I often wonder about that day. Was it all worth it? Why did it have to happen? Was it worth all the agony I endured to this day to have those brief years of joy?
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 21st Apr, 2014
- offline last seen April 14th
Smaug the Golden
All is not lost; the unconquerable will, and study of revenge, immortal hate, and the courage never to submit or yield: and what else is not to be overcome?
Smaug the Golden
Joined 21st Apr, 2014 ·
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No words, except memorably beautiful.
So... sad!
And beautiful.
I can't.
It's a fair story, but (and maybe I missed it) what happened to cause this? Did Tirek succeed and leave Discord with his power or what?
4403904 I kind of left it up to the reader's imagination. I didn't have a specific plan for what happened to destroy Equestria. I was simply writting about what happened afterwards, so I thought that it didn't matter as much what happened as to what happened afterwards.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN SO FUCKING DEEP IN MY FEELS AAAAARGHHH
I almost cried~
4426301 Glad you liked it.
.... Wow.
You said you were Thirteen? Damn.
Okay, a review for a review. So here it is.
I was dreading this, truth be told. When a teenager tries to write sad and dark, it usually turns out Twilight or worse.
But you shocked the hell out of me. You did the best thing you could do with a story like this.
You focused on the CHARACTER'S pain. Not your own.
And good GOD was it effective! When I read good fiction, I should hear music in my head. And I did here.
Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Lorde for the first chapter.
Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley for the second.
If you want a negative...
Never write this scentence again. Ever. If you see this scentence you are doing prose wrong.
Other than that, you got a bright future you ahead of you Smaug! Keep it up.
Its...BEAUTIFUL! Truly a masterpiece like none I have ever seen before!
I'm glad you included the ending that you did. It lets me believe that Discord was dreaming, or that Ponyville is still there, and everypony just moves through the universes where it exists when they die.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of story: The Path I Tread
Grammar Score: 8
Pros
-A great insight look at Discord's more emotional sight
-Touchy feelings
-Well written, but...
Cons
-A few errors were spotted
-Confusing exposition scene
-Weak prose
Notes Section:
You definitely expanded on Discord's mind. Here, we see him, not as his cocky self, but a saddened soul suffering lost. It was a great concept in which you have greatly expanded on. I've seen many Discord-after-season-4-finale stories, but yours was one of the more in-depth ones. The feelings were great! By the time I ended the second chapter, I could really feel the many emotions you tried to put in this. It was sad to a happy degree, and that's never a bad thing. The writing was quite exceptional as well. Your grammar and formatting was a solid effort, but there were a few errors I spotted.
Supposed to be 'your'.
Whenever there is an ellipsis, you never capitalize the word after.
You need a comma between 'fool' and 'Discord', for you always need commas when addressing someone through dialogue. Also, shouldn't there be a question mark after 'friends'?
Sentence fragment. You should put these two lines together. Why leave out a four-word sentence out? Colon, semicolon, dash, whichever way works best for you.
These errors repeated often, but nothing too major.
Now, the exposition scene. The way you introduced your story with first and second paragraph was not the best. I was very confused as to what was going on and what time-line I was reading. If it weren't for the cover picture or character tag, I would have no idea it was Discord who was talking, nor would I have known it was an alternate aftermath of the season 4 finale. So your exposition scene was quite bad, and only for your author's note at the end did I grasp the story a lot better.
Your prose was very thin and scarce. Sure, this is a first-person story mostly done through dialogue—I get that—but when the instances came where you were describing the scenery, your descriptions were weak. All you did was say there were fire and rocks, and... more fire, and a burned ground. These descriptions were a great turn-off for me as I had a hard time imagining what I was suppose to look at.
For the exposition, I'd recommend to add some sort of reminder showing that this is indeed the aftermath of Discord.
For prose, try to make your descriptions longer, and try to use a few heavy vocabulary words. They always work for me!
The best you can do is get a proof-reader. Don't get me wrong, you are a great author with amazing writing skills, but it wasn't perfect. Nothing is perfect, so I can bet I'd recommend an extra proof-reader—or at the very least a pre-reader—to all stories out there.
Overall, good fic with good emotions to it.
Enjoy your review. As for my review, I'd recommend you to read this story: "Time and Thoughts are Different, Twilight"
4663162 Thanks for the review. I'll head over to yours. As for the question after friends, Tirek means it as a statement more than a question. Thanks for showing me my pros and cons.
Good job handling your tone honestly. Sad/dark has a tendency to get heavy handed. That was not in evidence here.
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
4724548 Thanks. I'll be squee-ing for the next few hours.
4724628
You're welcome. Just remember to breathe or else it's thousand year hiccups for you
I...I...why? I'm actually crying , and that is hard to accomplish. Well done...* voice cracks* Well done.
4728004 I just made Sauron cry.
Get back in there tear!
Does thy think they could help me with a story?
Its okay if you say no.
Wow... Just wow! This story was Excellent!
4771573 I might be able to. Respond in PM and I'll see what I can do. Glad you enjoyed the story though.
This.. was.. beautiful.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
6320183 6320104 Glad you liked it.
Been a while since anyone's commented on this, glad that new people still find and enjoy it.
This was nice. Sad yet nice.
Full review here, but in brief: interesting to see a post-apocalyptic setting written before the S5 finale! Shame it's so unremittingly woe-filled, though.
well not being able to see the computer screen, is a little bit of a problem!