Urimas Ebonheart
Joined 10th May, 2013 ·
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Awww... i like the last version. ..
Oh well, i'll read this when i have time.
i like both
Aww come on i so much prefer de old 1
kinda liking this one better, more character depths and bounds plus much better backstory, but i just hope Celestia doesn't get herself killed.
I love this and ps what's the old one???
Me: First boss?
Author: (nods sagely) First boss.
7397132 hmm okay after reading this whole i will admit in a way it is better but part of me prefer de old 1 n de other half likes dis 1 just de same
7397132 n plus i think u could have done better when Celestia talk about 2 Damien i mean she wants 2 talk about him having no honor when she attacked him while he was both not 2 fight n even if he was, he was completely distracted by Fluttershy's story n she wants 2 talk about honor? pfft like she is in any diferent in a way
...If he doesn't use these to make a demonic version of Mjölnir I will be disappoint.
The old one are good but this one has better with its more deep story
awesome story
Is Fluttershy 'marked' now aswell. Giving her some of his energy and changing her appearance.
And would he be able to command Fluttershy not to use her element on him?
7397528 Shhhh! No spoilers!
Wow, this rewrite is getting waaay better ratings than the original, but I gotta admit I'm gonna miss his old origins. Despite what many individuals seem to believe, a character's backstory cannot define them as 'wangsty', that is determined mostly by how disproportionate their bitching and whining about said backstory is.
The original Damien was actually handling things quite well considering everything he went through.
Either way, this has been tracked, favorited, and liked. Keep up the good work!
I still can't think of why the first one had this many dislikes?
Well, this one looks kinda more unique, don't know why though.
Anyway, fave + like, keep on rolling.
7397892 probably the same guy who did it to my previous version. I've removed it from the featured groups.
I'm loveing the story so far I hop it keep coming
Noice mate.
You really need to learn how to properly punctuate your dialogue, because right now it makes me feel nauseous. I'm not making that up.
I'm just loving this story pleases keep it coming.
7398165 Sounds like a medical condition if "Poor punctuation" Makes you nauseous.
7398201 I think he's talking about someone who put this story in that group.
Frostmourne... Hungers...
7398230
R u psychic?
Congrats on getting the story featured again.
Please more of this story it is fucking awesome.
I read the original and the rewrite... I love them both
7398296 The police made an important statement on the news today, about an escaped midget who was jailed for pretending to be a psychic and scamming people of their money.
The police have asked everyone to be on the lookout for a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE.
7398296 I know you chuckled after reading that joke. MIND MONGER KNOWS ALL! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
You like Metal Gear references, don't you?
Am I the only one who is reminded of CaptainSparklez when they look at the title picture?
Di-did he just state intent to house a Queen in a spare room of his servants' quarters?
7398187
No, it was just that bad.
7398201 You should bother to read my comment numb nuts. I said the person who decided to put the story in absolutely disgusting. Its a group. Should end it all.
7398667
Then be constructive and point out what is wrong. As someone who has seen a lot of stories, while the content and story might be objectionable in a few places, not understanding the full breadth of punctuation surrounding dialogue is quite the small issue. So, help or shut up.
Now, 7398187 , what is being referenced by the above person I quoted is that rather than simply ending all dialogue on periods, there is actually a technical way to do this that professionals follow that you are not doing. Honestly, you're fine with it as you are, but if you are curious, this is what's going on.
When starting / ending dialogue, if the actions leading up to or after it are part of the speech, commas and lower cases are used. If it's an action, then you use the period and capitalize the next word following the dialogue.
Ex. 1
Note how the dialogue ends with a comma, and the 'he' is not capitalized. This is because how he spoke 'he said' is being used here.
Ex. 2
In this one, after the dialogue an action independent of the words being spoken by 'He' is shown, so you end your dialogue with a period, bringing it to a hard end. The next line starts the action, and therefore gets capitalized.
Please note this is a very simplistic breakdown of it, I'm sure if you google a bit you'll find a more detailed info. Hopefully this gives you an idea of where to go, if you wish to improve on that matter.
Take care.
7397912 lol look at all the dislikes on my comment. People are shit heads am I right xD
7398699
I would entirely appreciate you not telling me to shut up, thank you very much.
Edit: No, actually I have more to say on this.
You said:
My original comment included this:
Looks to me like I said what is wrong. How far in depth do I have to go before you're satisfied? Do I have to give line-by-line examples? Do I have to give actual corrections? Do I have to go to the author's house and type it out for him?
No, I don't. The author is entirely capable of researching this on google, which is something he will do if he thinks correct dialogue punctuation is important. If he doesn't, then he won't. He can write what he wants, and he can decide for himself what's important in his writing. People are going to offer their own opinions, but nobody's able to make his mind for him.
Further, I think just spoon-feeding this stuff to someone is detrimental. First, nobody asked you how to do it correctly. Second, if you just give it to him, then he doesn't own the knowledge. He doesn't feel proud for going out and learning how to actually do it. You're depriving him of a valuable experience where he can improve through his own initiative.
So before you tell me to "be constructive" and "help or shut up", I'd think long and hard about what you're actually talking about.
I have barely started and I already love it.
Hah, little blue colt is beeing awesome.
One Magic Surge and he summons the Overlord of the Underworld.
Wonder if he will get any credit (Good or Bad) for that. I mean, summoning the Lord of Hell must at least be on the level of Hatching a Dragon and turning your Parents into Pot Plants.
7398736 Not trying to start a conflict here, but what exactly is the point of commenting on the fault / faults of someone's story, and then not providing a single bit of information as to what is wrong with it? This individual here, while using some plot and events that I might personally find questionable, has relatively technically sound writing. Therefore, they're not a lost cause, and pointing out what is being done wrongly could very well spur them on to learn and therefore write at a higher technical level than they currently are. If you're not going to take the extra minute or three to explain such a thing, then why comment in the first place?
EDIT - While yes, technically speaking you provided an inkling, giving a brief foundation is not being spoon fed. You and I both know that rule set of dialogue punctuation has a lot more than the mere two examples I provided. But, it still takes so little effort to give the beginnings of a foundation. At that point, it's up to them to try or not. shrugs. Anyways, probably all that either side needs to state here.
BLOOD FOR THE... oh. Never mind.
7398780
I commented in the first place because the punctuation was wrong, and glaringly so. In regards to the content, because I don't find it offensive, I don't care whether or not the author wants to write it to the point where I'd bring it up in the comments. That's his business.
And dialogue punctuation isn't such general topic that I need to point out exactly what's wrong. A ten second google search would have given all manner of resources which gives the specifics on how to punctuate dialogue. I searched "dialogue punctuation rules" on google, and this was the first result. It was the easiest thing.
If I thought the author was a lost cause, I wouldn't have commented in the first place. That doesn't mean I'm going to spell everything out for him; that's a waste of time, because nobody really learns anything other than the fact that the person doing the spelling-out is a huge sap.
EDIT: And I have yet to hear anything from you about telling me to shut up.
THIS IS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!
Thank you for putting the clop somewhere else.
7398494 yes. Although a servants quarters, it is still probably better furnished than most of the town
And now for sunbut to rain on his parade.
Aaaaaaaaand the fecal matter has hit the air circulation device.