RainbowsAreMagic
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FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Really good.
Alt. Title: ParoPony
Interesting, but not really my thing. Too fast. Sorry.
1300372
HA!
Interesting... And that is saying alot considering it's a brony in Equestria story.
Next chapter is password protected?
1777098 There's a bug related to that; that chapter shouldn't be visible. There are only supposed to be three chapters.
1777118
Ah.
Ouch. I did not see that coming.
This was good in some ways, but not quite as good in others. For example the actual plot itself is interesting, how the main character (I'll just call him Aegis since we never find out his Human name) is actually a reject in Equestria for circumstances that aren't his fault. I also like the theme that being a human on Earth isn't so bad, and that simply being taken to Equestria wouldn't necessarily be a bundle of roses. Plus the way that Aegis' past comes back to haunt him is a good way of propelling the plot along. There are a few logic/plot holes every here and there (How did he even get to Equestria? How on earth did he evade the entire Royal Guard? I mean sure, they were 'weighed down' by their armour but it is still a bit of a stretch) but I think I can overlook them for now.
The only real problem with this story is just how it was written. You might've heard of the 'show, don't tell' rule before. If not, here is an article that demonstrates the rule pretty well. Basically, instead of telling the reader all of the events in the story you should've shown them happening. Plus, I think it might've been effective to include some minor details like who did he might've missed from Earth during his life in Equestria (friends? family?) or the friends he made whilst training for the Royal Guard. Smaller things like that help create an emotional investment in the character, and therefore make the reader care more when things don't go his way. Oh and one final thing, I didn't really learn too much about Aegis as a character. He needs more distinct personality traits to be a fully realised character, although I do understand that it's most-likely hard to describe the main character if the story is in first person.
To conclude, I liked this story. I gave it a thumbs up, too. It's just that I could picture it being so much better if the events and characters were fleshed out with more detail. This really should be more like 4 or 5 times longer than it is, for all the things that happen during its course. But still, good luck to you with future stories!
1783853 Thanks for the feedback; it really helps. I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind for my future stories.
1784356 You're welcome, I'm always glad to help.
This is one of the greatest short stories I've ever read.
interesting indeed, I never Imagined twilight to be mean to the brony. you got me back then!
great story, never expected a brony to be in equestria and have a bad experience.
If it all started in Ponyville, this will not have a bad ending.
Good story though!!
1890001 I'm not sure I understand what you mean. There is no happy ending here.
1890060 there was no ending??? just wondered if twilight and AJ accepted him, everything will change.
>> Uhh, they accused him of being a changeling spy, and wouldn't listen to a word he said. He left town before they either ran him out of it or did something worse to him.
Nopony sane would return for another helping of the same.
This story was thie first FIMfiction i ever read,and re-reading it months later i have to say that its really good!
This is pretty sad... good job with this
umm.... This is good but I would like to see moar (your choice)
Hahaha run away out of the entirety of civilization on a WHIM because of the overreaction of a character that's usually over the top. This guy's monologue had me thinking he was kidnapped, had spider eggs planted inside of him by Fluttershy, got bucked in the jaw by AJ for trying to befriend Applebloom, had shit thrown at him by Pinkie and the whole town laughed at it, was hired by Rarity to lick her customer's feet only to get paid with half a molded bread at the end of the day.
You even had me thinking the changeling town was some sort of dinkin bloody terrifying settlement of Windigo monsters who only manifest when mentioned in conversation, JUST from its name!
Lots of potential here but honestly kinda disappointed by the first chap, I'm even doubting the guy was ever a human by the amount of inhuman and dumb thoughts.
"Why wouldn't I dedicate myself to it?" Ugh so cheesy.
I don't like how the ID thing is spammed as a plot device, I get that you're trying to make the world feel real and cold but it's just that some things require IDs and some things don't just because? And what's with shining monologuing like some cartoon villain before MC takes off.
"Sorting cherries requires constant attention" He could rank at the top of his class in pone combat despite being an entirely different species just a month ago and calculate an escape path in barely a second yet he can't do a job that a 12 year old could do on the basis that said 12 year old has solved a shapes puzzle toy before (basic deduction)
Shit now I feel bad. These are OG bronesers from 8 years ago and I'm pseudo-circlejerking