Bolero's Extremely Forward Feelings

Eclipse LunarSol

Eclipse LunarSol #1 · Apr 21st, 2014 · · · Ch.3: Promoted to Princess! ·

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I enjoyed this.

Ponyminer64

Ponyminer64 #2 · Apr 21st, 2014 · · · Ch.3: Promoted to Princess! ·

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What an amazing fic, I really loved reading it.

The only thing that peeves me in this is the fact that you used this(&) instead of the word "and". Other than that, loved it. Really funny especially when you mentioned the whole "kink" concept. I hope you will write more like this(except for the clop part, maybe...)

Iroh Legoman

Iroh Legoman #3 · Apr 21st, 2014 · · · Ch.3: Promoted to Princess! ·

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I donot know how I feel about this fic....

Zephyr

Zephyr #4 · Apr 21st, 2014 · 1 · · Ch.3: Promoted to Princess! ·

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...what?

No, seriously. What?

Also, I presume Burn Warden is Flash Sentry's R63'd version, correct?

...

I need to sleep, I hear the birds chirping outside...
*looks at clock, it reads 6 in the morning*
Sleep is for the weak anyway!

-Zeph

Riz

Riz #5 · Apr 21st, 2014 · · · Ch.3: Promoted to Princess! ·

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Not a bad one. Will there be a Barb/Spines fic one day soon /

Freewing Alchemist P

Freewing Alchemist P #6 · Apr 24th, 2014 · 1 · · Ch.2: All of this Just for Promotions? ·

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"That's a good gir,

I knew that wehn i saw

just some problems with a few words

Bolero told her as he used his magic to force

This sentences made no sences.

"(This is so wrong, but why am I doing it!? Why am I giving into him?)"
"(Yes, she's seeing it as well, that we were made for eachother, but she requires more training!)"

you kept using () marks ever where/
Still very fun story to read I give it a thumbs up.

Revenant Wings

Revenant Wings #7 · Apr 24th, 2014 · · · Ch.1: Oh, You're Definently my True Love! ·

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Gleaming Shield, the older sister of Dusk Shine was just taking inventory with her clip board and glasses until.

Not a complete sentence. Placing an ellipses ("...") would make this gramatically correct. Also, it's a rather abrupt start.

I mean she's still a rookie

Unless you're trying to go for comedy, this is generally frowned upon.

because of that look Bolero has in his eyes and the obvious rape face

It's better to pick apart the details of an expression than just to say "the look in his eyes" or "obvious rape face". For example, you could say that he was looking hungrily at Gleaming, or that he had half-shut eyes and a mischevious grin on his face though his previous dialogue was said with a tone that said he was lustful or something like that. It draws a reader in more.

Then he frenched her, [...] Bolero then let go 5 minutes later.

More detail needed. Thought process is good, but it's possible to do a separate paragraph for each of those emotions, as well as showing more advanced reasonings behind them. Gleaming thinking about fighting back with magic can show things like imagine spots of how she would use her magic to do so. The reasons for assaulting royalty could come with extra feelings of panic and imagine spots, such as panic at losing her position and such and how it would happen, etc.

"O...kay." Gleaming was shivering.

Detail needed again. This is probably a harrowing experience that came out of nowhere; there's an entire reason and thought process behind why. And yet it's possible you could make another thing of panic by implying she liked it.

I've made a lot of comments about detail, detail, detail. This is for the following reason: this 'chapter' is only 332 words, hardly a scene. With a little more detail, it could triple it's length and further draw the reader in with more emotion put into the writing. You have a basic story line down, you just need to start putting the meat on the bones so the taste is as succulent as the smell.

EonCrystal