully it turns out all right.
hmmm im intriuged! for your reward you shall recive a moustache
keep up the good work mate!
4745202
I shall now be known as, The Stache
Then why the fuck is he dating a Unicorn?!
Also why would Twilight be dating this total prick of a guy?!
You could argue that she's naive to love, but that's pretty weak in my opinion. Honestly, it doesn't add up until you consider the fact that Phil is less of a character right now and more of a plot device. If we get to know Phil more and understand his motives then maybe it'd be excusable, but as of right now we're only taking it on the word of Brendan that he's someone to be hated.
Oh come on! Even the audience can tell you're in love, you fucking idiot!
Are you that emotionally detached from your own feelings or are you just dense!?
Who talks like this? Honestly who? At least, I can't think of anyone I know who would be that formal about it. And if he was meant to sound sarcastic when saying that it didn't come across to me at all.
It's funny how at some point in most HiE fics the story becomes a Gordon Ramsey cook show.
Anyway, yeah, I don't think I'll continue reading mostly because I can already see how this will play out.
Happy writing though!
4745779 lol it's my first HiE fic so I'm playing around with some aspects of it. Phil will become more of a character as this story goes on. And it wasn't supposed to be sarcastic, more just weird way of speaking. And I admit it is very very poorly worded. So I'll probably fix that slightly.
4745842
Yeah, sorry if I came off as a dick, but I feel like you have some decent potential and can write better than this. I would just say to think of the motivations behind a character's actions before writing them out so that they won't come off so flat. Good luck.
4745872 Lol you're fine. You didn't seem like a dick to me and this chapter was more of just a warm up to see how people would take it. I'm apprehensive about 90% of what I write, and this was one I've wanted to do but never really felt like I could do properly. So far it has good marks overall, minus the stuff you pointed out and a few mistakes I've noticed in future chapters, but it's all good. I definitely plan to look at all the chapters while writing this so I hit every motivation that I can. :)
.....Well atleast you're straight forward about it.
Will this ever be explained a bit? I understand that Twilight is a character with an already easy grasp personality and it makes sense financially and of course there's enough room in the tree house, but it just feels a tad bit lazy without something to help explain the beginning of their relationship.
Oh...So he has a job there to? Convenient.
Damn you, Phil!
How does he know? Is it a known fact or is MC just being a dick?
Mc is already sounding like a whiny little pansy.
This tells me a lot about MC.
Yes. Roll Credits.
Overall, the story isn't that bad, but boy does the MC get on my nerves. The dialogue was a bit awkward and I felt that the relationship that MC and Twilight had was more fabricated than it was legitimate. Even if the story isn't about their first few months together, it should still feel like they know each other.
Doesn't really read out that way. I'm just being told that it's this way. And I get that Phil is stereotypical bad BF but you're laying it on a little too thick. Don't make the other guy come off as so predictable. Remember OP, Phil is a character, not a plot device.
I'll give it a 5 out of 10.
4746016 Oh the story isn't done yet. I do plan on building Phil's character. A lot.
Please let her dump the phil and get with this guy. this is the first chapter and i already hate phil.
And Please keep going the story is starting to get good
Screw you, Phil. You're an asshole.
This is actually interesting. The main character isn't Twilight's boyfriend yet, it's Phil and that makes things interesting. I await more.
Well this gonna be really bad really soon.
4758795 Is that a good bad or a bad bad?
4758899 As in the crap hitting the fan, so bad. Sadly this kind of thing would happen in these circumstances I'm not saying that there won't be a upside though, it's just pain followed by pleasure is all.
I have a feeling that "She" heard him, and responded in kind.
awesome keep the good work up i hope to see more chapters and i know your plans .... heheh
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
NEEDS UPDATE!
4822666 Lol I'm working on it! I just need to make sure it all flows in the next two chapters so I don't make it too odd or illogical
4822738 kay'
love it can't wait for next chapter
i.imgur.com/ZfK2p06.jpg
they totes broke up
I thought Phil was going to propose to her. Hmm.
What if someone else loves him (other then twilight possibility loving him) ? That would be a twist.
4875343 I agree my good sir! this chapter is absolutely marvelous.
keep up the good work
4875343 I think you've got it right.
I can't wait for the next chapter.....
Phil tells Twilight that he prefers stallion dick.
Who knew?
Really enjoying the story. Keep up the magnificent work. ^_^
Great story. I can't wait for more.
