Ashardu
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Ashardu · 21k words · 44 3 · 496 views
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Decent, not bad at all, including the character act like when they get transported into another universe. Some mistakes here and there but you did warn us your writing and grammar is rusty and cannot fault that. Overall Im curious to see what happen next.
....the insanity just happen?
This story seems entertaining.
Geez, comments already!? Man, that was fast!
Seems interesting enough, TO THE 'WATCH LATER'!
Also, what level of anthro atr we talking about? Use this.
4407197 Level 4. Definitively Level 4. Hey, this is better. Check out this guy to have a basic idea of what are we dealing with.
MANE 6 AND EXTRAS.
to much breaking the 4th wall…Celestia kiss is justify Twilight not, so far I don't like Twilight and I wish he end up with Celestia, end of story
P.S: Twilight emotions don't make sense, she is Twilight she should be more concentrated on a book then in a freaking boy, she is not Rarity
4407413 Oh. Ok. Got it. She is more focused on books than anything else. By the way, the human is not a boy, he is already 25. But thanks for the correction, I appreciate it. Although it struck me a bit the comment. Ouch. Just Ouch.
...That was a bad idea. It's jarring and bad for the flow of the narrative to put [insert reader name here]. Honestly, it would be much better if you were to stop trying to make this a reader insert story, and just make it a story about the character "Rhoe".
Also, you definitely need an editor.
...The sheer amount of out of character behavior is baffling. Nearly everyone is completely out of character here.
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11114/111145554/3768727-1336588288-tumbl.gif
It's too painful to read any more.
first kiss? hello? remember Celestia? She was the first one to kiss him...
4408333
Yeah, that part. I completely forgot that incident when writing the other chapter. I thought I fixed it, but oh well. I better learn from this.
4407631
sorry. I'm not perfect, I don't know the mane 6 to perfection to know what they would do. In most cases.
Really? Was it that bad? Geez,
4408933
The characters behaving almost nothing like themselves is only one problem out of many; albeit, it's a major recurring problem. Here are some quick examples of problems from chapters two alone:
1. This is a narrative mode, also known as "point of view", not "perspective mode".
2. "You/your" is second person view. First person view would instead be "I shut my mouth for good the very moment I almost mentioned my past." First person view is written from the internal perspective of a single character, telling the story through them as they describe what goes on around them, providing their thoughts and opinions on the events and characters—like the way a diary or something similar would be written.
3. Why is this story in second person view in the first place? It's not about me, the reader—it's about a character called "Rhoe", who is a completely different person from me. I don't identify with Rhoe, so it's jarring to read about him as if he were supposed to be me.
4. ...Okay, even you have to admit that this spacing looks really bad.
5. Why are we switching from "first person (actually second person) view" to "third person view"? There is no logical reason to be switching narrative modes this much. Pick one and stick with it, unless you have specific reasons to switch them. Which you probably don't (since that's a more advanced literary technique), so ignore that exception and just stick to one point of view—preferably first or third, since second doesn't fit well here for reasons I've already elaborated upon.
6. This blatant breaking of the fourth wall disrupts the flow of narrative, pulling the reader out of the story and making it harder for us to take it seriously. Worse is the fact that since it's not notably clever or humorous, it's completely unnecessary and only serves to detract from the story's value.
7. Events progress far too rapidly without logic. Rhoe's confusion at waking up in a completely alien place unexpectedly is quickly all but forgotten. Twilight immediately feels romantic attraction towards "Rhoe", which she claims feels like it's "something magical" in nature, and she's not even a little bit concerned about the possibility that she could be under the influence of some kind of a spell. Rhoe, who is self-professed to be bad at talking to girls due to shyness, is not only fine around Twilight but is also borderline flirting with Twilight at times, but at other times freaks out from the prospect of physical intimacy. Twilight advances onto Rhoe in an outright sexual manner only minutes after meeting him.
