Hmmm... Ever had the feeling that something is missing or wrong? That something shouldn't happen yet it does? Strangely enough, I'm feeling that way. And so does my new allies.
...
...Oh, did I forgot to mention my new allies are a bunch of pony-shaped creatures that feed on love? No? Well, they are. And the leader, Chrysalis, won't bug off me. Heh, get it? Bug off, cuz, you know, they have holes.... and look like insects and.... oh whatever.
The thing is, I'm not exactly a changeling. What's that supposed to mean? It means, I'm a human in a changeling's body........
And I DON'T LIKE IT!
Let's just hope things turn out for the best in the near future... Cuz I'm gonna need a lot of luck and miracles to make it out unscratched... but something tells me in won't be that way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ashardu here, with some news!
I have a 'Bitching allowed' rule where if someone dislikes my story, I wish to know why. No matter the reason, I just want to know. Doesn't hurt to know a few things about my story, does it?
And last but not least, The whole story is gonna be affected about how much love it receives. If it is well-received, then it might go further than originally expected. Otherwise, I'll keep it to the same development. Got it?
Edit: Forget about it. This thing is going further than planned.
THE SINGLE PROOFREADER FOR THE STORY, Mngotsevoy IS NOW DEAD.
NOW COMING FROM THE SHADOWS, COMES
ShadowBeat! Tremble against his wolfy pic!
Oh this looks fun
A story about a human that gets turned into a changeling?
please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck
Replace Me with I
'Slamming my fridge shut'
Can't spot any major flaws in grammar, either way good story! Look forward to reading more.
33.media.tumblr.com/62fca465cfeb5a235dc377e6a59fc718/tumblr_nh4k6rOTcY1u0rlnjo1_1280.jpg
5422481 Thanks for the check!
Don't worry, I'll do my best!
5422477 Well, let's try not to screw up this time, shall we?
5422499
Do you even have an editor? I mean your writing is far better than mine, but I can help with spotting things out of place if you need.
Woo! New Human to Ling Fic! Pretty good writing. Hints of a plot brewing. Nice personalities. To the tracking shelf with you!
5422601 Thanks! It means a lot to hear that! ....o read it in this case,
Don't worry, I'll try my best!
5422520 Something like a proofreader? Well, if you want to, then I have no problem at all.
I believe the same author has to make sure the chapter's writing is well-performed in order to improve their writing or grammar skills.
Sure, having a proofreader or an editor might help you improve, but isn't it a better feeling to know that you did a very nice story all on your own?
I sure do.
About the editor thingy, no, I don't have one nor think I need one.
Every story that I've done (Save for the Mac X Cheerilee fic) has been edited and proofreaded by myself. Sure, a grammar mistake may slip up, but it's the path of a
fanwriter.So, yeah, if you want to help out, then go ahead!
Knock yourself out.
Scroll to the bottom of this for my actual comment. The top section is about SPaG (Spelling Punctuation and Grammar) and QWC (Quality of Written Communication).
---
Just a tip, when shrinking the font size have it at small (0.75x) because very small (0.5x) can be hard to read on some monitors.
Unnecessary "s". Should be "work", not "works".
"it's" should be "is".
Celsius is spelt with a capital "C".
Most weather reports and new I watch, especially in the mornings before school tend to use more formal language. Then again I live in the UK. But, I'd change "gonna" to "going to" and "go lower" to "get colder". But that's just me - it's not really a grammatical error, but it's the kind of language usually used. That said, comments such as the scarf thing are often used between facts.
Was the repeat intentional? Because it'd flow better with it just being said once (I'd recommend keeping the first clause instead of the last).
It should be: "the door was".
"everynow" should be two words. I.e. "every now".
Shouldn't it be "anypony"? Like when you wave your hand in front of someone's face and say: "Hello? Anybody in there?"
Also, I'm a bit surprised he didn't point out the pony bit. Mainly because every non-brony does that in HiE fics.
