- Member Since 11th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen February 12th
Crysis Commander
You do you the best you can do.
Crysis Commander
Joined 11th Mar, 2012 ·
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- Crysis Commander · 9.8k words · 26 4 · 1.5k views
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Can't wait for the next one!
I'm sad about Rarity, though.
Usually I don't read romance. Usually I don't read dark. This is alright though, not sure why. The characters seem to be fading in and out of character on occasion. This might be because I find romance to be out of character in general, and I think 'Cupcakes' has somehow edited your head-canon; Pinkie Pie is one of the least violent and most optimistic ponies there is. Continue your writing.
Cool story, but why are the characters showing such little long-term emotion? Half of the mane six are dead, for crying out loud. Not to mention Applejack's entire family and all the other ponies of Ponyville. Also, you just wanted to include guns in your story, didn't you- Heheh, good idea.
405493
I'll try to work on that. Thank you for your input.
Tyranestia will pay for this.
That... that was truly creepy. Dang it pinkie what kind of idiot do you have to be to go and eat an UNCOOKED leg?! At least cook it FIRST!
405493
413342
Actually, it makes sense that they'd simply be unable to comprehend it at this point. They're in the denial stage, thinking this is all a dream. A very convincing dream maybe, but a dream.
That certainly won't last very long I'm sure... but hey, it's something. Also, why go to Canterlot where all the trouble will be? Everfree is rough, but Zecora is there, and last I checked The old Castle had a single Bridge to defend. Very secure and with some work it could be livable... though considering that you need 4-5 K individuals to maintain biodiversity... they'd be in deep trouble.
521300
Wow. You have given this more thought in one comment than I have given it in four chapters. You just gave me several ideas. Thank you.
522853 You're Welcome. Knowing Twilight, she'd figure that out pretty fast... but again their chief problems in the long term are:
Population (unless ponies have an exponentially higher genetic diversity level than others and are capable of prolonging the species with a tiny number of families... which they could be considering the cake family)
Food Supplies (which could be remedied if they can find a safe place to make a farm, and I know that plateau with everfree castle has enough)
Security (which is practically assured if they move into the old castle and edit the bridge. The pegasi zombies don't seem to fly much and even if they did some fortifications to the castle would fix that. Plus they have guns.)
and The Salvaging of their society and culture (granted, that's a bit broad, but if they lose all their history and knowledge, then in the end they will build a culture around survival only, and lose everything that they were. This will logically result in a government structure coming around after they secure a base)
So far you've got a good team of survivors built up. Twi, Fletcher, Gear, Applejack, and a few others, but that's not enough for long term survival. When they secure a base like everfree castle, it would only be natural that they'd go on forays to acquire more supplies and rescue survivors.
And then you've got the aforementioned repressed psychological trauma. How long until it finally hits them and brings down the house of cards?
Will Twiliight try to remedy the situation and her unwitting role as harbinger of the zombie apocalypse by using science and other means to counteract the zombification? Perhaps something like in the flashgame Sonny? (A game where you play as a zombie that regained sapience for some reason and play as the hero) to bring most/all of her friends back? Knowing magic, it would be easy to develop something like that... though rarity would die again instead of be that ugly.
Lastly... how do the magic-zombies work? does their flesh not rot? Will they decay over time? do they get more intelligent from consuming pony brains? Are there mutation forms? These questions are vital. Zombies don't procreate, so that limits the numbers they can come at you with, but what will happen later? will they decay until there are none left or did the magic negate that typical rule of Zombies?
And how long until Twilight's twisted mind realizes that going straight to the one that used her to initiate this atrocity isn't the best idea?
What about Shining Armor and Cadence? Did they escape?
Why in the name of Lauren Faust is Celestia doing this? No one could believe that her normal self would, and zombies don't have love for changelings to eat.
So many questions so little time... I suppose it depends on how many more characters you want to sacrifice before moving to the next stage of the zombie apocalypse.
They are:
Escape
Survival
Fortification
Aggregation, and
Extermination
ATM, you're between escape and survival.
Man that was a crap-long post.
523097
Why I never thought of any of this, I will never know.
But, on the bright side, you have really given me new determination to continue this story. I was thinking about a permanent hiatus for this one, but you, good fellow, have shed new light upon this almost-doomed tale. Thank you for your input and your realism of where this is at.
524495 No problems! if you have any other things on this story you want help with, just ask! I may not produce much in the way of literature, but that doesn't mean I can't help people with their's.
It's fun to do that, especially when your own stories aren't that good.
Twilight accepting an offer for immortality in exchange for the lives of her friends? WHAT? Her bond with Celestia might be strong, but no desire for power has ever been made evident in her canon personality, but you've pulled a lot of stuff from your head-canon anyway. With the real characters, this just would not happen- Twilight's friendships with even one or two of her close friends (the only one remaining being Applejack, if I count correctly) being strong enough to deflect such a temptation. Or, she's been subverted somehow, as Fletcher thinks. Either way, Celestia herself is acting pretty weird. Well, at least the story's off hiatus.
582499
I have the feeling that you are taking this a bit too seriously.
This story, as I'm sure you have guessed by now, does not strictly follow the show's cannon. I just write down what I think would be good, even if it strays a smidgen from the cannon.
I like that you are paying attention, though.
584390 I plead with my readers for critical analysis, so it'd be inappropriate to never provide it myself. A smidgen is a bit of an understatement, but I shall continue to follow, don't worry about the story's darker and edgier touch.
celestias a wee bit off her kilter anyway luna killed spike? wtf? nvm just let me know how long has twi ben in on this plan?