8. It's generally a good idea to avoid these kinds of scene breaks, since they damage the flow of the narrative by making it feel choppier and less "real". Scene breaks work well in video media but do not function as well in literature. It's always better to attempt to write events as happening without interruptions so they will naturally flow into each other and give the narrative a fluid feeling.
9. As I've already mentioned, this is jarring to read. It pulls the reader out of the story. Also, since the reader is not "Rhoe", the reader does not feel a connection with the character and does not wish to insert their name into the story (at least, I myself did not associate myself with "Rhoe"). You would be better off just writing the story in first (I, my) or third (he, his) person view about a character named "Rhoe", rather than trying to force the reader to assume Rhoe's role in the story.
10. Celestia has never shouted, even when addressing villains. She's spoken harshly, but she's never raised her voice to the point of outright shouting. Also, you used "thy" where you meant to use "that".
11. "I won't leave someone broken get out of this room!" makes no sense. She declares "I won't leave someone broken" and then tells him "get out of this room"? I think you might have meant "I won't let someone broken get out of this room!"
12. Kissing Rhoe and acting seductively out of nowhere is out of character for the naturally serene and matronly Celestia.
13. Since when was Twilight ever known to be a violent tsundere who physically assaulted the guys she [inexplicably] likes in fits of jealousy? Do I even need to accuse this one as being far out of character for her? It's almost as if she's a completely different character in this scene!
14. ...Why did you write this part it in script form? There is no logical reason I can conceive of for you to have written the last part in script form when the rest was written in conventional story form—it just makes no sense. Then again, given the precedent you've set for consistency, I shouldn't be too surprised that you switched narrative form so abruptly...
Mind you, these are only some of the glaring errors from chapter two alone. You've still got a serious amount of reworking ahead of you before this could become a decent story.
4411165 Okay. first of all, let me get something clear. I'm not taking this story seriously. I mean, really? Who would do such story knowing the 14 points of mistakes you marked? I barely got through season 1, my knowledge of the charactersis low, the characters were meant to be different, that's why it says unknown in the first place (You know what? I'm adding that to the description) and I know that won't help me with the readers' attention. Might as well skip it.
Perhaps you may say that's not the point of FIM Fiction, but imagine it as some kind of different world to the one ALL OF YOU know and love. The events still remain, but they were treated different to what the seasons showed and yes, all of them still carry the Elements of Harmony.
Leaving the whole MLP Story's points aside, I thought it would be a good way (don't judge me) to check my english level. Anywhere else people would have skipped my story and the sole purpose of honing my english writting would go to waste. Now to review those 14 points.
1. That's what I meant by honing my skills. These kinds of corrections are what help me understand what does a good writing consists of,
2. I stand corrected again.
3. If you do not desire to identify yourself with Rhoe (which is the purpose), then don't. Imagine that person is someone else. The reader (which is you) is actually nicknamed Rhoe. It's something I'm pretty sure lots of people have been through and why am I even checking this? The whole point is that Rhoe is you. With a different name. That's all.
4. Editing mistake. I wanted to move some lines back to their original position, but got that as an answer. My mistake was not noticing that.
5. I stick to both points of view to innovate. To try something new. And yes, I switched the meaning of first to second. Honing skills once again.
6. That was.... uncalled for. My comedy isn't good. IT'S A FACT. I ALREADY KNOW. I'm so sorry that my attempt to bring even a small smile in this tough world has failed horribly, But you got that right, perhaps the 4th wall breaking is a too much. That's why there are people like you, to help others improve, to become better writters in the future and avoid some sort of humiliation like I just did with the whole story by giving out your critique.
7. Different personalities. Man, I really need to add that description. The sexual attraction... yes, I got way too ahead that. I was struggling whether to do it or not was a good idea. I did it and the results were catastrophic. That was your answer to it. Catastrophic. When it comes to Rhoe, he tease a lot his friends when he feels a bit nervious about something and Twilight wouldn't allow that as a win for him, which is why she used some of Rarity's teasing that she has seen before. Yes, the whole scene may have crossed the line and I apologize for it. Somewhere, deep in my heart, lies a big wound by not reaching people's satisfaction. OUCH. I'm completely honest about it. I spent the whole day thinking of how to improve that failure. Not that it matters anyways.