---
Either I got sloppy towards the end or you got better. The again, I tend not to pick up on dialogue mistakes as often. Anyway, now the SPaG and QWC issues are sorted onto my opinion and what I'd do to make it better...
Personally, I think it's quite a strong start descriptive wise. That said, the spammy caps dialogue doesn't really help - and try to avoid colour for voices (unless you're going to have him being talked to via hive mind - then it's fine), you should focus on how characters speak so the reader can tell easily. Lastly, don't shrink your font below 0.75x, it makes it easier to read. Also, avoid underlining dialogue; bold and italics are fine for speech and internal monologue for emphasis, but unless you're copy/pasting a news article it makes the story look a bit sloppy.
I'm not going to say too much about the changeling yet because I don't know your head-canon. But, I'm guessing they are somewhat independent (or he found the more intelligent ones first). But, if this is Chrysalis's hive my interpretation was there would be more order and less personalities - just bred for a specific purpose.
Overall, I think you should try to focus on and plan your plot first (if you haven't already). There's hints of your plot brewing and I, as the reader, want to know more. Changelings are great. I'll like and add to a bookshelf to see where this goes.
---
TLDR: Write more and make the plot happen. I'm now stalking this. Get an editor maybe, or write it all, wait a day and check it 24 hours after it's finished when you're fresh, then finally upload it.
5423423 AJA! I knew someone would do this eventually! ... not that I mind, but... oh well.
You are right. I may have a slight error here and there, but it's all part of growing, right?
For the coloring thingy, yeah, I might redo that. And the underline are links. Just saying.
All of the other things that you said (wrote) are going to be taken in account. Thanks for the help!
5423467 Dammit, how did I miss the links. Time to clicky-clicky. Sorry about that.
My opinion is one of many, I'm glad to help but I usually only do it for the first chapter - after that I try to enjoy the fic. From what I can see description is your forte so I look forward to any fight scenes. Overall, it's good enough to merit a like and my attention. I love Human turned Changeling fics though so that may be slightly biased.
Edit: Wait, the underlining in the A, B, C bit of the dialogue isn't a link. And the song link isn't underlined (unless you hover a mouse over it).
5423482 Oh right. It was underlined. Yeah... my mistake. Got them already.
Nice story.
But I kinda got a bit lost at the end there.
5423600 You did? Well, his mind was beginning to see and percieve things it shouldn't so it probably wasn't logic what he saw at the end.
5423921
Makes sense, I suppose. Keep up the fine work!
I'd point out some errors, but I'm on mobile. And please, don't screw it up.
hmm... hope you do good on this, I always like the idea of a human turned changeling story.
5423954 Hey, easy! I'm not planning on leaving this story on the forgotten list. I'll do my best, just like I did with the first chapter.
5423977 Well, the whole idea showed up in a flash. Ever since then, I have written out the plot and everything on a notebook, so I don't think I'm going to let this chance slip.
5423390
Alright, I'll help out with proofreading. When your done with the next chapter send it my way and I can read up on it.
5424199
Ya doing a better job way better then I could, mostly because I don't plan that far ahead
5424387 Sure! Just wait until I get done the next chapter, kay?
5424425
Well, everyone has their way of doing things.
Mine turns out to be more detailed and focused.
But that doesn't mean it is going to be good,
5424537
quickmeme.com/img/df/dfd1e49ded5f4c38db2346e72c02f76ec5862601b3e4e908a43db10c8bd9a9d5.jpg
you have my attention.
Bitch # 1
Resin-a sticky substance produced by trees.
Reason-a cause, explanation, or justification for an act or event.
Bitch #2
Received, further than originally expected.
Bitch#3
You mentioned the news reporting 5 degrees Celsius. This is equal to 42 degrees Fahrenheit, which is above the freezing temperature of water.
If you want me to believe there is freezing cold ice blasting at you from the outdoors, you want to at least have the news reporting temperatures cold enough for water to freeze.
