The Secret Love

by Toolkit

Full Story

The Secret Love

Chapter One

It was a day just like any other in Ponyville. The sun was raising high into the sky, while the Pegasi kept the clouds under control. A pleasant breeze whipped by as Fluttershy went into town to do a little shopping. The first place she stopped was Applejack’s stand. She needed some apples for a fruit salad she was going to make for Angel, as a surprise for his birthday.

“Howdy, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “What brings you into town?” After a brief conversation, Fluttershy paid for her apples and went on her way. She needed to finish her shopping.

After an hour or two, Fluttershy was checking her list to make sure that she hadn’t forgotten anything. She wasn’t watching the path and bumped into another pony.

“I’m sorry,” she started to stammer out an apology as she looked up, and noticed that she had bumped into Big Macintosh. “Oh, hello Big Mac,” Fluttershy said softly.

“Hello,” Big mac responded.

“N-n-nice weather we’re having,” said Fluttershy, Trying to hide the fact that she was blushing.

“Eeyup,” responded Big Mac, pretending not to notice Fluttershy’s normally cream-colored cheeks turn a slight rose color. He turned away as a blush ran across his own face. After an awkward silence, Big Mac excused himself, claiming he needs to work on some stuff at the farm, although he couldn’t explain what. Fluttershy also claimed that Angel was probably worried sick about her, even though she knew he wasn’t.

After returning home, Fluttershy said ‘Hello’ to all her animal friends. She made Angel’s birthday snack and while he ate it, she went to her room. In her room, she scolded herself for not asserting herself and asking Big Macintosh to be her special somepony.

“I’m just too shy,” she said. “Besides, I’m not even sure Big Mac feels the same way about me. What I ask him and he says ‘No’?” She was so nervous just thinking about it. “I’ve liked Big Mac for a while now, but I just can’t bring myself to ask him if he loves me.”

Back at Sweet Apple Acres, Big Macintosh was undergoing a similar situation. After seeing to it that his chores were done, He went for a walk through the orchard. “Why didn’t I ask her,” he contemplated to himself.

“I know she has feelings for me and I have feelings for her, so why can’t I just go up to her and ask her to be my companion?” After about half an hour of walking and thinking, He sat down, and said, “I will not be at peace until I find out for sure. I have to ask her if she likes me.”

“Ask who if she likes you, big bro?” Big Mac was startled by the sudden question, and looked toward its origin. He saw Applebloom standing behind him. “Oh, sorry if I startled you, but you looked sad when you walked out here so, I followed you. I wanted to find out what was wrong. Then I heard you talkin’ to yerself, and kinda just listened in. Are you in love with somepony?” “Yes,” said Big Mac. “Who is it? I won’t tell nopony,” said Applebloom. Assured that Applebloom would keep to her word, Big Mac told her about his feelings for Fluttershy. “I just don’t know how to ask her. I’ve never asked a mare out before.” “Well,” said Applebloom. “When you’re ready to tell her, just be yerself. If she likes you back, she’ll say yes.”

Chapter Two

About a week later, Fluttershy was out again. She was determined to ask Big Mac if he liked her, IF she ran into him again. Little did she know, Big Mac was also looking for her as well. They spotted each other across the plaza. “You can do this,” they encouraged themselves. As they approached each other, they both became nervous.

‘There sure are a lot of ponies here,’ thought Fluttershy, getting ready to back out. ‘No, it’s now or never. I cannot fail now.’

Fluttershy remembered to the day she bumped into him. She was so worried that she completely forgot her spa date with Rarity. When Rarity asked her about it, she apologized and explained her situation.

“Well, darling, you need to fight for your love. Tell him who you feel about him. If he likes you he will say yes. If he says no, then it just wasn’t meant to work out in the first place.”

Just then, Twilight walked in to see if Fluttershy was ok.

“I saw you walking home looking kind of down. Are you ok, Fluttershy?” asked the purple pony.

