- Member Since 11th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen February 12th
Crysis Commander
You do you the best you can do.
Crysis Commander
Joined 11th Mar, 2012 ·
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- Crysis Commander · 18k words · 36 9 · 2.2k views
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This is great!
Take my like! You deserve it.
2064003
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means coming from you, good sir.
wow!
70 views already! this might make the feature box... so long as your like to dislike ratio is good.
~Eee'yup
2064018 Please, I'm just any other person with an opinion drive.
You're welcome though.
not bad
i'll keep an eye on this
2064044
Glad you think it's okay.
2064022
You're a really amazing author, though. Much better than myself.
Well, characters are in character, story seems believable via canon, and your spelling/grammar is great. Also, love the plot.
Awwww it ended....have my like for making a touching story! (with insanity mixed into it)
Very touching indeed. Plus I like how well you characterized Twi. Good job, mate
I liked doctor sunshine.
2068224
As did I.
i love it
2073519
Horray! This makes me happy.
That's the problem with asylums. They spend so time convincing you that you're crazy, that by the time they get around to helping you it's too late.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/158/6/3/Padded_Cell_by_hope_is_overrated.jpg
This was a good story. Little grammatical errors, believable plot... kinda sad that it was over so soon.
Ah, well. Hopefully something equally dark and disturbing comes out of that noggin' of yours.
Y'know, the GOOD kind of dark and disturbing.
2365830
Glad you liked it.
i feel like this could be the new cupcakes
2513376
I'm not quite sure whether that would be good or bad.
2513386
lets look at both then
good: it could be really popular
Bad: people would call you a psychopath, and hate your guts
2513413
Sounds like a win-win to me.
2513417
lol
Before I begin my review, based off an awesome song by an awesome band? Oh, yeah, I'm reading this.
DancesWithBaglez? Ze doctor vill see you now!
Alrighty then, where to begin?
I believe we all have that dark, f*cked-up part of us that, on occasion, just wants to watch the world burn and laugh while it does. This story is an example of that, only as an outlet that doesn't end with humanities' extinction. Fics like this are good for the mind and soul, letting a little 'crazy' out. Now, as a story, I felt it was a little rushed. Jumping from scene to scene rather quickly. It's not bad, however. Personally, I enjoy long stories, but this story leaves a good length for readers of all stories. I saw one or two grammatical hiccups, but nothing that stode out and said, "HEY! This guy/gal messed up!" The characters are believable and reach out to the reader, much like the characters from Tell Tail's The Walking Dead, making you care about what happens to them or fear what they might do. The guards, however, I felt where not entirely believable as... well, guards. Yes, this is a horror fic and yes, it isn't required to be even romately realistic, but it's that sense of, "That could really happen" that gives fics like this a boost in the horror department. They (the guards) were excessively violent, reminding me that it is a story. Had they been less forceful (and less rape-ful) I think the story may have been improved, if only slightly. The way you portrayed it is a good way, but like a math test, has several "right" answers, one being more "right". Which one is, I leave up to you.
Overall, I enjoyed this story, from begining to end. I give it an 8 out of 10, and a thumbs up followed by a favorite. Good work my friend.
Oh, and one more thing; I couldn't help but imagian a German accent for Evil Incarnate, or Dr. Sunshine. It just fits, y'know?
2639833
Honestly, that's what I was going for. Thanks.
2812969
Isn't he, though?
More metal and insanity.
Congratulations; your story has good enough grammar to be added to the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.
I'm surprised though- you're using the premise that Celestia and Luna have been lying to everybody about being able to raise the sun and moon, and then just using it to put Twilight in an asylum? Seems like kind of a waste.
...This is madness.
Twilight's dip into insanity (killing Tweak, mostly.) comes from left field and is ridiculous, trying to commit suicide and being saved from an otherworldly being because his evil master still has plans for you is downright plagiarism, but I suppose you can't have everything.
I just: What? And what? Celestia, Twilight's friends, Spike? Dr. Sunshine is an embodiment of horror of ages past, and it was wrong to have such manipulative experiments done.
This needs a sequel...
I would have killed him, not in cold blood, but as he was on the verge of committing another act of horror.
3245996
Thanks for your input, but from the way I wrote it, the dip into insanity wasn't supposed to come out of nowhere. There were numerous hints towards her mental state deteriorating.
How is this plagiarism?
Upvoted and liked just for Disturbed.
3716100
Glad to see another fan of such an awesome group.
3716242 Yaay~
But the story was also good. In a fucked up way, but still. Was a good read.
