This is the story of two ponies love for each other. Fluttershy and Macintosh reveal their love for each other. I handled this story gently so it is appropriate for all ages.
this is my second fic, so criticize me and let me know what i can do better.
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it's nice to see someone pairing big mac with a character that's not cheerilee.
personaly, i don't believe big mac and cheerilee as a canon couple, in fact, i think in the end of the valitime's special, they were just pulling the CMC's legs as pay back, then only walked away togather AS friends!
i'm faveriting this, though ordenarly i'm neutrol on dating fics, but, it's good to see someone not taking this macilee stuff seriously. i'll be sure to read this when i can, but the thing is, i kinda have a good idea how this play out: all dating fics are alike though, two characters have feelings for each other, one or the other has reasons to ether avoid the other, or the other likes the other, then one of them confesses, lovey dovey stuff follows. i am interested how this one exicutes the idea.
Something seemed off to me the whole way through this story. I think one of the main things that you did was that you had a number of times where you had the ponies say "Hi" then just followed with "they had a conversation and then went on their way".
You have a lot of time-skips that are just.... there. Your story basically goes "this happened. Then this happened. Then this happened" etc.
This was a pretty good story other then a few typos (which happens to everybody at some point) its a well writen story
Fluttermac! My second-favorite ship
350154 i assumed you have a first faverite?
Okay, where should I begin with this...
First, and this is very important, whenever you have two characters talking to one another, ALWAYS, and I do mean ALWAYS make a new line when the speaker changes.
Example A:
"Dialogue," said character A. "Dialogue," said character B.
Example B:
"Dialogue," said character A.
"Dialogue," said character B.
As you can hopefully see, example B is much easier to read, especially when the dialogue starts to stack up.
Second, about the beginning of chapter two... I actually can't tell what happened. One moment, you say that Fluttershy and Big Mac are standing in the plaza, but the next, Fluttershy is talking to Rarity and Twilight. I know it might be a flashback, but it's so awkwardly worded it's incredibly hard to tell. Try, for example, putting flashbacks in italics. It really helps to differentiate.
Also: "Fluttershy remembered to the day she bumped into him". That is... very hard to understand. Try rewording it.
Lastly, but not leastly, DO NOT JUST TELL US WHAT A CHARACTER SAID. THE CHARACTER SHOULD SAY IT THEMSELVES. So, instead of 'Character A said blah', it should be '"Blah," said character A.'
All in all, it's a very hard story to get into. The dialogue lacks emotion, there are some elements of the story that can be clipped out and nobody would notice, and it is way, way too short. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to downvote this.
350177 Thanks for the feed back. I will definitely work on that. I tend to rush things, and they come out less-than-satisfactory for some people, while others enjoy it. Thanks again.
Toolkit
DETAILS!
This is good, very heart-warming, please write more stuff
okey i love fluttermac and that why i give a try to this now i going to give some kind of review so you can get better at this
1° you need to make more dialogue between the characters you should try looking for some fluttermac storys to get an idea or any kind of story i would recommend you Shyness vs Kindness and Butterflies In Her Stomach
2° In my point of view it looked to simple for each one of the 2 to tell their feelings, i dont hink big mac would tell that easyli even to his family and well Fluttershy is shy even with her friends sometimes and i think this will be something that it would take some time to tell them that would give you more material for wirtting
and for last some grammar errors and the orders of some paragraphs
so keep up writting and dont give up its just a matter of learning and asking for feedback even to those that are not writers ( like me lol)
hope this review helps you
I must say i do love fluttershy and big mac fics...
But yes, i do fully agree with Frizzy. Details. Details. Details. Then more details.
MORE!!! :D
one word: D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
350162 yep, Flutterdash
I never understand why people think that mac and fluttershy are a good couple.
350634 well, here's my theory: it's because they're both have a certain level (but in their own way) forms of shyness. since Big Mac's a guy, he has the strong silent type shyness, he has done a good job to act like a good to hide the fact he does not know how to handle girls (at least my idea on Big Mac.) Fluttershy, based on childhood issues, and that she's called FlutterSHY, she prosesses the classic and ovivious form of shyness: the too scared to even argue over a petty dispute shyness (exsampled in the Iron Will episode) and she is always afraid of doing or saying something wrong to end up on someone's bad side. that's my theory, anyone got a better one?
The story seemed like a good start but there is some problems, I feel as though I could have written this and I'm not a writer. The other is the story seemed like it was rushed. If you took your time with each chapter this story could have easily hit 6000 words. Finally the ending was very anticlimactic when we hear that fluttershy needs to run down to the farm immediately we think of a tragic ending but instead is a month of bed rest. It actually saddens me because this story has so much potential
350277
Recommending my lil' fic? LacionARG, I'm flattered.
351249 oh common man its one of the best fluttermac fics i've had the pleasure to read in my life
and i just saw a fic about Big Mac as bunny and Fluttershy watching... can someone please tell me HOW IN THE WORLD I DIDNT SEE THAT ! ? lol
350849 I'm not much of an author myself. This was my first attempted at a romance story. I know it is rushed, and I will work on slowing down. Anyways, thanks for your opinion. It means alot.
Toolkit
That was pretty good, yeah it was pretty rushed, I would recommend expanding the dates a little more, everything was just kinda so fast. Besides that I liked it.
I this a pair I support. I'll probably hope this becomes in canon.
If it does, this would make so many bronies happy.
Pretty good. One thing I would suggest would be two start a new line for when somepony is speaking. You did it in certain places, but you almost always need to do it. For example:
"Howdy, AJ" said big mac while blah, blah, blah.
"Sup, Mac" said AJ, blah, blah, blah.
It just makes it easier to read. You should probably put the chatpers in bold, and align them to the left. That, and just expanded on the details. You have good description, albeit a bit short. And, as always, practice makes perfect. Just keep writing!
AWWWWW how cut I hope there's more.
Thank you all for the great feedback. I will remember it and do my best to implement it into later stories.
Toolkit
this is a very sweet story. i like that it isnt just about them making love and sleeping together. its a real love story, which is a nice change from the usual ships. you do need to work on grammar and tenses some though, and i think you should add a bit more dialogue. overall though, youre story is awesome. keep up the good work!
this is a very sweet story. i like that it isnt just about them making love and sleeping together. its a real love story, which is a nice change from the usual ships. you do need to work on grammar and tenses some though, and i think you should add a bit more dialogue. overall though, youre story is awesome. keep up the good work!
514375 Thanks for your feedback. I will defiantly work on that. I made this story like this because I didn't want to wait for someone else to, and didn't have time to search every romance story to find one, so I wrote my own. Again, thanks for your comment.
Toolkit.
:381682 I apologize, but this was just a one shot attempt at a romance story, and I don't expect to be writing anymore romance stories anytime soon. Sorry.
Toolkit.