In response to the complaints: The Stallion's Lines
Soarin groaned as Fluttershy disappeared. “If she’s not the mare, then who is? I need an expert to tame that crazy mutt I bought. The article in The Fancy Pants Daily said that there was no better caretaker in all of Equestria. I have to find her!” he exclaimed, taking to the sky.
The gray stallion walked back over to his table and sat down. “Hey, bro?” asked the mare sitting across from him.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Stop wiggling your eyebrows at every cute mare; it makes you look like you’re hitting on them.”
“But I was!” he insisted. “Well, hitting and trying to ask about getting a pet sitter for my date tonight.”
The clerk walked into his tent and grabbed his lunch. “I’m sorry little guy,” he said to the hamster. “Looks like you’ll just have to wait until after I’m off of work to get some fresh air in the park.
The hamster sighed.
“You see, I’m looking for a certain toy; and after seeing you in the magazine, I know you’re the mare to help me. Something long, thick, and hard would be optimal because I don’t know exactly what she likes, but I’m sure that whatever you use will be—”
“Nooooooooo!” screamed Fluttershy, spontaneously flying straight up.
“What? What?” asked the stallion. “No really. What.” Now how am I supposed to know what kind of bone to get for my marefriend’s dog? I don’t know what she likes! She could like a small chew toy for all I know!
He sighed and walked toward the nearest pet shop.
“Oh, that magazine. Of course I have! All the cool stallions read that one! And great picture by the way; they really got your best side! I—”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” she screamed, jumping over the railing.
“...think that it’s a great picture of you and all your animals playing in the meadow… what?”
Button Mash and Rumble returned to Button’s house. “Moooooooooooooooooom!” yelled Button, wiping his hooves on the carpet.
“Yes, Button?” she replied.
“Miss Fluttershy ran away! You’re going to have to help us wash Mister Fluffy!” he yelled, trotting onto the living room.
The sound of the back door swinging shut echoed hollowly in the house.
Baring his claws, Mister Fluffy looked at Button and hissed.
“Well anyways, I’ve got this problem that I need your help with. Ah saw you on the magazine an’ figured you would be the best mare for the job, since my sister is out doin’ who knows what. An’ Applebloom refuses ta help me, something 'bout needing ta be bigger first... Anyway, ah need you ta come and help me with a problem of mine. It’s about as long and wide as your leg, so if it won’t fit inside you—”
“I can’t take it anymore!” screamed Fluttershy, barely reaching the volume where it was actually above a normal pony’s speaking voice. Turning around, started running home as fast as her hooves could take her.
“Nope, not feeling all right. I was going ta finish with: ‘won’t fit inside your saddlebag than I can carry ‘im for ya’. But ah guess ah’ll just take the injured snake to the hospital an’ hope that they can do something’,” he muttered, heading towards the orchard. “Hopefully it doesn't bite me,” he groaned. “Fluttershy would’ve been the best mare to keep the poor creature calm, but maybe ah can bribe Applebloom with candy.”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PonyTom · 5.5k words · 367 78 · 4.5k views
- Kaf_Kraked_Poni · 2.6k words · 460 22 · 6.5k views
- Arwhale · 6.5k words · 490 16 · 7.6k views
- Final Draft · 3.8k words · 91 1 · 1.8k views
- Phoenix Kitten · 2k words · 367 31 · 3.7k views
- Commander202 · 2.8k words · 370 15 · 5.8k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.251 seconds
Total duration
982 users online
1,645,687 hits today, 2,829,583 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Bribe Applebloom with candy, Big Mac?
For shame, you silly-head.
I love that last line as it about sums up any older brother
A bit more of the story? I ain't complaining, I said it once and I'll say it again in a similar manner, the general populace needs to use their imagination and common sense more often, because when you call a story bad cuz' you can't comprehend it you make an author die a little on the inside.
And that's terrible!
3823027
ed up.
I'm so sorry...
They look so similar in GDocs!
It's either the bump at the top or the bottom, and I
This was a pointless chapter...
I mean... I didn't think it was that hard to get with what was already written.
