Gleaming Shield, the older sister of Dusk Shine was just taking inventory with her clip board and glasses until.
Not a complete sentence. Placing an ellipses ("...") would make this gramatically correct. Also, it's a rather abrupt start.
I mean she's still a rookie
Unless you're trying to go for comedy, this is generally frowned upon.
because of that look Bolero has in his eyes and the obvious rape face
It's better to pick apart the details of an expression than just to say "the look in his eyes" or "obvious rape face". For example, you could say that he was looking hungrily at Gleaming, or that he had half-shut eyes and a mischevious grin on his face though his previous dialogue was said with a tone that said he was lustful or something like that. It draws a reader in more.
Then he frenched her, [...] Bolero then let go 5 minutes later.
More detail needed. Thought process is good, but it's possible to do a separate paragraph for each of those emotions, as well as showing more advanced reasonings behind them. Gleaming thinking about fighting back with magic can show things like imagine spots of how she would use her magic to do so. The reasons for assaulting royalty could come with extra feelings of panic and imagine spots, such as panic at losing her position and such and how it would happen, etc.
"O...kay." Gleaming was shivering.
Detail needed again. This is probably a harrowing experience that came out of nowhere; there's an entire reason and thought process behind why. And yet it's possible you could make another thing of panic by implying she liked it.
I've made a lot of comments about detail, detail, detail. This is for the following reason: this 'chapter' is only 332 words, hardly a scene. With a little more detail, it could triple it's length and further draw the reader in with more emotion put into the writing. You have a basic story line down, you just need to start putting the meat on the bones so the taste is as succulent as the smell.
Not a complete sentence. Placing an ellipses ("...") would make this gramatically correct. Also, it's a rather abrupt start.
Unless you're trying to go for comedy, this is generally frowned upon.
It's better to pick apart the details of an expression than just to say "the look in his eyes" or "obvious rape face". For example, you could say that he was looking hungrily at Gleaming, or that he had half-shut eyes and a mischevious grin on his face though his previous dialogue was said with a tone that said he was lustful or something like that. It draws a reader in more.
More detail needed. Thought process is good, but it's possible to do a separate paragraph for each of those emotions, as well as showing more advanced reasonings behind them. Gleaming thinking about fighting back with magic can show things like imagine spots of how she would use her magic to do so. The reasons for assaulting royalty could come with extra feelings of panic and imagine spots, such as panic at losing her position and such and how it would happen, etc.
Detail needed again. This is probably a harrowing experience that came out of nowhere; there's an entire reason and thought process behind why. And yet it's possible you could make another thing of panic by implying she liked it.
I've made a lot of comments about detail, detail, detail. This is for the following reason: this 'chapter' is only 332 words, hardly a scene. With a little more detail, it could triple it's length and further draw the reader in with more emotion put into the writing. You have a basic story line down, you just need to start putting the meat on the bones so the taste is as succulent as the smell.
wha da buck
4952100 Omg this was my old account I forgot all about it until I saw this I was wired