587963
The whole time.
i cant believe i didn't get it from the beginning o and was it willing or was she mind controlled into it?
587982
All shall be revealed in good time, my friend.
588110 thats what i'm both hoping for and afraid of.
588113
Then be hopeful and fearful.
so how long till your next planned chapter? the story's been pretty good sofar and also i can somewhat see twi's reasoning for joining celestia on this.
588141
Well thanks to a Thespurgin, I have new determination to finish this fic. I should probably have the next chapter out within the week. Two weeks tops.
588155 woot
looking forward to it.
Silly Celestia! Twilight's already escaped from Canterlot's caves before! She'll just do it again! Wonder what's next.
Bravo, great chapter!
Well, that was easy. Go on...
656887
Thanks!
i wasn't really looking, but i found two errors:
/SHe was followed by a tan unicorn,/ capitalised h
and /"No problem./ needs speech marks at the end.
other than that, great work, i really like this story.
658590
I fixed the errors. Thank you for reading and your input.
658625 no problem!
omg DIS IS AWSUM
685900
Thank you for your enthusiasm.
this is gonna be AWESOME!
Once more unto the breach! Time to kick some psychotic sun god ass!
I cannot help but be reminded of the Engineer's Frontier Justice from Team Fortress 2 when Twilight one-hit-K.O'd Celestia. She got a revenge crit. Anyway, a little fast-paced, but a pretty good ending, all in all. Nice work.
697570
I really appreciate it.
Now just to figure out which fic idea I have to do next.
Decisions, decisions.
Hay!
As I promised, I ended up reading the whole story. Initially, I thought I'd just comment at the end of each chapter... but then I changed my mind.
So, here is the review! I'll start off with some pro's and cons of your story... the things you should improve on and the things you should continue doing in future pieces.
Pro's
- I thought that this was a great idea, the story line kept me interested all the way from the beginning to the end.
-You had some really great dialogue, and used your arsenal of punctuation to really emphasis exactly how the character was speaking. It all flowed very well.
-Haha, loved the puns, made the story all the more enjoyable.
Con's:
-I found the story as a whole far too rushed. You need to slow down and do a little more development. Scenes to me seemed whimsical and jarred (due to the rapid pace in which the story was set)
~As a sub-point of the above, I thought that the deterioration of the mental states occurred far too fast. The sudden changes in mind really threw me off in some parts. They even went as far as make me laugh, say, instead of cringe. For a prime example, look at Pinkie and her sudden mental shift. I should be cringing at that point, not loling!
-On thing that I want to note is that I found your description of the world, post Zombie Apocalypse, to be inaccurate and unrealistic at times (you did have some good elements though, so it wasn't all bad). The deterioration of Celestia's castle is a prime example of what I'm talking about. The story only really spans over something like two weeks... right?
Neutral:
-Broken characters. Yes, this was a problem in the begining, but as the story progressed, I found it fixed itself. Either subconsciously or consciously, I noticed a great increase in character accuracy after RD was killed.
Comments:
-Weak justifications of various plot twists.
-Sounds like somepony has a crush on Twilight…. and I'm not talking about Fletcher
-Colts are male ponies! Fillys are female. Ya derp
-Special thanks to user: The Spurgin! (I noticed a needed increase in a few lacking spots after the comment he wrote to you... in the third chapter, I think).
-loled at the whole playing chess deal… very clever!
-Personally, I would have cut out the first chapter as a whole, or seriously reworded it.
-Celestia-knows-what… clever. I did like the puns you used, they were pretty awesome
- “just a colt” uttered by Gear Head in chapter four… it would be foal, if you’re referring to his childhood
-the whole story really reminded me of Left 4 dead... have you played it?
-YES! Clops news… fox news… so true.
-Zecora… Interesting.
Hope I could help
~Syn3rgy
740016
Again, why I never thought of any of this, I will never know.
But I really appreciate taking the time to give my fic a good look.
I guess I could take out the first chapter (being that it was my least favorite to write) and tweak a few things so that it all fits in. As for the mental shifts, I do realize that it is quite rushed (still working on the whole deal of not being lazy and rushing development of details. I'm a teen, what can ya do?)
Yes, you got me. Twi was my waifu while writing this. As far as characters actually being IN character, I'm still somewhat of an amateur writer so there are still many elements of my writing that I am continuing to work on.
Again, thank you for the advice and the feedback. I'm ecstatic that people such as yourself are willing to help out new writers like me.
740016
And no, I have never played Left 4 Dead being that I have a PS3 and not an Xbox 360.
740554 Good to hear you took my critique to heart!
And just between you and me, I'm only 18. The trick is that I started writing in grade 5, when I was 8 or 9 years old. Your age has no real grasp on what you can achieve... it's the experience that really matters
Just keep working on what you love to do, and i can promise you you'll end up being a great writer. As I said in my review, you have potential! 
I'm really glad I could help Baglez...
~Syn3rgy
Saw the Cupcakes pikie:reaction-"oh HELL no I ain't readin' this!"
1101771
Don't fight the love.
1106133
Why hello there, multi-commenter. You needn't worry about this story since it is already complete. I would go back in and change the mistakes, but I am currently working on more pressing things. Thank you for reading, though.
Atlease celestia was nice enough to seal the wound for him..
Hmm not sure how aj and the others (not flech) know about twilight thingy and accept it?
1258002
This was my first fic. Not my best work. If you want to see my best, check the other ones I've written.
NO FLETCHER! CELESTIA YOU EVIL ALICORN!
Interesting concept....... Will read later! Perhaps tomorrow!