Yeah, could have been a touch better in execution, but it at least worked.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3823077
I didn't think that is was that hard either, nor was it essential to the story to know exactly what they said; but people were making such a big fuss over it. If it was only a couple of people, or if they had all complained about different things, I would have left it alone. But I think that seven different people---who commented that is, meaning that many more probably felt the same way---commented on that fact.
Oh well, either way it's done.
3822715
When he's says "...fit it in you..." Fluttershy is cutting him off before he says anything else.
That would include the rest of the word he was likely in: "...fit it in your schedule." Or something else like that.
I never thought people would need more help getting out of the gutter than they needed getting in.
Nice fic. Surprises me how some people didn't get it though...
3822984
And when an author makes a poor choice in storytelling, tells an ancient, withered joke badly, and then insults the intelligence of their audience for not applauding their failure at humour, they make a reader die on the inside.
There's a word to describe the people who didn't very quickly realise that Fluttershy's interactions with the townsfolk were innuendo-filled misunderstandings: nonexistent.
I down-thumbed because this is a particularly bad example of a story based around innuendo, but it took me some time to work out why it sat so wrongly with me.
It's not the innuendos themselves: filthy single-entendres are fairly standard fare for this kind of story. Granted, it would have perhaps been more effective if the build-up had been slower, with the sexual references getting more and more overt as we progress to Big Mac as opposed to starting out with Soarin' having a BDSM-laced line right out of the gate, but that's neither here nor there. It would also have benefitted from some more creative hints toward the bedroom/hot-tub/park bench, instead of simply trotting out the obvious references to things being long, thick and hard--though I do commend the author for not having Button Mash refer to his mother's pussy--but, again, what innuendo is present in the story is perfectly serviceable.
Where I think the problem lies is in the ending, which falls flat on its arse because it doesn't pay off the extensive build-up effectively. Yes, Fancy Pants reveals on a general level that all of the misunderstandings are due to his magazine article, but all of the individual innuendos are left hanging, up for the reader to work out for themselves. And the entendres are not subtle enough for the innocent explanations to be deduced before all humour has drained out of the joke.
It didn't have to be this way, as the author clearly has crafted some creative solutions that reveal the innocent situation behind the innuendo-laden dialogue, but these aren't integrated into the story properly. I know that writing in third person limited means that one can't exactly break away from the character's viewpoint to actually, you know, give a punchline to the joke immediately, but that's no excuse for bad comedy. This could so easily have ended on a scene where a mortified Fluttershy returns to the market and apologises to the ponies she ran from, whereupon they reveal that they need a toy for their dog, help washing their cat, etc., etc., etc.
As it stands, it ends on another reason for a downvote: that Fancy Pants apparently thought that the best way to the heart of a mare with crippling social anxiety was to have photographers follow her around, distribute her image all over the nation, and ensure that she would be swamped by visiting strangers, and that Fluttershy finds this cute.
But those are just my thoughts on it.
This is very funny I hope that all got resolved
3824324 I didn't think the innuendos were very funny either, I was just annoyed and surprised people didn't know it was a misunderstanding right off the bat, also, the 'interesting' part of the story in my opinion was making up what the innuendos actually meant, by yourself, not needing to be handheld and being told every little detail of what they actually meant there's no punchline to accidental innuendos and some don't even realize they are an innuendo.
But I agree with you, aside from the last two points.
I thought what most thought until I read the last bit...then it became funny!
And you were right about leaving these lines out.
This is like the assumption song... Only not a song... And with fluttershy
Win!
Holy shit I had no idea
I did get a bit confused when Fancy said only one copy made it out to Twilight, but didn't really put enough thought into it.
Huh.
3823243
Thank you.
3823260
Thanks.
3823287
It was not actually. I used the idea of a Perception Filter from Doctor Who and modified it to fit the story.
3823644
3825584
Not in this story.
3823920
Fancy Pants already did that...
3824630
Thanks.
3824702
Not surprising. It's an overdone plot.
3824904
I wanted to do different, and different I did. Fancyshy for the win.
3825616
Yay! Misunderstandings!
3826084
Thank you. A lot of people don't agree with it however, which makes me sad.