Wow, Phil sure know how to hit on mares, whether they be Twilight or not! but in all seriousness I'm going to admit, I feel like you're starting to teeter into cliche, douche boyfriend territory now. it almost feels like you're going down a checklist at this point.
-Seemingly dislikes MOST EVERYTHING she likes and only has the most tangential reason to be with her? Check
-Flirts with literally everyone? Check
-Doesn't take this relationship all that seriously? Probably Check
-You said he works late a lot I believe, right? That's usually shorthand for not being able/willing to make time for the other, usually making the relationship fall apart. Check.
-Probably hit her and Twilight covers for him? Check
I'm sorry but this is getting a bit hard to read by this point. In my opinion this would be better served if you alluded to Phil being a douche instead of just spelling it out. Maybe he forgets some proper etiquette in public, like forgetting to be a nice guy and pulling her chair out? You know, little things that makes him feel more inconsiderate. Maybe he shows up to their dates consistently late and offers only the most half-assed apologies? Maybe he'll call off their prior engagements and brush Twilight off in favor of something he find more enjoyable?
I think if the story was based more off some subtle things that lead up to the conclusion that he's a dick, and not literally just written in stone already, as "Oh he's a dick!" right away, this would read better.
And honestly that's the main problem here, I didn't notice much in the way of spelling errors, but that plot man.
Danny, hate when a clif-like-hanger appears at the end of a chapter. Can't wait for the next chapter. Yay!
4956096 I understand that dude. But when I started writing this I was basing it off of this little comic here. i.imgur.com/Bsn4EMi.jpg
It's the whole inspiration behind this. But I'm going to try and work around the douche bag part.
4956117 Please do, your story has potential. But you might crash if you keep going this, it'a a little to stereotypical. I would like to say something more useful to say, but at the moment I've got nothing. Sorry about that.
4956442 I'm actually starting to think I should edit it and change that bit :/ don't know yet what I would change it to
4956993 That might be a good idea. I don't think you meant it to go quite this far, but it is getting into very sensitive territory. A break up could work if done right, or maybe Twilight catches him with another mare. I know that both of those are cliched as well, but what you're trying to do isn't easy. There's a delicate balance here that needs to be maintained so as not to risk alienating readers. I can't really help beyond that though.
4956117 now i wanna kill phil
*goes into Super Sayian 3 mode*
*gathers a badass army*
Mission: Kill Phil. Kill on sight.
looking forward to more this is getting really interesting
stay classy
4957012
4956993
well, not to be the wall.. Or something here. But sometimes the cliche is actually good, sometimes the unique is just meh. I see a lot of people wienning and complaining about marry/Garry sues and cliches, but unique is hard and unigue can ruin things.
I'm not telling you don't make changes or do make changes, I'm just saying do what you want, do what you feel the story needs
having readers enjoy your story is nice but are you going to enjoy it if your following the demands of your readers.
I enjoy the story as is, one thing I would like is if there are chapters from twilight's perspective as well, but that could alter the story in bad ways at this point.
I kinda think the mc would have told rarity about twilight's behavior and the black eye. If twilight won't tell him she may open up to the rest of the girls at least.
All in all after what I have said, the decision is yours and yours alone.
Also this is the first time I have been notified that this story updated. Your new chapters didn't even show up in my unread list since I had first found it when only chapter 1 was out.......
hopefully it notifies me from now on.
4957012 so I changed it. I'm not neccessarily happy with this simply because I'm on my phone so editing the story is just hard. But it leaves some mystery as to what happened when they talked. I'll fix it more when I get home to my computer
4966937 well I may write another story from her POV but not sure. Last time I did that with a popular story I lost a bunch of inspiration and stopped writing it for a few months. But I did change it simply for the sake of it'll work better. While I'm not happy about the change per say, I blame the lack of editing capability on my phone which makes it all a huge pain. I'll fix it again and add whatever details I need later today
4966937 You do speak the truth, sometimes cliches are a good thing. More often than not they are unavoidable, however. I don't think any of us who write can dodge them, I know I certainly haven't.
4967108 did you change it before my comment or after? I'm confused. Like I said for some reason it never notified me that your story updated till this latest chapter, in fact over the last couple of months none of them were in my unread list.
So if you changed things before my comment then I never saw the old versions.
4969440 true. You could say it is cliche to try being original. .... The whole world is cliche.....
4970141 Lol no I changed them after your comment.