8. Oh, that. Well, that I didn't know. Thanks for the advice. 14 advices, in this case.
9. Geez, what part of 'You are a male human who suddenly is teleported to the unknown world of Equestria.' didn't you get? Rhoe ---> Reader (You). It's just a nickname the protagonist got in his childhood. You really hate my story don't ya?
10. DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES. You may not like the fact that I changed the characters' personalities (might even hate the story for it), it's a risk I took. Would you have read my story if I told you the characters are different to what they usually act? I would, looking for something new if there's EVER a time where I get tired of the same stories, but you wouldn't. That's the truth.
11. Okay, okay. Grammar mistake there. Once again, honing skills. That's not the point of the page, I know. But the world is tough and I don't want to encounter an important person whose only language is english and talk like a complete moron in front of him. You may think of this like Selfishness, but I rather be prepared for anything.
12. .....You already know the answer to it. Why even bother.
13. I assume you know exactly how does she act when she is near someone she likes, am I right? In either case, my response lies in point 7, 10 and 12. Go ahead.
14. You know what? FINE. Yes, I screwed up in every single possible way the story could have gone, YES, my grammar is rusted, YES, I'M ONE OF THE WORST WRITTERS WHO HAS EVER DONE A FREAKING FANFICTION IN THIS WORLD AND I DECLARE MYSELF GUILTY. Are you satisfied? I do not, and I quote, Take the story seriously. The story is just a hobby and if I ever decided to become a professional writter based on THIS, I would be living in the streets in one week. Maybe less. I don't know what others think of this. Judging by the comments, I already knew this wasn't great. I never intended that this story would be as popular as 'THE UNEXPECTED LOVE LIFE OF DUSK SHINE' or another popular story that I'm not aware of, Heck why am I even comparing this to others. This story isn't good at all. I might just finish this to make other stories look good compared to this.
For all the people who did LIKE it despite the HUGE amounts of errors, I'll finish this whenever I can.
That is all. Thanks for reading.
4412101
Then this is your first mistake. How can you expect us to take something seriously when you don't take it seriously, to any extent? That attitude is to reflect in the story itself—and it does. Why bother going through the trouble of posting it on the site if you didn't care about it?
Well, you need more practice in that. It didn't come out as innovative, just jarring and nonsensical. There needs to be at least some rhyme and reason to it, otherwise it's just a burden to the readers.
——A passive aggressive attitude isn't going to help anyone.
I don't hate your story. I am disappointed by it, certainly, but there are very few things in life that I can honestly admit to hating.
The problem with your logic is that I, the reader (and presumably other readers too), am not made to feel like I'm "Rhoe," as he has a distinct personality unlike my own. I feel that "Rhoe" is the main character and that I am merely tacked on like a parasite. That's why I recommended that you stick to third person instead, as it would fit the character and narrative better.
If they have different personalities from the characters, to the point that you could assign them slightly different names and appearances and nobody would know what character they were originally, they aren't the same characters, are they? So why try to tell us they are the same characters if they don't act like them, and thus aren't the same characters? Isn't the idea of writing about characters like Twilight Sparkle to actually write about that character?
No, but I know how she behaves in general—she's not violent or jealous. The only characters she's only been violent towards are antagonists, which is understandable. Also, refer to response 10 above.
...What did I say about that attitude? It's not helping anyone, and it just makes you seem childish. It may seem harsh, but I'm trying to help you by pointing these things out, so if you can't even take mild criticism like mine without snapping at me, you really shouldn't poke your toes out where they can get stepped on in the first place.
i711.photobucket.com/albums/ww118/AAKRON/Shake-My-Head-Reaction-Gif.gif~original
4412339
*sigh* Okay, okay. I'll admit it. I got carried away. This week has been... quite... I don't know how to put it. I acted childish and I apologize for that. It's just that... Man, I feel like an idiot now.