“Fluttershy is love-struck over Big Macintosh.” Rarity responded.

“Love-struck, huh? Well the only thing that I can see to do is get it off your chest and just tell him.”

“I’m not sure I can,” said Fluttershy.

“Don’t worry,” said Twilight. “I mean the worst he can do is say ‘No’.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” said Fluttershy.

As Big Macintosh approached Fluttershy, He remembers going to Applejack for advice.

“Well shoot,” said Applejack. “If that ain’t the most interestin’ news I’ve heard all week. You like Fluttershy and ya’ll can’t work up the nerve ta ask her out.”

“Eeyup,” responded Big Mac. “What should I do?”

“Well,” said Applejack, “I reckon you should just ask her. What’s the worst that could happen?”

With those words in his head, Big Mac picked up the pace. He had to ask, or bear the burden forever.

Big Mac and Fluttershy met in the middle, but it was so crowded and noisy that they couldn’t concentrate.

“I need to ask you something,” said Big Mac, “but it’s too crowded here.”

“Me too,” said Fluttershy, “why don’t we go to the park where it is quieter?”

So with that, they left the town square and headed to the park. Big Mac was nervous, and as he looked at Fluttershy, he could tell she was nervous as well.

“Um… You said you wanted to ask me something,” stammered Fluttershy.

“Eeyup. I was wondering if you would like to, well to say that, um… you go first,” responded Macintosh.

“Well,” started Fluttershy, “we’ve know each other for a while now and I was just wondering if you, would, like to go out with me,” said Fluttershy, barely audible.

“Huh?” asked a puzzled Big Mac.

“Would you like to go out with me,” Fluttershy said, flinching, expecting the worst.

“I would love to,” said Big Mac with a smile.

Chapter Three

It has been a week since Big Mac and Fluttershy started dating. They have each been noticeably happier and harder
working. Big Mac harvested apples twice as fast as normal, and injured animals recovered faster under Fluttershy’s care. She was in her home, doing a little cleaning, when there was an urgent knocking at her door. When she answered the door, there was a concerned-looking Applejack.

“Ya’ll gotta hurry down to the farm with me,” she said.

“What’s wrong,” Fluttershy asked, looking worried.

“It’s Big Macintosh, he hurt himself again, and he wanted me to come an’ get you.”

“Oh no.”

“What happened,” inquired Fluttershy as they hurried towards Sweet Apple Acres.

“Well,” started Applejack. “He was out in the orchard, bucking apples, when a particularly large branch came loose an’
landed right on top of him. I found him struggling up the hill an’ I sent Applebloom to get a doctor. Big Mac asked me to find
you an’ bring you back with me.”

“That’s just terrible,” said Fluttershy. “I hope he isn’t hurt too badly.”

The doctor already examined the stallion by time they reached the farm.

“He has two broken ribs and a mild concussion,” said the doctor. “He’ll be bed ridden for a week and won’t be able to do anything too strenuous for a month, until he has fully recovered.”

Fluttershy was immediately at his side, hugging him gently, so as not to hurt him.

“Don’t worry,” the big stallion said, with a gentle smile. “I’m going to de ok, as long as I have you, I’ll always be ok.”

“I hate to spoil the moment,” said the doctor, “but Mr. Macintosh needs to rest.”

“Don’t you worry none, sugar cube,” said Applejack. “I’ll come an’ get you as soon as he’s feeling better.”

A week later, Macintosh was back on his hooves, although still in no shape to work. At six in the evening, the sun was going down, and he and Fluttershy were walking through the orchard, when Big Mac stopped suddenly.

“This looks like as good a spot as any,” he said.

Fluttershy was confused. Suddenly, Applejack appeared from behind a tree, carrying a saddlebag.

“’Bout time ya’ll got here,” she said. She removed her saddlebag and set it down. She winked at Fluttershy, who was still confused, then left the two in peace.

