What would happen if a human were to cross dimensions into an unfamiliar universe, where everything is apparently an Anthro? That human is Rhoe. His world is soon going to change, making him move on of past tragedies. Ready?
Decent, not bad at all, including the character act like when they get transported into another universe. Some mistakes here and there but you did warn us your writing and grammar is rusty and cannot fault that. Overall Im curious to see what happen next.
...That was a bad idea. It's jarring and bad for the flow of the narrative to put [insert reader name here]. Honestly, it would be much better if you were to stop trying to make this a reader insert story, and just make it a story about the character "Rhoe".
Dear Celestia there are lots of grammar errors here. I guess I can show you all I've seen.
The story seems too much of a fiction, like when a kid's dreams of an imaginary friend.
kid*
Our reader, whose nickname is Rhoe due to an accident he got while being a child by its friends' mocking, was staring into the window with a little bit of sadness in his heart due to the lack of 'Life' in his daily time.
This sentence hurts to try and understand. Lets try it this way:
Our reader, nicknamed Rhoe because of an accident that was caused by his friends' mocking as a child, was staring out the window with a hint of sadness in his heart. It was mostly due to his lack of 'Life' in his daily routine.
Merely a suggestion tho.
He would often go to work in a typical skycraper in one those gray, boring desks with a computer in front as an Engineer.
Skyscraper* (Also the next sentence should have a semicolon instead.)
He snapped out of his mind as soon as a lightning bolt stroke with great force nearby, echoing loud enough to reach his ears and wake him up. Rhoe sighed moments later regretting the choices he made in his past after he got up from his chair in his small, cramped, yet expensive apartment. If it wasn't enough, the place looked like crap the moment he moved in the day after he got the 'Not-so-hoped' job.
was forcefully pulled*, was pulled from his thoughts*, stunned out of his mind* struck* that*
He probably skipped dinner because he didn't feel very well that night, all he could think about was the possibility that if his life were to change, he wouldn't mind.
Semicolon instead.
Of course, it was all fake in the end, just another entertainment for people.
semicolon after 'end' add 'piece of' after 'another'. Makes the sentence more fluid.
Rhoe was staring into the ceiling and decided to go bed just call it another night.
I'm just going to remake this sentence:
Rhoe was staring at the ceiling before he decided to go to bed and call it a night...again.
He wasn't very popular with women, and everytime he got teased by a woman he couldn't handle it very well and often he would go to shy mode where every single move on him, he would deliver an innocent answer to it.
no comma after women every time* this is a run-on sentence. Remove 'and' and place a period there. I have no idea what this means.
That issue still resides inside him, reason why he doesn't have a girlfriend.
remove comma and add 'and is the'.
With a few yawns, Rhoe finally went asleep, but before he slept, he thought he heard two persons talking with an eering background sound in the distance.
I'll try to reword this:
With nothing more than a few yawns, Rhoe finally started to fall asleep. However, right before he entered, he thought he heard two people talking along with an eerie background noise in the distance.
wow... And I still have more then half left? Yeah, I'll just stick with this. the story premise is great, but the grammar leaves alot to be desired.
Decent, not bad at all, including the character act like when they get transported into another universe. Some mistakes here and there but you did warn us your writing and grammar is rusty and cannot fault that. Overall Im curious to see what happen next.
...That was a bad idea. It's jarring and bad for the flow of the narrative to put [insert reader name here]. Honestly, it would be much better if you were to stop trying to make this a reader insert story, and just make it a story about the character "Rhoe".
Also, you definitely need an editor.
"You are Equestria, the magical land of ponies."
Now I want a story where you wake up as Equestria and have to put up with the annoying ponies that walk on your head and eat your grass.
1# humm
4407437 yeah, it would be better to have another name.Or it could be changed to a second-person narrative.
Dear Celestia there are lots of grammar errors here. I guess I can show you all I've seen.
kid*
This sentence hurts to try and understand. Lets try it this way:
Merely a suggestion tho.
Skyscraper* (Also the next sentence should have a semicolon instead.)
was forcefully pulled*, was pulled from his thoughts*, stunned out of his mind*
struck*
that*
Semicolon instead.
semicolon after 'end'
add 'piece of' after 'another'. Makes the sentence more fluid.
I'm just going to remake this sentence:
no comma after women
every time*
this is a run-on sentence. Remove 'and' and place a period there.
I have no idea what this means.
remove comma and add 'and is the'.
I'll try to reword this:
wow... And I still have more then half left? Yeah, I'll just stick with this. the story premise is great, but the grammar leaves alot to be desired.
I think this sentence is missing a word or two. Also, aced?
wow I would Hate Twilight for the rest or my life...