3826163
Yeah... I'm getting that a lot.
3826319
It is.
3824324
Oh, hello, large comment.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
Well, at least you explained why you downvoted. I can only thank you for that.
People are silly.
Ok, so maybe we didn't know what exactly the stallions (or colt) were asking her for, but once Fancy explains the situation it becomes abundantly clear that it's all a classic case of misunderstanding!
You're genuinely telling me that people didn't understand that?
3827597
Look through the comments, and see for yourself...
3827212 Don't be sad, use it as a reference! Learn from your mistakes, so that next time you may write something better. Besides, if you take everything badly while writing these, you'll lose hope quickly. Ignore the trolls, learn from what others tell you, and keep on writing, and you'll become a better writer before you know it. (Might I make a suggestion: capitalize your chapter titles. For instance, "I have nothing witty to write here" would become "I Have Nothing Witty to Write Here". It looks...better, is all I can come up with.)
3825267
Well, thank you for the clarification
However, your idea of what is interesting about this sort of innuendo... I have to say that I disagree. I mean, yes, there is something to be said about allowing the audience to figure out the big picture from a few small details; you aren't wrong in stating that that is preferable to being told everything upfront. But the problem with this story is that we aren't given the small details, either.
Allow me to demonstrate this using a different kind of humour, and paraphrasing from Yahtzee. At its most basic, this sort of story well told is the equivalent of someone running into a crowded room, farting, and running off again; not much of a laugh, but not difficult to imagine, and nor is it difficult to work into more creative (and funny) situations. This story is the equivalent of a troupe of people walking into a crowded room, announcing that there are farts brewing within them, and demanding that their audience extract their emissions using the forceps and bellows provided.
3827597
I think most people got that. The main point of contention, at least for me, is how it simply being a misunderstanding was supposed to make this tedious slog funny.
EDIT:
3827232
Well, I should thank you, too, for taking it well. So thank you
3828207 I suppose you're right, I may be biased on whether the story was funny or not because of the fact that I don't even think innuendos themselves are funny and only read the story because I liked the writing style, author and Fluttershys reactions to said innuendos.
It's okay to not like the story, to not think it's funny, to downvote cuz Fancy got the girl and think Fluttershy was a 'floozy' because she still liked Fancy even after the bullshit.
But I don't think the author was saying everyone should get the jokes and think they're so funny they shit themselves. I'm pretty sure, and I hadn't realized this before, the thing Author might have been most likely annoyed at is that;
Some people didn't comprehending that Mag A had one copy circulated and Mag B was fully circulated, therefore Big M, Soarin, B Mash and the other ponies were not talking for realsies about sexual stuff, but some people didn't understand that.
3822921 Exactly! Everyone knows you should tell her she might get a cutie mark out of it.
Cute fic, I figured it was a case of a misunderstading but I think perhaps having the mane 6 realize and try to track her down to explain might've helped.
It was a bit oblique but still very funny.
Just adding my name to the list, I thought your misdirection was actually pretty good. I didn't even question it until Big Mac met up with Fluttershy. It was nice of you to add the after-comments on the extra chapter for those who didn't quite get it, but I do not think that their failure to recognize the misdirection is because of your failure as a writer.
I found your story quite amusing, managing to make me pity both Flutters and all the stallions' pets she inexplicably refused to assist. Solid work
3828207
I really don't even know what to say to that besides laugh....
3828448
3830241
3830913
Thank you.
3831320
Half of my stories have a Dark tag... so I would have to say that I like working in the dark as well.
3831791
No, that was Twilight who did the actual breaking in.
All those unfortunate set of strange, poorly-worded coincidences.
3833511
I know, right?
3833807
3834149
...You two clearly have very different concepts of comedy.
ROFL Isnt it amazing what you can misunderstand because of ONE thing.
3835758
Not a bad idea....
3836369
Just one little thing....
3837407
If that gave U an idea of a story I'd like to help you on. Ive only written a very short story about a RP character I play in chatrooms, but Id like to learn
3837925
I'm probably not going to work on anything related to this story for a while. I have too much on my plate as it is.