I'm haven't gotten a critique like that before and I let my frustation against the truth blind me. You are absolutely right. If I ever do something that others might take seriously, I should take it seriously. As an adult, I solemnly apologize for my attitude and hope you can forgive. Heh, I still got a lot to learn, don't I? 
You have won the argument and there is nothing I can or will do about it. You are a great person and I really appreciate your help.
And was that a Mild Critique? 
Could you show me a Harsh Critique? It's not a challenge or anything childish, just an example of it if you know one. 
Well, I guess the third person narrative is better, but somehow, I feel that way the reader is no longer involved. I'll try to stick to Third Person, but what should I do about the whole 'Reader involved' Thing?
Grrrr....
The characters... Huh. I don't know what to do about them. Maybe I'll come up with something original to it, like a spell or something. This is gonna be hard.
Wait. Applejack hates me?! Nooooo!
4412575 Not really, she is just mad at you due to the situation you just placed her. And the story is having some... changes.
4412441
"Your story is absolutely terrible. I'm not going to leave a review here because there is nothing you can do that could fix it. My advice to you is to cut your losses, delete the story, and leave FIMfiction."
Also, I'm getting some serious passive aggressive vibes from your comment...
4412793
Oh, so that's a harsh critique. It's too painful to read. If you had said something like that, I would turn off my laptop, hide it, and get in my bed where I wouldn't sleep at all thinking about how awful my story is. Or something like that.
Meanwhile the passive-aggresive vibes... NOPE. There wasn't any intention for that. Maybe you read it in other way? The comment was entirely sincere and grateful. So chill! No prob'! How about we start over? I rather be on a 'sorta-friend' relation than a 'critic-author' relation since you seem to be a nice guy. Are you okay with it?
I like the overall plot of the story, but please use paragraphs, as that was one big clusterfuck wall of text with capslock thrown in. I got to the point where Luna was sitting on his face and had to stop reading due to how confusing everything is.
4412621 oh good. also...
4413609
Dreams can be confusing, can they? It was point where insanity was consuming him and he was seeing things or experimenting things that were somewhat.... dirty. Now I noticed people aren't portraying themselves as Rhoe, so I might as well take him differently as I supposed you guys would take it. Not my original plan, but changes are good. And yes, that part has a bit of 'checking sanity status'. Hmm, why do I feel that at any point in the story different people suddenly dislike it? I'm starting to have doubts about this story....
this is getting very interesting.
"You are Equestria, the magical land of ponies."
Now I want a story where you wake up as Equestria and have to put up with the annoying ponies that walk on your head and eat your grass.
4430781
Oops. Grammar mistake. I'll check it right away. 
1# humm
2# hummmm
3# aww
4462817
1? 2? 3? I don't get it.
4# wow
5# lol
6# dun dun dun
4463910 1# = chapter and the rest i think you need to see my auto rating system bloge
7# awww and ooooo
4475656
I feel kinda embarrased now,
Few people actually commented that they enjoyed my story, your opinion actually made me feel a little better, thanks.
I'm assuming that you enjoyed it.
8# ooooo dun dun dun
Well... shit.
9# wow dun dun dun
4501249 Oh.
Thanks. 
The ideas came like a flow of a river. 
I don't know how I managed to write it down. 
But I'm happy you enjoyed it.
for some reason I feel that achieve defeat Nebra
but it will cost the lives of Rhoe
4534497 ..... How did you.... It was too good to be true, wasn't it?
4534497 NAH! Not happening! I didn't want that to happen, but since you brought it up...
4534540 je was just a feeling
I'll wait patiently for the next chapter
4534553 Oh, yeah. About that...
I'm having a little bit of a trouble thinking what should I add to it. Not saying that I'm out of ammo, but instead that I don't know how continue it without resorting to any kind of lame joke or senseless plot.
I'll try to think of something, but it might take a while. Don't expect any update any time really soon. Give it a week or more.
Don't lose hopes, I'm not planning on cancelling this or finish it without a great finale.
What is the mane six format?