Bitch # 4
Should be, inevitable.
Bitch #5
Scrambling, drunkenly. Seriously, do you even run basic spellcheck? The fimfiction comment box is picking up on these.
5426460
Bitching 1, 2, & 4:
Oops! Mistakes!
Bitch 3:
Well, you may seem to accept a temperature below 5 Celsius as just a breeze, but some countries do not have the same temperature tolerance. Venezuela is an example... And Brasil... And Honduras... And Mexico... And India... And Irak... And Afghanistan...
Bitch 5:
I don't know if you are a writer or not-- but I assume you are--, but the purpose of these flaws are meant to improve the author's skills, outside the proofreader role. Yeah, I know, the editors, proofreader and pre-readers are meant for that, but you guys save me trouble by doing so, even if it costs me popularity with the story.
So, thanks for the bitching! I'm really grateful for you taking your precious time to do this. Thanks a lot!
5425563 ditto.
5425563 I do? Oh well, better take action then.
Insane person with a wild luna
And is not that important to the story at this point
ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51LnCTulXXL._SY300_.jpg
5428646 You'll see why Sebastian was added. Just wait for it. It might take a while, but he'll play his part. Also, Maurice has absolutely no freaking idea of what is a Luna. He thinks his brother is having a mental problem, that's all. I just hope the message was given.
You have originally attracted my curiosity, but now you have my attention. xD
5428664 A good intro is all that a story needs to get attention.
5428670 And an insane guy with Luna in his head
5428696 Just like I explained to cosmosain:
But yeah, having Luna on your mind can be fun.
Más gente loca hablando español por aquí?
Que chingon ya no soy el unico
WOO HOO!
Did I mention how much I love this fucking chapter?! Well, now you know! Please continue writing this, so I can keep fan-guying all over it.
"You had my attention, but now... You still don't have my interest."
I like some of the ideas here. I like that the protagonist knows some spanish and is presumably not just another boring white bloke dumped into equestria. I like the implication of other hives. The concept of a human on Earth stuck with Luna's voice inside his head sounded like a lot of fun. But so far it doesn't go anywhere. And unfortunately I've seen a lot of stories that don't go anywhere, here and on other parts of the internet.
If this site had some kind of timer function, I'd check back in a couple of months to see if anything changed. But it doesn't. ... So instead your story is going to mark my first use of the 'follow' option, since I've already read it, and there's not enough here to justify a favorite.
It have potential, please continue
5428902 Estoy oculto, entre las sombras atancdo a sus huevos con un maldita patada.
Si, hay gente como tu. Sigue asombroso
5430159 Sure! Just... keep your calm intact, kay? I love to see fan-boyism like this.... That wasn't gay at all.
5430168 Don't worry. You'll eventually break. I'll have your favorite and soon all of FimFiction will surrender to my feet!
..... Actually, that might actually not happen, but I'll try not to dissapoint. Much.
But hey, I got your attention. That's gotta count, right?
5431109 Looking at how much love it has been received (And boy, it's a lot,), I'll say it is definitively gonna continue.
5431450 a ver a ver aver
explícame porque tu comentario apesta de Google translate, eh?
Y si no es eso, te recomiendo unas clases de escritura, u ortografía
5432420 Eh? Parecia como si fuera de google translate?
CHINGADA MADRE, no lo puedo creer. Ahora mi ortografia en español esta hecha huevo?
Huetu chingada madre...
... creeme, si soy Mexico/Guatemalteco de naturaleza. El comentario anterior fue porque mi cerebro quizo ir "DERP!"
5433325 MICHOACAN/MÉXICO HIJOS DE MANGO
Ta bien pues, anda tranquilo
5433408 Gracias wey.
5428002 My people hail from the icy north, and wear the mighty pants of protection.
Skip to 4:00.
Seriously, though, nitpicking is my life. Keep the typos coming.
5435138 Sure! Just one thing...
I kinda forgot the exact definition of typos, care to help me out?