“What’s going on?” asked the cream-colored mare. Big Mac said nothing, but proceeded to unpack the bag. In it was a hoof-stitched blanket, a bouquet of flowers, a three-prong candle stand, which Big Mac preceded to light, a loaf of hayseed bread, some apple jam, and a fresh apple pie.

“I hope you like it. I made the meal myself,” said the Earth pony.

“It is more than I could’ve ever asked. Thank you,” said Fluttershy. As they sat under the stars, they shared a tender
kiss, and cuddled together as they ate together, enjoying the night.

Comments

[storiesatrandom]

it's nice to see someone pairing big mac with a character that's not cheerilee.
personaly, i don't believe big mac and cheerilee as a canon couple, in fact, i think in the end of the valitime's special, they were just pulling the CMC's legs as pay back, then only walked away togather AS friends!
i'm faveriting this, though ordenarly i'm neutrol on dating fics, but, it's good to see someone not taking this macilee stuff seriously. i'll be sure to read this when i can, but the thing is, i kinda have a good idea how this play out: all dating fics are alike though, two characters have feelings for each other, one or the other has reasons to ether avoid the other, or the other likes the other, then one of them confesses, lovey dovey stuff follows. i am interested how this one exicutes the idea.

[Spiffers]

Something seemed off to me the whole way through this story. I think one of the main things that you did was that you had a number of times where you had the ponies say "Hi" then just followed with "they had a conversation and then went on their way".

You have a lot of time-skips that are just.... there. Your story basically goes "this happened. Then this happened. Then this happened" etc.

[Princess Bronicorn]

This was a pretty good story other then a few typos (which happens to everybody at some point) its a well writen story

[emberghost]

Fluttermac! My second-favorite ship

[storiesatrandom]

350154 i assumed you have a first faverite?

[BrassHeart]

Okay, where should I begin with this...
First, and this is very important, whenever you have two characters talking to one another, ALWAYS, and I do mean ALWAYS make a new line when the speaker changes.
Example A:
"Dialogue," said character A. "Dialogue," said character B.
Example B:
"Dialogue," said character A.
"Dialogue," said character B.

As you can hopefully see, example B is much easier to read, especially when the dialogue starts to stack up.
Second, about the beginning of chapter two... I actually can't tell what happened. One moment, you say that Fluttershy and Big Mac are standing in the plaza, but the next, Fluttershy is talking to Rarity and Twilight. I know it might be a flashback, but it's so awkwardly worded it's incredibly hard to tell. Try, for example, putting flashbacks in italics. It really helps to differentiate.
Also: "Fluttershy remembered to the day she bumped into him". That is... very hard to understand. Try rewording it.
Lastly, but not leastly, DO NOT JUST TELL US WHAT A CHARACTER SAID. THE CHARACTER SHOULD SAY IT THEMSELVES. So, instead of 'Character A said blah', it should be '"Blah," said character A.'
All in all, it's a very hard story to get into. The dialogue lacks emotion, there are some elements of the story that can be clipped out and nobody would notice, and it is way, way too short. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to downvote this.

[Toolkit]

350177 Thanks for the feed back. I will definitely work on that. I tend to rush things, and they come out less-than-satisfactory for some people, while others enjoy it. Thanks again.
Toolkit

[Frizzy]

DETAILS!

[FlawlessVictory]

This is good, very heart-warming, please write more stuff

[LacionARG]

okey i love fluttermac and that why i give a try to this now i going to give some kind of review so you can get better at this

1° you need to make more dialogue between the characters you should try looking for some fluttermac storys to get an idea or any kind of story i would recommend you Shyness vs Kindness and Butterflies In Her Stomach
2° In my point of view it looked to simple for each one of the 2 to tell their feelings, i dont hink big mac would tell that easyli even to his family and well Fluttershy is shy even with her friends sometimes and i think this will be something that it would take some time to tell them that would give you more material for wirtting
and for last some grammar errors and the orders of some paragraphs

so keep up writting and dont give up its just a matter of learning and asking for feedback even to those that are not writers ( like me lol)
hope this review helps you

[Wyvern1998]

I must say i do love fluttershy and big mac fics...
But yes, i do fully agree with Frizzy. Details. Details. Details. Then more details.