3839809
NP. if U need an editor though give me a yell. Im an avid reader sometime going through 2-4 books a week
3840142
I might take you up on that offer. More pre-readers is always nice.
3840228
NP. and like I said Im a great idea source, I have tons of ideas in my head for stories but I can never get them wrote (Typed) down.
3843976
...What? Excuse my lack of knowledge, but I don't know what that means.
MY SIDES!!!!
3850850
You will never know....
Or maybe it's both....
3853888
Me too. It's always nice to be right.
3844006 I means *ahem* sex
3894072
Thank you.
Oh look, an explanation chapter. Okay, I will make this as clear as I can.
The fact that you have to explain the joke is admitting failure.
If you tell a joke and people don't laugh, yes you can explain it and even if they get it at that point they're still not going to laugh because you didn't tell it right the first time! Yes I read over this and I'm still not laughing, and furthermore you could edit this into the first chapter to tell the joke properly you know. Still, I wouldn't laugh, because I have some taste in comedy.
They broke into her house and took pictures of her crotch. That's your set up. Think about that for a moment. That's not funny, it's fucking traumatizing. Furthermore it happened to Fluttershy of all ponies, and that just makes it worse! Then they leave all alone?! No. That is idiotic! These are her close personal friends and not one of them bothered to think that maybe someone should stay with her after a potentially traumatizing experience?! That is so far out of character I have no idea how you thought it would slip by.
To make matters worse I know Angel Bunny is a little asshole, but he's not exactly heartless, so him locking her out of the house is out of character even for him!
Now the "jokes". Oh god the "jokes". This is just driving nail after nail into the coffin, and I don't care what they were really saying. I really don't. At the end you even depict her in tears afraid to ever leave the house again. Congratulations. You officially traumatized Fluttershy! That's not funny. This deserves a tragedy tag, not a comedy tag!
Why the hell would she ever even look at Fancy Pants again after that? He's the reason it happened in the first place. The ponies that took the pictures should have a lynch mob after them, but don't think that means Prissy Pants is excused for this. He paid people to sneak into her house and photograph her. I don't care to what end it was, that is disturbing. By all means he should be charged with harassment because all I see here is a creepy stalker that had a half thought out idea.
3899961
You have some good points, and I always enjoy feedback.
Thank you.
Of course it was a snake.
Eeyup.
3980052
Thanks for the feedback. I always enjoy when people respectfully voice their opinion about my stories and offer constructive criticism, which you did.
But yeah, I got that a lot. Some people though the story was great, others thought is sucked. I tried to go for a slightly different spin, but evidently it didn't work out as well as I though it would.
Although... this paragraph confused me a bit:
I didn't quite follow what you were saying here. What exactly am I missing?
3980069
3980105
Ah, i was referring to how the story ended with Fluttershy waking up as if from a dream, then telling Blueblood that she'd dreamt of the day he'd finally introduced himself. I take that to mean that she was dreaming out a memory.
It's not missing anything, really, it's just that I've never seen someone pull off an "At the end of the story the character wakes up, some time has passed and everything we've seen was a dream about what led up to this point" type of ending. I have, however, seen it used somewhat well as a revealer/creative summarization leading up to the continuation of the story.
Perhaps it's personal preference though, that it felt out of place.
3980126
Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Okay. I understand now.
And yes, she did dream a memory.
*Shrug*
It must be.
3980145
Who knows? Not me. Okay maybe me, but I'm not going to go about telling people what I know.
Thanks for taking the criticism so well, it makes me feel better about having had something less than "Ermagerd so gerd" to say about something. I'll have a look at your other works and keep my eye on you for a while.
3980150
Thanks for the follow! And I hope you enjoy the next story a bit more than this one.
Most of them have better ratios than this one.
And thank you for being polite about your (less than worshipful) thoughts. I'm nowhere near the top of the totem pole and am always looking for ways to improve.
I can kinda see how someone can take the previous chapter the wrong way, but they would have to be glazing over the entire chapter to miss crap like that.
Also, It's kinda funny that half of the point of the story was about missing the point, and many of the readers seemed to do the same.
Also, it should be "The Stallions' Lines" since there are multiple.