I'm going to post new stories again, I promise.
When Cheerilee falls in love with a mare she hardly knows, how will she survive, and, more importantly, what if said mare isn't the nicest pony?
Warning: DO NOT READ! This story is currently a badawful fic written by an author who had little to no Idea what he was doing and the majority of such was written past midnight. This story sucks, don't read it!
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Error I thinks.
The *crowed* had very divided reactions. Some ponies made “ohh”s and “wow”s in sheer amazement. Others felt a mare able to boast to such an extent could surely never work up the ability to prove such statements correct. Cheerilee just stared. She suddenly the heat of the sun having a stronger effect against her, especially her face. She felt trickles of sweat start to form on her forehead and her heart skipped a beat.
Errors me thinks.
She didn’t know what to do. Here entire life depended on the blue mare, if only for a day. But now, she couldn’t imagine life without her. Fresh tears poured from Cheerilee’s eyes, she didn’t mind, they had been doing that for the past few hours. The world outside was no dark and cold.
"Trixie came to...apologize. She was simply acting awful," (Full stop rather than comma)
In my opinion,
Chapter one was very good.
Chapter two had a good central idea but I would readdress the balance of the conversation in Cheerlie's favor so she gives out less detailed information using half truths, while the young colt is very idealistic and innocent in his advice, however as is the conversation seems a bit unrealistic given his age.
Chapter two point five, overall good, it would make more sense however if Trixie tried to impress Cheerlie earlier here and then changing her when it doesn't work, rather than suddenly Trixie turning up in chapter three and suddenly confessing for no good reason.
I would roll the ice cream part in chapter three into chapter two point five, since it took twilight a while (a couple of days) to beat Trixie, Cheerlie should be a filly for a while longer and only stops binge eating/being depressed after the change is reversed when Trixie leaves town.
Then have a whole new chapter (or two) afterwards where Trixie comes back and tries to get together with cheerlie, because as it is it's too quick.
Lots of
and hopes this helps, Hearts warmth
Kay...um...first of all, thanks for listening to me and commenting. However, this is my, like, second fic, so... It's bound. Have plot holes and stuff. In my opinion, I should simply quite writing fics past midnight. Also, thank you for the Ideas, I will put them toward future pairings, but this one will remain the way it is, imperfect.
Also, I know Ardent was really young, that was on purpose.
The "word of the wise" is a common theme in many stories, but it was always an old man, and besides, this is Ardent's special talent, so he's not going to be an average foal.
In any case, thank you, I'll try to make my next story a bit less rushed and unfounded.
Sort of rushed at the end there, sweet, but a bit confusing. No worse than a lot of Twixie, admittedly.
Enjoyed, but looking forward to later developments.
There are a lot of grammar and spelling errors in this story, short as it is. I would recommend reading through it and correcting them, as some of them are careless mistakes (i.e. forgetting to capitalize names).
Furthermore, there was very little character development, and the relationship just seemed to come out of nowhere. It was very rushed.
I feel that if this fic was redone and lengthened to make it flow better, it would have the potential to become something truly great. As it is though, it has the feel of a story that was written and posted in a rush to meet a deadline.
4012511 Thank you for your honesty, and well, yeah I agree this ended up being kind of...less amazing than I intended. I do plan on rewriting this in the future, but I am working on other things at the moment. As for the basic spelling errors and whatnot, I am still trying to find prereaders to make sure that doesn't occur in any future fics, considering writing on an I-Pad is usually prone to LOTS of errors.
Danke!
4012665 I don't use prereaders myself, but I generally limit my errors to the bare minimum. What I would recommend doing is after you write a chapter for a story, leave it for a day before coming back to read it over again after you've rested. More often than not you'll find a lot of errors you overlooked, as well as parts that just didn't flow very well since you were "in the zone".
Take a lesson from Finding Forrester: write your first draft with your heart, and your second draft with your head.
Why does this have more views than Life on Bridleway? This story is awful and poorly written I hate it! Go read my good stories, not this piece o junk!
Ardent was kinda... Ehh. Didn't like him. Way too mature for his age. At least in my mind since there was nothing backing up his maturity.
As many others and yourself have mentioned. This is terribly rushed. And rough overall. Though that cover image and the ship saves it from a downvote. soo.....
have a good day.
Is it fixed Yet?!
I kinda like the idea of Trixilee, and so want to read it.
Interesting take on 'Boast Busters',
Must....Read...More!
4278455
).
My thoughts exactly. This must be the 'bad stuff' that you were warning us on the synopsis (though usually that's the case with a OC involved anyway). Oh well....at least it's not as bad as 'Two More Between' (
Well....This is interesting.
Well it could have been done better, but never-the-less, I shall make sure to wait for this to be fixed.
Btw, Teen Cheerilee and Apologetic Tirixie is best Trixilee!
4821519 Jeez, way to just spam my inbox.
Well, yeah this is the "bad" version of Trixilee. As I have said in the past, I plan on fixing (maybe even rewriting, I dunno
) this fic once Life on Bridleway is finished.
Glad you like this ship I created (I love random nonsense ships, good days) and hope to see you when this thing is redone and shiny.
[shamelessselfpromotion] you should totally check out my other stories, though. I think you'll find them much better![/shamelessselfpromotion]
4825253
I'm not apologizing.
Good to know, and can't wait for this to be fixed, so I can properly enjoy it.
Well I think I mostly liked this ship after reading 'The Teacher, The Magician and The Wonderbolt' series.
I'll take a look when I can, thanks.
No man...just....no, this story I probably pretty good, but, the ship, it's different yes but, do you really see this as well, a ship? I'm not gonna down vote this, but pleas if you want to do ships that are different pleas be careful who you ship with who.
5570639 oh, I'm sorry to hear. :(
Why don't you like the shipping. I thought the two could work together. What exactly keeps the two from being a ship?
5573595 well fore starters I don't really see Cheerilee even wanting to talk to a pony like trixy.
Also, there personalities are to different fore me to see them working together, like if trixy just started boasting in front of Cheerilee I don't think they would get along.
Also I don't think Cheerilee is the type of pony to be a fillyfooler.
And I don't think that the filly's and colts at her school would look at there teacher in the same way again
And why would trixy be interested in Cheerilee?
All in all I just don't see it working, now I under stand that the story can have its own scenario where this could work but, looking at them in general I don't see it.
5573678 well, I suppose when you create a "crack-shipping" the point is that it's kind of odd these two be together.
Though, I really never shipped these two anyway. Just thought it would be a net Idea, I dunno.
I currently ship Trixie with Luna and Cheerilee with Twilight, if that helps any.
Also, Cheerilee's Bi, and the kids can just learn to except that theough the welcoming of other ponies' differences like they always do anyway (excluding Diamond Tiara, who would probably talk about how gross it is, et cetera, etc. )
5575659 vary well...
Wait WHAT!?!?!?!?
Twilight with.....Cheerilee and Luna and Trixie........O__o ya know what I'm not gonna question it any more.
comments
...
Why is Ardent british?
"I really like how ardent came out!" Really?!
One of my least favorite writers. Unsubscribe.
Oh, thank-fucking-CHRIST I'm done with this. Having to re-read this has been the cringiest moment of my life so far.
I apologize for ever posting this and ever thinking it was worthy of even the slightest amount of praise.
Please, if you're reading this comment, don't read this story. Just don't.
ow my feels
I would like more of this this is cute and awesome