3716324
Glad you liked it.
mameworld.info/ubbthreads/userfiles/311343-tick-bird.jpg
Hairy ticks! Hairy ticks everywhere!
*Has not read the story yet
*
This shall go on my read later list for now...
All I can say is this... HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY BE SO CRUEL!?! THEY SENT THEIR BEST FRIEND TO A LITERAL HELL TO DIE!!! AND WAHT ABOUT CELESTIA WILL SHE APPROVE OF THIS? PROBALBLY!!!
It's fucked up and sucks ass from the fact that you let the assholes win, fucking son of a bitch.
6309811
Eh, good guys can't win 'em all, right?
6309837 Perhaps not but that's the last fucking thing I'd want them losing and who it is they're losing to.
6309863
Yeah. I can understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea.
Eh, 2/10. A decent premise ruined by a few things as listed below.
Twilight herself jumps to the conclusion that Celestia doesn't raise the sun based on angles without considering that Celestia may have simply raised it faster than usual. Surely Twilight, the faithful student would have at least asked Celestia what was up before jumping the gun.
Twilights friends are massively out of character here as it would be wildly against any of their characters to get Twilight sent to any mental asylum, much less this one.
All medical facilities are a government thing. Even privately owned clinics and such need people with medical licenses. Which absolutely means that to legally run the place it has to be approved of. Which means both inspectors to make sure the patients are treated well and are in a healthy environment, and that Celestia herself has to know about it on some level. In other words this is treated by Celestia and the government as legally allowed.
The staff of this facility are all crazy, amoral, evil bastards just more or less for the sake of being evil. There's no motivation, no real reason outside of The Jokers griffon twin brother going on about his scars.
Twilight herself goes insane far too easily. Yes, we see her go a little cuckoo in Lesson Zero but full blown schizophrenia? Murderous tendencies? Suicide? A few beatings and a single rape would certainly be traumatic but to produce effects like that so soon? That's pushing it.
Then there's the demon fetus apropos of nothing.
All in all no character acts like an actual character. The plot hinges entirely on every single character catching a lethal case of 'the plot needs us to act this way'. The asylum has no place in a place like Equestria. Celestia and Luna are fairly amoral beings who allow heresy to be a thing in regards to themselves.
And to top it all off I can already taste the 'but alternate universe tho' as if that justifies most of what I've railed against.
Things possibly justified by alternate universe:
- An Equestria that bans heresy
- Friends considering having her committed
Things not justified by alternate universe:
- Friends having her committed to this place in particular
- The cartoonishly evil faculty having no character outside of raping fetuses out of pregnant mares only to eat it in front of them.
- Twilight 'snapping' so easily, jumping to murder twice, and jumping right to suicide without even considering the idea of fighting back.
- The cartoonishly evil faculty forgetting about the death collars all the inmates are wearing
- The Asylum passing anything even remotely looking like a health and safety inspection.
8040659
Yeah, looking back it was quite far-fetched both in premise and execution. One of my earlier works that I have since learned from. We all need stepping stones, after all. Thanks for your input, by the way! Means a lot to have something other than a "good job!" or a "this sucks". You gave a well-constructed response as to what was wrong with the story, and I appreciate that.
Hopefully I can learn even more what not to do in the future from this.
8041164 Happy to help, I decided to take a break from my usual comment style of
step 1: copy and paste line as quote
step 2: snarky response, snarky response in character quote, or snarky response in pic/vid form
step 3: repeat.
804116
THIS NEEDS A SEQUAL, WHERE TWI GAINS SOMETHING TO GIVE HER A FIGHTING CHANCE, AND SHE ESCAPES!!!!!! AND KICKS SO MUCH ASS!!!!!!!!!
So does this mean that Discord/Tirek/Chrysalis/Storm King is going to effectively take over Equestrian now that the Mane Six stupidly got rid of their own leader?
Sooo..her best friends,the bearers of the elements of Harmony(one of them being loyalty and the other honesty)didn't decide to...I dunno...TALK with her first?They simply took RD's words for granted and decided to put Twilight in a"dreadful place"?
Don't get me wrong,the premise is good and maybe the next chapter will be better,but I hoped for this chapter to be a little longer and more detailed.For a better impact,show us the elements arguing on Twilight's behalf,not simply deciding to treat her like a crazy mare.
10150170
If it's any consolation, with the Magic Element Bearer down, this Equestria will likely be taken over by the Changelings/Tirek/Storm King/etc soon enough. That would honestly be merciful at this rate for this AU.
My goodness that was mouthful of a read. I did like the Far Cry reference.