[Fulgor Ignis]

MORE!!! :D

[TwilightTK]

one word: D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[emberghost]

350162 yep, Flutterdash

[Hivemind]

I never understand why people think that mac and fluttershy are a good couple.

[storiesatrandom]

350634 well, here's my theory: it's because they're both have a certain level (but in their own way) forms of shyness. since Big Mac's a guy, he has the strong silent type shyness, he has done a good job to act like a good to hide the fact he does not know how to handle girls (at least my idea on Big Mac.) Fluttershy, based on childhood issues, and that she's called FlutterSHY, she prosesses the classic and ovivious form of shyness: the too scared to even argue over a petty dispute shyness (exsampled in the Iron Will episode) and she is always afraid of doing or saying something wrong to end up on someone's bad side. that's my theory, anyone got a better one?

[cuck]

The story seemed like a good start but there is some problems, I feel as though I could have written this and I'm not a writer. The other is the story seemed like it was rushed. If you took your time with each chapter this story could have easily hit 6000 words. Finally the ending was very anticlimactic when we hear that fluttershy needs to run down to the farm immediately we think of a tragic ending but instead is a month of bed rest. It actually saddens me because this story has so much potential

[BrassHeart]

350277
Recommending my lil' fic? LacionARG, I'm flattered.

[LacionARG]

351249 oh common man its one of the best fluttermac fics i've had the pleasure to read in my life

and i just saw a fic about Big Mac as bunny and Fluttershy watching... can someone please tell me HOW IN THE WORLD I DIDNT SEE THAT ! ? lol

[Toolkit]

350849 I'm not much of an author myself. This was my first attempted at a romance story. I know it is rushed, and I will work on slowing down. Anyways, thanks for your opinion. It means alot.
Toolkit

[Fattymagee1]

That was pretty good, yeah it was pretty rushed, I would recommend expanding the dates a little more, everything was just kinda so fast. Besides that I liked it.

[B. J. Williams]

I this a pair I support. I'll probably hope this becomes in canon.
If it does, this would make so many bronies happy.

[BaronVonStallion]

Pretty good. One thing I would suggest would be two start a new line for when somepony is speaking. You did it in certain places, but you almost always need to do it. For example:

"Howdy, AJ" said big mac while blah, blah, blah.

"Sup, Mac" said AJ, blah, blah, blah.

It just makes it easier to read. You should probably put the chatpers in bold, and align them to the left. That, and just expanded on the details. You have good description, albeit a bit short. And, as always, practice makes perfect. Just keep writing!

[RyujinDeath]

AWWWWW how cut I hope there's more.

[Toolkit]

Thank you all for the great feedback. I will remember it and do my best to implement it into later stories.
Toolkit

[CharmingChaos]

this is a very sweet story. i like that it isnt just about them making love and sleeping together. its a real love story, which is a nice change from the usual ships. you do need to work on grammar and tenses some though, and i think you should add a bit more dialogue. overall though, youre story is awesome. keep up the good work!

[CharmingChaos]

this is a very sweet story. i like that it isnt just about them making love and sleeping together. its a real love story, which is a nice change from the usual ships. you do need to work on grammar and tenses some though, and i think you should add a bit more dialogue. overall though, youre story is awesome. keep up the good work!

[Toolkit]

514375 Thanks for your feedback. I will defiantly work on that. I made this story like this because I didn't want to wait for someone else to, and didn't have time to search every romance story to find one, so I wrote my own. Again, thanks for your comment.
Toolkit.

[Toolkit]

:381682 I apologize, but this was just a one shot attempt at a romance story, and I don't expect to be writing anymore romance stories anytime soon. Sorry.
Toolkit.