- Member Since 30th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Feb 27th, 2016
Field Marshall Nuggetman
A wise man once told me- you should always follow your dreams and become what ever you want. So I became a brony. I wonder if that was a good idea?
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I really like this so far. Let's see where it goes from here
Ok I'm going to give you a few tips.
Tip 1. Don't post/update your story if it has bad grammar, I would rather wait 2 weeks for a good update then wait 2 days and get a short and rather terrible chapter, then wait another few days for it to be rewritten.
Tip 2. Short chapters are not always satisfactory to readers, so try to extend the chapters to about 1000-10,000 words.
Tip 3. If you don't have time to write don't write. (If you don't have time in your life you write a story don't do it)
Now I do like your writing style and the general concept but I feel like this type of story has been done too many times, so on your next story (if you choose to do another) try and think of things that have rarely been done or have not been done ever.
Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, that's edgy.
I like the concept but it needs a little work, but so far i would give the story about a 5.5 to a 6, but with some more work i think you can pull this off.
Not to be rude, but I highly doubt anypony or any living thing for that matter would be able to tell what his metal armor is made of from a mere glance.
And if they could, more then likely its been painted.
but yeah otherwise, the story has potential.
Concept is solid. I agree with 3857560 that it has been done several times, but I also feel like this is a first for the YHaY-verse, which gives it enough of a twist to be "new"-ish.
Unfortunately, I also agree with his first tip, and it very much applies to this chapter. You need a proofreader, and honestly, you should probably review basic grammar before you go looking for one, because this has so many errors that I suspect most proofreaders would flee in terror. I'm guessing English is a second language for you, so that isn't really a big deal-- sorta to be expected, I suppose. But excuses won't make more people read your story. :/
Anyway, if you get this looking good grammatically, and have a clear plan for the direction it's going in, could see this being good. Until then... I'm reserving judgement.
3858816
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OK I'll rewrite what ever you people want and I'm looking for a editor in the groups right now.
But heres the thing.
MIDTERMS
I'll try my best but i need my grades first.
3859780 yet again tip 3
3859840
Excatly
Kill celestia! Now!!!!
but loving the story keep up the work :)
3857692
So edgy, I can cut someone with it.
Would be better if bolt did nothing but absorb into his body then Celestia gets shot in the face.
3872377 3edgy5me
ok lets kill the bitch
So Celestia is trying to hide everything under the carpet?
WELL, NOT ON LENNING'S WATCH!
Kill them all. Have them tortured and raped and when the beg for death make them watch as you kill everyone in Equestria and only then will you allow them to die.
alright thats it iv got to make my own version! You did something similar to what i had in mind, putting a military person in the Your Human And You verse.
Properly, it would be "Yeah, don't all humans speak english?"
Just being a grammar nazi
3873324
Ok I'll fix that
The idea for the story is good, but a lot of it feels rushed and it has a lot of spelling and grammar errors. normally I wouldn't complain about a few, but this has a lot of them. I mean, every few sentences something is grammatically jumbled. You should get someone to proof read it, because many writers do this, and not because of being a poor writer, but simply because YOU know what you meant to say. That fact causes you to miss your own errors, because in your own mind, it reads correctly, just not on paper. someone else will read it and catch those errors. You also need to slow your pacing a little bit. moments of action occur in one or two sentences that feel they could be fleshed out a bit. Combat scenarios, such as here.
"Lenning quickly noticed a blue thing and dodge Rainbow while he grabbed Rainbow Dash's wing and threw her to a wall"
This could be re-written to being more than just one sentence. it could be written as
"Turning quickly, Lenning saw a blue blur as Rainbow sped towards him. In response, he dodged to one side, catching her wing and twisting to throw her hard into a nearby building. The force of his throw had snapped a bone, leaving Rainbow dazed"
The story as a whole is pretty good, and a solid concept of how a soldier would react to being thrown into a universe where his kind are slaves, but just flesh out your story, slow the pace and be more descriptive in important moments and you will have a much more entertaining story
3873493 I agree,
3873493 you took the words right outa my mouth
Ugh
I want to favorite this so bad but I keep thinking it's gonna be one of those that never gets finished.
Also, holy shit! Do you even read your own stories before you post them? You have no idea how many mistakes you find with just a quick review.
Where are you from? Arkansas?
Your ideas are gold, but your execution is is near pitiful.
You got enough total votes to make this something good but that all depends on if you want to put in the work or not. I'm seeing all of this even with my eleventh grade education so it's time to step up yo pimp game fo' it's too late.
dude you need some spell checking. Still a good chapter at heart. Just needs some polish. also this guy needs a show of power. Maybe a hardsuit gets teleported in and he opens up some asses with it? cuz seriously right now I think this guy is dead in the water without countermeasures to magic.
Thunderlane turned around and Lenning saw his chance. He grabbed Thunder lane's wing and twisted it braking the bones and then he took one of Thunder lane's arm twisting it and braking it as well. He took his VX and pointed it at Thunder Lane's head.
Break, not brake.
You called America 'glorious' and then gave a description that makes it sound like a apsolute shithole. Yep defently an American
3881229
I'm actually a Chinese American.
But the US has a great idea and law but it's the politicians that are assholes.
Well, lets start the nuclear carpet bombing
3883474
You must wait my child
Nice story idea. I only saw one mistake grammar wise and that was not using the plural of knife. Story wise, what are laser rounds? Is it a battery for a laser weapon?
3883501 But nuclear carpet bombing is fun! (Except for the one who's country is now glass)
YOU THINK YOU HAVE ENOUGH GEAR?!
Sins:
Story is Dull, Needs more Description, It looks like a fourth grader wrote this, How the [Censored] does Spike know what Titanium is when they live in a medieval time, The distance between town square and Twilight's Library, how the [Censored] did the ponies not notice him appear out of [Censored] nowhere? Why in the Hale would a sensible pony approach. . . never mind, Thunderlane's an idiot.
Sin Count: ∞
Sentence:
Torpedo to the Stern and Strait Up the Poop Deck
Reading this Fic:
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i.imgur.com/g6MCE.gif
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Sorry, It had to be done.
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Your opinion and comment truly helps with the improvement of this story.
Editor has a family issue and a more descriptive chapter will come out when me and him chat again.
-Nuggetmanu2 (Da God of Nuggets)
GRRRRRAAAA!
I love this story, but it just feels like your not putting any time into it. I'm sure you are trying, but you need to slow it down a bit, take the time to think about what your writing, re-read your chapters, and make your chapters a little longer.
I'll follow this story because I love these types of stories.
P.S. Try not to make it edgy.
3954170 I must concur with you and... well... every point you make.
grrrr
i hate celestia
I hope he can liberate the human race
and escape from confinement
(waiting for the next chapter
)
(biting their fingernails)
XD
VIVA REVLOSHEN BITCHES
4209962 b.vimeocdn.com/ts/148/609/148609972_640.jpg I could not have said it better my self.
Can't wait for more!!!! post quickly please!
I hope that humans get their freedom
and not one of those stories where humans are defeated
This story promises much
It's a decent idea, but the grammar and general dialogue makes my eyes bleed. Put more detail and thought into the dialogue, pace out the story, and make your chapters longer!
4209962
Viva La Revolution
I can spell check for you.
"if we use the elements of harmony along with mine and Luna powers we might able to hold them off"
Yeah no. I doubt magic can withstand a nuke.
4211464
Please do.
And send me something